Puppy Love, Pt. 2

Hello Rover, Fido and the like -

Ruff!  In my last devotion, I was talking about homeless people wandering around with their cardboard signs with a cross begging for food and me disregarding them and not throwing any blessing their way.  Well, Grrrr....  I did do something nice for someone...  Remember Ted Williams, the brother with the golden voice.  I mean, this dude has some me given talent.   In case you need a refresher on who this dude is:




Check him out.  The Golden Voice.  Yeah, I gave that to him.  Sex, drugs, Rock & Roll, the booze, the good times all got the best of my child called Ted.

Ted, I decided to give you a second chance.  I carefully laid the groundwork for you.  Put you on that corner.  Had a man with a camera "stumble" upon you and create this viral internet sensation.   Everyone was like, "Oh Ted - You're awesome.  Your voice the voice of the Gods."  Yeah, I like his voice.  He sounds a lot like me.  As a matter of fact, my voice is his voice.  Remember, each and every person is created in my likeness.

So...  Ted, please don't blow this.  Yes, you got a job.  You've been to rehab.  You're out of rehab.  Don't blow it this time.  This is your moment to shine and change your situation.

Every once and a while, I do throw a bone to someone I see with potential.  However, each and every time someone blows it, I am less likely to help.  Of course, I still forgive you of all your sins and make you shiny and new.  But, all that elbow grease going to waste is insulting to me.  I work hard for you. Work hard for me.  Let's make the world a better place.  I'd like to teach the world to sing... in purrfect harmony.

So, Tee-doe (as I affectionately call him) - please make good on what I've given you.

Your friend and personal life coach  - Jesus.

Jesus and Puppy Love.

To all my loyal and faithful sheep -

You know what, I equate you to man's best friend.  Little puppies.  All I have to do is love you and feed you and you remain loyal to me.  Just as long as I uphold my end of the bargain, you do the same on your end.  Even when I start neglecting you (think a homeless dude on the side of the road carrying a stupid sign with a cross on it) - you appear to be ever so faithful.  My first question is, really?  What's wrong with you?  Obviously, I haven't been throwing much blessing your way and you still look to me for hope.  If I've been ignoring you this long, what makes you think my attitude towards you is going to change?  Ouch.  I'm being spiteful today.  And, I really wanted to talk about something else today.  I'll save that for another day.  It is definitely something to look forward to.

Throwing some love your way today - Jesus.

Smokin' a Doobie?

Brother and Sisters....  The Doobie Brother have been a perennial favorite of mine for years.  Rockin' Down the Highway is the best when cruisin' the GodRod...  I think brother Osteem might be able to gain some insight into my movement by repeatedly watching this video.  Maybe he could incorporate this music video into his propaganda brain washings held a couple times a week at Lakewood.  Punk.





I don't think you guys are ready for what was going on when this song was written.  All I gotta say is a good time was had by all.  I mean, it was awesome.  Think of the best party you've ever been to in your entire life.  Think of the best party you've heard about your entire life.  Think Lollapalooza and Woodstock.  Think of it happening in my house.  Me, Satan and the Doobies celebrating a week of debauchery.  It was absolutely Cray-zee....  Those were the good ol' daze.

Love, Jesus - Your Lord and Savior.

P.S. - There is nothing better than a live performance, is there?!?!  Love them.

Love, Jesus...  Again.

Half Baked Joel O-steem.

Dear Charismatic, Feel Good, Prosperity Lovin' People -

I am shocked to just be covering brother O-Steem's tenure at Lakewood Church.  Man - Lakewood.  Talk about the 800 pound gorilla of churches.  Brother Bill HiBull's Willow Creek Community Church is another one.  Both are similar in size.  However, Brother O-Steems went for the seeker crowd and uses the former compaq center for his mega-mansion how for me.  Brother HiBill created a campus community - similar to Microsuck's campus in Redmond.  I'll let you in on a little secret - Brother HiBill wants his community to eventually convert to a commune...  Does any of HiBull's mission smell of Jim Jones to anyone besides me?

