I spoke to mother nature

So...  I'm sitting in the living room and decided I would check in with mother nature.  She has a Godphone, so I initiated a facetime session.  She was a ravaging lunatic.  It's like... she is hitting "that stage" in her life when the sun sets on her youth.  The truth is realized that fertility has snubbed her for someone or something new, something borrowed, something blue.  The economy is improving.  People are finally starting to upgrade again.

It was awful.  She was complaining of Hot Flashes, being all moody and such.  She makes Bi-Polar 1 look like as smooth as silk.  This chick was all over the map.

I didn't know what to say - everything I tried was met with either inappropriate crying or outright hostility.  I thought I was talking to a crazy lady.  I told her I loved her and I needed her to take care of all things meteorologically orientated for the mortals, and how valuable she is to me, the mortals and the operation of Planet Earth.  She provides a valuable service to maintaining happiness among you and keeping the ecological environment of Earth in delicate balance.  Working order.  A state of homeostasis.  You know - to give you the ability to grow food.  Transport goods, friends and family.  Facilitate social interactions, athletic recreation - everything taken for granted.  The bright, sunshiny days.  The gentle rain.  The gray of winter.  The violent storms with thunder and lightening.  Snow.  Earth.  Wind.  Fire.  You get the idea - I need mother nature and I count on her to take care of baby planet Earth.

As I watch her getting ready to respond, the next thing I see is horns growing out of her head - like satan's. I was freaked out completely.

I asked her to hold on for a sec.

I run to the 'medicine cabinet' and grab some weed and roll a doobie.  Light it up.  Inhale.  Hold.  Exhale.  Repeat the standard 3 times.  Plus one for good luck.   Ah, serenity now.  I waltz back to the living room to return to our conversation.

She is huffing and puffing and goes into all this non-relevant mumbo-jumbo about this and that.  I'm like, "Whoa...  I think you need to take a moment to collect yourself before we can continue talking."

Good me.  She looks at me and goes into this diatribe about I have never seen the fury of a woman scorned.  Well, I do know a scorned woman.   I stood by her as she was being humiliated and ostrasized by a group of men.  I say to them, "he who is without sin may cast the first stone."  They scowled at me, blushed and turned away.  Those guys were acting kinda juvenile if you ask me.  Anyway, I get down on my knees, give her a hug.  Kiss her cheek.  Lift her up.  Give her a pat on the head and send her on her Mary way.  From that point forward she makes a positive change in her life.  She is woman.  Hear her roar.   So yes, in a nutshell, I do know how to deal with nutjobs.

But, oh no...  She isn't wired like a normal person.  She goes off on this tangent about how she is so upset.  No one cares about her.  How can I possibly understand what she's been through.  Blahblahblah.  I tell her to chill.  She says "CHILL?  I'LL GIVE YOU CHILL. YOU %$#*!"  Whatever.  I politely discontinue facetime because it was blatantly obvious there was nothing I could do to restore a working relationship. Any attempts to further reconcile our relationship would be met with more crying.  More whining.  More dining.

By this time, I'm stoned out of my mind.  So relaxed about the entire situation.  I light up some incense to hide mary jane's odor - I can't deal with the fuzz doing some kind of raid while I'm trying to self medicate.

Less I digress....

So, I'm sitting in my house.  Meditating while watching my lavalamp do all kinds of crazy stuff.  I listen to the dull roar of your prayers.  My mind begins to wonder and I gently glide to sleep.

I wake up and I'm like, "man, it's really cold this morning."  I look at my thermometer.  It reads negative 85 degrees.  I turn on the news.  What the?  There is this huge winter storm in the states.  We're talking 30 out of 50 states with record lows.  100 million people affected.  Snow.  Ice. Earth.  Wind.  No fire besides the man made kind used to keep warm.

Dude - I didn't realize mother nature was such a wreck.  She's crazy.  How dare she jeopardize  happiness of the minions.  I think it might be time to post a job opening on the Jesus, Inc. (NYSE:  JSUS) website for a new environmental engineer.

The posting will start like this:  "World's most powerful and recognized brand seeks stable and competent environmental engineer.  Successful candidate will be working on long-term project maintaining and manipulating a dynamic ecosystem.  The ability to stir drama without getting carried away is a plus.   Excellent compensation package well above industry average.  Qualified candidates are welcome to submit a cover letter quickly summarizing what you'll bring to the table, a detailed resume'.  References are unnecessary.  Say a prayer and hope you get hired.  Don't call us.  We'll call you.  The one with the best prayer winds.  Please understand this is a temp to hire gig."

