There's an app for that!

Pilgrims - You know James Bond had GoldFinger.  Some people like to play pull my finger.  Now you can shoot my finger, the GodFinger.  See here:  GodFinger 

How awesome is this?  The team at Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) worked overtime on this one.  Everything in the press about Apple being a pain in the butt is completely correct.  We revised this bad-boy 10 times before they approved it.  First, they didn't want to allow religuous applications.  We got them on that whole bible thing.  Then they said it didn't work right or do what we said it did. After the 10 revisions, we gave up and told Brother Job what it really did do and he was good with it.  I don't know what the problem with a little white lie is.  Everyone tells them.

Less I digress...

Pretend you're me.  Seriously.  Close your eyes and pretend you're me.  Next, fire up the g(od)Phone and run GodFinger.  Let your spirit run free.  Run around this mythical world doing my work and see how cool it is and how much impact you can have on others.  Especially, if they accept me as their lord and savior.  Go out prospecting. Work a few miracles.  Bring some virtual members to the club.  Whoever is successful at this may be next in line to inherit the throne.  If you are as good, if not better than, doing my work than I am, you are worthy.  I will hang my head in shame.

Less I digress...  Again...

The real purpose in creating this little 'simulation' is to let you heathens mortals experience my daily conflict.  Do good or do bad?  Use my powers to help people, hurt people or just toy with their emotions.  For me, it depends on my mood.  A lot of times you people are more source of entertainment.  A comedy if you will.  Other times, I genuinely like to help and heal people.  Sometimes I am down right mean. Anything to lift my spirits....

So, next time you feel like shooting the finger, shoot my finger, the GodFinger....

Love, Jesus!

PS - Pull my finger! Thpppttt..  LOL!!!

Father's Day with Jesus?

Oh brother.  I am the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Yesterday was Father's Day and not one of my  children acknowledged me in song or prayer.  Yo - I'm the Father of everyone.  I played a key role in making every single person on this planet and they treat Father's Day just like any other date in the calendar.

I guess it's the same with any Father.  We give our best to our kids.  We provide for them.  We want the best for them.  We discipline when appropriate.  Sometimes harshly - but it's all in the name of Love.  All we need is Love...

Less I digress...  It's my gift to you.  Unconditional love.  I will always love you and ask for nothing in return.  Although, a card or a telephone call would be nice.  Especially on Father's Day.

I've always got Barney and friends to keep me company...  "I love you.  You love me..." If you know what I mean.

This is a better way to celebrate anyway.  I know the ladies are excited to see my "O-Face!"

Love, Jesus!

Jesus Phone

Oy vey!  Heaven's to Betsy.  Like everyone else, I need the latest toys and gizmos to automate my life.  You know - so I can keep up with the Jones's.

I tried to order one of those fancy new white iPhone 4's.  Let me tell you.  I think I tried 50 times starting at 3 in the morning and then in-between my meetings with perspective club members.  I tried over and over and over again yielding the same results....  A complete cluster plagued by gremlins.  Gizmo and his cronies are having a hey-day wreaking havoc on the believers in brother Jobs empty promises of making he thinks will change the world, again.  Then, come to find out, I can't even get a white one.  WTF? I am JESUS and I get what I want when I want it.

If I ran JESUS! Inc the same way AT&T does business, my little club would be non-existent.  Imagine me, saying I will forgive you of your sins and making you new again and then kick you and make your life worse.  Do I do that?  No.  When you accept me as your lord and savior, forgiveness is guaranteed.  My deal with you will never be broken.  I stake my life on it.

I called brother Job on the phone to get some insight as to what is going on.  You know what he says, "Yo G!  (Excuse me, that should be "Yo J") I don't care what the problem is.  I built enough hype around my invention and turned on the money faucet.  My bank account is overflowing.  If you took every single dollar I have and placed them next to each other in perfectly, they would cover the Earth in 3 layers.  That's not even including the money from the last day.  I am rich.  Filthy rich.  I wipe my ass with $100's.  I make the rules.  I don't care. Deal with it."  Then he abruptly hangs up on me.  He hangs up on ME?  Seriously.  His audacity overwhelms me.

Excuse me brother Job?  Now that Satan is on our side, I see you have taken his place.  It is war.  Game on.

And, there's one more thing.  Remember that liver I got for you?  Next time, you will not be so lucky.  I'm giving your room in my mansion to Woz.  Muwahahahaha.

Biker Rally

Geezus - I had such a good time at Bike Week at Daytona earlier this year.  We launched the street team, did a revival, people got saved, I walked on water, yaddayaddayadda....

I decided to take the chopper down to the little biker rally being held in the great state of Texas.  Those people are absolutely nuts.  This wasn't so much of a bike week... more like a weekend of complete debauchery.  Worse than Azazele's rumspringer project for the idiots representing the vatican...

Less I digress...

So, I'm there and I try standing on my motorcycle while riding into the meet.

I thought it'd be really cool to make an entrance.  I fell off, they all laughed at me.  t was all cool until something happened with the throttle and the next thing I know the motorcycle takes off, flying into the crowd of spectators.  While this is happening, I am instantly thrust into the air doing a back flip off my bike.  All of a sudden, the spinning starts, I land on my bum and hear this loud crack.  I broke my tail bone. I tried to laugh it off, but dang...  That hurt.  It took me performing a miracle to even get off the ground.  I gave a wave to the people and bowed down with what little pride I had left while they were laughing at me.  Didn't help matters.

