Jesus...the man, the myth, the dork

Jesus is incognito right now? He says he can be a jerk like me? What? he thinks he is a badass? Here is a photo of the big JC as he left for his "vacation."

HE'S A REAL BADASS!!!!!!!!!

Face it JC. I'm the shiznit. You're the biznitch!

Minion.

Word to the peeps. It's been a while. I've been busy. Too busy for you and this blog thing. Less I digress...

I'm traveling on solo vacation, incognito, with spirit airlines. I look up from meditation and I see a new minion into the brotherhood of the priesthood.  A photo is below. 

Check this goober out.  Do you see anything wrong with this?  I see several observations of concern. 

1-He's wearing black. He must've missed the memo. Minions are only to wear black during lent. Or, at sanctuary.  Black scares people. I should give him credit. At least he's not wearing a robe. If he was, people might mistake him for members of that other little club with the robes and ceremonial regalia.  Sad but true-people get all robe wearing clubs confused. 

2-The cross is hidden in his pocket. Hey newbie-Arenial you ashamed to be a club leader?  Dude-Wear the cross as a badge of honor to remind you and everyone you come in contact with of the greatest give I could give. I gave my life so you could be forgiven of your sins. Made shiny and new. Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time. Blahblahblah. 

3-No seek and finds. Are you mocking the movement?  Newbie-You should be a beacon of hope. A ray of light and you're doing a seek and find?  Get up off your butt and preach. Come on. Make me proud.  This is an airport terminal. Get a revival going. Bring in some new recruits. Introduce someone to their lord and savior. 

4-Image is everything. Don't sit there all curled up in a ball slouching. Sit tall. With confidence. Act like your shit don't stink. You represent me. I'm something to be proud of. People (especially women) are attracted to confident men. Grow a pair. 

So, after making these observations, newbie looks up and recognizes me. He asked for a photo op. I declined. 

I got up and left. As I looked back at him, he placed his head in his hands and began to weep. Pansy. 

See Azazel, I have learned how to be a jerk like you. 

Love -
- Jesus
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Sent from my mobile device.  

A Minion

Azazele walking in the shadows?

Oh Hell.  Here we go again...  Azazele's been hitting the pipe and the booze.  One thing I forgot to mention.  Azazele doesn't like cheeseburger.  He loves tube steak.  Well, at least that's what the word on the street is...

Love, Jesus H. Christ.  

Dear World....BITE ME

AZAZEL HERE. COMING AT YOU DRUNK AND WITH ALL CAPS! IT'S BEEN A FEW MONTHS SINCE I LAST POSTED ANYTHING AND I CAN SEE THAT THE VIEWERSHIP HAS SUFFERED FROM IT. JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU...ONCE YOU GO SATAN, JESUS IS KEPT AWAITIN!
(i just made that up and on the spot while holding a shot of tequila, man i am good. and notice how there are no spelling errors. Spellcheck be damned, I am freaking awesome)


So anyway, I have something I need to get off my chest. to YOU JC. I am talking to YOU. YOU! CAPS LOCK YOU! If Lebron James can demand respect and people to wait on him....THEN I WANT THAT TOO!!! Jesus Inc. is NOTHING WITHOUT THE DEVIL!!! You can't have people running into your arms without fearing they will fall into mine!!! So the way I see it....YOU OWE ME!! COUGH UP THE DOUGH CRUCIFIX BOY! I want the ladies, the entourage, the media coverage. I want it all. I want that stupid golden goose from Willy Wonka and I want it now. I want the whole world Jesus H. Christ. (and by the way, the "H" in Jesus' name stands for the opposite of hetero.....uh oh, I think the tequila is coming back up)


What was I saying?




Yeah! I can has cheezburger!


THE DEVIL RULES

Talk about a waste

Pilgrims - On so many fronts, Lindsay Lohan is an absolute disaster.

  Lindsay is gonna get some self appreciation time in prison and go to some rehabilitation classes.  You see, fame and fortune came way to fast and way too early for Lindsay.  She was not equipped to deal with the success her me given talents would bring her.

Because of her successes, she forgot all about me.  She ran amuck.  Drinking, snorting, partying, screwing, etc.  You know - partaking in all the "-ing sins."

Due to the life she's led over the last few years, she is nothing more than a  wasteland.  Tattered and torn.  Inside and out.  All used up.  Look at her picture.  She looks horrible.  And the thing is, she brought ALL of this on herself.  So disappointing.

I remain optimistic that her 90 days of self appreciation time and rebab classes will be good for her.  Something magical happens when people hit the bottom.  They begin searching.  Searching for meaning.  Searching for the way.  My way.  When down, out and on the skids, that's where people find me.  Almost always.  It's amazing.  I am always there.  I know everything.  My love does not waver.  I'm everywhere.  Somehow it takes being a bottom feeder for people to realize just how valuable a relationship with me is.  In my strength, people find their strength.  We make 'sinergy.'

Those rehab programs also place an emphasis on developing a relationship with me.  My strength brings them strength.  Blahblahblah.

So Lindsay, now that the world is starting to seem like this cold, mean place, I am waiting for you.   Ready to accept you and love you.  Are you ready?  Ready for a real relationship with a REAL man?  Are you ready to feel all shiny and new?  All you have to do is say the world and I'll be there.

Until then, enjoy your meaningless existence on planet earth.  Get your act together.  Pick up the phone.  Call now.  I have operators are standing by to meet with you and pray with you.   And, if you call within the next 30 minutes, I'll throw in a free t-shirt!

Love, Jesus.