My purpose in not hiring a full time ministry assistant right off the bat is to test drive the candidate.  Make sure the candidate is the right fit for my organization and fellow team members.  You know how much I enjoy test drives.

Love, Jesus.
Commander in Chief
Jesus, Inc.

Puppy Love, Pt. 2

Hello Rover, Fido and the like -

Ruff!  In my last devotion, I was talking about homeless people wandering around with their cardboard signs with a cross begging for food and me disregarding them and not throwing any blessing their way.  Well, Grrrr....  I did do something nice for someone...  Remember Ted Williams, the brother with the golden voice.  I mean, this dude has some me given talent.   In case you need a refresher on who this dude is:




Check him out.  The Golden Voice.  Yeah, I gave that to him.  Sex, drugs, Rock & Roll, the booze, the good times all got the best of my child called Ted.

Ted, I decided to give you a second chance.  I carefully laid the groundwork for you.  Put you on that corner.  Had a man with a camera "stumble" upon you and create this viral internet sensation.   Everyone was like, "Oh Ted - You're awesome.  Your voice the voice of the Gods."  Yeah, I like his voice.  He sounds a lot like me.  As a matter of fact, my voice is his voice.  Remember, each and every person is created in my likeness.

So...  Ted, please don't blow this.  Yes, you got a job.  You've been to rehab.  You're out of rehab.  Don't blow it this time.  This is your moment to shine and change your situation.

Every once and a while, I do throw a bone to someone I see with potential.  However, each and every time someone blows it, I am less likely to help.  Of course, I still forgive you of all your sins and make you shiny and new.  But, all that elbow grease going to waste is insulting to me.  I work hard for you. Work hard for me.  Let's make the world a better place.  I'd like to teach the world to sing... in purrfect harmony.

So, Tee-doe (as I affectionately call him) - please make good on what I've given you.

Your friend and personal life coach  - Jesus.

Jesus and Puppy Love.

To all my loyal and faithful sheep -

You know what, I equate you to man's best friend.  Little puppies.  All I have to do is love you and feed you and you remain loyal to me.  Just as long as I uphold my end of the bargain, you do the same on your end.  Even when I start neglecting you (think a homeless dude on the side of the road carrying a stupid sign with a cross on it) - you appear to be ever so faithful.  My first question is, really?  What's wrong with you?  Obviously, I haven't been throwing much blessing your way and you still look to me for hope.  If I've been ignoring you this long, what makes you think my attitude towards you is going to change?  Ouch.  I'm being spiteful today.  And, I really wanted to talk about something else today.  I'll save that for another day.  It is definitely something to look forward to.

Throwing some love your way today - Jesus.

Smokin' a Doobie?

Brother and Sisters....  The Doobie Brother have been a perennial favorite of mine for years.  Rockin' Down the Highway is the best when cruisin' the GodRod...  I think brother Osteem might be able to gain some insight into my movement by repeatedly watching this video.  Maybe he could incorporate this music video into his propaganda brain washings held a couple times a week at Lakewood.  Punk.





I don't think you guys are ready for what was going on when this song was written.  All I gotta say is a good time was had by all.  I mean, it was awesome.  Think of the best party you've ever been to in your entire life.  Think of the best party you've heard about your entire life.  Think Lollapalooza and Woodstock.  Think of it happening in my house.  Me, Satan and the Doobies celebrating a week of debauchery.  It was absolutely Cray-zee....  Those were the good ol' daze.

Love, Jesus - Your Lord and Savior.

P.S. - There is nothing better than a live performance, is there?!?!  Love them.

Love, Jesus...  Again.

Half Baked Joel O-steem.

Dear Charismatic, Feel Good, Prosperity Lovin' People -

I am shocked to just be covering brother O-Steem's tenure at Lakewood Church.  Man - Lakewood.  Talk about the 800 pound gorilla of churches.  Brother Bill HiBull's Willow Creek Community Church is another one.  Both are similar in size.  However, Brother O-Steems went for the seeker crowd and uses the former compaq center for his mega-mansion how for me.  Brother HiBill created a campus community - similar to Microsuck's campus in Redmond.  I'll let you in on a little secret - Brother HiBill wants his community to eventually convert to a commune...  Does any of HiBull's mission smell of Jim Jones to anyone besides me?

