Which came first?

Yo Heathens - What up yo?

What came first?  The shovel or the flame?

I was cruising the Hotrod Godrod - remember this?  I still enjoy driving this beast as much as the day I bought it.

So anyway, with my birthday drawing nearer and nearer every day, traffic if absolutely horrible.  Why are you people driving around right now?  You should be contemplating the miracle of my immaculate deception conception.  This little wife's tale is the start of my two part stage production making our little club possible.

Less I digress....

So, I'm trying to get home.  Dudes and dudettes, there is nothing better than driving a car with catlike reflexes doing everything I demand of it.  You people could learn a thing or two from my car...

Less I digress...  part deux...

Back to my story... I'm stuck in this slow moving traffic with limited opportunities to rapidly advance myself...   This traffic was like molasses...

Less I digress... 3x a charm?

Anyway, I see an opportunity in the right hand lane to break out.  I lane change, followed by another lane change to the merge on/off lane.  Finally, the Godrod sings like Handel's famous Messiah chorus..  Whoa.  I gotta get back in the right lane because I don't want to exit...  And I do this the next merge lane/exit, too.  I look up and I realize why traffic is going so slow.  It's a funeral procession.  That explains why they were going so slow with their flashers on.  First, I thought it was a bunch of retards playing follow the leader while driving...

Then I realized something...  Just because these people are transporting a dead body doesn't mean they should make the rest of us to want to go kill someone else.  Jesus Christ....  Oh, wait...  That's me.  Take a back road next time...

Anyway, Less I digress...  If less than four, it's a bore...

I blow up the feeder road and jump out in front of them, waiving my hand outside my sunroof.  See ya, suckers....

Which got me thinking...  Who and why did the mortals decide to dig a hole, drop in a body, cover it up and let it forever rot in the ground?  Seriously? I bet it's something those crazy catholicks came up with to make money while they hittin' the bong.  They're worse than me when it comes to finding money making opportunities...

Then I got to thinking, why not set the body on fire and burn it up cremation style?

Trust me, when you're dead, you're never gonna want or need that tired, worn out vessel you've been carrying your soul in for all these years.  It's used up.  Tattered and torn.  It's garbage.  For what it's worth, I hear dead bodies make a terrific addition to your composting bins....

Less I digress..  Five Alive?

You're done with your body.  Do you think someday you'll be called up and all this rotted compost is gonna come swirling around to re-create your body?  When you die, your soul returns to it's essence of a spiritual energy.  You've had your time on Earth.  Hopefully, you learned something while here...

Less I digress...  Six?  Am I playing tricks?

I'm here to tell you cremation is The Way of the future.  It's quick, easy and doesn't make a mess.  It takes up a lot less space...  Plus, if you're ever in a bind, it makes terrific kitty litter.

Less I digress...  Seven!  Does anything rhyme with 7?

The idea of closure?  What? Put the dead guy in a box, close  the lid and bury it.  Is that your idea of closure?  And have a place to visit like Disneyland or Graceland to mourn your loss?  Really?

Cremation is more like a souvenir.  A precious souvenir from their time here on Earth.  Depending on how big the person was, there could be urns of ash to give to friends or sell on eBay....

Whatever...

You could make mini keychain urns so you can take your loved on with you wherever you go.  Instead of visiting Disneyland, you can take them to Disneyland.

Less I digress...  8!?!?  This is GREAT!

If you're poor, er, I mean economically challenged and living on foodstamps, medicaid and unemployment, instead of bawling an urn, a garbage can works just as well.  You don't really need anything fancy....

Bottom line is this...  When you're gone, you're gone.  Cryogenics is a crock.  Some say you come home to me.  Homecoming in heaven - the best place on Earth.  Space is limited.  One of our friendly sales reps are standing by at your local house of worship for details.  Or, if you're more comfortable you can always call 1800-PAY-4-PRAY.

Less I digress...  9 is fine.  That's what she said...

Back to my original question.  What came first?  The shovel or the flame?  Duh...  the shovel...

