Mr. Fix it

I've been cruising the internet for chicks ideas on how to get back into the G-Zone.  You know, everyone seems to have some kind of self help book or support group to participate in.  I'm not interested in any of that.  Then I started to look at some local therapists.  Everytime I read one of their 'philosophy of treatment' self deprecating essays, I go nuts.  Client centric, life skills, communication, self confidence.  Blahblahblahblah.

Less I digress....

I figure if I am serious about change, I should go to the grand-daddy of all personal scam change artists.  Tony Robbins.  If he's good enough for dignitaries, he is good enough for me.

He thinks he's hot snot with that walking on glowing coal thing?  He ain't seen nothing until I show up the resurrection and walk on water tricks.

Maybe I could teach that punk a thing or to.  It could be a reciprocal relationship or a win-win relationship or, maybe even a sinergistic relationship...

I'll try to work out a magic trade.  He can show me his and I'll show him mine.  Wurd.

Been down in the dumps

Just to let everyone know....  I'm not dead.  I'm severely depressed.  All the changes over the last year have turned my world inside out and upside down.  About three months ago, I crashed.  Withdrew into my cave.  Wished people would leave me alone.  Just let me be.

Suddenly, I find membership in my little club on the decline.  I'm not as relevant today as I was yesterday.  The sun is setting on me and my movement?

I think not.

It is time to grab the bull by the horns.  I think I am going on a personal growth journey.

I'd decided to be twisted

Children - It has been a long time.  My time away has brought me new insights and, to a greater or lesser degree, brought out a really twisted side to my personality.  I started to feel stale and stagnate.  Pope Lavartheus left Jesus, Inc. and stole all the money.  Satan and I - we haven't talked in a while.  I'm feeling a bit lonely and depressed.  When I'm depressed, I start doing strange things....  like this:

It was just a joke.  I revealed myself to Finn on a grilled cheesus sandwich.  Less I digress..

I was sitting around wasted from the Mogen David wine.  And thought, what the hell.  Let's see if anyone sees this...

Sure enough, I'm laying in bed a few days later and I hear a prayer from some guy saying he wants to start a relationship with me because he saw my image on his dog's butthole.

I don't know how to respond.

Jesus...the man, the myth, the dork

Jesus is incognito right now? He says he can be a jerk like me? What? he thinks he is a badass? Here is a photo of the big JC as he left for his "vacation."

HE'S A REAL BADASS!!!!!!!!!

Face it JC. I'm the shiznit. You're the biznitch!

Minion.

Word to the peeps. It's been a while. I've been busy. Too busy for you and this blog thing. Less I digress...

I'm traveling on solo vacation, incognito, with spirit airlines. I look up from meditation and I see a new minion into the brotherhood of the priesthood.  A photo is below. 

Check this goober out.  Do you see anything wrong with this?  I see several observations of concern. 

1-He's wearing black. He must've missed the memo. Minions are only to wear black during lent. Or, at sanctuary.  Black scares people. I should give him credit. At least he's not wearing a robe. If he was, people might mistake him for members of that other little club with the robes and ceremonial regalia.  Sad but true-people get all robe wearing clubs confused. 

2-The cross is hidden in his pocket. Hey newbie-Arenial you ashamed to be a club leader?  Dude-Wear the cross as a badge of honor to remind you and everyone you come in contact with of the greatest give I could give. I gave my life so you could be forgiven of your sins. Made shiny and new. Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time. Blahblahblah. 

3-No seek and finds. Are you mocking the movement?  Newbie-You should be a beacon of hope. A ray of light and you're doing a seek and find?  Get up off your butt and preach. Come on. Make me proud.  This is an airport terminal. Get a revival going. Bring in some new recruits. Introduce someone to their lord and savior. 

4-Image is everything. Don't sit there all curled up in a ball slouching. Sit tall. With confidence. Act like your shit don't stink. You represent me. I'm something to be proud of. People (especially women) are attracted to confident men. Grow a pair. 

So, after making these observations, newbie looks up and recognizes me. He asked for a photo op. I declined. 

I got up and left. As I looked back at him, he placed his head in his hands and began to weep. Pansy. 

See Azazel, I have learned how to be a jerk like you. 

Love -
- Jesus
------
Sent from my mobile device.  

A Minion

Azazele walking in the shadows?

Oh Hell.  Here we go again...  Azazele's been hitting the pipe and the booze.  One thing I forgot to mention.  Azazele doesn't like cheeseburger.  He loves tube steak.  Well, at least that's what the word on the street is...

