Modern Day Noah's Ark

Good morning Pilgrims!

God is great, God is the all holiness savior of our great land. Okay, now that I have my obligatory BS out of the way on behalf of Jesus Corp (NYSE: JSUS); I can focus on the real meat and potatoes of this message. Today I want to share with you how the Bible's stories can be found all over in our modern times. I want to focus particularly on Noah's Ark today. You know the story - big boat, flood on the way, and two of every animal. The fact that my predecessors in the Papal hierarchy want you to think that ONE MAN built that big boat is ridiculous! It took Carnival Cruise lines almost four years with about 200 Mexicans to build their Conquest ship (Rough estimation on my part). The point here is that this Ark story is just a tall tale. Even this tall tale can be found everywhere you look in today's society.

I referenced Carnival Cruise Lines above because this can be as modern day Noah's Ark. I recently took a cruise with my main homie and boss, JC. Yes, JC is "dead and in heaven," but he is always in my heart. The first thing I noticed about the cruise ship was just how big the darn thing was. If Noah's ship was even half the size, his hands must have been blistering after building it because you know they didn't have nail guns back then. Anyways, once I was on the ship; I couldn't help noticing how the people on the boat reminded me of animals. Below are a few images. Remember, my and JC's boss; God, made everyone "equal," so have an open mind.

This picture stood out for me. It represents to hippos and two elephants. They decided to pose before getting on the big boat.


Remember what I said before about us all being equal? F--k that crap! I actually barfed into my own mouth and had to swallow it because the Pope can't be seen being physically disgusted by his pilgrims! As my big homie JC says, "I digress.." Moving on!

After I composed myself and went onto the main deck of the ship, I ran into this guy on the deck. It seems he was having a domestic dispute with his other half. I prayed for him and he let me go - thankfully.


My last example comes from this guy. He is obviously a representation of a giraffe. Look at that neck! It is so mother f-----g long! (That's what she said!) Anyways, this guy was just a walking hot mess. I was sad to call this pilgrim a member of my flock.


Take this post my pilgrims and learn from it. Learn how recognize that even tall tales in our best selling novel (Bible) can represent real life stories. As always, call us at 1-800-Pay-4-Pray and speak to our spiritual consultants. We are running a special rate right now of just $.07 a minute. Where else can you get the trusted prayers to guide you through your hard times? Hit me up at Twitter at @PopeLavartheus.

My the all holy bless you today,

Pope Lavartheus Lemilius I

What Really Happened to the Dinosaurs

Pilgrims,

I have been fielding requests from Twitter lately regarding what happened to the dinosaurs. There are some theories out there saying that the dinosaurs were made extinct by an asteroid. Seriously, an asteroid? Can our religious folks come up with more creative propaganda than this? What I am about to show you is still considered Top Secret. I cannot live with myself knowing that the truth has been hidden deep in papal vaults for many of years.

Below is a redacted file that I found in the Papal vaults. The highlighted sentences hold the true key to what really happened to these mysterious creatures. I have used my Papal authority as the CEO of Jesus Corp (NYSE: JSUS)to obtain the images that tell the real story. Scroll down below the redacted file.



Sent from a trusted source; these images tell the REAL story of how our dinosaurs were erased from this Earth. It has nothing to do with asteroids and other fictitious space odysseys; rather, it is a scandal on the Holy Book itself. The Bible will have you believe that the dinosaurs were already extinct before the great flood. But now after all these years; the undeniable proof has surfaced!





This is a slap in the face to Jesus Corp! Many popes before me have done their best to hide the truth. Noah just completely dropped the ball on this! The two documents tell two completely different stories; however, they have the same result - NO DINOSAURS. I will do everything in my Papal powers to see if we cannot rectify this egregious oversight by Noah! Also, this is a good time to plug in that if you need any spiritual advice, you can hit me up on Twitter at @PopeLavartheus or call 1-800-Pay-4-Pray and speak to one of our prayer consultants.

In my own name I pray:
Pope Lavartheus Lemilius I

I'm Back!

Pilgrims,
I have returned. I was on a 24 month tour with Jesus. We hit up Cancun and other Spring Break hot spots. I'm off to check my email, but look for future postings.

Pope Lavartheus Lemilius I