Night Life Pt 1 of 4

Baaaaah..  Word to the sheep.  The executive staff at Jesus! Inc. has come up with another great way to capture the hearts and minds of today's youth and young adults.  During ChristFest we learned our people like to move-it move-it party on the hard side.  I mean par-tay..  I've always talked about featuring the new music with the beat the kids really groove to.  Seriously though - we only have ChristFest once a year?  What about the other 365 days a year?  Or the other 312 days a year if you take out Sundays?  Or the 52 Fridays out of the year?  Why can't my people have fun on Friday and have to request forgiveness on Sunday?  How about night time entertainment in city centers across the world?

Ahah - The same guy who came up with the idea for the exclamation point on the end of Jesus in Jesus! Inc.  I don't know where this guy (whatever his name is) gets his inspiration.  Oh, wait... that's from me.  Less I digress.

So, the executive staff is in the war room trying to grow my little club, my movement and my brand.  What's his face jumps up and shouts "MORTUARY!" "SANCTUARY!"  Do you see he used the exclamation point again.  He's on a roll...  I look over to Iceman and I'm like "Huh?"  Iceman puts his hands up in a puzzled and confused kind of way.

We both look at what's his face and ask for more exclamation explanation.   He shares his vision with us.  Get a load of this:  Sanctuary is his night club concept.  It to look like a church but in the entertainment districts...  All locations will have two above ground levels and a basement.   Do you see where this is going?  The ground level will be purgatory.  The lower level will be hell or heaven.  The top level will be whatever the basement wasn't - duh...

We are conducting another telephone survey to our target demographic to gain insight on how to proceed with purgatory.   I decided the floor and the ceiling on the ground level should be made of glass.  That way everyone who enters gets to see their options when it comes to getting a sample of what's to come based on how they live their lives.  You can go up to heaven or down in hell (or vice versa) - pretty much self explanatory.

Did someone say donuts?

Much love to IceMan for picking me up and taking me to Dunkin Donuts this morning.  He knows how much I love Dunks!  Mmmm.  A note of interest - they had a ton-o-sprinkled donuts today.  It was a rainbow of color - both in frosting and sprinkle colors....  MMMmmmm.... Gooood.

The best part of having donuts since the resurrection?  Being able to eat munchkins because the healing/transformation is complete.

Life is Good!

Plus, it sure beats the alternative.

I got some extras to give to Oprah.  Not like she needs them, but who can resist a fresh donut?  My point exactly.

Love, Jesus.

The End Result

Hello Faithful Ones-

Thank you for your prayers of healing and recovery. I heard every single one of them. Believe me, there were lots if them. My ears are still ringing from all the racket. At any rate, thank you.

The recovery has gone nicely. It's the new me:

There is still a bit of swelling around the eyes.  The doctor tells me it will slowly disappear.  My transformation will be complete.

Rehearsals are beginning for my BIG interview with Oprah.  The rehearsals and prep work drain me as I am still not at 100%.  Dying, ascending, ChristFest and plastic surgery take a lot out of a dude.

Ah...  More news about the Oprah interview as it becomes available.

Love to All - Jesus.

The fraternal brotherhood of the priesthood.

Hey boys...  Here's one for you...

Everyone once in a while, someone catches me when I think no one is watching.  I am bit ashamed to be seen this way.  However, those catholic guys really bug me.  Did you see in the news Benny was stalling taking any action for "the good of the universal church."  Excuse me...  You fools blew that long ago.  You clowns with the robes and funny hats should have thought of the "good of the universal church" before making your franchise a club for boys.

Today's music with the beat the kids love

Hello fan club - what's new?  Have you ever sat down and really listened to Brother Michael W. Smith's (aka Smitty) Worship album?  Man, I love that man and his work.  He ministers having a healthy relationship with me.  The songs and words he uses on the album are so sweet and pure.  To honor Brother Smitty's work, I will be posting some of his inspirational lyrics to our site.  I hope you, too see the purity to his work.  Much Love to All - Jeus

PS - I will add my thoughts in parenthesis - like we're  having a dialogue.  This one is kind of redundant.  Please bear with me....