As a side note, Ben and Jerry are coming up with a new ice cream flavor called Half Baked Osteem.  Ben (the flavor man) tells me it will be loaded with artificial flavors and colors.  Jerry (the marketing and packaging man) tells me to be ready for something innovative and new.  Half Baked Osteem will come in a large snow cone shaped container.  When you're done eating it, you can turn it upside down and wear it as a cap.  The artwork will be divine.  I can't wait to see and taste it.  Ben, Jerry and I will be on location holding a press conference where we will be tasting and blessing the first mass produced batch at the creamery in Waterbury, Vermont.

Less I digress...

See, Brother Osteem is to marijuana as Jerry Fallwell is to heroine.  Jerry Fallwell-now that is a scary guy and addiction to him and his views is the equivalent of being a mosquito being sucked to the magic bug light that will bring the bug to it's death.  Oh man, Jerry and his words sure sound good and it's easy to get sucked in...  But if you do, the hate will kill you.  Just like a bug looking at that mighty bright light.  It looks so warm and inviting from a distance.  Get to close and gotcha. That's the end.

Brother Osteem, he's kind of the opposite pole.  People smoke him and his message.  They enjoy it.  They get high, they feel good.   There's really no harm to anything he says or does.  He's like a deer in the headlights - blank.  A one track mind.  A broken record.  The same thing over and over again.  He's got his schtick down.  Not my schtick - but his schtick.  It's all a bunch of feel good garbage.  Today is your day.  Becoming a better you.  Your best life now.  Blahblahblah.  The guy is always on cue.

Until, someone attempts to get him talking about anything that might stir up controversy because it could divide people away from his church.  Ask him a question where any other believer can answer, brother Osteem goes into his deer in the headlight, "I don't know...  All I'm saying is we should honor God."  "I don't know, I know there is condemnation but I don't feel that's my place."

See, Brother OSteem, your problem is you're not fully cooked on who you are or my movement.  In case you don't remember, I forgive people of all their sins.  Did you forget that?

I went back to read the transcript on when Joel was on Larry "The King" of Talk and Joel is quoted saying "I don't know" 45 times.  FOURTY FIVE TIMES.

Dude - If people are asking you simple questions about me and my movement and you can't answer basic questions in an hour, saying I don't know is an insult.  You're half baked.  Did I pull you out of the oven before you were done?  I must have.  Anyone who is chosen to lead a franchise on my behalf should know - refer to your FOM (franchise operations manual)...  You should have the strength to plant that stake in the ground and stand by it.  People love a good show and a display of power when deemed appropriate.  The last thing I want is some wimp saying, "i don't know."  Pansy.  I want someone standing tall and shouting from the mountains the truth of my message.  Love one another.  Do good.  Be nice.  Drive Fast,  Make money.  Procreate.  If you don't succeed, try again.  You know the drill...

Did Moses say, " I don't know?"  No, that guy went to the hills, found me and we smoked out.  For a long time.... Too long if you ask me.  Next thing I know, he's lugging these stone tablets full of all kinds of wholesome goodness to spread to the mortals.  He used his stick to part the red sea.  He knew.  He was powerful.  He had my power.  If be for you, who can stand against you?  No one.  Duh....

So, brother Joel - try reading my guide to successful living.  Get a clue.  Be able to answer a question when asked with more than your personal thoughts coupled with an I don't know.  One can only hide behind a great smile for so long.

Yeah, smoking a joint of joel is fun and it feels good until you want to level up - like one of those facebook games...  Then we'll move into some cocaine with Oral Roberts. Next, some crack with John Hagee and Kenneth Copland. Finally, we'll get to the good stuff, the heroine, with Jerry Fallwell. Now, Jerry. Jerry is a jackass. Thank me, he is dead and can no longer do harm to my children.

All these televangelists are evil.  Every single one of them.  If you gotta get your spiritual feeding from a television, please DON'T.  I'd rather have you minions running around naked and ignorant than getting loaded with the garbage these guys spew as the truth of the world.