Love, Jesus H. Christ.  

Dear World....BITE ME

AZAZEL HERE. COMING AT YOU DRUNK AND WITH ALL CAPS! IT'S BEEN A FEW MONTHS SINCE I LAST POSTED ANYTHING AND I CAN SEE THAT THE VIEWERSHIP HAS SUFFERED FROM IT. JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU...ONCE YOU GO SATAN, JESUS IS KEPT AWAITIN!
(i just made that up and on the spot while holding a shot of tequila, man i am good. and notice how there are no spelling errors. Spellcheck be damned, I am freaking awesome)


So anyway, I have something I need to get off my chest. to YOU JC. I am talking to YOU. YOU! CAPS LOCK YOU! If Lebron James can demand respect and people to wait on him....THEN I WANT THAT TOO!!! Jesus Inc. is NOTHING WITHOUT THE DEVIL!!! You can't have people running into your arms without fearing they will fall into mine!!! So the way I see it....YOU OWE ME!! COUGH UP THE DOUGH CRUCIFIX BOY! I want the ladies, the entourage, the media coverage. I want it all. I want that stupid golden goose from Willy Wonka and I want it now. I want the whole world Jesus H. Christ. (and by the way, the "H" in Jesus' name stands for the opposite of hetero.....uh oh, I think the tequila is coming back up)


What was I saying?




Yeah! I can has cheezburger!


THE DEVIL RULES

Talk about a waste

Pilgrims - On so many fronts, Lindsay Lohan is an absolute disaster.

  Lindsay is gonna get some self appreciation time in prison and go to some rehabilitation classes.  You see, fame and fortune came way to fast and way too early for Lindsay.  She was not equipped to deal with the success her me given talents would bring her.

Because of her successes, she forgot all about me.  She ran amuck.  Drinking, snorting, partying, screwing, etc.  You know - partaking in all the "-ing sins."

Due to the life she's led over the last few years, she is nothing more than a  wasteland.  Tattered and torn.  Inside and out.  All used up.  Look at her picture.  She looks horrible.  And the thing is, she brought ALL of this on herself.  So disappointing.

I remain optimistic that her 90 days of self appreciation time and rebab classes will be good for her.  Something magical happens when people hit the bottom.  They begin searching.  Searching for meaning.  Searching for the way.  My way.  When down, out and on the skids, that's where people find me.  Almost always.  It's amazing.  I am always there.  I know everything.  My love does not waver.  I'm everywhere.  Somehow it takes being a bottom feeder for people to realize just how valuable a relationship with me is.  In my strength, people find their strength.  We make 'sinergy.'

Those rehab programs also place an emphasis on developing a relationship with me.  My strength brings them strength.  Blahblahblah.

So Lindsay, now that the world is starting to seem like this cold, mean place, I am waiting for you.   Ready to accept you and love you.  Are you ready?  Ready for a real relationship with a REAL man?  Are you ready to feel all shiny and new?  All you have to do is say the world and I'll be there.

Until then, enjoy your meaningless existence on planet earth.  Get your act together.  Pick up the phone.  Call now.  I have operators are standing by to meet with you and pray with you.   And, if you call within the next 30 minutes, I'll throw in a free t-shirt!

Love, Jesus.

There's an app for that!

Pilgrims - You know James Bond had GoldFinger.  Some people like to play pull my finger.  Now you can shoot my finger, the GodFinger.  See here:  GodFinger 

How awesome is this?  The team at Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) worked overtime on this one.  Everything in the press about Apple being a pain in the butt is completely correct.  We revised this bad-boy 10 times before they approved it.  First, they didn't want to allow religuous applications.  We got them on that whole bible thing.  Then they said it didn't work right or do what we said it did. After the 10 revisions, we gave up and told Brother Job what it really did do and he was good with it.  I don't know what the problem with a little white lie is.  Everyone tells them.

Less I digress...

Pretend you're me.  Seriously.  Close your eyes and pretend you're me.  Next, fire up the g(od)Phone and run GodFinger.  Let your spirit run free.  Run around this mythical world doing my work and see how cool it is and how much impact you can have on others.  Especially, if they accept me as their lord and savior.  Go out prospecting. Work a few miracles.  Bring some virtual members to the club.  Whoever is successful at this may be next in line to inherit the throne.  If you are as good, if not better than, doing my work than I am, you are worthy.  I will hang my head in shame.

Less I digress...  Again...