Todays Song:  Open the Eyes of my Heart


Open the eyes of my heart, Lord (I reveal myself to those who seek)
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You


Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You


To see You high and lifted up (I want to lift you up so you can be your greatest)
Shinin' in the light of Your glory (I want you to shine in the light of YOUR glory)
Pour out Your power and love (Try it yourself, you relationships will improve)
As we sing holy, holy, holy


Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You


Open the eyes of my heart, Lord
Open the eyes of my heart
I want to see You
I want to see You


To see You high and lifted up
Shinin' in the light of Your glory
Pour out Your power and love
As we sing holy, holy, holy


Holy, holy, holy
We cry holy, holy, holy
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to see you


Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
You are holy, holy, holy
I want to see you


Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy
Holy, holy, holy,
I want to see you

The brotherhood of the priesthood

Hey! Hey you. White guy - What are you gonna do with that pop tent
in your pants? Become a priest or something???

Jesus would like to have a 'meeting' to discuss wether or not this
position is right for you. For some reason I think you might want to
look elsewhere for a job. Move along. Next in line, please!

Love, J-Dawg
------
Sent from my mobile device.

Near DeadWood For Sale

Hello Faithful ones and new members -

The franchise church organizations are selling wood from all the crosses made as a visual aid to my suffering and miraculous resurrection - all for you.  See below:

Now that ChristFest is over, we ended up with all this left over lumber.  Great uses include:  wooden cabins (ala Lincoln Logs), fence posts, railroad ties, flower bed borders and the like.  We've got listings on eBay and Craigslist.  Bid now and bid high before it rots.

I think Texas A&M University might want to "buy in bulk."  Rumor has it they will be resurrecting their own little miracle tradition.  The bonfire they lit before playing the University of Texas.  Here's what it looks like before being lit it up with some torch action:

Jesus! Inc (NYSE JSUS) will make screaming deals for bulk purchases.

Shalom - j.e.s.U.S.

***  Just say no to Chinese imports.  All Jesus! Inc products are made in the USA.  That's the very reason we thought it appropriate to move the home offices to New Hope, PA.

Walk on Water?

All right my friends...  I am pleased to announce the launch of a Walk on Water Training Academy.  You too can amaze your friends and neighbors.  Check it out!!!

Whoa Man

Dudes and Dudettes - That was one hellacious party!!!  Thanks to everyone who showed up and celebrated my resurrection from the dead.  How cool was that?  One of the two MAJOR miracles making me and my movement timeless.  I bring hope to the people.  I die and come again.  You can too, only if you accept me as your lord and savior...  You too will live again.  Except, I will be relocating you to Heaven, the best place on Earth.

Just to let everyone know, the last couple days have been very tramatic.  They've killed me.  I have wounds and need an image makeover.  I will be traveling to Beverly Hills to meet with the best plastic surgeon known to man.  Being crucified and returning takes it's toll on the body.  My hands, ankles and head are in dyer need of reconstruction.  Once the procedures are complete, I will be better than new.  Think of it as a restoration project.

Upon my return I will be doing interviews.  A few months ago I mentioned we were negotiating to test the waters for a televised interview process.  I decided I would be doing an interview on the stipulation it would be taped in advance and our legal team at Jesus! Inc. (NYSE JSUS) would screen the edited version before airing to the world and allow us the right to re-edit sections up to the entire interview for content and style.

My image is important.  The way I am seen and the way my message is portrayed is key to continue adding more and more members to our little club.

So...  who did we end up selecting for the interview?  Larry King - Hell no.  Anderson Cooper - cute but no.  Katie Couric - no way - did you see how see botched Sarah Palin's image?  Barbara Walters - no - she's too old and wrinkly.  Her accent drives me absolutely bonkers.  Barb comes off as a phony - she's a plastic.  That says a lot coming from me.