As a side note, Ben and Jerry are coming up with a new ice cream flavor called Half Baked Osteem.  Ben (the flavor man) tells me it will be loaded with artificial flavors and colors.  Jerry (the marketing and packaging man) tells me to be ready for something innovative and new.  Half Baked Osteem will come in a large snow cone shaped container.  When you're done eating it, you can turn it upside down and wear it as a cap.  The artwork will be divine.  I can't wait to see and taste it.  Ben, Jerry and I will be on location holding a press conference where we will be tasting and blessing the first mass produced batch at the creamery in Waterbury, Vermont.

Less I digress...

See, Brother Osteem is to marijuana as Jerry Fallwell is to heroine.  Jerry Fallwell-now that is a scary guy and addiction to him and his views is the equivalent of being a mosquito being sucked to the magic bug light that will bring the bug to it's death.  Oh man, Jerry and his words sure sound good and it's easy to get sucked in...  But if you do, the hate will kill you.  Just like a bug looking at that mighty bright light.  It looks so warm and inviting from a distance.  Get to close and gotcha. That's the end.

Brother Osteem, he's kind of the opposite pole.  People smoke him and his message.  They enjoy it.  They get high, they feel good.   There's really no harm to anything he says or does.  He's like a deer in the headlights - blank.  A one track mind.  A broken record.  The same thing over and over again.  He's got his schtick down.  Not my schtick - but his schtick.  It's all a bunch of feel good garbage.  Today is your day.  Becoming a better you.  Your best life now.  Blahblahblah.  The guy is always on cue.

Until, someone attempts to get him talking about anything that might stir up controversy because it could divide people away from his church.  Ask him a question where any other believer can answer, brother Osteem goes into his deer in the headlight, "I don't know...  All I'm saying is we should honor God."  "I don't know, I know there is condemnation but I don't feel that's my place."

See, Brother OSteem, your problem is you're not fully cooked on who you are or my movement.  In case you don't remember, I forgive people of all their sins.  Did you forget that?

I went back to read the transcript on when Joel was on Larry "The King" of Talk and Joel is quoted saying "I don't know" 45 times.  FOURTY FIVE TIMES.

Dude - If people are asking you simple questions about me and my movement and you can't answer basic questions in an hour, saying I don't know is an insult.  You're half baked.  Did I pull you out of the oven before you were done?  I must have.  Anyone who is chosen to lead a franchise on my behalf should know - refer to your FOM (franchise operations manual)...  You should have the strength to plant that stake in the ground and stand by it.  People love a good show and a display of power when deemed appropriate.  The last thing I want is some wimp saying, "i don't know."  Pansy.  I want someone standing tall and shouting from the mountains the truth of my message.  Love one another.  Do good.  Be nice.  Drive Fast,  Make money.  Procreate.  If you don't succeed, try again.  You know the drill...

Did Moses say, " I don't know?"  No, that guy went to the hills, found me and we smoked out.  For a long time.... Too long if you ask me.  Next thing I know, he's lugging these stone tablets full of all kinds of wholesome goodness to spread to the mortals.  He used his stick to part the red sea.  He knew.  He was powerful.  He had my power.  If be for you, who can stand against you?  No one.  Duh....

So, brother Joel - try reading my guide to successful living.  Get a clue.  Be able to answer a question when asked with more than your personal thoughts coupled with an I don't know.  One can only hide behind a great smile for so long.

Yeah, smoking a joint of joel is fun and it feels good until you want to level up - like one of those facebook games...  Then we'll move into some cocaine with Oral Roberts. Next, some crack with John Hagee and Kenneth Copland. Finally, we'll get to the good stuff, the heroine, with Jerry Fallwell. Now, Jerry. Jerry is a jackass. Thank me, he is dead and can no longer do harm to my children.

All these televangelists are evil.  Every single one of them.  If you gotta get your spiritual feeding from a television, please DON'T.  I'd rather have you minions running around naked and ignorant than getting loaded with the garbage these guys spew as the truth of the world.

Just remember, a joint of joel may make you feel really good and optimistic, but he hasn't got a clue.  He's nothing more than a nice guy afraid to stand up for anything besides a photo op and a book deal.  John Hagee and Copland - sometimes you get a good high or a bad high depending on the day.  However, once you've made it all the way to Heroine Fallwell, man, you're gonna get jacked.  There's no question about it.  You're gonna get jacked up and jacked hard.  And it's gonna suck.

So, if you must, enjoy a joint of joel every once and a while, that's fine.  Don't make a habit of it.  Know that he is half baked...  The timer in the oven malfunctioned the day I made him.  But, at all costs, stay away from the other guys I mentioned.  You'll never have the experience I created for you through any of them.  Or any one of the big guys for that matter.  Just say no to Pat Robertson, John Hagee, Kenneth Copland, Creflow Dollar, Joyce Meyer, TD Jakes and the like.  Their messages are distortions of my message - the one true message in the world.

