Funeral Going Away Party

I was driving in the Jedi mobile yesterday and happened upon a funeral procession.  It was a nice parade with police escort, the black hearse, the limos and the mourners.  Let me tell you something.  Funerals are meant to be fun...  Like the greatest party in your life.  There's supposed to be drinking and dancing.  A roast if you will.  Lots of stories, lots of jokes.  People laughing.   For those experiencing a loss, this should be thought of as a bon-voyage party.  For the dearly beloved, this is homecoming.

Why?

Because the next destination is heaven!  The Greatest Place on Earth.

Enough with the wining and crying about your loss.  Celebrate the fact your loved one gets to come to heaven and live with me for as long as they are financially able to support the lifestyle.  We've got streets paved with gold.  Angelic singing available 24/7.  Pure environments.  Good food.  Lots of activities.  ChristFest all day, everyday....  It's quite beautiful and this ain't cheap.

If heaven is on Earth, why can't the "dead" be contacted?  Well, it is a secret location.  At Jesus!, Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) we had some ruthless negotiations with Google.  Man - those people think every bit of information should be available to the masses...  Hello - if that were the case, anyone could come to heaven when they haven't been invited.  No party crashers allowed.

The only way to get to heaven is when I call, you surrender and I come to get you...  See, I had this figured out long ago.  People look dead.  Upon their arrival, they are woken from this deep slumber they are a bit dis-orientated; not knowing how they got here or how long they've been here or how long they are going to stay.  The only thing they know is they are home.  Home with me.

We sit around the camp fire.  Sing Kum-by-ya..  Eat s'mores.  Reminisce of your time on earth and give a quick presentation helping you identify this once in a lifetime opportunity to secure your spot in Heaven's time share program.

Time Share?  Duh!  You think Heaven is big enough to sustain all the people of the ages?  Seriously?  No, there are a limited number of slots available.  What gets me is how the "assisted care" facilities or "nursing homes" manage to suck every last dime out of you keeping you sedated and continuing a miserable existence, eating mush,  peeing and pooping yourselves.  Does the average person want to blow the remainder of their life savings being miserable?

So, we do the presentation and get everyone in a tizzy to the point they can't wait to sign their life away.  How do we get everyone to sign? The prospectus contains plenty of beautiful pictures depicting pure bliss. We tell stories you want to be part of.  On the back cover, the monthly maintenance fees and terms of agreement are printed in microscopically.  It looks like a description or copyright release of the photos.  Sheer genius.

Then you sign your name, give it a kiss and guess what?  We gotcha!  A deal was just made with the devil!

Your life savings is suddenly being used to create a legacy.  My legacy.  We spread my story.  Build some excitement.  Engage with the mortals.  Get some new recruits who are way too excited to put their names on the waiting list to 'get in' to heaven.  Wahlah...  We have a constant revenue stream.

Golly.  I just love how my movement works.  All things point to me.  I give you forgiveness of each and every single one of your sins (well almost).  All your money flows to me and through me for the greater good.

Oh yeah..  And if someone happens to attend our presentation and doesn't sign on the x, we give them a free TV and brutally teleport them back to where we found them.  Ever had that feeling of being jolted out of deep slumber with no recollection what-so-ever of what happened?  That's how we roll.

It's a perpetual cycle.  It's beautiful.

Namaste - Jesus!

Look what Lego designed for us.  The set is available worldwide starting tomorrow!!!

ChristFest logistics

Baaaahhh - What up sheep?  I was cruising route 101 in the JEDI machine thinking about my life.  I got more children than any of you - like an entire world full of them....  Musta been gettin' it on back in the day.  Thank me I can heal myself from all those STD's out there.  How would I ever take all of you along with me on a family road trip?  The automakers make all kinds of vehicles to transport groups of people.  Minivans, Suburbans, 15 passenger vans, stretch limos, small busses, big busses, double decker busses, and the like.  Perhaps we could utilize all the aircraft in the world and fly everyone in for the party?  I started to freak out because I don't think it is humanly or divinely possible to make a single vehicle big enough for all of us. 


ChristFest is just around the corner.  How are we all going to get to ChristFest?  A monorail might work.  Everyone could park in a centralized location and take the monorail to my party...  I figure it woud take a couple million trips on the loop.  Logistically, it would be a nightmare to move everyone to and from our party spot.  If Extreme Makeover can build a house in a few days, surely we have time to build a monorail....  Less I digress...


Then I thought we could go global for the party.  I could schedule a resurfacing of the moon and a full moon on the night of the party and shine the sun on it - like a giant disco ball.  The angels would hover the planet and sing song with their angelic voices for all the world to hear - acapella style.  It would be glorious.


