Funeral Going Away Party

I was driving in the Jedi mobile yesterday and happened upon a funeral procession.  It was a nice parade with police escort, the black hearse, the limos and the mourners.  Let me tell you something.  Funerals are meant to be fun...  Like the greatest party in your life.  There's supposed to be drinking and dancing.  A roast if you will.  Lots of stories, lots of jokes.  People laughing.   For those experiencing a loss, this should be thought of as a bon-voyage party.  For the dearly beloved, this is homecoming.

Why?

Because the next destination is heaven!  The Greatest Place on Earth.

Enough with the wining and crying about your loss.  Celebrate the fact your loved one gets to come to heaven and live with me for as long as they are financially able to support the lifestyle.  We've got streets paved with gold.  Angelic singing available 24/7.  Pure environments.  Good food.  Lots of activities.  ChristFest all day, everyday....  It's quite beautiful and this ain't cheap.

If heaven is on Earth, why can't the "dead" be contacted?  Well, it is a secret location.  At Jesus!, Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) we had some ruthless negotiations with Google.  Man - those people think every bit of information should be available to the masses...  Hello - if that were the case, anyone could come to heaven when they haven't been invited.  No party crashers allowed.

The only way to get to heaven is when I call, you surrender and I come to get you...  See, I had this figured out long ago.  People look dead.  Upon their arrival, they are woken from this deep slumber they are a bit dis-orientated; not knowing how they got here or how long they've been here or how long they are going to stay.  The only thing they know is they are home.  Home with me.

We sit around the camp fire.  Sing Kum-by-ya..  Eat s'mores.  Reminisce of your time on earth and give a quick presentation helping you identify this once in a lifetime opportunity to secure your spot in Heaven's time share program.

Time Share?  Duh!  You think Heaven is big enough to sustain all the people of the ages?  Seriously?  No, there are a limited number of slots available.  What gets me is how the "assisted care" facilities or "nursing homes" manage to suck every last dime out of you keeping you sedated and continuing a miserable existence, eating mush,  peeing and pooping yourselves.  Does the average person want to blow the remainder of their life savings being miserable?

So, we do the presentation and get everyone in a tizzy to the point they can't wait to sign their life away.  How do we get everyone to sign? The prospectus contains plenty of beautiful pictures depicting pure bliss. We tell stories you want to be part of.  On the back cover, the monthly maintenance fees and terms of agreement are printed in microscopically.  It looks like a description or copyright release of the photos.  Sheer genius.

Then you sign your name, give it a kiss and guess what?  We gotcha!  A deal was just made with the devil!

Your life savings is suddenly being used to create a legacy.  My legacy.  We spread my story.  Build some excitement.  Engage with the mortals.  Get some new recruits who are way too excited to put their names on the waiting list to 'get in' to heaven.  Wahlah...  We have a constant revenue stream.

Golly.  I just love how my movement works.  All things point to me.  I give you forgiveness of each and every single one of your sins (well almost).  All your money flows to me and through me for the greater good.

Oh yeah..  And if someone happens to attend our presentation and doesn't sign on the x, we give them a free TV and brutally teleport them back to where we found them.  Ever had that feeling of being jolted out of deep slumber with no recollection what-so-ever of what happened?  That's how we roll.

It's a perpetual cycle.  It's beautiful.

Namaste - Jesus!

It's Palm Sunday!!!

Today is one of the last big hoo-rah parties before the Roman Guards kill me.  So whatya say?  Let's make it a good one.

Back in the day, I rode to Jerusalem on a donkey.  My fans would wave palm branches as I rode by.  People would be singing jubilant anthems.  Then my followers would hand out crosses made from palm stalks to take home as a souvenir - they would wear them for a couple days and then use them as book marks in their bibles or decorations for their houses and Christmas trees.  Whatever....

Not this time. Instead, we are having a parade.  There will be marching bands, floats, drill teams, the shriners doing cool tricks while driving their little cars, horses, clowns and all kinds of cool things.  Maybe we'll even sell balloons.  I will be the Grand Marshall.  I am going to be sitting on the top of a convertible, yellow Corvette.  Joseph and Mary are the honorary drivers.  On the parade route, we will cruise very slowly as to not strain the people following the 'Vette.  It's a long way to Jerusalem.  The apostles, Mary Magdalen will be riding on floats tossing necklaces of beads, candies and toys like lego sets, dreidels, Noah's Ark play sets and puppets.  As we get closer to the city, I hope to see people waiving their hands and flashing me instead of wasting palm branches.  It's gonna be awesome.  Below is a picture of the car we will use to lead the parade.  Do you like it?