Word out - J.E.S.U.S.  and that spells JESUS!

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Is it me or does this guy scare the living daylights out of you?  Man, he gives me the willies....  Ew.

Monks Rock!

Brother and Sisters in Me - I bring you greetings with the sign of the cross as my birthday draws near.  I love this time of year because the world rotates around me.

Did you know the world rotates around me two times a year?  Christmas and Easter.  The folks attending my house those two days are called Cheasters...

Anyway, Less I digress..

Check out this little movie I shot with my GodPhone:



That's me belly laughing and yelling like a crazed hyena...  Less I digress...  again...

How awesome is this?  The monks found a way to sing one of my favorite old-school festival hymns without technically breaking their silence.  They chose this life of stupidity  discipline to do my work...  My question was how they manage to do my work without talking...  Today, my question was answered.  They used their creative gifts and talents to work a miracle...  Isn't that awesome?

What are you doing with the creative gifts and talents I gave you?

Love, The Reason for the Season!

Are you a sinner or a perfect knock off of me?

Heathens - Today, I challenge you.  I challenge you with this daily devotion - take some time to reflect over today's message straight from the Father's mouth.  The buck stops here, yo.

You are not evil sinners or perfect imitations of me.  I made you knowing you were flawed, sometimes fatally so.  The thing I find interesting about you mortals is this - you let the world dictate your identity.  Saint or sinner.  Sane or crazy.  Hero, villain or victim.  Good parent or loving child.  You treat others the way I treat you - both the good and the bad.

To tell you the truth, I don't care about any of that.  I accept you for who you are - why wouldn't I?  I created you - I made you from nothing.  I poured my heart and soul into your being. If you don't like something about yourself, do something to change it.  See - if I gave you my all, I acknowledge my flaws for they are in you.

Did you hear me?  My flaws are in you.

Doesn't that blow your mind?

Less I digress...

I accept you as you are because I accept me for who I am.  Save yourselves lots of money and years of therapy to discover your problems other's have used to label you.

Use your money for something more important - I still have slots available in my Heaven time share program.  My staff and I are as committed as ever to keeping Heaven the best place on Earth.  Jesus Inc. has tons of wonderful products to enhance your relationship with me.  I have a birthday special going on right now...  All puppets are half off.  Get it?  They're just torsos...

For the little one's, we just launched finger puppets...



Please don't take advantage of any five finger discounts.

Less I digress...  Again....

My motto is this:  Come as you are or don't come at all.  Seriously.  Everyone is welcome in my house - I have tons of them all over the world.  There's a location near you.

Decide for yourself.

While you're at it...  Be yourself and love yourself.  Trust me.  It's good for the soul.  I should know, I  do it each and every day.

Your friend and life coach -

Jesus Christ
The only son of God
Founder and CEO, Jesus Inc.

PS - And, there's one more thing.  Don't believe all the crap written in the bible about me judging you.  It was written by your fellow mortals to control you and shape you into perfect little rectangles in a multitude of sizes and colors.  Just like Legos.  Why?  To turn you into just another brick in the wall.

PPS - Do you know what I find to be most sad?  "They've" been feeding you crap for over 2000 years.  What's worse?  You've been eating it.

PPSS - Why go out and eat a burger when you can stay home and have a steak? My point exactly....

Love, J-Dawg the Hot Dog!

Celebrity Deaths

Hello Mortals - You know what I look forward to?  The next time I decide to take one of your celebrities from their life on Earth and put them in purgatory for a couple days.  What gets me is these people are just people I put on this planet to entertain you.  You make the choice to put them on a pedestal and worship them.  Sometimes you put them above me.  While I'm not exactly thrilled with this,  it's one of the many flaws I gave you when constructing your personalities...  Of course, I forgive these sins of worshiping others above me - it's what I do.

Less I digress...