The real purpose in creating this little 'simulation' is to let you heathens mortals experience my daily conflict.  Do good or do bad?  Use my powers to help people, hurt people or just toy with their emotions.  For me, it depends on my mood.  A lot of times you people are more source of entertainment.  A comedy if you will.  Other times, I genuinely like to help and heal people.  Sometimes I am down right mean. Anything to lift my spirits....

So, next time you feel like shooting the finger, shoot my finger, the GodFinger....

Love, Jesus!

PS - Pull my finger! Thpppttt..  LOL!!!

Father's Day with Jesus?

Oh brother.  I am the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Yesterday was Father's Day and not one of my  children acknowledged me in song or prayer.  Yo - I'm the Father of everyone.  I played a key role in making every single person on this planet and they treat Father's Day just like any other date in the calendar.

I guess it's the same with any Father.  We give our best to our kids.  We provide for them.  We want the best for them.  We discipline when appropriate.  Sometimes harshly - but it's all in the name of Love.  All we need is Love...

Less I digress...  It's my gift to you.  Unconditional love.  I will always love you and ask for nothing in return.  Although, a card or a telephone call would be nice.  Especially on Father's Day.

I've always got Barney and friends to keep me company...  "I love you.  You love me..." If you know what I mean.

This is a better way to celebrate anyway.  I know the ladies are excited to see my "O-Face!"

Love, Jesus!

Jesus Phone

Oy vey!  Heaven's to Betsy.  Like everyone else, I need the latest toys and gizmos to automate my life.  You know - so I can keep up with the Jones's.

I tried to order one of those fancy new white iPhone 4's.  Let me tell you.  I think I tried 50 times starting at 3 in the morning and then in-between my meetings with perspective club members.  I tried over and over and over again yielding the same results....  A complete cluster plagued by gremlins.  Gizmo and his cronies are having a hey-day wreaking havoc on the believers in brother Jobs empty promises of making he thinks will change the world, again.  Then, come to find out, I can't even get a white one.  WTF? I am JESUS and I get what I want when I want it.

If I ran JESUS! Inc the same way AT&T does business, my little club would be non-existent.  Imagine me, saying I will forgive you of your sins and making you new again and then kick you and make your life worse.  Do I do that?  No.  When you accept me as your lord and savior, forgiveness is guaranteed.  My deal with you will never be broken.  I stake my life on it.

I called brother Job on the phone to get some insight as to what is going on.  You know what he says, "Yo G!  (Excuse me, that should be "Yo J") I don't care what the problem is.  I built enough hype around my invention and turned on the money faucet.  My bank account is overflowing.  If you took every single dollar I have and placed them next to each other in perfectly, they would cover the Earth in 3 layers.  That's not even including the money from the last day.  I am rich.  Filthy rich.  I wipe my ass with $100's.  I make the rules.  I don't care. Deal with it."  Then he abruptly hangs up on me.  He hangs up on ME?  Seriously.  His audacity overwhelms me.

Excuse me brother Job?  Now that Satan is on our side, I see you have taken his place.  It is war.  Game on.

And, there's one more thing.  Remember that liver I got for you?  Next time, you will not be so lucky.  I'm giving your room in my mansion to Woz.  Muwahahahaha.

Biker Rally

Geezus - I had such a good time at Bike Week at Daytona earlier this year.  We launched the street team, did a revival, people got saved, I walked on water, yaddayaddayadda....

I decided to take the chopper down to the little biker rally being held in the great state of Texas.  Those people are absolutely nuts.  This wasn't so much of a bike week... more like a weekend of complete debauchery.  Worse than Azazele's rumspringer project for the idiots representing the vatican...

Less I digress...

So, I'm there and I try standing on my motorcycle while riding into the meet.

I thought it'd be really cool to make an entrance.  I fell off, they all laughed at me.  t was all cool until something happened with the throttle and the next thing I know the motorcycle takes off, flying into the crowd of spectators.  While this is happening, I am instantly thrust into the air doing a back flip off my bike.  All of a sudden, the spinning starts, I land on my bum and hear this loud crack.  I broke my tail bone. I tried to laugh it off, but dang...  That hurt.  It took me performing a miracle to even get off the ground.  I gave a wave to the people and bowed down with what little pride I had left while they were laughing at me.  Didn't help matters.

I immediately made my way over to one of the Bandidos and grabbed the joint he was smoking right out of his hand.  Took a monster drag off it.  Inhale.. Hold.... Exhale...  Repeat 2x.  The bandido leader looks at me and laughs.  The next thing I know I am being picked up and carried over their heads like I am a superstar.