As soon as we reach the end of the route, there will be a red carpet.  I will descend from the Corvette.  The pope and the vatican guards will shield me from all the reporters and cameras as I valiantly stroll down the carpet and enter my old mansion.  Being a celebrity is hard work.  I do my best to control the media and my public image.  One thing I really hate is seeing a picture of me on the cover of the National Enquirer with some made up scandal about me and Mary M. having sex out of wedlock.  They say they have Mary's blue dress, voicemail messages and interviews from people who have seen us together.  Remember late last year when I crashed my Escalade into a tree right in front of my own house?  Less I digress...

I hope to see you there.

Love to all - Jesus

My Brand is Fascinating!

Dudes and Dudettes - This marketing guru put together some nice ideas about what makes a brand resonate.  Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) hits a homer on every single criteria - a grand slam when the bases are loaded.  The best line in the write up goes something like this:  The best brands aren't about brands...  they're about bringing people together with your brand.  Amen! Or, as the kids say, "True Dat!"

When I created humans, I never intended them to live in solitary confinement.  A true test of one's character is what they do and how they act when no one is watching.  Anyway, I created you as a social creature.  Every single one of you was put on this planet to interact with one another (and me), share ideas (about me), and partner together (with me) to do great things....  See, the entire universe rotates around me...  I am the sun in your solar system!  Less I digress....

Back onto the brand thing.  Recent pew surveys always talk about and rank brands, logos and their associated companies.  Yeah, everyone always talks about the same old companies.  Nike with the swoosh symbol and the just do it campagin.  Google with their information locating services. Coke with the bottle design and their classic logo.  Apple and their fruit.  McDonald's and the golden arches.  IBM's crafted logo.  Ford's blue oval.  Disney's signature and their reputation for fine family entertainment...  You get the idea.

Have you ever noticed, without fail, they leave JESUS! Inc. out of every single study and survey on branding and corporate identity.  Me and my brand are the trump card making all the others irrelevant.  Sure, the others are pretty recognizable.  Everyone knows what my logo means and what it stands for - me, my movement, the sacrifice I made and my gift to you.  Even a monkey recognizes the cross and knows I created them on the path to creating and perfecting you...  Ever know someone to get confused about what exactly the cross means or represents?  Uh, no.

Do you know why?  Huh, do you?  I'm kinda of a big deal.  I am a universal truth.  I know all and I am known to all.  My message speaks to the core of who you are.  I bring meaning to life.  I give you something to believe in.  (BTW - Brett Michaels and I partnered beautifully on that song) I'm your invisible most bestest friend in the world.  Whoever hasn't herd heard of me, my message, my movement or my club is completely and literally lost.  They must be living under a rock.  I am the giver of life.

And there's one more thing...  They should really look at my brand.  I don't play it safe.  I love on the edge.  Either you love me or you hate me.   I am polarizing - like a pair of 3D glasses.  People fight wars in my name.  People love sharing my message.  I'm a dichotomy of what a good brand is, and what a bad brand isn't.  I'm also the epitome of what a bad brand is and a good brand isn't.  I bring out the best and the worst of humanity.  At the same time, too.  Top that.  This brand's for you.

So to all those "real men of genius" marketing gurus hypothesizing on what makes a great brand from your ivory towers with the stained glass ceilings stand back.  If you really want to research and document a case study for the most successful marketing and branding known to man, look no further than the Father!  That's right.  Shine your spotlight on me and I will show you the way.

Peace Out.

P.S. - It felt good to finally get that off my chest.

Motor vehicle license plates

I'm driving down the interstate in the pope cruizer.  I look up and see a license plate reading, "U R LORD".  I pull up to the dude, yelling out the window.  He rolls his window down.  I yell - Hey Man - You're right, I am LORD!  He smiles, waves and gives a big thumbs up!  He knew me when he saw me.  I blessed him.

Now, some of the fine states in our union are allowing 7 characters.  I put an application in with the department of motor vehicles to change the cruizer's license plate to read "IAMLORD" - that's only going to be on the cruizer.