I immediately made my way over to one of the Bandidos and grabbed the joint he was smoking right out of his hand.  Took a monster drag off it.  Inhale.. Hold.... Exhale...  Repeat 2x.  The bandido leader looks at me and laughs.  The next thing I know I am being picked up and carried over their heads like I am a superstar.

They take me over to the center of the crowd.  There was this boxing ring like thing set up.  Midgets were wrestling with eachother.

What a hoot seeing these little people bashing eachother's heads in and pounding eachother.  The headbuts, the jumping, the teasing and talking trash one another.  The crowd is going wild.  I am laughing at the top of my lungs... like a hyena... Because I am stoned.

I'm wondering around in a daze.  I see some guys slamming beers with a bong.  Sign me up.  I'm there.  I partake in the festivities...  The bikers are all laughing and pointing at me.

All of a sudden, I was jolted out of my deep slumber.  Thank me it was just an intense dream.  I look around and I am laying down in a parking lot next to a box.  I push the box over and I look around.  I see the boxing ring where the midget wrestling was taking place.

Oh no....This really happened...  I got a huge headache...  Must be a hangover.  I slowly get orientated to my surrounding and see my bike off in the distance - probably where it landed after it sped off while I was standing on it while riding on it.  Trying to be cool didn't work out too well last night.  I manage to pick up the bike, I sit on it and look in the mirror.

You'll never believe it.  My reflection reveals they shaved my head...  And my eyebrows...  They used a sharpie to draw my eyebrows on.  I also have a mustache drawn on.

How on Earth am I going to explain this?

My popularity

Believers - I am gravely concerned.  Concerned about my lack of popularity on the internet.  Yes, we are number eight on the google search.  Yes, we have a facebook page.  People land on our creative writing project from all over the world searching on various subjects.  Side note - the most searched on topics are "ChristFest Planning" and Tammey Faye.  Not Joke.

Less I digress...

Our growth  has been stunted.  What's the deal?  I figured we'd continue building momentum and become big.  Like really BIG.  Giant.  Huge.  A force in my movement.  For some reason that hasn't happened.  What's the deal?

For the good girl doing bad things

This goes out to all the good girls doing bad things.  Whenever going on an 'overnight' experience with a member of the opposite sex, carry your accoutrements (I love that word) in this handy overnight bag.

I hope images of me will help you remember you are a child of mine.  I have given you the perfect resource to get and keep your life on track.  It is my guide to successful living and autobiography.  Commonly referred to as the bible.

Just think - it's better to pray for wisdom and guidance instead of praying you're not pregnant.  Especially out of wedlock.  I frown on that.

I gave Rimmer one of these just after she won the little beauty pageant.  You can have one too for the low prices of $9.99.  Offer good while supplies last.

And ladies always remember to bare your soul before you bare your bod.

Love, Jesus!

Jesus Wrapper

Hello Constituents.

This gives me goose bumps.  My efforts to make inroads with all cultures is paying off.  I saw this on a billboard in East LA.  The home of the bloods and the crips.  Yeah.  This is what it's all about.  Bringing the salt of the Earth into a sweet, loving relationship with the father.  When these 'gangsters' accept me as their lord and savior, you should see their faces light up and the gleam in their eyes.  It is quite beautiful.

These new club members are awed at the power of my forgiveness.  It's like they're born again.  They are shiny and new.  A clean bill of health.  An empty slate waiting to be written on.  Ah, the power of forgiveness.  It's a shower that cleanses the soul of sin.

Usually when we get one of the gangsters as a member of our little club, we are both crying.  The emotion is overwhelming.

I know we are doing good for the world.  We are making the world a better place.  It's quite simple - reach out to those doing bad in the world.  Love them and care for them.  Their allegiances quickly shift to a pure, joyful and innocent relationship fundamentally based on unconditional love.

I love knowing the impact I have on the lost and confused.  Be me for a day and see just how fulfilling life can be.

Love, Jesus!

I suggest you avoid this like the plague

Dear Believers - It has recently come to my attention that a clergyman told one of my dear believers to stop reading because what I do is wrong.  Excuse me?  A clergyman telling one of my children not to read the thoughts and words from the Father? Oh boy...

My child, first off, I am your shepherd.  You are my sheep.  I gave you a brain to think for yourself.  With all my heart, I believe you are free to make your own choices without having to listen to the bad apples in the barrel.  I am most disappointmented in you dear believer.  If you enjoy my work, stand up for yourself and our movement.  Get out from under 'the man's' thumb.

This leads us to another problem.  The brotherhood of the priesthood.  The bad apples in the barrel.  Mr. Clergyman - You're fired.  Leave your robe and collar by the door and never come back.  You are no longer welcome to minister on my behalf.  I will see to it that you never, ever, ever preach in this town again.  In case you forgot, your job is to facilitate the sheep to have a relationship with me.  I forgive people of all their sin and make them shiny and new again.

Obviously, Mr. Clergyman, you are part of the problem and cause people to stray from me.  Just because your ideas don't mesh with mine does not give you the right to 'suggest' people seek guidance and principles for living a successful life from other sources.  I am for you, who can be against you?  Exactly.

So, Mr. Clergyman - take your tortured soul and go elsewhere.  I am sure there is some snake oil salesman who can use your services more than I.  Loser.

Less I digress...

So, dear believer, please know I am waiting for you to again see the light.  Let's work on repairing the damage Mr. Clergyman has done to our relationship.  When your head has cleared, I am waiting with open arms to forgive and love you.  And you know what dear believer?  I know you will sneak a peak.  I am like crack and porn.  You're addicted to me.  I am a habit you can not break.

J-Dawg!