They take me over to the center of the crowd.  There was this boxing ring like thing set up.  Midgets were wrestling with eachother.

What a hoot seeing these little people bashing eachother's heads in and pounding eachother.  The headbuts, the jumping, the teasing and talking trash one another.  The crowd is going wild.  I am laughing at the top of my lungs... like a hyena... Because I am stoned.

I'm wondering around in a daze.  I see some guys slamming beers with a bong.  Sign me up.  I'm there.  I partake in the festivities...  The bikers are all laughing and pointing at me.

All of a sudden, I was jolted out of my deep slumber.  Thank me it was just an intense dream.  I look around and I am laying down in a parking lot next to a box.  I push the box over and I look around.  I see the boxing ring where the midget wrestling was taking place.

Oh no....This really happened...  I got a huge headache...  Must be a hangover.  I slowly get orientated to my surrounding and see my bike off in the distance - probably where it landed after it sped off while I was standing on it while riding on it.  Trying to be cool didn't work out too well last night.  I manage to pick up the bike, I sit on it and look in the mirror.

You'll never believe it.  My reflection reveals they shaved my head...  And my eyebrows...  They used a sharpie to draw my eyebrows on.  I also have a mustache drawn on.

How on Earth am I going to explain this?

My popularity

Believers - I am gravely concerned.  Concerned about my lack of popularity on the internet.  Yes, we are number eight on the google search.  Yes, we have a facebook page.  People land on our creative writing project from all over the world searching on various subjects.  Side note - the most searched on topics are "ChristFest Planning" and Tammey Faye.  Not Joke.

Less I digress...

Our growth  has been stunted.  What's the deal?  I figured we'd continue building momentum and become big.  Like really BIG.  Giant.  Huge.  A force in my movement.  For some reason that hasn't happened.  What's the deal?

For the good girl doing bad things

This goes out to all the good girls doing bad things.  Whenever going on an 'overnight' experience with a member of the opposite sex, carry your accoutrements (I love that word) in this handy overnight bag.

I hope images of me will help you remember you are a child of mine.  I have given you the perfect resource to get and keep your life on track.  It is my guide to successful living and autobiography.  Commonly referred to as the bible.

Just think - it's better to pray for wisdom and guidance instead of praying you're not pregnant.  Especially out of wedlock.  I frown on that.

I gave Rimmer one of these just after she won the little beauty pageant.  You can have one too for the low prices of $9.99.  Offer good while supplies last.

And ladies always remember to bare your soul before you bare your bod.

Love, Jesus!

Jesus Wrapper

Hello Constituents.

This gives me goose bumps.  My efforts to make inroads with all cultures is paying off.  I saw this on a billboard in East LA.  The home of the bloods and the crips.  Yeah.  This is what it's all about.  Bringing the salt of the Earth into a sweet, loving relationship with the father.  When these 'gangsters' accept me as their lord and savior, you should see their faces light up and the gleam in their eyes.  It is quite beautiful.

These new club members are awed at the power of my forgiveness.  It's like they're born again.  They are shiny and new.  A clean bill of health.  An empty slate waiting to be written on.  Ah, the power of forgiveness.  It's a shower that cleanses the soul of sin.

Usually when we get one of the gangsters as a member of our little club, we are both crying.  The emotion is overwhelming.

I know we are doing good for the world.  We are making the world a better place.  It's quite simple - reach out to those doing bad in the world.  Love them and care for them.  Their allegiances quickly shift to a pure, joyful and innocent relationship fundamentally based on unconditional love.

I love knowing the impact I have on the lost and confused.  Be me for a day and see just how fulfilling life can be.

Love, Jesus!

I suggest you avoid this like the plague

Dear Believers - It has recently come to my attention that a clergyman told one of my dear believers to stop reading because what I do is wrong.  Excuse me?  A clergyman telling one of my children not to read the thoughts and words from the Father? Oh boy...

My child, first off, I am your shepherd.  You are my sheep.  I gave you a brain to think for yourself.  With all my heart, I believe you are free to make your own choices without having to listen to the bad apples in the barrel.  I am most disappointmented in you dear believer.  If you enjoy my work, stand up for yourself and our movement.  Get out from under 'the man's' thumb.

This leads us to another problem.  The brotherhood of the priesthood.  The bad apples in the barrel.  Mr. Clergyman - You're fired.  Leave your robe and collar by the door and never come back.  You are no longer welcome to minister on my behalf.  I will see to it that you never, ever, ever preach in this town again.  In case you forgot, your job is to facilitate the sheep to have a relationship with me.  I forgive people of all their sin and make them shiny and new again.