My daily driver already reads "JEDI"  For those wondering what kind of car I drive among the mortals, see below:

Handling is heavenly.  Plus, I really like the LED lights below the headlights.  They look really cool when I'm leading you to lead a godly life according to the principles in my biography and guide for successful living.  

Azazele has one, too - see below:

His plate reads "VADER" and people are always shocked when he's drafting on their tail, knocking at the back door.

It's way cool when Satan and I are screaming down the road zig-zagging through traffic.  Both he and I love dancing between the raindrops when behind the wheel.

As a side note, Pope Lavartheus is still in training.  His motor vehicle's license plate reads "PADAWAN."  When he's not rolling the cruizer, this is his daily driver.  It looks good but doesn't go very fast or handle very well.  Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

For those concerned about the money Jesus! Inc (NYSE JSUS) is spending on transportation - fear not.  Just because I am the Lord your God doesn't mean I've got to slum it.  I work hard for you and deserve the fruits of my labors.  Seed time and harvest, baby.

Rock On Believers, Rock On! - J-Dawg the HOTdog!

Mistory Lesson

Yo' Dawg - Word to you which passes all human understanding.   I am the shepherd and you are my sheep.  When a sheep strays from the flock, I go out and find him/her and bring them safely home.  Home with me.  

I always place extra focus on the lost (but now are found) sheep to make sure we all stay together as a big, happy family.  Two parts love, one part hypnosis, one part positive reinforcement and a dash of fear always go a long way.  My lost children need some feeding.  What part of the trust in me to meet every single need gets lost in translation?  I'm awesome and a simple praise me goes a long way to motivating me to provide and care for you.  A little, "Thank you sweet baby Jesus" for all the blessings I bestow upon you never hurts, either.

A natural evolutionary law - no one ever bites the hand that feeds them.  Never.  Only a fool would do such a thing.  Why do you think I became ultra popular with the entire fish and bread thing?  Who in their right mind throws a GIGANTIC party where thousands of people are smoking out, getting the munchies and no one thought of food?  It's like a bunch of monks cruising the red light district after 30+ years being in an intimate relationship by themselves with themselves.  Creepy if you ask me.  These people needed some serious feeding to satiate their yearning.  

The only ones to even think about food was this lesbian couple on a predawn fishing trip.  The feminine one had some bread in her backpack.  The woman of the house may as well have been fishing in the dead sea.  Seriously, all she caught was a few sickly fish?  I decided to work some magic and multiply the food to feed the party goers.  As my mortal momma always said, "Free food tastes the best!"  Boy oh Boy - she was right about that!

After feeding the folks at the party, me and my movement went completely viral - facebook, twitter, myspace and the media exploded making me bigger than Elvis.  Everyone loved me.  I was an instant celebrity - you'd think I could walk on water or something.

My movement spread like a blazing forest fire.  I wanted to capitalize on the attention and bring the people together.  I started prototyping the early corporate owned churches - really focusing not only on product but, on the complete Jesus! experience.  The next thing, we started franchising and growing faster than Starbucks.  It was a way to focus the buzz and create neighborhood hangouts.  Places "where everybody knows your name."  Next thing I know, the patrons set out on a love crusade to recruit more and more members to my little club.  We go public and the rest is history.

Look how far we've come in such a long time!

Love, Jesus
President, CEO and Chairman
Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

Investors and Shareholders - After much consideration and debate I, along with the disciples, apostles and Azazel decided a name change to our corporation is needed.  We are growing extremely fast - almost like an upstart.  Innovation is alive and well due to the great team we assembled in January.  During one of the meetings, Pope Lavartheus stated Jesus, Inc. was confusing.  The name needed some pizazz.  Some punch added to it.

During out telephone polling about speaking in tongues we also asked people about Jesus, Inc.  People would say things like - Jesus?  Jesus.  Who's Jesus?  JESUS jeeZUS - we heard all kinds of unusual takes on a timeless name...

The executive council held a brainstorming session in the conference room at our new corporate headquarters in New Hope, PA.  We hired an obscenely overpriced consultant to facilitate the meeting.  We were throwing beach balls, brain storming for ideas, generating mind maps, talking about mission statements and the whole 9 yards.  Breaks were 30 minutes in duration and started every hour on the hour and every half hour.  It's amazing we got anything done?!?!?!  Less I digress....