Then again, all messages are distorted.  They don't know me.  You know me.  Get your message and spiritual feeding directly from me.  Smoke some peyote with me and you will see the real me.  The light.  My message.  All will be revealed to those partaking in one of my favorite games:  smoke and find.

I love being in a direct relationship with you.  Just say no to intermediaries. - Jesus.

Personal Change

Man - Tony Robbins - What is the deal with that dude?  He keeps changing the dates of the personal change, Unlimited Power workshop rahrah fest.  I bet he's pulling one of those legacy air carrier tricks.  The plane is not full, so they will cancel today's flight and put everyone on for tomorrow.  That way, instead of running two flights have full, they can run one flight completely full.  Dude, seriously?  Is that how you roll?

Shut up, I say, Shut up

What up sheep in the pasture?  I have heard your prayers.  They're giving me a terrible headache.  It's like this constant drone of bees in a hive...  Or, better yet, one of those wind farms...  Have you heard the drone those wind turbines make when the wind is really blowing?  It's almost unbearable...

Less I digress...

I'm sorry Gabby got shot in the brain....  It was very unfortunate that Satan got the best of Jared Loughner...  Dude...  Here's how it goes:  Ready. AIM. Fire. 

Oops.  That was wrong...

Less I digress...

The easy thing to do would have been to just bring her to Heaven, the greatest place on Earth - she opted in after completing her first year in our little club.  Then I thought to myself, man, I can really use this to wag the dog.  And so, our story begins.

Less I digress...

But, I heard your prayers.  All of them....  So....  Here's what the news reported:

Those initial finger squeezes? Yup, that was me.

The reported thumbs up?  Me again.

The lack of swelling in the brain?  You guessed right.

But here is the interesting.  At that point, my intervention stopped.  

Gabby is one tough chick.  One of my finest specimens.  

Giffords - she's the one making conscious movements, adjusting her gown, and, unfortunately touching her own wounds.  I always hated touching my wounds - it was nasty....  The good thing is the doctors have her so drugged up, I don't think she really knows what is happening and hopefully won't remember any of it.

This brings me to another thought.  Gabby and I have a little bit in common....

I was sacrificed for the world in an effort to make it a better place for everyone.  Gabby wasn't sacrificed, but she has been, well, compromised to ease (even if momentarily) the political landscape sprinkled thoroughly with hate that is eclipsing America's democratic system. She is a vessel for my message.

She is a true leader.  She is leading in her silence.  Uniting.  Spreading a love campaign.  As the world is exposed to the frailty of life, the world, if even temporarily, becomes a better place.

I hope Gabby's political allies and adversaries get the picture.  I hope they see the pain in America. I hope they see the outcry for help.  I hope they are motivated to do something to stop the hate, work together and make the world a better place for all.  

Whoever thought I could use one person to make such a mighty statement?  That's my style baby...  Shock and awe...  Shock and awe.   

Let this be a lesson to you all.  It should not take such drastic and horrible events to get you people to wake up and get along.  Have you noticed the world becomes a better place after something traumatic happens?

9-11.  People rallied around America and brother shrub blew that one.  John Lennon - Part of his imagine crusade temporarily saw the light of day.  Ronald Reagan getting shot.  MLK getting shot.  Lady Diana's little wreck.  Hurricane Katrina.  Michael Jackson.  The Gulf Oil Spill..  From evil, good follows.  It's the ebb and flow of the world.  The yin and the yang.  The alfa and the romero.

It's like my resurrection trick.  From evil, something good comes along.  The forgiveness of sin.  A new, shiny you. Yaddayaddayadda.  Chingchangwallawallabingbang.

Maybe I should give Satan a special project list expected completion dates...  Think of me as a project manager....

Back to those completion dates..  Something terrible should happen somewhere between 9 and 16 months?  Somewhere in that window of time the frailty of life needs to be re-visited to help you understand, bring you together.  Love one another just as I said.  It's like a reverse model of intermittent rewards.  Except bad events are the trigger events to motivate the mortals to do something good.

Remember when I said I answer prayers when the situation is most dire because it restores the human condition and brings a sense of hope and wonder to the world?  I prove my point...  Again...  You know what else?  Every time, I'm right. And you know what?  It makes me sad bringing pain to the world to teach you a lesson.  No pain, no gain.   It hurts me more than it hurts you for these terrible things to happen.  I believe in tough love.

