Spoke to Mother Nature

Greetings.  I just got off the phone with Mother Nature trying to comfort her.  She was weeping over the crisis in the gulf.  Seriously.  All the water being contaminated.  The animals and fishies getting covered in goo.  What a mess.  Her tears were flowing like niagara falls.  She is mourning the destruction.  Her heart is heavy.  She wonders if your addiction to oil is worth ruining the ecosystem I made for you.  It was bound to happen.  The risks associated with getting my black gold would eventually catch up to you.  You think this is bad?  Wait until the next one.  Leave my planet alone.  You'll be sorry.  How bad do I have to make it before you stop messing with it?

What do I do to resolve the situation?  I offer forgiveness to those who caused this.  How lame.  It's what I do.  I forgive those who ask and accept me as their lord and savior.  At least I'm consistent.

Less I digress...

I know for a fact there is a farmer in Iowa that knows exactly how to plug that well.  The problem is no one will listen to him because he's "just a farmer."  Hm.

In the meantime, the goo will continue gushing from the hole until someone can think outside the box and listen to some good ol' southern engineering from my man in Iowa.

Love, Jesus

Get Saved Today and Receive a Free Gift

Hello - For those of you sitting on the fence deciding whether or not to accept me as your Lord and Savior, maybe this will be the deal maker:

That's right.  Free T-Shirts to all who accept me as their lord and savior.  Pretty neat, huh?  I should have thought of this a long time ago.

And, I tell you what...  If you take the leap today, I'll even through in a sampler pack of Holy Water!

Think of it as an incentive to come to the Father.  Normally being forgiven of all your sins and made shiny and new is good enough.  However, we are not meeting our YTD goal - so think of this as a Jesus stimulation package.

Come and get it while the gettin' is good!

Love, Jesus.

PS - Offer good while supplies last and may be withdrawn at any time.

Plastic Surgery - Appearance is EVERYTHING!

Before long, I'm gonna look like Michael Jackson and Heidi Montag.  When I had my make over after the resurrection I changed my look.  I think I took it a little too far.  Now I want to have it corrected.  You know - to tame down the metro look...  What was I thinking?  Apparently I was thinking about scoring with the ladies....  Even I am flawed...  The dumbstick wasn't my smartest move, was it...

Less I digress..

Now I am thinking I should morph into something more like Tom Hanks.  It's a more conservative look.  A little more innocent yet respectable.  Something the way most people look.  Not ultra attractive but not ugly, either.  Just a regular Joe Vs. the Volcano.  Actually, I'm a regular Jesus.

Less I digress again...

This time Oprah and Dr. Oz aren't too interested in helping me out.  They assisted last time because I was gonna do that little interview.  I didn't like the direction the project was going.  The deal is off.  Oprah is not happy right now.   Everyone knows what happens when Oprah gets angry....  For the first time in my life I'm gonna get a firsthand taste of being on the crap side of her stick.  Ew.  Maybe a couple dozen donuts will make amends?

So, I am seeking surgery in India - I hear Dr. Sanjay Gupta is the hookup man.  If I find someone I can trust, I will go under the knife again.  It's all in the name of fame.  My image is one of my most valuable assets.  If it isn't perfect, my market value could be compromised and that would hurt our little club and the company.  Must remain loyal to Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) shareholders.

I hope my nose doesn't fall off when all is said and done.

If it does, I know this fantastic carpenter from the old world who could fix me up.  No, I'm not a do it yourselfer...  My guy did work for Pinocchio...

And that, ladies and gentlemen is why they call me "Captain 12 inch!"

Over and Out - Jesus!

My version of physical beauty

Yo Sheep - Did you see the little Ms. USA pageant last night.  It was live from Las Vegas - IceMan's paradise...  Normally I am completely opposed to pageantry unless I am involved.  However, I am so pleased to see Rima Fakih win.  Here is mugshot from before she was famous...

You know what's really cool?  I created her from an egg and a sperm.  Her parents did the nasty and then I went to work.  I created a master piece.  It all goes back to my passion for exquisite  design.  Just look at her.

She was kind of an ugly baby.  I planned it that way so she would appreciate her looks as she came of age.  Her evolution was nice to watch.  Going from a gangly and awkward teenager to this..

Why don't I do this for everyone?  It's hard to do.  Everything has to be done just right.  To the T.  No shortcuts. No fillers.  No expired parts and no factory refurbishments.  Plus, if I did do this for everyone, the population of your planet would be significantly less.  Thereby reducing your potential mate selection.  But, when I am manic the creative juices start flowing and this is what I am capable of.  This is when I do my best work.