As I think about it more, ChristFest is about partying hard - not some kind of celtic woman/man new age wuss fest.  It's about the resurrection of me, the greatest jewish man of all times.  With the angelic chorus, the kids would be missing out on the contemporary music with the hip beat they like to dance to while smoking weed.  I'm gonna stick to the original plan.  


I'm glad I am the ruler of the universe.  For ChristFest I got all the special effects good to go.  The moon as the disco ball, a fog machine is cake and the strobe light will be nonstop lightening - controlling weather is awesome.  Since I am ruler of the world, I control all that stuff on command.  The only elements I am missing are the glow stick and glowing necklace kind of things.  Anyone got any ideas?  The party's  gonna be the shiz.  People will talk about it for like ever.  The annual party for all times!  If things get too out of hand, I'll have to rain on the parade.


Less I digress....


Back to the transportation thing - It's a good thing you come to me instead of vice-versa.  I can't imagine having to bring you to me or with me.  The choice is yours - follow me for your salvation.  Or, be forever lost...  


I'd really like it if we were one big, happy family.  Maybe you guys could carpool or we could set up some kind of convoy like military personnel use - I don't know.  


Whatever, I'm sure the executive staff of JESUS! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) will get it figured out.  They are the best.  No, that's not right.  You are the best.  Never mind, what am I thinking?  I am the best.


Love, Jesus!

My Brand is Fascinating!

Dudes and Dudettes - This marketing guru put together some nice ideas about what makes a brand resonate.  Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) hits a homer on every single criteria - a grand slam when the bases are loaded.  The best line in the write up goes something like this:  The best brands aren't about brands...  they're about bringing people together with your brand.  Amen! Or, as the kids say, "True Dat!"

When I created humans, I never intended them to live in solitary confinement.  A true test of one's character is what they do and how they act when no one is watching.  Anyway, I created you as a social creature.  Every single one of you was put on this planet to interact with one another (and me), share ideas (about me), and partner together (with me) to do great things....  See, the entire universe rotates around me...  I am the sun in your solar system!  Less I digress....

Back onto the brand thing.  Recent pew surveys always talk about and rank brands, logos and their associated companies.  Yeah, everyone always talks about the same old companies.  Nike with the swoosh symbol and the just do it campagin.  Google with their information locating services. Coke with the bottle design and their classic logo.  Apple and their fruit.  McDonald's and the golden arches.  IBM's crafted logo.  Ford's blue oval.  Disney's signature and their reputation for fine family entertainment...  You get the idea.

Have you ever noticed, without fail, they leave JESUS! Inc. out of every single study and survey on branding and corporate identity.  Me and my brand are the trump card making all the others irrelevant.  Sure, the others are pretty recognizable.  Everyone knows what my logo means and what it stands for - me, my movement, the sacrifice I made and my gift to you.  Even a monkey recognizes the cross and knows I created them on the path to creating and perfecting you...  Ever know someone to get confused about what exactly the cross means or represents?  Uh, no.

Do you know why?  Huh, do you?  I'm kinda of a big deal.  I am a universal truth.  I know all and I am known to all.  My message speaks to the core of who you are.  I bring meaning to life.  I give you something to believe in.  (BTW - Brett Michaels and I partnered beautifully on that song) I'm your invisible most bestest friend in the world.  Whoever hasn't herd heard of me, my message, my movement or my club is completely and literally lost.  They must be living under a rock.  I am the giver of life.

And there's one more thing...  They should really look at my brand.  I don't play it safe.  I love on the edge.  Either you love me or you hate me.   I am polarizing - like a pair of 3D glasses.  People fight wars in my name.  People love sharing my message.  I'm a dichotomy of what a good brand is, and what a bad brand isn't.  I'm also the epitome of what a bad brand is and a good brand isn't.  I bring out the best and the worst of humanity.  At the same time, too.  Top that.  This brand's for you.

So to all those "real men of genius" marketing gurus hypothesizing on what makes a great brand from your ivory towers with the stained glass ceilings stand back.  If you really want to research and document a case study for the most successful marketing and branding known to man, look no further than the Father!  That's right.  Shine your spotlight on me and I will show you the way.

Peace Out.

P.S. - It felt good to finally get that off my chest.

Motor vehicle license plates

I'm driving down the interstate in the pope cruizer.  I look up and see a license plate reading, "U R LORD".  I pull up to the dude, yelling out the window.  He rolls his window down.  I yell - Hey Man - You're right, I am LORD!  He smiles, waves and gives a big thumbs up!  He knew me when he saw me.  I blessed him.