Teaching you the same lesson over and over is getting old.  I feel like I'm parenting a bunch of stupid kids making the same stupid mistakes over and over again.  What's it gonna take for this to stick?  A piece of gum?  A drop of superglue?  A post-it note?  Some dried up high-fructose corn syrup?  How about a magnet?  Velcro?  You tell me....  I'm out of ideas.

Love,

Your Father who farts in heaven. - Jesus.   (Just for fun... let's pronounce it "Hey-Suess" for today only)

P.S. - Just so you know...  Gabby's a fighter.  She'll come out of this.  I stake my life on it. - JC

Catlick priests?

I finally figured out the problem with the catholicks and their abuse/molestation and porn problems with children.  It was a design flaw.  Starting today they shall be called catlick priests.

Have you ever seen a cat give itself a bath?  And...  they get into this awkward position...

Go about their business grooming the gentiles genitals...Never mind...Sorry...

Less I digress...

That's where I goofed.  It must have been a day after a party when I'm working with a hangover to create catholick priests.  I think I meant to call them catlicks.  Ooops.  Which leads to another flaw....

I didn't want all you horny toad wanna be gang bangers hanging out it your study chambers doing unspeakable things to children and creating stained glass murals as some sort of twisted headboard notching device.   By design, the human body is not capable of being bent in half to prevent this kind of behavior.  I am in awe of contortionists because they exceed the range motion specifications I built into the human body making the mischief of a do it yourself rim or blow job possible.

Side note:  What if Gene Simmons was a Cirque du Solei contortionist instead of a member of Kiss?

Less I digress...

Normal people are NOT built to do those kinds of deviant behaviors on themselves.  Each other?  Yes.  Themselves?  NO.


But hey, among many other things, I'm a flexible guy, a creative thinker and a problem solver!

Starting today, all those who listed becoming catlick priests on their vocation interest and survey cards will be able to take the same position as the pussy cat shown above.  If the catlick priest wants stimulation from something besides my word, it is now self serve....  Like those new blow-yo fro-yo bars.

Now when you catlicks attend mass, you'll get a real show tailored specifically for the adult crowd.  Hidden cameras will be installed in all study chambers and bragging confession booths.  Since when did mass and counseling sessions become NC-17?  Just wait until Satan has a hand in editing your inservice video promotion and announcement videos.  The outtakes may even make it to the end of the year gagwheel.  Hahahaha.

Peace out perves - J-Dog.

P.S.  Pope Benedict got to see the concept art for my new catlick feature set.  He has requested to have his body retrofitted with this new feature.  He'll be out of the office for a couple of days.  Wait until you see the smile on his face during his next prayer vigil.  Sucker.

Which came first?

Yo Heathens - What up yo?

What came first?  The shovel or the flame?

I was cruising the Hotrod Godrod - remember this?  I still enjoy driving this beast as much as the day I bought it.

So anyway, with my birthday drawing nearer and nearer every day, traffic if absolutely horrible.  Why are you people driving around right now?  You should be contemplating the miracle of my immaculate deception conception.  This little wife's tale is the start of my two part stage production making our little club possible.

Less I digress....

So, I'm trying to get home.  Dudes and dudettes, there is nothing better than driving a car with catlike reflexes doing everything I demand of it.  You people could learn a thing or two from my car...

Less I digress...  part deux...

Back to my story... I'm stuck in this slow moving traffic with limited opportunities to rapidly advance myself...   This traffic was like molasses...

Less I digress... 3x a charm?

Anyway, I see an opportunity in the right hand lane to break out.  I lane change, followed by another lane change to the merge on/off lane.  Finally, the Godrod sings like Handel's famous Messiah chorus..  Whoa.  I gotta get back in the right lane because I don't want to exit...  And I do this the next merge lane/exit, too.  I look up and I realize why traffic is going so slow.  It's a funeral procession.  That explains why they were going so slow with their flashers on.  First, I thought it was a bunch of retards playing follow the leader while driving...

Then I realized something...  Just because these people are transporting a dead body doesn't mean they should make the rest of us to want to go kill someone else.  Jesus Christ....  Oh, wait...  That's me.  Take a back road next time...

Anyway, Less I digress...  If less than four, it's a bore...

I blow up the feeder road and jump out in front of them, waiving my hand outside my sunroof.  See ya, suckers....

Which got me thinking...  Who and why did the mortals decide to dig a hole, drop in a body, cover it up and let it forever rot in the ground?  Seriously? I bet it's something those crazy catholicks came up with to make money while they hittin' the bong.  They're worse than me when it comes to finding money making opportunities...

Then I got to thinking, why not set the body on fire and burn it up cremation style?

