iPad/Kindle/Nook/Snuggie/Whatever

Are you thirsty for spiritual guidance?  Are you wanting to develop the same intimate relationship with me as I do with you?  Have you picked up my autobiography and guide for successful living?  Are you tired of lugging that big ol' honkin' book around like a monkey on your back?

My book (aka the bible) was never meant to be so long and complicated.  It started out as a simple 300 page self help book with an 'about me' section printed on the back - you know, to build credibility with my minions.  Most of the lessons were taught using short, sweet and to the point parables - similar to those one minute manager books or the chicken soup for the soul series.

You know how history is and how many times the good book has been translated...  Starting with King James, the thing snowballed out of control.  Moving the thing is like having 2 mega-metropolitan phone books (the white and yellow pages) and needing a small, two wheeled dolly to take them anywhere.  My book got wordy and heavy; losing a lot of it's impact - although it makes an impact when dropped.  King James really screwed it up with all the thys, thous, thees and thuses - people couldn't figure out what they were reading.  What was he thinking?  My message is simple.  It shouldn't take a degree in pre-dawn literature to get the main idea.  For crying out loud.  

So, the bible is no longer a portable guide to godly living.  Well, pilgrims - starting on April 3, the e-book version of the good book will be available exclusively on Apple's iPad.  Steve Job called me early last week to negotiate a deal.  The Holy Bible will be available for the first time to be viewed on their beautiful 9.5 inch diagonal, high resolution full color screen.   Versions for the other e-readers will be released simultaneously at exactly midnight.  It's the pre-sale to coincide with ChristFest!  Having a top notch marketing team is quite wonderful.  It's almost like we're Disney making movies and thinking about the happy meal toys we're gonna include in the promotional hoopla during initial art of conception.

BTW, does anyone notice the typo in the cover shot?  It's not "The Book of Jobs."  It's "The Book of Job." and the O is long - as in O J Simpson.  Do these people know who they're dealing with?  I don't wanna have to go postal...  Less I digress.

It's gonna be really cool because the option exists to read any version you want with a simple finger gesture on their touch sensitive screen.  I am thrilled to announce the original 300 page version will be available, too.  I partnered with Salvador Dali and M.C. Escher to update the illustrations for today's modern times.  Books with pictures reach a broader target demographic than those printed in black and white.  The team at Jesus! Inc. is also working to create a new and improved coloring book for the youngins.  I think Chic-Fil-A will be an excellent distribution point for the teasers of the full version.

Check out the detail found in Escher's work to the right.  It'll make the new coloring books more fun and at the same time, more challenging.  Make it too easy and the kids get bored.  Make it too hard and the kids get frustrated.  Either way, todays children (tomorrows adults) will stray from me - and no one wants that to happen.  I think Escher's work strikes that delicate balance perfectly.

Talk about distorting my message?  I figure it was only fair to have pictures from Salvador Dali on the ebook version available with each version.  Imagine his work coupled with each 'translation' of my work?  Sinergy baby!!
 

As you can tell I went with two artists who, like me, keep one leg grounded in the reality of genius and the other in the fantasy of insanity.  Brilliant I say, Brilliant!

The most magical thing about the e-book version?  We've partnered with Apple and AT&T to make it available as a free download to anyone and everyone who asks with an iPad.  I expect my book will stay on the top 10 list for eternity.  If you'd like to share it with a friend, just squirt it.  We licensed Microsoft's squirt technology which debuted on their fumbled Zune a number of years ago.  Talk about a great way to share the good news.

Why the leap to ebook distribution?  It takes few natural resources to print and distribute.  Instead of loading pallets of bibles onto trucks and airplanes, we squirt it around the world.  It feels wonderful knowing I can release my message whenever it feels right without having to resort to aphrodisiacs or medication to alleviate my ED (electronic distribution) challenges.  There's a lot of pent up demand so when it's ready to go, there will be a tsunami of love.  Embrace it.  Take it.  Take ALL 66 books of it.  Take it now.  It feels wonderful, don't it.  When you wanna share, just give it a good squirt and the next person will enjoy it just as much (if not more) as you.  Hopefully it'll be as good for you as it was for me!  Anyone got a cigarette?

The e-readers, also afford the luxury of a moral compass and reference guide to refer to when those trials and tribulations sneak up on you.  All my wisdom is just an arms reach away at any given time.

Isn't technology wonderful?  Hell yeah!

Californ-I-A

My Greatest Fans - I arrived in San Diego yesterday and took the day off.