Have you noticed how celebrities die in groups of three.  Like triplets?  Do you know why that happens?  Because me and Satan are having game night.  When we play tic-tac-toe and I win, three people die.  One for each x in the winning line.  Why do I always play x?  Because back in the day, an x stood for a kiss; make that the kiss of death.  You know, people would kiss a piece of paper on the x.  In contemporary times, the x marks the place on a legal document where one's signature is required to execute the document or hold one accountable to the agreement contained therein.  Plus, X always marks the spot.

Notice how there are these long drought without a celebrity being called home?  It could be for a couple reasons...  Satan and I keep ending with a draw - often times this is the case - both of us have been playing tic-tac-toe for a very long time and one of us has to be playing less than our a game to arrive with a winner.  Keep in mind we're as old as time - and we've been playing cheap parlor games at least that long....  Sometimes one of us is out for business meetings or vacation.  Sometimes I'm mad at him and don't let him come over for game night - he can be a butt.

You know what else I like?  The media attention.  I love to see funeral processions on television.  It's like a parade - and I LOVE a parade.  I enjoy seeing all the gifts of flowers, the notes taped to fences, the tears being shed.  My personal favorite is the "We will always remember" home made posters.  If you mortals really want to score points with me, use florescent colors and big balloon letters with glitter.  I have a fetish for shiny things that I can read from way up high.


Less I digress again...

So...  I haven't had anyone get killed in a skiing accident since Sonny (from Sonny and Cher).  I think I'll pluck one that way...  Death by natural cause is a perennial favorite - I usually reserve that one for crusty politicians.  And finally - how about something catastrophic like a shooting or stabbing?  I think I'll skip that one.  Last time i did that, we got stuck hearing about John Lennon for like ever...  Shootings and stabbings make for great heros and recovery story.  Those always restore a sense of triumph to the collective human spirit.

Let me think...  Ahhah!  I got it!  Time to try something new...  How about a suicide while in celebrity rehab?  Hey Lohan - knock knock knock...  It's me at your door - time's a tickin'...

Your twisted savior - J-Dawg.

PS - Happy Birthday to ghost writer.  He turned 40 today.  I love you man....

Black Friday

Hello Sheep - Wha's up?  Man, I am stuffed from all that turkey.  It's like a turkey coma.   Mary came over and we ate some birds.  Then we had some bees.  Mmmm....  Like honey.  After we got done eating, Mary wanted to look at the Black Friday ads.  I'm like, "No, woman.  None of that."  She looks at me and she says, "Who do you think you are talking to me that way?"  I reply, "I'm your Daddy."  "Excuse me!", she says with some of that 'ethnic' attitude.  Oh Lord.

All these store making a profit in anticipation of Christ-mass.  Door busters...  Dust busters...  Dave and Busters... Butt busters... Hungr busters...

Zzzzzzz.....

The Pope's Condom?!?!

Faithful - I don't quite know what to say.  Pope Benedictus stated condoms are okay to use and a first step towards morality.  Okay...  And what, not using a condom is a first step towards mortality?
  Whateva...

It has come to my attention the catholic franchisees will start distributing condoms.  With Benny's face on the wrapper.  See here:

If this isn't a killjoy to spending quality time with your special friend, I don't know what is.  This haunting image is enough to instantly turn a grape into a raisin.  A plum to a prune.  Beef into jerky.  Wine to water.  It shrinks cotton - you get the idea.

Less I digress...

This got me thinking.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying the intimate companionship with the object of your affection.  Some practice solo, others practice in a small (or large) group setting.  However, the most common way to enjoy intimacy is with a partner.

Once again, I feel the need to remind the catholicks there is nothing wrong with an orgasm.  It is my gift to you.  How can something that feels so good be bad?  It's like sex for the brain.  Wait...  It is sex for the brain... and the body...  Well, never mind...

And do you think I really intended you to have sex make love with only one person?  At a time?  I want to you to make love to me..  On Sunday....  Just like Mary Magdalene does.  She's HOT.  Did I mention that yet?  Why do you think Sinday Sunday is my day?  On the 7th day I rested.  Yeah, that's the ticket.