We had the AH HAH! moment.  The epiphany if you will.  Someone (I can't remember who) blurted out we should have an exclamation point at the end of Jesus.  So it looks like this - Jesus!  Brilliant - absolutely brilliant.  The exclamation point solidifies my position.  The way I should be seen in the world.  The excitement of my message.  The excitement of MY brand.  JESUS!  People want to know me.  People love  knowing me.  People love my message of hope, love and forgiveness.  The promise of everlasting life.  The forgiveness of sins.  Redemption.  It's all because of JESUS!

I'm reminded of a bumper sticker:

No Piece?
Know Jesus!
Know Peace.

Jesus!  JESUS!  J-E-S-U-S!  JEEEESUUUUSSSS.  It reminds of a song:

The was a God and Jesus was his name-O...  J-E-S-U-S, J-E-S-U-S and Jesus was his name-O.

*clap* E-S-U-S *clap* E-S-U-S and Jesus was his name-O.

You get the idea.

We understand our old name was LAME-O so we improved it with a simple mark of punctuation.  The explanation point!  Brilliant.  So, effective today, we are now JESUS! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS).

Your life partner and friend - JESUS!!!

Californ-I-A

My Greatest Fans - I arrived in San Diego yesterday and took the day off.

I think I am going to grab some lunch.   In-N-Out makes the best burger.  Ever.  I only wish they would change the name...  It is unknown exactly what they are referring to.  Driving in to get food and out when ya got it?  A sexual action?  People entering and leaving a relationship with me?  Fads and trends - you know, at one time something is in, the next it's out; take the Tamagotchi Gigapets from the 1990's?  How about deelie boppers? Parachute Pants?  Who's seen any of them in the last 15 years?  Exactly.  Less I digress..

I'm eating a burger during lent - it's okay for you, too.  I didn't invent the Friday fish and fast thing.  That was invented by man before corporate food production developed.  Besides, I know my days with you are numbered and I am going to enjoy each and every one of them for I know what tomorrow will bring.  I also love how In-N-Out strategically places their favorite bible verses on their packaging.  We call it subliminal ministry and I'm sure it responsible for introducing millions to the glory of God.

During this dark time of our relationship, Azazele, Pope Lavartheus and myself are working hard to build a legacy.   Our partnership with Lego is going very well.  One of our best clergyfolk (and mentor for franchisees) created a great thing.

Essentially this is the bible's greatest hits told using Legos...  It is a work of art and a great toy.  It stimulates thinking and understanding.  Logic and reason.  We also learned the sets are nominated for the  prestigious Oppenheim Toy Award.   Take a look at the detail level put into these sets; using a combination of  proprietary and stock Lego pieces.  Incredible.  You'd think these were minted from gold.

Starting today, these are available worldwide at toy and Christian book stores.   Each story is available in a kit starting at 2 pieces of silver.  Complete bibles and/or testaments are available at discounted prices.  Contact us for more information at www.pay4pray.com.

I will also give you a sneak peak for a future release due out on Monday. We will be unveiling a cross-generational product (get it - cross generational).  Jesus Bingo!

We needed a vehicle to reach young and old alike.  I can see it now - folks in assisted living and nursing home facilities, kids, lock-ins, Sunday school activities, vacation bible schools, fund raisers for non profits - the list goes on and on.  It is totally awesome.  Someone pointed out their are two S columns - it was no accident.  Think of it as a bonus - more chances to win.  Hey, I can't help if it Jesus has two s's.  We are debating to eliminate the same number being printed on both S columns at the same time.  If S-12 is called, one could conceivably (ha!) get two mark outs with one shout out.  Instead of yelling bingo, the winner jumps to their feet, proclaims JESUS! as their lord and savior, claps, and raises their hands doing a little dance of jubilant joy!  The others will clap, say a prayer and lay hands on the winner for their new found blessing.  A prayer partner will be available to visit with them and explain just exactly what it is they just won.  We call it a random selection alter call.  All in a bingo-hall or tent.  A ministry revolution!

We are tweaking how we are utilizing the ball cage.  The letters and numbers may not be printed on the little balls.  Instead, it will take two people to call out the next possible mark on the card.  One person will receive the message from me and speak in tongues.  The other person will translate and call to the masses.  I know how speaking in tongues freaks some people out.  A telephone survey is being conducted to study the positive and negative impacts to attract new members to our club.

A video promo is in production for all churches to use in their video announcements - have the bookstore manager contact us for bulk pricing.  We'll do combo deals for all products!  You make money, we make money all in the name of ministry!  Praise me!