I think I am going to grab some lunch.   In-N-Out makes the best burger.  Ever.  I only wish they would change the name...  It is unknown exactly what they are referring to.  Driving in to get food and out when ya got it?  A sexual action?  People entering and leaving a relationship with me?  Fads and trends - you know, at one time something is in, the next it's out; take the Tamagotchi Gigapets from the 1990's?  How about deelie boppers? Parachute Pants?  Who's seen any of them in the last 15 years?  Exactly.  Less I digress..

I'm eating a burger during lent - it's okay for you, too.  I didn't invent the Friday fish and fast thing.  That was invented by man before corporate food production developed.  Besides, I know my days with you are numbered and I am going to enjoy each and every one of them for I know what tomorrow will bring.  I also love how In-N-Out strategically places their favorite bible verses on their packaging.  We call it subliminal ministry and I'm sure it responsible for introducing millions to the glory of God.

During this dark time of our relationship, Azazele, Pope Lavartheus and myself are working hard to build a legacy.   Our partnership with Lego is going very well.  One of our best clergyfolk (and mentor for franchisees) created a great thing.

Essentially this is the bible's greatest hits told using Legos...  It is a work of art and a great toy.  It stimulates thinking and understanding.  Logic and reason.  We also learned the sets are nominated for the  prestigious Oppenheim Toy Award.   Take a look at the detail level put into these sets; using a combination of  proprietary and stock Lego pieces.  Incredible.  You'd think these were minted from gold.

Starting today, these are available worldwide at toy and Christian book stores.   Each story is available in a kit starting at 2 pieces of silver.  Complete bibles and/or testaments are available at discounted prices.  Contact us for more information at www.pay4pray.com.

I will also give you a sneak peak for a future release due out on Monday. We will be unveiling a cross-generational product (get it - cross generational).  Jesus Bingo!

We needed a vehicle to reach young and old alike.  I can see it now - folks in assisted living and nursing home facilities, kids, lock-ins, Sunday school activities, vacation bible schools, fund raisers for non profits - the list goes on and on.  It is totally awesome.  Someone pointed out their are two S columns - it was no accident.  Think of it as a bonus - more chances to win.  Hey, I can't help if it Jesus has two s's.  We are debating to eliminate the same number being printed on both S columns at the same time.  If S-12 is called, one could conceivably (ha!) get two mark outs with one shout out.  Instead of yelling bingo, the winner jumps to their feet, proclaims JESUS! as their lord and savior, claps, and raises their hands doing a little dance of jubilant joy!  The others will clap, say a prayer and lay hands on the winner for their new found blessing.  A prayer partner will be available to visit with them and explain just exactly what it is they just won.  We call it a random selection alter call.  All in a bingo-hall or tent.  A ministry revolution!

We are tweaking how we are utilizing the ball cage.  The letters and numbers may not be printed on the little balls.  Instead, it will take two people to call out the next possible mark on the card.  One person will receive the message from me and speak in tongues.  The other person will translate and call to the masses.  I know how speaking in tongues freaks some people out.  A telephone survey is being conducted to study the positive and negative impacts to attract new members to our club.

A video promo is in production for all churches to use in their video announcements - have the bookstore manager contact us for bulk pricing.  We'll do combo deals for all products!  You make money, we make money all in the name of ministry!  Praise me!

These are exciting times for Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS).  The business model is coming together nicely as we broaden our reach with a message of hope, love and forgiveness.

Grace to you - Jesus

Got your Bible?

Seeing how most people only touch their bibles on Sunday, I'd like to give a shout out and thanksgiving to Gideon's International. Their ministry is all about sharing the good news by printing and placing bibles in hotel rooms. The Gideons have placed nearly 1.3 BILLION(that's a lot) bibles in hotel rooms around the world.

Just think - if you ever need to feel my presence and you happen to be away from home, check in to a hotel, look in the nightstand or dresser drawer. I will be with you.  Plus reading my book is a lot better than watching the pay-for-porn channel on the TV.

I am with you always-but it never hurts to have something to wrap your arms around and cudle when you're lonely.

Love to All - Jesus

This is how we do it...

Yes Kids - That's right - Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I's mission is paying off.  This is just what we need to reach the next generation.  Blessings to all! - JC

To my biggest fan

As part of our ongoing Pay4Pray marketing effort, I encourage Jesus to autograph the Bible in every hotel room he stays in "To my biggest fan" - JC