Trust me, when you're dead, you're never gonna want or need that tired, worn out vessel you've been carrying your soul in for all these years.  It's used up.  Tattered and torn.  It's garbage.  For what it's worth, I hear dead bodies make a terrific addition to your composting bins....

Less I digress..  Five Alive?

You're done with your body.  Do you think someday you'll be called up and all this rotted compost is gonna come swirling around to re-create your body?  When you die, your soul returns to it's essence of a spiritual energy.  You've had your time on Earth.  Hopefully, you learned something while here...

Less I digress...  Six?  Am I playing tricks?

I'm here to tell you cremation is The Way of the future.  It's quick, easy and doesn't make a mess.  It takes up a lot less space...  Plus, if you're ever in a bind, it makes terrific kitty litter.

Less I digress...  Seven!  Does anything rhyme with 7?

The idea of closure?  What? Put the dead guy in a box, close  the lid and bury it.  Is that your idea of closure?  And have a place to visit like Disneyland or Graceland to mourn your loss?  Really?

Cremation is more like a souvenir.  A precious souvenir from their time here on Earth.  Depending on how big the person was, there could be urns of ash to give to friends or sell on eBay....

Whatever...

You could make mini keychain urns so you can take your loved on with you wherever you go.  Instead of visiting Disneyland, you can take them to Disneyland.

Less I digress...  8!?!?  This is GREAT!

If you're poor, er, I mean economically challenged and living on foodstamps, medicaid and unemployment, instead of bawling an urn, a garbage can works just as well.  You don't really need anything fancy....

Bottom line is this...  When you're gone, you're gone.  Cryogenics is a crock.  Some say you come home to me.  Homecoming in heaven - the best place on Earth.  Space is limited.  One of our friendly sales reps are standing by at your local house of worship for details.  Or, if you're more comfortable you can always call 1800-PAY-4-PRAY.

Less I digress...  9 is fine.  That's what she said...

Back to my original question.  What came first?  The shovel or the flame?  Duh...  the shovel...

Word out - J.E.S.U.S.  and that spells JESUS!

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Is it me or does this guy scare the living daylights out of you?  Man, he gives me the willies....  Ew.

Monks Rock!

Brother and Sisters in Me - I bring you greetings with the sign of the cross as my birthday draws near.  I love this time of year because the world rotates around me.

Did you know the world rotates around me two times a year?  Christmas and Easter.  The folks attending my house those two days are called Cheasters...

Anyway, Less I digress..

Check out this little movie I shot with my GodPhone:



That's me belly laughing and yelling like a crazed hyena...  Less I digress...  again...

How awesome is this?  The monks found a way to sing one of my favorite old-school festival hymns without technically breaking their silence.  They chose this life of stupidity  discipline to do my work...  My question was how they manage to do my work without talking...  Today, my question was answered.  They used their creative gifts and talents to work a miracle...  Isn't that awesome?

What are you doing with the creative gifts and talents I gave you?

Love, The Reason for the Season!

Are you a sinner or a perfect knock off of me?

Heathens - Today, I challenge you.  I challenge you with this daily devotion - take some time to reflect over today's message straight from the Father's mouth.  The buck stops here, yo.

You are not evil sinners or perfect imitations of me.  I made you knowing you were flawed, sometimes fatally so.  The thing I find interesting about you mortals is this - you let the world dictate your identity.  Saint or sinner.  Sane or crazy.  Hero, villain or victim.  Good parent or loving child.  You treat others the way I treat you - both the good and the bad.

To tell you the truth, I don't care about any of that.  I accept you for who you are - why wouldn't I?  I created you - I made you from nothing.  I poured my heart and soul into your being. If you don't like something about yourself, do something to change it.  See - if I gave you my all, I acknowledge my flaws for they are in you.

Did you hear me?  My flaws are in you.

Doesn't that blow your mind?

Less I digress...

I accept you as you are because I accept me for who I am.  Save yourselves lots of money and years of therapy to discover your problems other's have used to label you.

Use your money for something more important - I still have slots available in my Heaven time share program.  My staff and I are as committed as ever to keeping Heaven the best place on Earth.  Jesus Inc. has tons of wonderful products to enhance your relationship with me.  I have a birthday special going on right now...  All puppets are half off.  Get it?  They're just torsos...

For the little one's, we just launched finger puppets...



Please don't take advantage of any five finger discounts.

Less I digress...  Again....

My motto is this:  Come as you are or don't come at all.  Seriously.  Everyone is welcome in my house - I have tons of them all over the world.  There's a location near you.

Decide for yourself.