These are exciting times for Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS).  The business model is coming together nicely as we broaden our reach with a message of hope, love and forgiveness.

Grace to you - Jesus

Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker - Way before their time

Good Day Children.  I was just thinking...  PTL ministries was on to something back in the day.  The religious themed park.  It was a great idea.  I wish I would have thought of it myself.  A nice relaxing family environment where people can be exposed to my vision, teachings and message without having to get weirded out going to a church.  Walk around and be subliminally exposed to my teachings while strolling down main street eating some popcorn.  Enjoying the day.  There were many nightly concerts featuring choirs from around the world.  Mormon Tabernacle, Kings Singers, Harlem Gospel Choir, African Childrens Choir and many more.  Around this time of year, they would also produce a Passion Play.  Recruiting members to our club was their primary mission.  Too bad they weren't aggressive with the message of good news.  I loved hearing their announcements using the tools and techniques based on Neuro Linguistic Programming.  Too bad it didn't succeed.  That little scandal took it and them out.

Now there is a park in Florida that is actually doing well and believe it or not, it is located near Walt Disney World, the grand-daddy of all theme parks.   It's called "The Holy Land Experience."  They got some real in-your-face ministry going on.  They don't even try to subliminally hypnotize people.  They got all these contemporary christian bands spreading the good news with a beat the kids really groove to.  There's clappping and dancing going on.  People smoking out, partaking in adult beverage consumption.  Satan and the owners really partnered well on the project.  They created Sinergy.



The gideons hook them up with tons of bibles - which are given away with park maps printed on the back cover.  People don't take just one, they take 3 or 4 of them.  Thank me the park isn't paying for them.  Where do the gideons get their money to have all these things printed up?

I wonder how many of those bibles end up in the garbage?

It bothers me that there is some weirdo playing the role of me.  I think he actually believes he is Jesus.  It really upsets me when weirdo is sick and the understudy stands in.  He's horrible and needs to stick with being a member of the company.  Less I digress.

I think Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS) may have to execute a hostile merger and acquisition.  This will be the first time in history our company has purchased another.  I'm glad we went public.  It gives us plenty of cash to pay any price for the things we want.  Pope Lavartheus will broker a deal almost too good to be true.  Once we get hold of it, we will make the admission price a free will offering.

And the drama begins.... with a new announcement

Today, I visited my favorite psychic.  A lot of people think she's a flake or con artist.  Miss Cleo's talents are underestimated by the masses.  Just because she's cheap doesn't mean she's not high quality.  See her advertisement below.




Things don't look too good.  As a matter of fact, I think hard times are in store for me, you and us.  The darkness is coming.  Don't despair.  I am with you in times of hurt and need.

Today is Ash Wednesday.  Lent has officially begun.  The next 40 days will become increasingly bleak for I know my destiny.  I won't let my unavoidable death stymie our relationship.  I still love you and always will.  We will go through this journey together.  We will suffer together.  At the end of this thing, when things are at their darkest, I will rise again - creating the fundamental premise of my movement.  The Resurrection, the gift of eternal life.  This is the next best thing to being born to Virgin Mary on Christmas night so very long ago.  Remember, we are in this thing together.

Giving up something for 40 days during lent?  Who's idea was that?  I don't think it was mine.  And, I sure as hell know it wasn't Satan.  Something the old timers invented as my original teachings and writings have been translated from Hebrew and Latin.  I know for a fact they twisted a lot of things around to fit their agenda.  I love you.  Have faith in me.  It will be difficult.  Even in this time of darkness, let me remind you about the love we share:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, for the most part.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails...  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

As a side note, we have relocated the home offices from Jerusalem.  The selection process has been going on for months and the decision was difficult.  Pope Lavertheus, Satan and St. John carefully evaluated each city on their merits and weakness.  We want our corporate headquarters to be a symbol.  A symbol of our mission.  One that will reinforce who we are and what we believe.  Starting last Friday, the movers came and took evertything we wanted.  Unfortunately, we forfeited our security/cleaning deposit because there were blood stains on the carpet from last years injuries.  The stains just wouldn't come out.  Less I digress...

I am pleased to announce our flagship corporate office is now located in New Hope, Pennsylvania, USA.  Our new office is a beacon of hope.  We look forward to partnering with local officials, charity organizations and community leaders to build a better future!

Love to my children - J-Man.