Less I digress (again)...

Finding a suitable object of your affection is a lot like buying a car.  You gots to go for some test drives.  Just make sure the dealer doesn't come along to watch - and never give them your photo ID.  Multiple makes and models.  Spend some time with them.  See if their performance pleases your senses.  How does it handle?  Do you like the features and special option packages?  Where can the best deal be had?  Do some comparison shopping.  Check consumers reports.  When you turn on your car does it return the favor?   Cadillacs do.

Yo catholicks - please...  enough with the scary man pictures on the wrapper.  Yes, I realize it is only for protection - protection is meant as a temporary fix - like keeping plastic on the furniture so you don't get peter marks or hit a bump and spill during the testing phase...

So, wear  a condom while on a test drive.  When you finally find the one you commit to, peel back the plastic and enjoy.

Love,

Cheesus.

Word up yo?  Ministry is going well.  People are being saved.  They are coming to the Father.  Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) is on a roll.  Got that thing on auto-pilot.  Revenue is pouring in from are various products, including:  Jesus Water, Jesus Mints, JESUS! (kinda like Bingo), Sanctuary!, our Lego figures and sets, etc.  It's just one big life savin' money makin' machine.  My Father would be proud.  Oh, wait...  I am the Father....

I'm getting jazzed about my "Awaken the Giant Within" seminar with Tony Robbins.  It's going to be incredible!

My Hot Girl friend

Yo - Sheep - what up?  Guess what?  My HOT girlfriend is joining us.  It's gonna be awesome.  Mary Magdalene!

Did you ever see that movie "She's out of your League?"  There is this scene were the guys are talking about how a guy and a girl have to be rated close to the same for the relationship to work.  Let me tell you, Mary is a hard perfect 10.  Me...  Yes, I am perfect.  However, I consider my own appearance to be more of a good, strong and solid 7.

So far it works.  Remember, they don't call me captain foot long for nothin.

I'll let Mary tell you more.

Baaaaaah out - Jesus!

Going to see Tony Robbins

Believers - I finally got hooked up to go see Tony in Hawaii.  I figure if I am serious about personal change I should learn from the best in one of the most beautiful places I made.  Hawaii.  As in Hawaii 5-0.  Yeah, that's right.

The personal transformation seminar will be in the next couple weeks.  In the meantime I am going to enjoy some lamb, unleavened bread and some water turned to wine.

Piece out - J-Dawg

Mr. Fix it

I've been cruising the internet for chicks ideas on how to get back into the G-Zone.  You know, everyone seems to have some kind of self help book or support group to participate in.  I'm not interested in any of that.  Then I started to look at some local therapists.  Everytime I read one of their 'philosophy of treatment' self deprecating essays, I go nuts.  Client centric, life skills, communication, self confidence.  Blahblahblahblah.

Less I digress....

I figure if I am serious about change, I should go to the grand-daddy of all personal scam change artists.  Tony Robbins.  If he's good enough for dignitaries, he is good enough for me.

He thinks he's hot snot with that walking on glowing coal thing?  He ain't seen nothing until I show up the resurrection and walk on water tricks.

Maybe I could teach that punk a thing or to.  It could be a reciprocal relationship or a win-win relationship or, maybe even a sinergistic relationship...

I'll try to work out a magic trade.  He can show me his and I'll show him mine.  Wurd.

Been down in the dumps

Just to let everyone know....  I'm not dead.  I'm severely depressed.  All the changes over the last year have turned my world inside out and upside down.  About three months ago, I crashed.  Withdrew into my cave.  Wished people would leave me alone.  Just let me be.

Suddenly, I find membership in my little club on the decline.  I'm not as relevant today as I was yesterday.  The sun is setting on me and my movement?

I think not.

It is time to grab the bull by the horns.  I think I am going on a personal growth journey.