Now, some of the fine states in our union are allowing 7 characters.  I put an application in with the department of motor vehicles to change the cruizer's license plate to read "IAMLORD" - that's only going to be on the cruizer.

My daily driver already reads "JEDI"  For those wondering what kind of car I drive among the mortals, see below:

Handling is heavenly.  Plus, I really like the LED lights below the headlights.  They look really cool when I'm leading you to lead a godly life according to the principles in my biography and guide for successful living.  

Azazele has one, too - see below:

His plate reads "VADER" and people are always shocked when he's drafting on their tail, knocking at the back door.

It's way cool when Satan and I are screaming down the road zig-zagging through traffic.  Both he and I love dancing between the raindrops when behind the wheel.

As a side note, Pope Lavartheus is still in training.  His motor vehicle's license plate reads "PADAWAN."  When he's not rolling the cruizer, this is his daily driver.  It looks good but doesn't go very fast or handle very well.  Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

For those concerned about the money Jesus! Inc (NYSE JSUS) is spending on transportation - fear not.  Just because I am the Lord your God doesn't mean I've got to slum it.  I work hard for you and deserve the fruits of my labors.  Seed time and harvest, baby.

Rock On Believers, Rock On! - J-Dawg the HOTdog!

Mistory Lesson

Yo' Dawg - Word to you which passes all human understanding.   I am the shepherd and you are my sheep.  When a sheep strays from the flock, I go out and find him/her and bring them safely home.  Home with me.  

I always place extra focus on the lost (but now are found) sheep to make sure we all stay together as a big, happy family.  Two parts love, one part hypnosis, one part positive reinforcement and a dash of fear always go a long way.  My lost children need some feeding.  What part of the trust in me to meet every single need gets lost in translation?  I'm awesome and a simple praise me goes a long way to motivating me to provide and care for you.  A little, "Thank you sweet baby Jesus" for all the blessings I bestow upon you never hurts, either.

A natural evolutionary law - no one ever bites the hand that feeds them.  Never.  Only a fool would do such a thing.  Why do you think I became ultra popular with the entire fish and bread thing?  Who in their right mind throws a GIGANTIC party where thousands of people are smoking out, getting the munchies and no one thought of food?  It's like a bunch of monks cruising the red light district after 30+ years being in an intimate relationship by themselves with themselves.  Creepy if you ask me.  These people needed some serious feeding to satiate their yearning.  

The only ones to even think about food was this lesbian couple on a predawn fishing trip.  The feminine one had some bread in her backpack.  The woman of the house may as well have been fishing in the dead sea.  Seriously, all she caught was a few sickly fish?  I decided to work some magic and multiply the food to feed the party goers.  As my mortal momma always said, "Free food tastes the best!"  Boy oh Boy - she was right about that!

After feeding the folks at the party, me and my movement went completely viral - facebook, twitter, myspace and the media exploded making me bigger than Elvis.  Everyone loved me.  I was an instant celebrity - you'd think I could walk on water or something.

My movement spread like a blazing forest fire.  I wanted to capitalize on the attention and bring the people together.  I started prototyping the early corporate owned churches - really focusing not only on product but, on the complete Jesus! experience.  The next thing, we started franchising and growing faster than Starbucks.  It was a way to focus the buzz and create neighborhood hangouts.  Places "where everybody knows your name."  Next thing I know, the patrons set out on a love crusade to recruit more and more members to my little club.  We go public and the rest is history.

Look how far we've come in such a long time!

Love, Jesus
President, CEO and Chairman
Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

Californ-I-A

My Greatest Fans - I arrived in San Diego yesterday and took the day off.

I think I am going to grab some lunch.   In-N-Out makes the best burger.  Ever.  I only wish they would change the name...  It is unknown exactly what they are referring to.  Driving in to get food and out when ya got it?  A sexual action?  People entering and leaving a relationship with me?  Fads and trends - you know, at one time something is in, the next it's out; take the Tamagotchi Gigapets from the 1990's?  How about deelie boppers? Parachute Pants?  Who's seen any of them in the last 15 years?  Exactly.  Less I digress..

I'm eating a burger during lent - it's okay for you, too.  I didn't invent the Friday fish and fast thing.  That was invented by man before corporate food production developed.  Besides, I know my days with you are numbered and I am going to enjoy each and every one of them for I know what tomorrow will bring.  I also love how In-N-Out strategically places their favorite bible verses on their packaging.  We call it subliminal ministry and I'm sure it responsible for introducing millions to the glory of God.

