iPad/Kindle/Nook/Snuggie/Whatever

Are you thirsty for spiritual guidance?  Are you wanting to develop the same intimate relationship with me as I do with you?  Have you picked up my autobiography and guide for successful living?  Are you tired of lugging that big ol' honkin' book around like a monkey on your back?

My book (aka the bible) was never meant to be so long and complicated.  It started out as a simple 300 page self help book with an 'about me' section printed on the back - you know, to build credibility with my minions.  Most of the lessons were taught using short, sweet and to the point parables - similar to those one minute manager books or the chicken soup for the soul series.

You know how history is and how many times the good book has been translated...  Starting with King James, the thing snowballed out of control.  Moving the thing is like having 2 mega-metropolitan phone books (the white and yellow pages) and needing a small, two wheeled dolly to take them anywhere.  My book got wordy and heavy; losing a lot of it's impact - although it makes an impact when dropped.  King James really screwed it up with all the thys, thous, thees and thuses - people couldn't figure out what they were reading.  What was he thinking?  My message is simple.  It shouldn't take a degree in pre-dawn literature to get the main idea.  For crying out loud.  

So, the bible is no longer a portable guide to godly living.  Well, pilgrims - starting on April 3, the e-book version of the good book will be available exclusively on Apple's iPad.  Steve Job called me early last week to negotiate a deal.  The Holy Bible will be available for the first time to be viewed on their beautiful 9.5 inch diagonal, high resolution full color screen.   Versions for the other e-readers will be released simultaneously at exactly midnight.  It's the pre-sale to coincide with ChristFest!  Having a top notch marketing team is quite wonderful.  It's almost like we're Disney making movies and thinking about the happy meal toys we're gonna include in the promotional hoopla during initial art of conception.

BTW, does anyone notice the typo in the cover shot?  It's not "The Book of Jobs."  It's "The Book of Job." and the O is long - as in O J Simpson.  Do these people know who they're dealing with?  I don't wanna have to go postal...  Less I digress.

It's gonna be really cool because the option exists to read any version you want with a simple finger gesture on their touch sensitive screen.  I am thrilled to announce the original 300 page version will be available, too.  I partnered with Salvador Dali and M.C. Escher to update the illustrations for today's modern times.  Books with pictures reach a broader target demographic than those printed in black and white.  The team at Jesus! Inc. is also working to create a new and improved coloring book for the youngins.  I think Chic-Fil-A will be an excellent distribution point for the teasers of the full version.

Check out the detail found in Escher's work to the right.  It'll make the new coloring books more fun and at the same time, more challenging.  Make it too easy and the kids get bored.  Make it too hard and the kids get frustrated.  Either way, todays children (tomorrows adults) will stray from me - and no one wants that to happen.  I think Escher's work strikes that delicate balance perfectly.

Talk about distorting my message?  I figure it was only fair to have pictures from Salvador Dali on the ebook version available with each version.  Imagine his work coupled with each 'translation' of my work?  Sinergy baby!!
 

As you can tell I went with two artists who, like me, keep one leg grounded in the reality of genius and the other in the fantasy of insanity.  Brilliant I say, Brilliant!

The most magical thing about the e-book version?  We've partnered with Apple and AT&T to make it available as a free download to anyone and everyone who asks with an iPad.  I expect my book will stay on the top 10 list for eternity.  If you'd like to share it with a friend, just squirt it.  We licensed Microsoft's squirt technology which debuted on their fumbled Zune a number of years ago.  Talk about a great way to share the good news.

Why the leap to ebook distribution?  It takes few natural resources to print and distribute.  Instead of loading pallets of bibles onto trucks and airplanes, we squirt it around the world.  It feels wonderful knowing I can release my message whenever it feels right without having to resort to aphrodisiacs or medication to alleviate my ED (electronic distribution) challenges.  There's a lot of pent up demand so when it's ready to go, there will be a tsunami of love.  Embrace it.  Take it.  Take ALL 66 books of it.  Take it now.  It feels wonderful, don't it.  When you wanna share, just give it a good squirt and the next person will enjoy it just as much (if not more) as you.  Hopefully it'll be as good for you as it was for me!  Anyone got a cigarette?

The e-readers, also afford the luxury of a moral compass and reference guide to refer to when those trials and tribulations sneak up on you.  All my wisdom is just an arms reach away at any given time.

Isn't technology wonderful?  Hell yeah!