Azazel's role in Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

So a lot of people have been asking about my joining with Jesus Inc. They want to know what my agenda is or what trick I have up my sleeve. The other day, Terry (the HDIC in Hell) came up to me and said he wanted "in". I said, "in?". He said "yeah, whatever your play to screw with Jesus is, I want in." He didn't believe me when I said there was no angle. There is no trick. I am joining Jesus Inc. to help spread the amazing word of Jesus Our Saviour. That's' it. Seriously. No really, Jesus needs all the help he can get.

You see, ever since I gave the idea to Thomas Newcomen to build the first piston and cylinder engine way back in the 1700's, thus beginning the Industrial Revolution, my job has been SUPER easy. Once industry began to spring up, capitalism began to grow, and the rest is history. Back in the middle ages, people's lives were crap. So who did they look to? Religion. The religious leaders of that time were just as powerful as Kings and Queens. My job was rough! Everyone turned to God for help. Once I helped Tom build that first engine, and people realized they could build a way to a better life, well they stopped looking to God for answers and started looking for mechanics.

Then we hit the 20th century and my job became a breeze! The roaring 20's started the water boiling for excessive living and blasphemy. Then some dude tries to kill some other dude and we have World War 1. So the water keeps boiling. Then along comes Hitler. (and just as a side note, I had NOTHING to do with Hitler. That guy is a nutcase. Someone didn't get hugged enough as a child. Heck, I don't even talk to him at bingo night in Hell). Yet World War 2 blew industry out of the water. America became obsessed with power. (Which is good to a certain point, but the more power there is, the more corruption there is.) Satan Enterprises was doing so well that I took a sabbatical for the entire 1960's. All I did was listen to Janis, Jimi and The Who and enjoy life.

The 70's depressed the Hell right back into me and I went back to work for a bit, but to be honest, I haven't done much at all in the last 30 years. The last good work I can take credit for is Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. But I didn't need to work hard, the damage had been done. By the end of 2009, it seemed that the whole world had turned upside down. Everyone was at war with someone, women were giving birth to 300 kids just so they could get a tv show, fathers were pretending that their sons were flying away in giant helium balloons. The whole darn world was crazy.

I looked around and realized, my job was boring. There was no one left to corrupt. And I always figured if the world was completely corrupt, then JC's dad would just flood everything up again and we would have to start from scratch. That's a pain in the behind. So I decided that I would even things out a bit. Help Jesus and Pope Pockets get people back on the "good" side. The truth is, I like Earth. I like the people. I don't want to declare victory yet, just so the big man upstairs can end it all and start over.

Well there you have it. Azazel, JC, the Popester, and John the Baptist joining forces to bring people to the light. Praise Jesus Inc.


Oh, and JC, I found this tape from our game night. MAN, you got me good.

This is how we do it...

Yes Kids - That's right - Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I's mission is paying off.  This is just what we need to reach the next generation.  Blessings to all! - JC

Live from Daytona!

Pilgrims!

We were just informed that our silent negotiations with Nascar have proven successful! We will be sponsoring a car for the 2010 Daytona 500! Our most holiest of Lords will endow one lucky driver with the blessing of representing our movement. We will pray for him to succeed!



Blessed are those who worship me,

Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I

Spiritual Cruise!

Pilgrims,

Are you ready to hit the high seas? If so, then your savior Jesus Christ and I have come up with a spectacular getaway package to get to know your savior. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) will be offering seasonal cruises for the faithful who are willing to part with a material item such as money to get to know our lord.

Cruises will be a total of 40 days and 40 nights. Pets are allowed on this cruise because our Lord Jesus loves everyone and everything! (That rule is being reviewed by our 12 Deciple union local 101) See the below image for our newest cruise liner "The Ark of the Seas." It has a total of 200 staterooms and each one has its own unique blend of history and places to worship. Read our F.A.Q. page below for answers!