During this dark time of our relationship, Azazele, Pope Lavartheus and myself are working hard to build a legacy.   Our partnership with Lego is going very well.  One of our best clergyfolk (and mentor for franchisees) created a great thing.

Essentially this is the bible's greatest hits told using Legos...  It is a work of art and a great toy.  It stimulates thinking and understanding.  Logic and reason.  We also learned the sets are nominated for the  prestigious Oppenheim Toy Award.   Take a look at the detail level put into these sets; using a combination of  proprietary and stock Lego pieces.  Incredible.  You'd think these were minted from gold.

Starting today, these are available worldwide at toy and Christian book stores.   Each story is available in a kit starting at 2 pieces of silver.  Complete bibles and/or testaments are available at discounted prices.  Contact us for more information at www.pay4pray.com.

I will also give you a sneak peak for a future release due out on Monday. We will be unveiling a cross-generational product (get it - cross generational).  Jesus Bingo!

We needed a vehicle to reach young and old alike.  I can see it now - folks in assisted living and nursing home facilities, kids, lock-ins, Sunday school activities, vacation bible schools, fund raisers for non profits - the list goes on and on.  It is totally awesome.  Someone pointed out their are two S columns - it was no accident.  Think of it as a bonus - more chances to win.  Hey, I can't help if it Jesus has two s's.  We are debating to eliminate the same number being printed on both S columns at the same time.  If S-12 is called, one could conceivably (ha!) get two mark outs with one shout out.  Instead of yelling bingo, the winner jumps to their feet, proclaims JESUS! as their lord and savior, claps, and raises their hands doing a little dance of jubilant joy!  The others will clap, say a prayer and lay hands on the winner for their new found blessing.  A prayer partner will be available to visit with them and explain just exactly what it is they just won.  We call it a random selection alter call.  All in a bingo-hall or tent.  A ministry revolution!

We are tweaking how we are utilizing the ball cage.  The letters and numbers may not be printed on the little balls.  Instead, it will take two people to call out the next possible mark on the card.  One person will receive the message from me and speak in tongues.  The other person will translate and call to the masses.  I know how speaking in tongues freaks some people out.  A telephone survey is being conducted to study the positive and negative impacts to attract new members to our club.

A video promo is in production for all churches to use in their video announcements - have the bookstore manager contact us for bulk pricing.  We'll do combo deals for all products!  You make money, we make money all in the name of ministry!  Praise me!

These are exciting times for Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS).  The business model is coming together nicely as we broaden our reach with a message of hope, love and forgiveness.

Grace to you - Jesus

And the drama begins.... with a new announcement

Today, I visited my favorite psychic.  A lot of people think she's a flake or con artist.  Miss Cleo's talents are underestimated by the masses.  Just because she's cheap doesn't mean she's not high quality.  See her advertisement below.




Things don't look too good.  As a matter of fact, I think hard times are in store for me, you and us.  The darkness is coming.  Don't despair.  I am with you in times of hurt and need.

Today is Ash Wednesday.  Lent has officially begun.  The next 40 days will become increasingly bleak for I know my destiny.  I won't let my unavoidable death stymie our relationship.  I still love you and always will.  We will go through this journey together.  We will suffer together.  At the end of this thing, when things are at their darkest, I will rise again - creating the fundamental premise of my movement.  The Resurrection, the gift of eternal life.  This is the next best thing to being born to Virgin Mary on Christmas night so very long ago.  Remember, we are in this thing together.

Giving up something for 40 days during lent?  Who's idea was that?  I don't think it was mine.  And, I sure as hell know it wasn't Satan.  Something the old timers invented as my original teachings and writings have been translated from Hebrew and Latin.  I know for a fact they twisted a lot of things around to fit their agenda.  I love you.  Have faith in me.  It will be difficult.  Even in this time of darkness, let me remind you about the love we share:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, for the most part.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails...  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

As a side note, we have relocated the home offices from Jerusalem.  The selection process has been going on for months and the decision was difficult.  Pope Lavertheus, Satan and St. John carefully evaluated each city on their merits and weakness.  We want our corporate headquarters to be a symbol.  A symbol of our mission.  One that will reinforce who we are and what we believe.  Starting last Friday, the movers came and took evertything we wanted.  Unfortunately, we forfeited our security/cleaning deposit because there were blood stains on the carpet from last years injuries.  The stains just wouldn't come out.  Less I digress...

I am pleased to announce our flagship corporate office is now located in New Hope, Pennsylvania, USA.  Our new office is a beacon of hope.  We look forward to partnering with local officials, charity organizations and community leaders to build a better future!

Love to my children - J-Man.