Fracture Rapture

Believers - Did you really think Harold Camping knew more than I about the end of the word, raptures and the like?  Really?  May 21, 2011?  Where'd he come up with that?  Oh yeah - based on his in depth study of reading and translating the good book.  What an idiot.  Now that I think about it.  I don't know who's more stupid - Harold or his followers.  You be the judge.  Trust me, it's kind of fun to be the judge....

Remember when we first started our movement, my book was a pamphlet containing principles for successful living - a guide if you will.  Over time, the nutjobs decided to translate it and put all this mumbo-jumbo in there that was never intended.  They took creative freedom to an entirely new level.  Alas, I am the only one with the original manuscript for my manifesto.  It's guarded just as Colonel Sanders' recipe for Kentucky Fried Chicken.  I've got it rolled and wrapped like one big doobie sitting in a corner of my pantry.  It's so inconspicuous no one would ever guess...

Less I digress...

To celebrate Harold's ignorance, today is RaptureFest.

Here's how it is gonna work.  I've rented a big ol' field with no trees.  It's in Kansas - just so there's no question - we're still here...  I've contracted some food trailers and vendors so there will be carnival food and drink.  Beer, soda and lemonade.  For the diehards, there will be a booth featuring Morgue and David wine.

I really like funnel cakes so I got two booths going for those.  Sausage on a stick, fajita tacos, hamburgers and hotdogs.  Most important - for the kids I got cotton candy.  I'll be giving away cotton candy for free.  I get a strange sense of pleasure seeing all the children walk around with their colored cotton candy on a spool in a rainbow of colors.  I laugh when I see them pull the candy off the spool, stick it in their mouth and enjoy the oral sensation of the stranded sugar melting in their mouthes...  They lick their fingers and go for another swab.  Their fingers get all sticky and colored.  Then they spend the rest of the time at the fair wondering around repeatedly licking their fingers to get the gook off.  Buwahahahaha....

Enough about the food.  Let's have some fun.  Everyone who wants to come to RaptureFest is encouraged to bring a homemade kite modeled after a human mortal.  I want realism.  No cartoony type stuff....  As a matter of fact - if you make a kite that looks just like you, there will be extra points awarded.  The kites will be judged by me and my possie - aka - the board of Jesus Inc, commonly referred to as the apostles.  Winner gets lunch with me at Chipotle.  I'll pick up the lucky one and we'll drive around in the GodRod.  I'll even take you on a tour of Heaven - the greatest place on Earth.

Since we're meeting at the prairie in Kansas, there is a ton of wind.  Everyone will fly their kites.  All the pretty colors, shapes and sizes.  We'll kidnap Harold and bring him to our little party wearing a blindfold.  Then, we'll lead him out - spin him around in a circle about 43 times and remove his blindfold.  He'll be completely disorientated - look up and see all the people kites flying in the wind as if they're ascending to his ill-conceived notion of heaven.

How much you wanna bet he poops in his pants and starts to cry at the magnificent sight of the kites - thinking he finally got it right.

Then, we can all look at him and bust out laughing.

And that my friends is how we roll.  Never get distracted from the way, the truth and the life.  The best kind of relationship is a direct relationship.

Love, Jesus!

PS - Admission is free if you bring a kite and you've accepted me as your lord and savior.  Sins forgiven with every confession made in the confession booth.  Future sins forgiven if we can video tape you while you speak.