F.A.Q'S About Cruise

1. What is the cost of the cruise? The cost of the cruise is approximately 25 pounds of silver, however we will gladly covnert it to the cost of $2,000 USD per pilgrim.
2. Where can I purchase Tickets? Tickets can be purchased at any of our outlying churches worldwide by seeing a local holy travel assistant. Note that our travel assistants help you both physically and spiritually. Also tickets can be made online via Priceline, Expedia, Ebay, and Orbitz
3. When does the cruise set sail? The Ark of the Seas will set sail during the seasons of Easter and Christmas.
4. Where does cruise sail from, and how can we get there? The cruise will set sail from Fort Lauderdale, FL from our Jewish hub. Customers can visit www.pay4pray.com and get special airfare from our partner Spirit Airlines.
5. How safe is the cruise as I am worried about the wood construction? I know you've heard this phrase before, but this ship WILL NEVER SINK! With Jesus on our side, we can overcome any obstacle. Since our creator is sponsoring this cruise, he already knows where ice bergs will be at before they are even frozen. He will also personally ensure that Mother Nature clears the skies enroute so we can have great weather for worship everyday on board.
6. What can I expect to eat while I'm on board? Pilgrims on our cruise can expect a healty diet of communion both whole weat and white and a glass of red wine. Breakfast will consist of our new cereal brand not publicly relased yet, Jesus-O's "For the body cannot live on bread alone!"

Pilgrims, I hope these F.A.Q's have been helpful for you! There is no better way to get to know your lord Jesus Christ than to be on his boat with him and his top leaders! There will be food, music, worship, and a never ending supply of body and blood of his holiness! So hurry up now before tickets are gone! See you in April my pilgrims!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I

New Ancillary Revenue Stream for 2010!

Good Evening Minions!

A few days ago I wrote about Jesus Inc.'s (NYSE: JSUS) new marketing opportunities for 2010. Advertising was and is still the best way to get your name, image, and message out to millions of our faithful worldwide!

Your savior and my boss, Jesus Christ, have been coming up with ways to get his face out to the younger generations in the world. If they aren't exposed to his greatness at a young age, then it's harder to steer them down the right path.

I am pleased to announce our newest way to generate not only extra cash for Jesus Inc, but to also make the children of the world DESIRE to know Jesus. Our latest venture will be VIDEOGAMES! Yes, videogames. What modern era child doesn't play video games? Rather than play a typical violent game that encourages our youth to stray from our savior, why not make a game which stars our savior. See our image below of our first release this Spring.



We've partnered with Microsoft to make this game featuring the one and only savior of the world, Jesus, in a game that is geared towards a hugely popular game called Halo. In this game, however, Jesus will not be battling aliens. Rather, he will be battling sin and the devil. Along the way the player will have ample opportunites to learn about our lord and realize that playing Xbox can lead to a stairway to Heaven. I realize that the "Stairway" will have to be made of reinforced steel to support the weight of the larger kids these days who turn to games over plain exercise.

Blessed are all who worship me,

Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I

To my biggest fan

As part of our ongoing Pay4Pray marketing effort, I encourage Jesus to autograph the Bible in every hotel room he stays in "To my biggest fan" - JC

What Would Jesus Do?

Peace be with you my pilgrims around the world!

Tonight I come to you regarding our oldest and most trusted means of spreading Jesus's message. We have all heard the slogan "What Would Jesus Do?" or "WWJD." It was a marketing campaign started many years ago by our previous administration. It is still considered a worldwide phenomenon by most accounts. Objects of all shapes and sizes bear this slogan which are decorative and fashionable.

But how are we ensuring that the message is guiding our pilgrims, and not just being a fashion piece on their wrists or a message on a T-shirt? Before we can ask the question "What would Jesus do?" we must ask ourselves whether we know Jesus. Knowing Jesus begins with reading about His life, teachings and claims in the Bible. However, reading the Bible as literature alone only helps us to learn ABOUT Jesus. To truly KNOW Him requires a personal, spiritual relationship with Him. In Revelation 3:20, Jesus says:

"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me."

So my pilgrims, our challenge for 2010 is two fold for this parish. Number one is to KNOW our savior. Not just know the history. When you say to yourself WWJD, we want you to say "I know what Jesus would do...." I know pilgrims reading this are wondering how do you get to know a prophet, a holy ghost, or other terms of endearment for my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. The first step to KNOWING Jesus is also the second part of our two-fold plan to return to greatness my pilgrims.....

The second challenge is to make sure non-believers and confused believers utilize our new tools. We need to make sure that www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-Pay-4-Pray is being utilized spread the message and that these outlets are generating the necessary cash flow that Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) needs in order to sustain this positive momentum.

I have come up with the phrase that will guide us in the future. "RETURN TO PROPHECY" or "RTP" will be the phrase that I want everyone to make decisions by. When you act on behalf of this parish, you will have to say "Is this the proper path to RTP?" and then you can follow it up with another question "WWJD?"