We ended it signing the deal with Oprah Winfrey.  Oprah is the juggernaut for media attention.  Being on her show is part of her farewell tour and part of my resurgence in the world.  It's the passing of the baton - I am her legacy.  Her publicity machine will catapult me, my movement and my message front and center in the minds of most Americans.   Bless Sister Winfrey for taking of the awesome opportunity I bestowed to her.

All that being said, do you really want to know the kicker in the deal?  Satan is a shrewd negotiator and brokered a deal to have Harpo Productions coordinate my care during this difficult time with Dr. Oz and Dr. Palmer.  The team assembled insures my healing and comeback will be a better experience that Michael Jackon's.  I miss that man.

I don't know if my updates will be as frequent while I'm recovering.  I'll do my best - just as I ask of you.  To do you best in the wake of adversity.

I will post pictures once my transformation is complete.

See you soon.

Love, Jesus

ChristFEST is HERE!!!!!!

Rock on Brothers and Sisters.  Christianity is now possible.  First, I was born of the virgin Mary.  Second, I suffered under that pontius pilate dude, was crucified, died and was buried.

On the Third day, I rose again.  

You know what, I'm not coming again.  I'm already here and never left.  I will not be judging the living and the dead.  People, we all make mistakes - even me.  I don't have to live with them or their mistakes.  That's for them to sort out.

Let's forgive one another for our trespasses. Forgive yourself for the things you may have done.

Dream big dreams.   Live life Large.

Since I've risen, let's stop all this non-sense and get this party started!

Forever Yours - Jesus aka Miracle Man!

Holy Saturday

Let's take a moment to talk about what I did for you last night....  I gave my life so you might have life more abundantly.  The Roman guard put this crown of thorns on my head and pressed it in so it would hurt.  I was beat to the verge of death.  I carried a friggin' cross made from a tree through town for everyone to see and laugh about.  Then I was nailed to that cross by my wrists and ankles.    Finally, my side was pierced to drain any and all remaining life from my body.

I took on your sins as my own, giving you a better life.  All I ask is you accept me as your lord and savior, ask for forgiveness of your sins and you get the promise of my movement once you are indoctrinated into our little club.  All the suffering I did for you is quite beautiful when I think about it.  I took one for the team.  I look around today and wonder what I was thinking.

The cross is a symbol of the pain I endured for you.  Someone came up with the idea of making a cross some kind of ornament to be worn and proudly displayed....  All the pain and suffering is an ornament.  I have a problem with that.  The cross isn't some status symbol for people to publicly flash as a badge of honor proving your membership in our club.

The cross is a painful memory of what I did for you.  If you want to know what it is like and have a little reminder or momento of the event, have yourself branded with the sign of the cross like a  cow.  Feel the searing pain as the heat from hell burns the sign of the cross onto your Earthly flesh.  Wear the scar forever as a reminder of the suffering I did for you.  Then and only then can you even begin to understand what I went through all in the name of love for you.  The pain you would feel is a drop in the bucket to the pain I took on for you.

I guess some say the cross is a gift; it's really not - it's a painful memory.

What happened on the cross is a gift.

I was crucified for you.  Wanna know what it was like?  Endure the pain.  Maybe then you'll understand the significance of what I did.

Instead of wearing the cross as some ornamental trophy proclaiming to the world you are a member of my little club, live as I lived.  Forgive those who trespass against you.  Love your neighbor as yourself.  Turn the other cheek.  Do something for someone else because you know it is the right thing to do.  Be a uniter instead of a fighter.  Spread love throughout the world.  Make the world a better place - not just for yourself but for those who follow.

I did it - why don't you?

Love, Jesus

Good Friday?

My Children - Today is known as Good Friday.  Can someone tell me what's good about it?  As far as I'm concerned this is the most difficult day of my life.  The Roman Guards have taken me.  They beat me with a whip having a metal barb attached.  It hurts, a lot.  I weep.  Why Father, Why?  Why is this being done.  Why am I the sacrificial lamb for all humanity?  Crown me the king of kings with a crown of thorns?  Is this some kind of joke?  My movement is being mocked.  Can these people show no mercy?