Just remember, a joint of joel may make you feel really good and optimistic, but he hasn't got a clue.  He's nothing more than a nice guy afraid to stand up for anything besides a photo op and a book deal.  John Hagee and Copland - sometimes you get a good high or a bad high depending on the day.  However, once you've made it all the way to Heroine Fallwell, man, you're gonna get jacked.  There's no question about it.  You're gonna get jacked up and jacked hard.  And it's gonna suck.

So, if you must, enjoy a joint of joel every once and a while, that's fine.  Don't make a habit of it.  Know that he is half baked...  The timer in the oven malfunctioned the day I made him.  But, at all costs, stay away from the other guys I mentioned.  You'll never have the experience I created for you through any of them.  Or any one of the big guys for that matter.  Just say no to Pat Robertson, John Hagee, Kenneth Copland, Creflow Dollar, Joyce Meyer, TD Jakes and the like.  Their messages are distortions of my message - the one true message in the world.

Then again, all messages are distorted.  They don't know me.  You know me.  Get your message and spiritual feeding directly from me.  Smoke some peyote with me and you will see the real me.  The light.  My message.  All will be revealed to those partaking in one of my favorite games:  smoke and find.

I love being in a direct relationship with you.  Just say no to intermediaries. - Jesus.

Personal Change

Man - Tony Robbins - What is the deal with that dude?  He keeps changing the dates of the personal change, Unlimited Power workshop rahrah fest.  I bet he's pulling one of those legacy air carrier tricks.  The plane is not full, so they will cancel today's flight and put everyone on for tomorrow.  That way, instead of running two flights have full, they can run one flight completely full.  Dude, seriously?  Is that how you roll?

Shut up, I say, Shut up

What up sheep in the pasture?  I have heard your prayers.  They're giving me a terrible headache.  It's like this constant drone of bees in a hive...  Or, better yet, one of those wind farms...  Have you heard the drone those wind turbines make when the wind is really blowing?  It's almost unbearable...

Less I digress...

I'm sorry Gabby got shot in the brain....  It was very unfortunate that Satan got the best of Jared Loughner...  Dude...  Here's how it goes:  Ready. AIM. Fire. 

Oops.  That was wrong...

Less I digress...

The easy thing to do would have been to just bring her to Heaven, the greatest place on Earth - she opted in after completing her first year in our little club.  Then I thought to myself, man, I can really use this to wag the dog.  And so, our story begins.

Less I digress...

But, I heard your prayers.  All of them....  So....  Here's what the news reported:

Those initial finger squeezes? Yup, that was me.

The reported thumbs up?  Me again.

The lack of swelling in the brain?  You guessed right.

But here is the interesting.  At that point, my intervention stopped.  

Gabby is one tough chick.  One of my finest specimens.  

Giffords - she's the one making conscious movements, adjusting her gown, and, unfortunately touching her own wounds.  I always hated touching my wounds - it was nasty....  The good thing is the doctors have her so drugged up, I don't think she really knows what is happening and hopefully won't remember any of it.

This brings me to another thought.  Gabby and I have a little bit in common....

I was sacrificed for the world in an effort to make it a better place for everyone.  Gabby wasn't sacrificed, but she has been, well, compromised to ease (even if momentarily) the political landscape sprinkled thoroughly with hate that is eclipsing America's democratic system. She is a vessel for my message.

She is a true leader.  She is leading in her silence.  Uniting.  Spreading a love campaign.  As the world is exposed to the frailty of life, the world, if even temporarily, becomes a better place.

I hope Gabby's political allies and adversaries get the picture.  I hope they see the pain in America. I hope they see the outcry for help.  I hope they are motivated to do something to stop the hate, work together and make the world a better place for all.  

Whoever thought I could use one person to make such a mighty statement?  That's my style baby...  Shock and awe...  Shock and awe.   

Let this be a lesson to you all.  It should not take such drastic and horrible events to get you people to wake up and get along.  Have you noticed the world becomes a better place after something traumatic happens?