I hope she remembers me as she rides the wave of fame.  Rimmer (that's her nickname) just remember I am your Lord and Savior.  Please continue to live by the the principles I taught you in my autobiography and guide to successful living.  The path you have walked with me has served you well.

And Rimmer, please remember you are just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.  Bare your soul before you bare your bod.  If you need any support, I am just a prayer away.

Love, Jesus.

Holy Water!!!

Hey, I know bottled water is bad for the environment.  I get it - putting water in plastic bottles and trucking it all over my green Earth.  However, if you insist on drinking bottled water, you may as well drink mine!

Check it out:  One for every aspect of your life:  

• Defense - Against the enemy - well, actually that's not needed anymore because IceMan is on our side now.  Let's just say it has tons of vitamins and minerals - the next best thing to eating dirt.
• Freedom - From the stresses of daily life.  You could get the same benefit by accepting me as your lord and savior.  For some though - this will get you started.
• Focus - So you can be all you can be.  
• Formula J - My special blend...  Try it, you'll like it.  

So there you have it - another amazing innovation by Team Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)
Yet another way we're maximizing profits AND shareholder/stakeholder value. 

It's so beautiful.  It moves me to tears.

Thirsty?  

Jesus Likes Beauty

"Girls with big boobs have big butts.  Girls with little boobs have little butts.  That's the way it goes.  God doesn't jack around; he's a fair guy.  He gave the fatties big beautiful boobs and the skinnies little tiny niddlers.  It's not my rule.  If you don't like it, call him." - Rose O'Donnel.  From the movie Beautiful Girls.  Edited for PC by Jesus.

Well, isn't this an interesting topic for the day...  I, along with brother Jobe, am passionate about design.  There is nothing more beautiful than a perfectly sculpted, symmetrical and balanced design.  If one aspect of my creation is disproportionate, the entire work is ruined.

For example, take Heidi Montag.  This woman ruined a perfectly created body.  Take a look.

Evolution #1

To this:

She's become the laughing stock of hollywood.  I wonder what happened.  She obviously didn't have a close relationship to the Father.  She will probably end up with back problems, in addition to some social outcasting.

Alas, I forgive her.  She's the only who has to live with herself.  I rest easy knowing I originally created perfection; but she didn't like it.  She was under the spell of fame and fortune.  Look what it did to her.

For everyone else, I designed you perfectly just the way you are.  Some of you may have some extra poundage; at least everything stays symmetrical.

Oh well...

Love, J-man

What is worship?

Hello brothers and sisters -

What exactly does worship mean?  The dictionary describes it as an expression of reverence and adoration for a deity (that'd be me).

Someone in the secular world has cracked our model for the contemporary worship service we've licensed to our franchise organizations.  Have a looksie:


"Sunday's Coming" Movie Trailer from North Point Media on Vimeo.

Sooner or later it was bound to happen.  This information is like someone exposing the top-secret recipe for Coca-Cola.  Or the way Colonel Sanders would feel if someone posted his original recipe.  I understand how Brother Jobe felt when someone recently revealed his iphone prototype.   All this proprietary information being exposed giving away our market advantage.  Can you believe how low some people will stoop.  Makes me sick.

At any rate, now you know how we craft the perfect worship experience and toy with your emotions and your feelings to draw you closer to me and plant that seed to become a member of our little club.  The lights, the sounds, the people we have doing the presentation....  It's all one big, beautifully choreographed work of art.  Presented just for you.  As a gift from me.  Just as the day is my present to you.  But the worship service - it's a special treat.  I hope you enjoy it wherever you choose to worship me.

Love!

Jesus!

PS - We are slowly doing away with the 'traditional' worship model.  The pipe organs and funeral hymns have got to go.  Pretty soon all the sheep who see that as enhancing their relationship with me will fall off the Earth and we can finally move to a single worship model.  One size fits all.  That's the way I like it.  Pure and simple.  If it has more than 3 moving pieces, throw it away.  It's too complicated.

I honor the place where your need for complexity and my gift of simplicity become one.

Namaste!

Just so everyone knows...

I have a fan page on facebook. That's how I roll.

- Your one and only.
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Sent from my mobile device.

Your welcome

Azazel-zizzle here. Since my job is safe at Jesus! Inc. I wanted to present to you my latest contribution to getting the word of Jesus out there:

Comedy Central developing Jesus Christ cartoon

Comedy Central might censor every image of the Prophet Muhammad on "South Park," yet the network is developing a whole animated series around Jesus Christ.