Nothing is as bad as the cross and what happens on it.  First off, I am beat up, bloody and wearing a the crown of thorns.  I can barely move.  I've been tortured to the brink of death.  Now they expect me to lug this big ol' cross made from a tree through town?  From my carpentry experience, the cross should have been built a little better.  Anyone can cut a tree stump and tie it up with leather bands to make a cross.  It takes a real craftsman to build something functional, sturdy and yet aesthetically pleasing.  Peeling the bark and sanding the wood would be a nice touch, too.  Can't a guy get a break around here?

My body is done.  The cross drops and I collapse on it.  The Roman guards tie me to the cross and put nails through my hands and ankles to secure me to the tree.  The tree is raised.  I weep - it hurts so bad.  I wish I was dead.  Tears are running down my bloodied face.  The salt in the tears makes for excruciating pain on the open wounds.  I hope you people know what I am going through for you.  I let out a yell sounding like a wounded animal.  My flesh is torn, blood is coming out.  This is it, the end.

The guards lower the cross, unfasten me and place me in a stone tomb.  The tomb is sealed.  I am dead.  All...  for... you...

Maunday Thursday - Last Super

Tonight, is the night of the last supper.  Why do I feel like I am in prison and am going to be executed tomorrow?  The invited guests gathered to the big table.  All my apostles are with me:  Peter, Andrew, James, John, Philip, Bartholomew, Matthew, Luke, Simon, Mark and Judas.  I feel like I'm at a roast.  They gave me a crown to wear as I am the King of King's.  We got a real party going on.  Everyone is telling these hilarious stories about my past.  The time I walked on water, healed the lepers, stood up for Mary Magdalene, restored eye sight, washed people's feet because they stink, fed thousands by multiplying the loaves of bread and fish...  the list is going on and on.  We're rolling with laughter.  Up till now, my time on Earth has been filled with many miracles.  I am a legacy and I'm still alive.  Man, life is indeed good.

As usual, whenever we have a party, everyone's getting a buzz on from the wine, before we all drink I tell them, "this is the blood of christ shed for you."    Then, we broke bread.  To them I say, "The body of Christ broken for you."  I eat the bread, drink the wine and tell them to do this in remembrance of me.  The fish is good tonight and the raisin salad is good, too.  I also had the caterer cook up some lamb.  Mmmmm...  Next, we're gonna smoke some medicinal marijuana to take away the anxiety and mellow me out and enjoy the rest of the evening.  Everyone is feeling sooooo good.  We usually end the evening with a song.  The boys are doing an a cappella version of "What a friend we have in Jesus."  This is one wild and crazy party.

Why did Judas kiss me?  Our party must be getting out of control and one of the neighbors called the Roman Guard.  Everyone is leaving.  What's going on.  The Roman Guards blind fold me, cuff and stuff me into their cop car.  This isn't much fun anymore.  I just got kicked out of the car.  I'm at some mountain...  I'm going to climb the mountain and sit in the lovely garden.  


I am so stoned, I am seeing things....  Oh man...  I think I am going to die a brutal death.  Why is this happening to me?  I yell out, "Good God, what is going on?"  I must be having some kind of withdrawal symptoms.  I....  think.... I am.... about.... to... pass.....  out.....

Look what Lego designed for us.  The set is available worldwide starting tomorrow!!!

Just for the skeptics

My children...  At first many of you questioned my infinite wisdom when I proposed having Satan  join Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) into our leadership ranks.   People were literally wondering, "What the hell?"  How could I even think to bring the devil into the inner sanctum of the war room we, at one time, used to plot against him?

If you read below, as with all his other posts, Azazele has clearly shown he is reformed and working for the greater good exclusively with the Jesus! Inc. team.  Satan consistently demonstrates the brilliance I saw in him during our initial meet and greet at the Saints vs. Cards game.  From the first meeting, I sensed a sinergistic partnership would develop.  Once he took me to hell Las Vegas, I was able to appreciate the beauty in his work and  creation.  He understands how to motivate people to do things...