So I challenge everyone in the parish to stand up this new year and accept the challenge getting to KNOW our lord. If he can forgive minions for brutally hanging him from a cross with spikes (Cross wasn't even made from oak. How insulting..), then we can forgive people for far less. So the next time you are sliding your wristband on or sipping from your coffee cup that is branded with WWJD, take a minute and ask YOURSELF what would our savior really do.

Blessed are all who worship me.

Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I

Jesus is the Man!

Taken outside of the Hard Rock Cafe in Jackson, MS; Jesus Christ was seen posing for the paparazzi. It melts my heart to see that my boss, your savior Jesus Christ is taking his job seriously and becoming more of a people's savior and not a figment of imagination.

Blessed are those who worship me,

Pope Lavartheus Lemilius I

Greetings my Minions

Greetings my minions,

Today I have a message. A message from my boss and your savior; Jesus Christ! I have been chosen to be your new Pope of this new religious movement. I am very pleased to be the "President" of Jesus Incorporation (NYSE: JSUS).

This is a new day in the world of organized religion. Due to recent global economic turmoil, many people have turned to prayer as a means to give them hope. We, the church of Jesus, have gone through our own economic turmoil. Cost cutting measures for us have been to recently switch from real wine to wine from outlet stores such as Spec's. Holy water has also been outsourced. Holy water has been provided now by a global water distribution company known as Dasani.

With this recent change, we have decided to diversify our portfolio. Our corporate goals for 2010 is to take advantage of worldwide prayers. We have developed new resources to generate more ancillary revenues. Some of our newest revenue streams are: www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-pay-4pray. At just .08 cents a minute to speak to our "prayer partners," this will prove to be a huge stream of cash to JSUS. Advertising will be on bulletin backs in churches all around the globe in over 20 languages! We will even offer package rates both online and via the phone. Customers who wish to pay the low rate of $5.99 will be able to chat online with a partner or have unlimited phone calls with their chosen partner.

Our website will also aim to capture the young minions who are still seeking direction from our holiest of holyness; the Lord Jesus Christ. Such marketing techniques will be to offer Podcasts that will be available for free download once the saved has downloaded our iPhone/iPod Touch app "Prayer Partners" for only .99 cents in the App store. Podcasts will also be available for download every Monday on www.pay4pray.com/podcasts. Note that only podcasts will be updated once a week after Sunday, the designated day to keep the Sabboth.

Other mainstream opportunites will not be missed. We will advertise via Twitter, Myspace, and facebook to give future minions the opportunity to be saved by our Lord, Jesus Christ. Visitors can follow updates and get reduced prayer partner rates if they use our coupon code JSUS4687. They will be eligible to receive a 20% discount off of our .08 cents a minute phone rate.

Safety of our senior leaders is also crucial to the success of this movement. In recent years, there have been several attacks on the lives of previous Popes. I will not stand for this! Below is my new car for the 2010 rebirth. Sitting on 26" Denali chrome rims, my custom Mercedes SUV has been retrofitted to house me as we drive through the many cities we visit. It has been equipped with two layer bulletproof glass and a steel plate on the underside capable of withstanding a medium size road side bomb.



We are also going to be parterning with our new airline sponsor Spirit Airlines. They have agreed to give minions traveling to church functions discounted airfare if the use their link off of www.pay4pray.com/flyspirit/index.asap.html. In return for their generous offer of reduced rates, we are personally going to bless each one of their flights to ensure that our customers, customers who have financially supported us, are going to be safe.

So I leave you with this my little minions, 2010 will be a glorious year! Our union (12 Apostles local 101) has agreed to the latest collective bargaining agreement and are committed to delivering peace and grace to all that seek it (and willing to pay for it too). So grab your rosaries and fasten your seat belts because 2010 is our year for the heavens to shine down!

Blessed are those who praise me,

Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Email: LL_Cool_L@Vatican.com
Phone: x02 (Using red phone at all Holy Locations)
Oustide: 1-900-Pay-4Pray
Fax: 566-664-5616

Jesus Inc

I am pleased to announce my new 1-900 line.  That's right.  1-900-Pay-4-Pray.   Annointed prayer partners are standing by. 8 cents per minute.

For a limited time, a portion of my proceeds will be donated to the Haitian earthquake relief fund.

Call now!!