Obviously, Mr. Clergyman, you are part of the problem and cause people to stray from me.  Just because your ideas don't mesh with mine does not give you the right to 'suggest' people seek guidance and principles for living a successful life from other sources.  I am for you, who can be against you?  Exactly.

So, Mr. Clergyman - take your tortured soul and go elsewhere.  I am sure there is some snake oil salesman who can use your services more than I.  Loser.

Less I digress...

So, dear believer, please know I am waiting for you to again see the light.  Let's work on repairing the damage Mr. Clergyman has done to our relationship.  When your head has cleared, I am waiting with open arms to forgive and love you.  And you know what dear believer?  I know you will sneak a peak.  I am like crack and porn.  You're addicted to me.  I am a habit you can not break.

J-Dawg!

Spoke to Mother Nature

Greetings.  I just got off the phone with Mother Nature trying to comfort her.  She was weeping over the crisis in the gulf.  Seriously.  All the water being contaminated.  The animals and fishies getting covered in goo.  What a mess.  Her tears were flowing like niagara falls.  She is mourning the destruction.  Her heart is heavy.  She wonders if your addiction to oil is worth ruining the ecosystem I made for you.  It was bound to happen.  The risks associated with getting my black gold would eventually catch up to you.  You think this is bad?  Wait until the next one.  Leave my planet alone.  You'll be sorry.  How bad do I have to make it before you stop messing with it?

What do I do to resolve the situation?  I offer forgiveness to those who caused this.  How lame.  It's what I do.  I forgive those who ask and accept me as their lord and savior.  At least I'm consistent.

Less I digress...

I know for a fact there is a farmer in Iowa that knows exactly how to plug that well.  The problem is no one will listen to him because he's "just a farmer."  Hm.

In the meantime, the goo will continue gushing from the hole until someone can think outside the box and listen to some good ol' southern engineering from my man in Iowa.

Love, Jesus

Get Saved Today and Receive a Free Gift

Hello - For those of you sitting on the fence deciding whether or not to accept me as your Lord and Savior, maybe this will be the deal maker:

That's right.  Free T-Shirts to all who accept me as their lord and savior.  Pretty neat, huh?  I should have thought of this a long time ago.

And, I tell you what...  If you take the leap today, I'll even through in a sampler pack of Holy Water!

Think of it as an incentive to come to the Father.  Normally being forgiven of all your sins and made shiny and new is good enough.  However, we are not meeting our YTD goal - so think of this as a Jesus stimulation package.

Come and get it while the gettin' is good!

Love, Jesus.

PS - Offer good while supplies last and may be withdrawn at any time.

Plastic Surgery - Appearance is EVERYTHING!

Before long, I'm gonna look like Michael Jackson and Heidi Montag.  When I had my make over after the resurrection I changed my look.  I think I took it a little too far.  Now I want to have it corrected.  You know - to tame down the metro look...  What was I thinking?  Apparently I was thinking about scoring with the ladies....  Even I am flawed...  The dumbstick wasn't my smartest move, was it...

Less I digress..

Now I am thinking I should morph into something more like Tom Hanks.  It's a more conservative look.  A little more innocent yet respectable.  Something the way most people look.  Not ultra attractive but not ugly, either.  Just a regular Joe Vs. the Volcano.  Actually, I'm a regular Jesus.

Less I digress again...

This time Oprah and Dr. Oz aren't too interested in helping me out.  They assisted last time because I was gonna do that little interview.  I didn't like the direction the project was going.  The deal is off.  Oprah is not happy right now.   Everyone knows what happens when Oprah gets angry....  For the first time in my life I'm gonna get a firsthand taste of being on the crap side of her stick.  Ew.  Maybe a couple dozen donuts will make amends?

So, I am seeking surgery in India - I hear Dr. Sanjay Gupta is the hookup man.  If I find someone I can trust, I will go under the knife again.  It's all in the name of fame.  My image is one of my most valuable assets.  If it isn't perfect, my market value could be compromised and that would hurt our little club and the company.  Must remain loyal to Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) shareholders.

I hope my nose doesn't fall off when all is said and done.

If it does, I know this fantastic carpenter from the old world who could fix me up.  No, I'm not a do it yourselfer...  My guy did work for Pinocchio...

And that, ladies and gentlemen is why they call me "Captain 12 inch!"

Over and Out - Jesus!