First, let me tell you, I've always had a hard time spelling Azazeel or whatever it is.  Once my trust is earned, a nickname is earned.  In one sense, George Bush and I are the same way.  He has his, "heck of a job, Brownie" thing to live down.   Less I digress....

I phoned Azazel earlier today and spoke over my confusion with his name.  To tell you the truth, I get your names messed up, too - How do you explain that kid praying for uber football skills and ends up being the first chair trombone player in the band?

Anyway, he, like me, enjoys the finer things in the life.  The money, the power - all things feeding the ego.  I am pleased to announce that from here on out, I will refer to Azazeel as IceMan.  Iceman.  Like in TopGun.  As in cool.  As in too cool for school.  After all, to be able to survive in hell, one has to be cold as ice.  Ice Ice Baby.  Iceman - welcome to the club.

We're having this built for ChristFest to honor you, my brother..

Saving the face of Catholicism

Azazel here. Ever since I joined forces with JC, I have made it my sole purpose to fix the problems from within Christianity that might make it harder for us to market ourselves to the masses. I'm talking about the nitty gritty, down and dirty problems that may need a little of my "special abilities" to fix. And I do this because I know that for any good company to look good on the outside, it needs to be perfect on the inside.  Sometimes fixing those problems means doing some unconventional things. So when I went in front of the Jesus Inc. Board a few months ago and told them what I had in mind, well let's just say I made a few heads spin. They all thought I was off my rocker. They thought I was joking. They looked at Jesus to see if he was in on it. But he just sat there, stoic, waiting to see what the Board thought. That's why I like JC. He knows right away what his decision is, he just likes to sit on his opinion and see how the people around him react. That way he knows what angle to use when one or two of them need convincing. Smart man.

So, back to my story. When the Board realized I was not kidding, they sat there, dumbfounded, as I explained. I said to them, of all the problems giving Jesus and Christianity a bad name, what is it? It's not radicals blowing something up in the name of god. People just look at them as wackos. It's not some evangelist TV preacher stealing your money. After Jimmy and Tammy Faye, most people just look at them like caricatures. No problem there. So what is it? Two words. Catholic. Priests. These guys are supposed to be messengers from God himself. So what does that say about God if these supposed celibate priests keep diddling with the altar boy? Hey, I know, that's a harsh statement. But it's true. All the jokes, all the stories, those priests are butchering the image of God. Yeah, yeah, I know not all priests are doing these terrible things. Whatever. What is the saying, one bad apple?

It took me a long time to find a solution for this problem. It wasn't a matter of going Sopranos style and taking out the bad seeds. That may solve an immediate problem, but not the problem as a whole. So how do we solve this issue? How do we stop such a large amount of male priests who can't stop themselves from sexual abusing little boys over and over? For that, you have to look at what a priest gives up to become that priest. Priests have given themselves to God. They have made a vow of celibacy in most cases and, in a sense, married themselves to the church. That's an extreme choice. So a man turns 20, joins the church, and is expected to go his entire life without enjoying a little fornication? Gese, that's like telling a fat guy he can't have ice cream ever again. I don't care if the guy is diabetic, he is gonna sneak a nibble every now and then.

So here we have a priest, say ten years after joining the church, and he hasn't had sex at all in those 10 years. Let's repeat, he hasn't enjoyed the touch of another human in TEN YEARS. He is surrounded daily by young men, inside the church almost all day, what else is he going to do?. You see what I am getting at? Back in my "bad" devil days, I used to joke with JC that priesthood was like a prison sentence. You spend your life in one building, doing the same thing over and over, and you're only surrounded by men. And what happens in prisons? What is the joke? Don't drop the soap! You see the similarities??

So Azazel, what are you getting at? You spent this whole blog talking about Catholic priests, prisons, and some radical idea you pitched to the Jesus Inc. board. What is your plan?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nullus Pecco. It is the Catholic version of the genius Amish event of Rumspringa.

