Hidden Jesus?

My friends - Dear Believer Tucker got ahold of a photo and had it posted for public.  Immediately, I requested it to be pulled down until I had a chance to tell you what we've got goin' on at Jesus, Inc!

Here is Believer Tucker's photograph taken in Tornado Alley:

This isn't some fluke fad phenomenon like Justin Bieber.  I call it mind bending, reality twisting artistic expression.

Actually, the art is a collaboration between me and my Project Earth Ecosystem Intern.  I still can't find one I like.  We've been burning through interns the same way Charlie Sheen parties with a 7 gram rock...  that might explain a lot of these tornados.  Interns get so um, irrational when they aren't offered permanent job after their internship expires.  Anyways - I was hanging out with the new one, Reymundo.  He is one crazy dude.  Crazy in a brilliant sort of way.  Anyways, we were hanging out at my mansion one night hitting the bong and came up with this great idea.  We were both like, "Whoaaa dude.  This is....  AWESOME!" And gave each other High Fives as we passed the bong back and forth.  Doooood.

You know how The Walt Disney Company started this cult activity of hiding "hidden" mickeys in their attractions at the theme parks, animated features, live action films, etc?  The hard core Disney followers and fans created books and websites devoted the discovery of these hidden mickeys.  I kinda think of it as GeoCaching for Diznoids without the treasure hidden in the Army ammo box.  Take something, leave something.  Whatever.  Like that ever works?  All you end up with is a looted empty box because no one every plays by the rules.  Did you ever think that might be the reason spots are limited in my eternal time share program?

Less I digress...

Man - the phone calls at 1-800-PAY-4-PRAY have been rolling in with the sighting.  Is it real?  Is it Jesus?  Is it Ben Louden?  Abraham Lincoln or what?

My prayer partners have been given scripted talking points.  It goes something like this:

"Hello!  Thank you for calling 1-800-PAY-4-PRAY.  We're glad to be speaking with you.  How may I help?"

"Hi.  My name is Wilbur and I just looked up and saw something amazing in the clouds."

"You are very observant.  The Father is proud.  What do you see?"

About this time, the conversation really gets interesting.  Think of this question as an exercise in staring directly into they eye's of another, deep down into their soul.

I got people responding with all kinds of craziness.  I am caught of guard by the number of people thinking the image is the reincarnate spirit of Ben Louden and the image reflects the rapture predicted by lost soul Harold.  (BTW, I've given up on that crackpot)  I guess that's one way to look at it.  As soon as we hear the "B" word, my prayer partners immediately starting chanting and speaking in tongues.  Usually the caller freaks out.  Then my people are like, "whoa, chill."  And they start sharing our message of forgiveness, redemption, coincidence and the like.  These are the people we really pray up with an invitation to accept me as their lord and savior.  If they are so freaked out they they're seeing Ben Louden, we got someone easy to manipulate and we can use them in partnership with the Moonies to spread my message of piece and forgivenness.

These people are scared and are looking for the light to make everything all shiny and new.  Have you ever looked into the eyes of a lost soul?  It's very disturbing.  I see real opportunities here.  This is the low lying fruit so easy to reach up and grab.

Then we got the ones talking about Abraham Lincoln and Harold Houdini.  Mind boggling.   Abe and Harry?  Really?  Why would they be in the clouds?  Like they're staring down from heaven?  Uh, no.  That'd be losing.  As we all know, heaven is the greatest place on Earth and a fantastic retirement community where golf is played on courses of gold....

Less I digress...

Truth be told, the image is a throw back retro image of - say circa 725wl (While Living in case you're wondering).  The ruler and creator of the world.  My world.  All mine.  And, I share it with you.  The chosen one's.  Mi Casa is su Casa.

We made this one real easy to find.  You know what the best thing about hidden Jesus is?  You'll never know where you'll find me.  I show up unexpected in your time of need or hallucination.  All I ask is when I call, you answer.  Think of me as the cell phone of all cell phones.  When J.C. calls, people listen.    FYI - I only let the phone ring three times and I NEVER leave voicemail.  And, don't you ever, ever ever put me on hold to take another call.  Who you're talking should always more important than who you might get to talk to - unless it's me interrupting an existing conversation. I'm Just saying.

Think of this Hidden Jesus as being thrown a bone.  The next one will be a bit more tricky but so much more rewarding when it's found.  Just so you know, you may have to squint to see it.  Don't bother setting up the websites or penning the books.  Do you think I'd leave the same thing up for more than an hour or two?  Do that, and people use things against you.