I'd decided to be twisted

Children - It has been a long time.  My time away has brought me new insights and, to a greater or lesser degree, brought out a really twisted side to my personality.  I started to feel stale and stagnate.  Pope Lavartheus left Jesus, Inc. and stole all the money.  Satan and I - we haven't talked in a while.  I'm feeling a bit lonely and depressed.  When I'm depressed, I start doing strange things....  like this:

It was just a joke.  I revealed myself to Finn on a grilled cheesus sandwich.  Less I digress..

I was sitting around wasted from the Mogen David wine.  And thought, what the hell.  Let's see if anyone sees this...

Sure enough, I'm laying in bed a few days later and I hear a prayer from some guy saying he wants to start a relationship with me because he saw my image on his dog's butthole.

I don't know how to respond.

Jesus...the man, the myth, the dork

Jesus is incognito right now? He says he can be a jerk like me? What? he thinks he is a badass? Here is a photo of the big JC as he left for his "vacation."

HE'S A REAL BADASS!!!!!!!!!

Face it JC. I'm the shiznit. You're the biznitch!

Minion.

Word to the peeps. It's been a while. I've been busy. Too busy for you and this blog thing. Less I digress...

I'm traveling on solo vacation, incognito, with spirit airlines. I look up from meditation and I see a new minion into the brotherhood of the priesthood.  A photo is below. 

Check this goober out.  Do you see anything wrong with this?  I see several observations of concern. 

1-He's wearing black. He must've missed the memo. Minions are only to wear black during lent. Or, at sanctuary.  Black scares people. I should give him credit. At least he's not wearing a robe. If he was, people might mistake him for members of that other little club with the robes and ceremonial regalia.  Sad but true-people get all robe wearing clubs confused. 

2-The cross is hidden in his pocket. Hey newbie-Arenial you ashamed to be a club leader?  Dude-Wear the cross as a badge of honor to remind you and everyone you come in contact with of the greatest give I could give. I gave my life so you could be forgiven of your sins. Made shiny and new. Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time. Blahblahblah. 

3-No seek and finds. Are you mocking the movement?  Newbie-You should be a beacon of hope. A ray of light and you're doing a seek and find?  Get up off your butt and preach. Come on. Make me proud.  This is an airport terminal. Get a revival going. Bring in some new recruits. Introduce someone to their lord and savior. 

4-Image is everything. Don't sit there all curled up in a ball slouching. Sit tall. With confidence. Act like your shit don't stink. You represent me. I'm something to be proud of. People (especially women) are attracted to confident men. Grow a pair. 

So, after making these observations, newbie looks up and recognizes me. He asked for a photo op. I declined. 

I got up and left. As I looked back at him, he placed his head in his hands and began to weep. Pansy. 

See Azazel, I have learned how to be a jerk like you. 

Love -
- Jesus
------
Sent from my mobile device.  

A Minion

Azazele walking in the shadows?

Oh Hell.  Here we go again...  Azazele's been hitting the pipe and the booze.  One thing I forgot to mention.  Azazele doesn't like cheeseburger.  He loves tube steak.  Well, at least that's what the word on the street is...

Love, Jesus H. Christ.  

Dear World....BITE ME

AZAZEL HERE. COMING AT YOU DRUNK AND WITH ALL CAPS! IT'S BEEN A FEW MONTHS SINCE I LAST POSTED ANYTHING AND I CAN SEE THAT THE VIEWERSHIP HAS SUFFERED FROM IT. JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU...ONCE YOU GO SATAN, JESUS IS KEPT AWAITIN!
(i just made that up and on the spot while holding a shot of tequila, man i am good. and notice how there are no spelling errors. Spellcheck be damned, I am freaking awesome)


So anyway, I have something I need to get off my chest. to YOU JC. I am talking to YOU. YOU! CAPS LOCK YOU! If Lebron James can demand respect and people to wait on him....THEN I WANT THAT TOO!!! Jesus Inc. is NOTHING WITHOUT THE DEVIL!!! You can't have people running into your arms without fearing they will fall into mine!!! So the way I see it....YOU OWE ME!! COUGH UP THE DOUGH CRUCIFIX BOY! I want the ladies, the entourage, the media coverage. I want it all. I want that stupid golden goose from Willy Wonka and I want it now. I want the whole world Jesus H. Christ. (and by the way, the "H" in Jesus' name stands for the opposite of hetero.....uh oh, I think the tequila is coming back up)


What was I saying?