Rumspringa, in case you don't know, is the time when young Amish men and women are allowed to let loose and enjoy the sins of the world that are not allowed in the Amish community. They party as wild as they want, for a certain period of time, then they make an informed decision to continue living this life of sin, or end Rumspringa and devote their lives to the Amish belief. How awesome is that? For all your life you are raised the Amish way. No technology, community is everything, blah blah blah. Then, BAM, you turn sixteen and you are allowed to drink, curse, smoke, have sex, play a video game, eat after midnight. Everything that makes youth so much damn fun. Then you get to make a choice on what to do with the rest of your life. Continue the path your parents taught you, or say to hell with them and go out into the world.
Why not give Catholic priests the same option? And thus begins Nullus Pecco, Latin for "no sin." Once a priest has given himself to the cloth for ten years, he enters a period of Nullus Pecco. He will then be allowed to do whatever his heart desires and the church will not frown upon it. Each year Nullus Pecco will begin with a huge convention/rave at an undisclosed location and spread out from there. After a period of seven days (for poetic reasons of course), all the priests partaking in Nullus Pecco will then make a choice. Continue this period of sinless living or go back to the church, healthy with their choice to devote their lives to God. With this event, we are allowing the "diabetic" to eat his "candy" without fear of losing an eye.

So there you have it. Nullus Pecco. The first event will happen sometime in the coming month of April at undisclosed locations all over the world. And since this is the first time, all priests that have served for at least ten years will be attending. Even the Pope himself will be allowed to attend. Yours truly will be there to monitor the events and to report back to the big guy. And if my calculations are right, by the month of May, Catholicism as a whole will be back on the right path and spreading the word of God without the judging eye of society looking upon them. 

I cannot wait

My Facebook Page.

Hello Children - Did you know FaceBook won't let me have my own page?  When I apply with my legal name, they give me some kind of error message and ask me to contact them directly for identity verification.  I don't think so.  As ruler of the universe, I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone unless I want to....  Their loss.

So, ghost writer lets me peruse facebook with his account - some of you people are completely bonkers.  But, you know what?  I still love you.  Anyways... Apparently, the mortals go through and periodically cleanse their friends list.  Sister Gloria posted something profound - "You know your day really sucks when God unfriends you."  Fear not - if I can't friend my people to begin with, how can I unfriend them?  You are in control of your relationship with me.  I am and always will be here for you.

Some members of the club paint me out to be this mean, vengeful and angry man.  Really?  If that was the case, you would be raised by an emotional and/or physically abusive parent and would need years of therapy to make amends with me and your childhood.  I love you.  I only want what's best for you.  Like any parent, I do the best I can with what I've got.

But, if I did have a facebook page, just imagine the tormenting I could do by randomly unfriending people from my existence.  It would be devastating to them.  Satan and I would get a good laugh doing all the tormenting but that would hurt my children.  I will always care for you and love you - no matter how tempting it is to have a little fun at your expense.

At this time, we're gonna pass the bucket.  Give what you want, not what you can even if you can't.  Your financial gifts go a long way to buying off the victims of the fraternal order of the priesthood.  I'll bless you as you give. ->Cue music<-

Love, Jesus.

As Donald Trump Says...

"YOU'RE FIRED."  I was driving around again today.  You simply would not believe what I saw...  A sign for Immanuel Lutheran Church.  Guess what the sign said?

"Easter Bunny Pictures and Egg Hunt"  This completely validates my point and reasons for going with the new "ChristFest" name.  It's time to abandon the entire Easter thing.  If a church is advertising for photos with the easter bunny...  I don't know what to say...  A church?

I always knew the Lutherans were a screwed up breed.  This confirms it.  Well, at least it's not as bad as the catholic church's problem (I hope).

Love, Jeaster Bunny.

PS.  Here is what Easter Bunny Pictures should look like....

Easter Bunny From Hell

It's Palm Sunday!!!

Today is one of the last big hoo-rah parties before the Roman Guards kill me.  So whatya say?  Let's make it a good one.

