PuOva... PuOva

Man...  So I'm blastin' down the road in the GodRod.  I'm talking flyin'.  It is awesome.  The GodRod was singin' and I wazza zingin'.  See - I was feeling so good after my time with Mary.  We shared a very intimate couple days as we celebrated our love for eachother and made a little boom-boom.  Less I digress...

Back to the story.  It's beautiful day.  The sun is shining.  There's a light breeze from the North.  Traffic is just heavy enough to keep the drive entertaining.  The windows are down.  The sunroof open.  I'm playing the mix-tape Mary made me.  Rockin' Down the Highway is blasting right now.  The car is white.  I'm in black.  The Oakleys are on.  It is great.  Everything is perfectly synched.  The sound of the engine.  The feel of the shifter in my hand as the vibrations from the car travel through my body.  I'm rowing the gears, keeping the engine in the sweet zone.  Dancing through the traffic.   My hair is blowin' in the wind.  I feel great!

I look down at the speed-o and I'm doing 85mph.  I'm feeling GREAT!  "Raise a little Hell" is now playing on the mixtape.  I drummin' on the steering wheel.  (Mary knows me sooo well, it's scary.)  I think to myself, that's all you got?  Sure enough, traffic opens up a bit.  I drop a gear and hit it.  90...  95....  100....  SWEET!  The car is pulling long and strong as the speed increases....  110.  120. 125.  All of a sudden, there's a Kojack with a Kodak parked in the shoulder. He got me.  Damit.  So, I start slowing down and pull over to the right shoulder.  (Last time I pulled into the left should and the cop was upset.)  whatever.

He slowly gets off his bike with his weapon drawn.  I'm like what's going on.  This is a little different than last time.  He yells at me, "Son, What's your name?"  In the meantime, I'm thinkin, who you callin' son?  And he yells again in a very agitated and agressive voice, "What's YOUR NAME SON?"  I yell back, "JESUS CHRIST."  He yells put your hands up.  Good me.  What is going on?  I put my hands up - one is up and sticking out of the sunroof.  The other hand is raised out the window.  This is awkward.

He approaches the car with his gun pointed at me and says, "Gimme your license and insurance."  I'm like, excuse me, sir....  Do you have your cam on?  He says What?  I go DO YOU HAVE YOUR CAM ON?  He's like whats a cam.  I'm like dude, you know your camera so this entire incident is captured on video.  It's for my protection as well as yours.  He looks at me with a WTF look.  I ask him to please turn it on.

He begrudgingly complies.  As requested, I get out my license and insurance, holding it out the window clenched between my pointer and middle finger.  He snaps it out of my hand.  This guy has a huge attitude problem.  He looks at my license and says, "Jesus H. Christ?"  Yeah, that's my name.  What does the H stand for?  Nothing.  It's just an initial.  From New Hope, Pennsylvania  huh?  Yep, that's right again.  You musta been in the talented and gifted program, huh?  Whatever.  Then he asks me where I'm going.  Heaven.  Where's Heaven?  I told him the only way he can find out is if he enrolls in my timeshare program.  He raises an eyebrow.  And says, "son, where is Heaven?"  I hate it when the mortals expect an answer to this question.  I said if I tell you, I'd have to kill you.  Wrong thing to say to the cop....  I look at him and say, "dude, let's get this over with.  Are you gonna give me a ticket, put me in jail or what?

So, here I am finding myself in an awkward position.  I ask him for forgiveness.  I've got a meeting with the Jesus! Inc. bored members.  I'm like if you forgive me, I'll forgive you... I'm saying this with a little devilish grin on my face.  I say seriously.  He looks the GodRod over.  Looks at my license.  Reads the license plate allowed "4 GIVN"  Looks at me.  Looks up at the sky.  Let's out a loud sigh.  Looks back at me and says beat it.  He hands me my license.  I say Bless you my child.

Start up the car again, crank the stereo and Cee Lo Greens F*%CK YOU song starts blasting.

I lowered my head.  I raise my eyes just over the shades...  Give him a cheesy grin with a few little eyebrow raises.  Rev the engine.  Pop the clutch.  Lay some rubber.  I'm gone.

Hahahahaha!

Sucker.

It's good to be god.

Love, Jesus.

J.E.S.U.S.A.

Buy American!