While you're at it...  Be yourself and love yourself.  Trust me.  It's good for the soul.  I should know, I  do it each and every day.

Your friend and life coach -

Jesus Christ
The only son of God
Founder and CEO, Jesus Inc.

PS - And, there's one more thing.  Don't believe all the crap written in the bible about me judging you.  It was written by your fellow mortals to control you and shape you into perfect little rectangles in a multitude of sizes and colors.  Just like Legos.  Why?  To turn you into just another brick in the wall.

PPS - Do you know what I find to be most sad?  "They've" been feeding you crap for over 2000 years.  What's worse?  You've been eating it.

PPSS - Why go out and eat a burger when you can stay home and have a steak? My point exactly....

Love, J-Dawg the Hot Dog!

Celebrity Deaths

Hello Mortals - You know what I look forward to?  The next time I decide to take one of your celebrities from their life on Earth and put them in purgatory for a couple days.  What gets me is these people are just people I put on this planet to entertain you.  You make the choice to put them on a pedestal and worship them.  Sometimes you put them above me.  While I'm not exactly thrilled with this,  it's one of the many flaws I gave you when constructing your personalities...  Of course, I forgive these sins of worshiping others above me - it's what I do.

Less I digress...

Have you noticed how celebrities die in groups of three.  Like triplets?  Do you know why that happens?  Because me and Satan are having game night.  When we play tic-tac-toe and I win, three people die.  One for each x in the winning line.  Why do I always play x?  Because back in the day, an x stood for a kiss; make that the kiss of death.  You know, people would kiss a piece of paper on the x.  In contemporary times, the x marks the place on a legal document where one's signature is required to execute the document or hold one accountable to the agreement contained therein.  Plus, X always marks the spot.

Notice how there are these long drought without a celebrity being called home?  It could be for a couple reasons...  Satan and I keep ending with a draw - often times this is the case - both of us have been playing tic-tac-toe for a very long time and one of us has to be playing less than our a game to arrive with a winner.  Keep in mind we're as old as time - and we've been playing cheap parlor games at least that long....  Sometimes one of us is out for business meetings or vacation.  Sometimes I'm mad at him and don't let him come over for game night - he can be a butt.

You know what else I like?  The media attention.  I love to see funeral processions on television.  It's like a parade - and I LOVE a parade.  I enjoy seeing all the gifts of flowers, the notes taped to fences, the tears being shed.  My personal favorite is the "We will always remember" home made posters.  If you mortals really want to score points with me, use florescent colors and big balloon letters with glitter.  I have a fetish for shiny things that I can read from way up high.


Less I digress again...

So...  I haven't had anyone get killed in a skiing accident since Sonny (from Sonny and Cher).  I think I'll pluck one that way...  Death by natural cause is a perennial favorite - I usually reserve that one for crusty politicians.  And finally - how about something catastrophic like a shooting or stabbing?  I think I'll skip that one.  Last time i did that, we got stuck hearing about John Lennon for like ever...  Shootings and stabbings make for great heros and recovery story.  Those always restore a sense of triumph to the collective human spirit.

Let me think...  Ahhah!  I got it!  Time to try something new...  How about a suicide while in celebrity rehab?  Hey Lohan - knock knock knock...  It's me at your door - time's a tickin'...

Your twisted savior - J-Dawg.

PS - Happy Birthday to ghost writer.  He turned 40 today.  I love you man....

Black Friday

Hello Sheep - Wha's up?  Man, I am stuffed from all that turkey.  It's like a turkey coma.   Mary came over and we ate some birds.  Then we had some bees.  Mmmm....  Like honey.  After we got done eating, Mary wanted to look at the Black Friday ads.  I'm like, "No, woman.  None of that."  She looks at me and she says, "Who do you think you are talking to me that way?"  I reply, "I'm your Daddy."  "Excuse me!", she says with some of that 'ethnic' attitude.  Oh Lord.

All these store making a profit in anticipation of Christ-mass.  Door busters...  Dust busters...  Dave and Busters... Butt busters... Hungr busters...

Zzzzzzz.....

The Pope's Condom?!?!

Faithful - I don't quite know what to say.  Pope Benedictus stated condoms are okay to use and a first step towards morality.  Okay...  And what, not using a condom is a first step towards mortality?
  Whateva...

It has come to my attention the catholic franchisees will start distributing condoms.  With Benny's face on the wrapper.  See here:

If this isn't a killjoy to spending quality time with your special friend, I don't know what is.  This haunting image is enough to instantly turn a grape into a raisin.  A plum to a prune.  Beef into jerky.  Wine to water.  It shrinks cotton - you get the idea.