9-11.  People rallied around America and brother shrub blew that one.  John Lennon - Part of his imagine crusade temporarily saw the light of day.  Ronald Reagan getting shot.  MLK getting shot.  Lady Diana's little wreck.  Hurricane Katrina.  Michael Jackson.  The Gulf Oil Spill..  From evil, good follows.  It's the ebb and flow of the world.  The yin and the yang.  The alfa and the romero.

It's like my resurrection trick.  From evil, something good comes along.  The forgiveness of sin.  A new, shiny you. Yaddayaddayadda.  Chingchangwallawallabingbang.

Maybe I should give Satan a special project list expected completion dates...  Think of me as a project manager....

Back to those completion dates..  Something terrible should happen somewhere between 9 and 16 months?  Somewhere in that window of time the frailty of life needs to be re-visited to help you understand, bring you together.  Love one another just as I said.  It's like a reverse model of intermittent rewards.  Except bad events are the trigger events to motivate the mortals to do something good.

Remember when I said I answer prayers when the situation is most dire because it restores the human condition and brings a sense of hope and wonder to the world?  I prove my point...  Again...  You know what else?  Every time, I'm right. And you know what?  It makes me sad bringing pain to the world to teach you a lesson.  No pain, no gain.   It hurts me more than it hurts you for these terrible things to happen.  I believe in tough love.

Teaching you the same lesson over and over is getting old.  I feel like I'm parenting a bunch of stupid kids making the same stupid mistakes over and over again.  What's it gonna take for this to stick?  A piece of gum?  A drop of superglue?  A post-it note?  Some dried up high-fructose corn syrup?  How about a magnet?  Velcro?  You tell me....  I'm out of ideas.

Love,

Your Father who farts in heaven. - Jesus.   (Just for fun... let's pronounce it "Hey-Suess" for today only)

P.S. - Just so you know...  Gabby's a fighter.  She'll come out of this.  I stake my life on it. - JC

Catlick priests?

I finally figured out the problem with the catholicks and their abuse/molestation and porn problems with children.  It was a design flaw.  Starting today they shall be called catlick priests.

Have you ever seen a cat give itself a bath?  And...  they get into this awkward position...

Go about their business grooming the gentiles genitals...Never mind...Sorry...

Less I digress...

That's where I goofed.  It must have been a day after a party when I'm working with a hangover to create catholick priests.  I think I meant to call them catlicks.  Ooops.  Which leads to another flaw....

I didn't want all you horny toad wanna be gang bangers hanging out it your study chambers doing unspeakable things to children and creating stained glass murals as some sort of twisted headboard notching device.   By design, the human body is not capable of being bent in half to prevent this kind of behavior.  I am in awe of contortionists because they exceed the range motion specifications I built into the human body making the mischief of a do it yourself rim or blow job possible.

Side note:  What if Gene Simmons was a Cirque du Solei contortionist instead of a member of Kiss?

Less I digress...

Normal people are NOT built to do those kinds of deviant behaviors on themselves.  Each other?  Yes.  Themselves?  NO.


But hey, among many other things, I'm a flexible guy, a creative thinker and a problem solver!

Starting today, all those who listed becoming catlick priests on their vocation interest and survey cards will be able to take the same position as the pussy cat shown above.  If the catlick priest wants stimulation from something besides my word, it is now self serve....  Like those new blow-yo fro-yo bars.

Now when you catlicks attend mass, you'll get a real show tailored specifically for the adult crowd.  Hidden cameras will be installed in all study chambers and bragging confession booths.  Since when did mass and counseling sessions become NC-17?  Just wait until Satan has a hand in editing your inservice video promotion and announcement videos.  The outtakes may even make it to the end of the year gagwheel.  Hahahaha.

Peace out perves - J-Dog.

P.S.  Pope Benedict got to see the concept art for my new catlick feature set.  He has requested to have his body retrofitted with this new feature.  He'll be out of the office for a couple of days.  Wait until you see the smile on his face during his next prayer vigil.  Sucker.