Yeah! I can has cheezburger!


THE DEVIL RULES

Talk about a waste

Pilgrims - On so many fronts, Lindsay Lohan is an absolute disaster.

  Lindsay is gonna get some self appreciation time in prison and go to some rehabilitation classes.  You see, fame and fortune came way to fast and way too early for Lindsay.  She was not equipped to deal with the success her me given talents would bring her.

Because of her successes, she forgot all about me.  She ran amuck.  Drinking, snorting, partying, screwing, etc.  You know - partaking in all the "-ing sins."

Due to the life she's led over the last few years, she is nothing more than a  wasteland.  Tattered and torn.  Inside and out.  All used up.  Look at her picture.  She looks horrible.  And the thing is, she brought ALL of this on herself.  So disappointing.

I remain optimistic that her 90 days of self appreciation time and rebab classes will be good for her.  Something magical happens when people hit the bottom.  They begin searching.  Searching for meaning.  Searching for the way.  My way.  When down, out and on the skids, that's where people find me.  Almost always.  It's amazing.  I am always there.  I know everything.  My love does not waver.  I'm everywhere.  Somehow it takes being a bottom feeder for people to realize just how valuable a relationship with me is.  In my strength, people find their strength.  We make 'sinergy.'

Those rehab programs also place an emphasis on developing a relationship with me.  My strength brings them strength.  Blahblahblah.

So Lindsay, now that the world is starting to seem like this cold, mean place, I am waiting for you.   Ready to accept you and love you.  Are you ready?  Ready for a real relationship with a REAL man?  Are you ready to feel all shiny and new?  All you have to do is say the world and I'll be there.

Until then, enjoy your meaningless existence on planet earth.  Get your act together.  Pick up the phone.  Call now.  I have operators are standing by to meet with you and pray with you.   And, if you call within the next 30 minutes, I'll throw in a free t-shirt!

Love, Jesus.

There's an app for that!

Pilgrims - You know James Bond had GoldFinger.  Some people like to play pull my finger.  Now you can shoot my finger, the GodFinger.  See here:  GodFinger 

How awesome is this?  The team at Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) worked overtime on this one.  Everything in the press about Apple being a pain in the butt is completely correct.  We revised this bad-boy 10 times before they approved it.  First, they didn't want to allow religuous applications.  We got them on that whole bible thing.  Then they said it didn't work right or do what we said it did. After the 10 revisions, we gave up and told Brother Job what it really did do and he was good with it.  I don't know what the problem with a little white lie is.  Everyone tells them.

Less I digress...

Pretend you're me.  Seriously.  Close your eyes and pretend you're me.  Next, fire up the g(od)Phone and run GodFinger.  Let your spirit run free.  Run around this mythical world doing my work and see how cool it is and how much impact you can have on others.  Especially, if they accept me as their lord and savior.  Go out prospecting. Work a few miracles.  Bring some virtual members to the club.  Whoever is successful at this may be next in line to inherit the throne.  If you are as good, if not better than, doing my work than I am, you are worthy.  I will hang my head in shame.

Less I digress...  Again...

The real purpose in creating this little 'simulation' is to let you heathens mortals experience my daily conflict.  Do good or do bad?  Use my powers to help people, hurt people or just toy with their emotions.  For me, it depends on my mood.  A lot of times you people are more source of entertainment.  A comedy if you will.  Other times, I genuinely like to help and heal people.  Sometimes I am down right mean. Anything to lift my spirits....

So, next time you feel like shooting the finger, shoot my finger, the GodFinger....

Love, Jesus!

PS - Pull my finger! Thpppttt..  LOL!!!