As part of the network's upfront presentation to advertisers (full slate here), Comedy Central is set to announce "JC," a half-hour show about Christ wanting to escape the shadow of his "powerful but apathetic father" and live a regular life in New York City.
In the show, God is preoccupied with playing video games while Christ, "the ultimate fish out of water," tries to adjust to life in the big city.
"In general, comedy in purist form always makes some people uncomfortable," said Comedy Central's head of original programming Kent Alterman.
When asked if the show might draw some fire, especially coming on the heels of the network's decision to censor the Muslim faith's religious figure on "South Park," Alterman said its too early in the show's development to be concerned about such matters. 
"We don't even know what the show is yet," he said.
Like all Comedy Central executives, Alterman declined to address the recent controversy over "South Park," where the network aired a heavily redacted episode after the show's creators were threatened by an extremist Islamic Web site.
"JC" is produced by Reveille ("The Office"), Henrik Basin, Brian Boyle ("American Dad"), Jonathan Sjoberg and Andreas Ohman.


SPREAD THE WORD!

Too many prayers JC??

Azazel here with a comment on JC's previous post about too many prayers. Doesn't he know that everyone in the world is:

sorry. Couldn't resist

Word to the sheep. Man, this day of prayer thing is tough on the
senses. People are chanting, writing prayers in the form of letters,
meeting in small groups, blahblahblah.

Seriously though, this influx of praying is giving me a headache. It's
a lit like those new years resolutions. People are doing it because
there's a special day. Fear not, just like the gym, things will be
back to how they were in less than a month. You'll have your god back
and I'll have my sanity.

I should be overjoyed with the influx of prayers. Well, I would be if
these amateurs weren't stinking it up. It's as bad as the cheasters
coming to church twice a year.

What do I mean by amateur? Take Tommy and Jessica for example. Tommy-
I can't really do anything to help you beat that video game. You've
got to practice for that. Jessica, I can't make your Mommy and Daddy
stay married. They hate eachother and that's the way it is. Divine
intervention won't work in these situations. Deal with it and move on.

Maybe we should look at this as an opportunity to get new members in
our little club? Nah, this is just an excuse for the over zealous to
go even further over the edge.

So, pray away. Just remember, I don't have time to answer all your
prayers. I'll get to the ones I find interesting or novel. The rest of
you will be stuck waiting for an answer or thinking I've somehow
answered and dealing with the answer you got. I love this game.

Like the old saying goes...

Grace to all which passes all human understanding.

Suckers.
------
Sent from my mobile device.

Oh Me Oh My

Good God! (Yes, I am)...  I am busted.  In the drunken stupor of Nullus Pecco, I must have blacked out.  Yes, I was there.  I don't remember anything until reading IceMan's recount of the night.  Geez.  I can't believe it... I made a mistake (again).  This puts me in an embarrassing situation.  Who am I?  What have I done?

Ok..  I'll level with you.  I participated in Nullus Pecco.  I was there as we rolled into town.  Iceman mentioned Captain Twelve Inch was never caught?  Who's Captain Twelve Inch?  I'm Captain Twelve Inch...  Now you know why women call me a God and men worship me.   It's part of my universal appeal.  Dudes and Dudettes - I invented the footlong waaaay before Subway.  Now you know what the female persuasion is always sayin' "Oh God, OhGod!  Oooh  Oh Oh YESYESYES" when they're doin' the nasty.  TMI.  I think I just crossed 'that' line...

Less I digress...

You've got to understand my predicament.  I simply cannot be seen participating in such debauchery.  My movement, my image, my company would all be ruined.  I would be seen as betraying all of you.  It would be terrible.  People's perception of me would be tainted and distorted.  I would come home and cry myself to sleep...  leading to staying in bed for days and days without eating.  Just laying there....  alone... in the dark.  Can any one of us afford to let that happen?

I asked for forgiveness.  Being me, of course I forgave myself without question.  Why can't you forgive me?   I'm only human.  Speaking of which, why can't you people forgive one another as well as yourselves?  The world would be such a beautiful place if we all lived a life of grace...  Follow my lead on this one.

Iceman - Now that I've bared my soul in public - Fear Not - I am here for you today as always.  As far as the rest of them - I'll let you figure it out.

Iceman - You are part of the inner circle.  Without you, there is no me.  You complete me.  And, just for the record, I am grateful for every contribution you have and will continue to make to Jesus! Inc.

Pack your bags - let's get out of here.  I wonder where the next Spirit flight is headed?

Later Gator - JDawg (aka Captain Twelve Inch)