Back in the day, I rode to Jerusalem on a donkey.  My fans would wave palm branches as I rode by.  People would be singing jubilant anthems.  Then my followers would hand out crosses made from palm stalks to take home as a souvenir - they would wear them for a couple days and then use them as book marks in their bibles or decorations for their houses and Christmas trees.  Whatever....

Not this time. Instead, we are having a parade.  There will be marching bands, floats, drill teams, the shriners doing cool tricks while driving their little cars, horses, clowns and all kinds of cool things.  Maybe we'll even sell balloons.  I will be the Grand Marshall.  I am going to be sitting on the top of a convertible, yellow Corvette.  Joseph and Mary are the honorary drivers.  On the parade route, we will cruise very slowly as to not strain the people following the 'Vette.  It's a long way to Jerusalem.  The apostles, Mary Magdalen will be riding on floats tossing necklaces of beads, candies and toys like lego sets, dreidels, Noah's Ark play sets and puppets.  As we get closer to the city, I hope to see people waiving their hands and flashing me instead of wasting palm branches.  It's gonna be awesome.  Below is a picture of the car we will use to lead the parade.  Do you like it?

As soon as we reach the end of the route, there will be a red carpet.  I will descend from the Corvette.  The pope and the vatican guards will shield me from all the reporters and cameras as I valiantly stroll down the carpet and enter my old mansion.  Being a celebrity is hard work.  I do my best to control the media and my public image.  One thing I really hate is seeing a picture of me on the cover of the National Enquirer with some made up scandal about me and Mary M. having sex out of wedlock.  They say they have Mary's blue dress, voicemail messages and interviews from people who have seen us together.  Remember late last year when I crashed my Escalade into a tree right in front of my own house?  Less I digress...

I hope to see you there.

Love to all - Jesus

Michael Jackson

I feel sorry for Michael Jackson.  I gave him natural gifts and talent helping him earn the title, "King of Pop."  Unfortunately, most people simple are not prepared for fame, fortune and notoriety.  The associated press were able to get the search warrants unsealed to reveal what was found in Mikey's home.  Yeah, they found drug vials and anesthesia equipment, yadayadayada...

The discovery I find most disturbing is the tubes and tubes of skin whitener and brightener.   I wish MJ knew and understood that when I created him, I wanted him to be black.  Not white.  I suppose he was pigment confused when he came up with the "Black or White" diddy.

If I wanted him white, I would have used bleached white flour.  Instead I used wheat.  Less I digress...

I wish Michael and I had a closer relationship.  Had we spoke on a frequent basis, I know the situation would have ended different.  We'd all get to see his final concert and not be settling for 'video footage' taken during rehearsals.  HIStory?  I wish we coulda worked together to make OURstory.  It would be beautiful if he accepted me as his Lord and Savior.  If my power was on his side, no one and I mean no one could stand against him (us).  However, due to MJ's polarizing nature we needed to devise a trap door to follow him around.  That way when someone did stand before him, all I'd have to do is push the little button and *poof* they'd be gone.

One thing MJ and I have in common is we are both worth more dead than alive.  He's making more money than ever with sales revenue streaming in from everything... Tabloid stories, cd sales, video sales, movies and the like.

In my situation, I am worth more dead than alive, too.  If it wasn't for me having that dramatic death of the cross selling it as me dying for your sins - where would we be today?  Because of the Jesus! Inc. communications team - I am more relevant today than I was yesterday.

Before ChistFest, I was popular with the underground and counter cultures.  Pretty much regarded as a nutjob by a majority of society.  I die and rise from the dead - that's when my movement really picked up speed.  Sure, watching me walk on water made me the equivalent of David Blaine.  The fish and bread thing made me as popular as Elvis.  The death and resurrection thing -  elevated me to a new level.  I became not only a god, but THE god of all times.  Had I not died, people would still see me as some side show magician doing parlor tricks in public.  Less I digress again...

At the top of his musical career Michael was a sharp dresser.  All the cool sequin outfits, the one handed gloves, etc.   Maybe I could buy two of his gloves on eBay to wear at MyFest ChristFest.  How cool would that be?