Winning with Jesus! - Just like Vegas, baby!

Grace to you which surpasses your understanding.

Fracture Rapture

Believers - Did you really think Harold Camping knew more than I about the end of the word, raptures and the like?  Really?  May 21, 2011?  Where'd he come up with that?  Oh yeah - based on his in depth study of reading and translating the good book.  What an idiot.  Now that I think about it.  I don't know who's more stupid - Harold or his followers.  You be the judge.  Trust me, it's kind of fun to be the judge....

Remember when we first started our movement, my book was a pamphlet containing principles for successful living - a guide if you will.  Over time, the nutjobs decided to translate it and put all this mumbo-jumbo in there that was never intended.  They took creative freedom to an entirely new level.  Alas, I am the only one with the original manuscript for my manifesto.  It's guarded just as Colonel Sanders' recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I've got it rolled and wrapped like one big doobie sitting in a corner of my pantry.  It's so inconspicuous no one would ever guess...

Less I digress...

To celebrate Harold's ignorance, today is RaptureFest.

Here's how it is gonna work.  I've rented a big ol' field with no trees.  It's in Kansas - just so there's no question - we're still here...  I've contracted some food trailers and vendors so there will be carnival food and drink.  Beer, soda and lemonade.  For the diehards, there will be a booth featuring Morgue and David wine.

I really like funnel cakes so I got two booths going for those.  Sausage on a stick, fajita tacos, hamburgers and hotdogs.  Most important - for the kids I got cotton candy.  I'll be giving away cotton candy for free.  I get a strange sense of pleasure seeing all the children walk around with their colored cotton candy on a spool in a rainbow of colors.  I laugh when I see them pull the candy off the spool, stick it in their mouth and enjoy the oral sensation of the stranded sugar melting in their mouthes...  They lick their fingers and go for another swab.  Their fingers get all sticky and colored.  Then they spend the rest of the time at the fair wondering around repeatedly licking their fingers to get the gook off.  Buwahahahaha....

Enough about the food.  Let's have some fun.  Everyone who wants to come to RaptureFest is encouraged to bring a homemade kite modeled after a human mortal.  I want realism.  No cartoony type stuff....  As a matter of fact - if you make a kite that looks just like you, there will be extra points awarded.  The kites will be judged by me and my possie - aka - the board of Jesus Inc, commonly referred to as the apostles.  Winner gets lunch with me at Chipotle.  I'll pick up the lucky one and we'll drive around in the GodRod.  I'll even take you on a tour of Heaven - the greatest place on Earth.

Since we're meeting at the prairie in Kansas, there is a ton of wind.  Everyone will fly their kites.  All the pretty colors, shapes and sizes.  We'll kidnap Harold and bring him to our little party wearing a blindfold.  Then, we'll lead him out - spin him around in a circle about 43 times and remove his blindfold.  He'll be completely disorientated - look up and see all the people kites flying in the wind as if they're ascending to his ill-conceived notion of heaven.

How much you wanna bet he poops in his pants and starts to cry at the magnificent sight of the kites - thinking he finally got it right.

Then, we can all look at him and bust out laughing.

And that my friends is how we roll.  Never get distracted from the way, the truth and the life.  The best kind of relationship is a direct relationship.

Love, Jesus!

PS - Admission is free if you bring a kite and you've accepted me as your lord and savior.  Sins forgiven with every confession made in the confession booth.  Future sins forgiven if we can video tape you while you speak.

My will be done

Dear Believers - I've been watching the Americans and their media regarding the unfortunate loss of Bin Laden.  People using me and my good name to justify killing.  Are these people retarded?  I do not wish death upon anyone in the form of revenge or vengeance.

I think a lot of people forgot my prayer. The key stanza for the day is:

"Forgive us our trespasses as we forgive those who trespass against us."

Please notice the word forgive.  Dear brother webster defines forgive as to stop feeling angry or resentful for an offense.  I'm saying let it go.  It happened in the past.  The unfortunate events of 9-11 can't be undone or taken back.  Killing the killer some how rights a wrong?  Revenge.  So not cool.

It's like the USA has been just waiting to take take an eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth.  How much hate do you people carry around?  Remember, this is not my way nor what I expect of you.

What I do expect from my club members is forgiveness.  You see, forgiving has a strange affect.  It heals the forgiver more than the forgiven.  As a nation, the Americans might what to try it out and see how it works.  I find it works remarkably well.

Love, Jesus.