Less I digress...

This got me thinking.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying the intimate companionship with the object of your affection.  Some practice solo, others practice in a small (or large) group setting.  However, the most common way to enjoy intimacy is with a partner.

Once again, I feel the need to remind the catholicks there is nothing wrong with an orgasm.  It is my gift to you.  How can something that feels so good be bad?  It's like sex for the brain.  Wait...  It is sex for the brain... and the body...  Well, never mind...

And do you think I really intended you to have sex make love with only one person?  At a time?  I want to you to make love to me..  On Sunday....  Just like Mary Magdalene does.  She's HOT.  Did I mention that yet?  Why do you think Sinday Sunday is my day?  On the 7th day I rested.  Yeah, that's the ticket.

Less I digress (again)...

Finding a suitable object of your affection is a lot like buying a car.  You gots to go for some test drives.  Just make sure the dealer doesn't come along to watch - and never give them your photo ID.  Multiple makes and models.  Spend some time with them.  See if their performance pleases your senses.  How does it handle?  Do you like the features and special option packages?  Where can the best deal be had?  Do some comparison shopping.  Check consumers reports.  When you turn on your car does it return the favor?   Cadillacs do.

Yo catholicks - please...  enough with the scary man pictures on the wrapper.  Yes, I realize it is only for protection - protection is meant as a temporary fix - like keeping plastic on the furniture so you don't get peter marks or hit a bump and spill during the testing phase...

So, wear  a condom while on a test drive.  When you finally find the one you commit to, peel back the plastic and enjoy.

Love,

Cheesus.

Word up yo?  Ministry is going well.  People are being saved.  They are coming to the Father.  Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) is on a roll.  Got that thing on auto-pilot.  Revenue is pouring in from are various products, including:  Jesus Water, Jesus Mints, JESUS! (kinda like Bingo), Sanctuary!, our Lego figures and sets, etc.  It's just one big life savin' money makin' machine.  My Father would be proud.  Oh, wait...  I am the Father....

I'm getting jazzed about my "Awaken the Giant Within" seminar with Tony Robbins.  It's going to be incredible!

My Hot Girl friend

Yo - Sheep - what up?  Guess what?  My HOT girlfriend is joining us.  It's gonna be awesome.  Mary Magdalene!

Did you ever see that movie "She's out of your League?"  There is this scene were the guys are talking about how a guy and a girl have to be rated close to the same for the relationship to work.  Let me tell you, Mary is a hard perfect 10.  Me...  Yes, I am perfect.  However, I consider my own appearance to be more of a good, strong and solid 7.

So far it works.  Remember, they don't call me captain foot long for nothin.

I'll let Mary tell you more.

Baaaaaah out - Jesus!

Going to see Tony Robbins

Believers - I finally got hooked up to go see Tony in Hawaii.  I figure if I am serious about personal change I should learn from the best in one of the most beautiful places I made.  Hawaii.  As in Hawaii 5-0.  Yeah, that's right.

The personal transformation seminar will be in the next couple weeks.  In the meantime I am going to enjoy some lamb, unleavened bread and some water turned to wine.

Piece out - J-Dawg

Mr. Fix it

I've been cruising the internet for chicks ideas on how to get back into the G-Zone.  You know, everyone seems to have some kind of self help book or support group to participate in.  I'm not interested in any of that.  Then I started to look at some local therapists.  Everytime I read one of their 'philosophy of treatment' self deprecating essays, I go nuts.  Client centric, life skills, communication, self confidence.  Blahblahblahblah.

Less I digress....

I figure if I am serious about change, I should go to the grand-daddy of all personal scam change artists.  Tony Robbins.  If he's good enough for dignitaries, he is good enough for me.

He thinks he's hot snot with that walking on glowing coal thing?  He ain't seen nothing until I show up the resurrection and walk on water tricks.

Maybe I could teach that punk a thing or to.  It could be a reciprocal relationship or a win-win relationship or, maybe even a sinergistic relationship...

I'll try to work out a magic trade.  He can show me his and I'll show him mine.  Wurd.

Been down in the dumps

Just to let everyone know....  I'm not dead.  I'm severely depressed.  All the changes over the last year have turned my world inside out and upside down.  About three months ago, I crashed.  Withdrew into my cave.  Wished people would leave me alone.  Just let me be.

Suddenly, I find membership in my little club on the decline.  I'm not as relevant today as I was yesterday.  The sun is setting on me and my movement?

I think not.

It is time to grab the bull by the horns.  I think I am going on a personal growth journey.