Motor vehicle license plates

I'm driving down the interstate in the pope cruizer.  I look up and see a license plate reading, "U R LORD".  I pull up to the dude, yelling out the window.  He rolls his window down.  I yell - Hey Man - You're right, I am LORD!  He smiles, waves and gives a big thumbs up!  He knew me when he saw me.  I blessed him.

Now, some of the fine states in our union are allowing 7 characters.  I put an application in with the department of motor vehicles to change the cruizer's license plate to read "IAMLORD" - that's only going to be on the cruizer.

My daily driver already reads "JEDI"  For those wondering what kind of car I drive among the mortals, see below:

Handling is heavenly.  Plus, I really like the LED lights below the headlights.  They look really cool when I'm leading you to lead a godly life according to the principles in my biography and guide for successful living.  

Azazele has one, too - see below:

His plate reads "VADER" and people are always shocked when he's drafting on their tail, knocking at the back door.

It's way cool when Satan and I are screaming down the road zig-zagging through traffic.  Both he and I love dancing between the raindrops when behind the wheel.

As a side note, Pope Lavartheus is still in training.  His motor vehicle's license plate reads "PADAWAN."  When he's not rolling the cruizer, this is his daily driver.  It looks good but doesn't go very fast or handle very well.  Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

For those concerned about the money Jesus! Inc (NYSE JSUS) is spending on transportation - fear not.  Just because I am the Lord your God doesn't mean I've got to slum it.  I work hard for you and deserve the fruits of my labors.  Seed time and harvest, baby.

Rock On Believers, Rock On! - J-Dawg the HOTdog!

Mistory Lesson

Yo' Dawg - Word to you which passes all human understanding.   I am the shepherd and you are my sheep.  When a sheep strays from the flock, I go out and find him/her and bring them safely home.  Home with me.  

I always place extra focus on the lost (but now are found) sheep to make sure we all stay together as a big, happy family.  Two parts love, one part hypnosis, one part positive reinforcement and a dash of fear always go a long way.  My lost children need some feeding.  What part of the trust in me to meet every single need gets lost in translation?  I'm awesome and a simple praise me goes a long way to motivating me to provide and care for you.  A little, "Thank you sweet baby Jesus" for all the blessings I bestow upon you never hurts, either.

A natural evolutionary law - no one ever bites the hand that feeds them.  Never.  Only a fool would do such a thing.  Why do you think I became ultra popular with the entire fish and bread thing?  Who in their right mind throws a GIGANTIC party where thousands of people are smoking out, getting the munchies and no one thought of food?  It's like a bunch of monks cruising the red light district after 30+ years being in an intimate relationship by themselves with themselves.  Creepy if you ask me.  These people needed some serious feeding to satiate their yearning.  

The only ones to even think about food was this lesbian couple on a predawn fishing trip.  The feminine one had some bread in her backpack.  The woman of the house may as well have been fishing in the dead sea.  Seriously, all she caught was a few sickly fish?  I decided to work some magic and multiply the food to feed the party goers.  As my mortal momma always said, "Free food tastes the best!"  Boy oh Boy - she was right about that!

After feeding the folks at the party, me and my movement went completely viral - facebook, twitter, myspace and the media exploded making me bigger than Elvis.  Everyone loved me.  I was an instant celebrity - you'd think I could walk on water or something.

My movement spread like a blazing forest fire.  I wanted to capitalize on the attention and bring the people together.  I started prototyping the early corporate owned churches - really focusing not only on product but, on the complete Jesus! experience.  The next thing, we started franchising and growing faster than Starbucks.  It was a way to focus the buzz and create neighborhood hangouts.  Places "where everybody knows your name."  Next thing I know, the patrons set out on a love crusade to recruit more and more members to my little club.  We go public and the rest is history.

Look how far we've come in such a long time!

Love, Jesus
President, CEO and Chairman
Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

Chic-Fil-A?

Children - I love CFA...  They bring something unique to the fast food seen.  Chicken sandwiches.  Yummy!  Brother Truett Cathy invented the chicken sandwich.  I planted a seed in his heart to do something brilliant with his life.  He nurtured that seed and wala - CFA was born.  Did you know they play contemporary Christian music in every location?  It's the kind with the hot beat the kids really groove to.  Eat a sandwich and get turned on to me.  LOVE IT!!  Less I digress...

I was in the area doing some surprise inspections on our franchise churches all day yesterday.  Before heading back to our headquarters in New Hope, PA, I thought a CFA seasonal chocolate peppermint milk shakes would hit the spot.  I am riding with Pope Lavartheus in the cruizer, pulling up to the drive-thru.  There's no one there and the lights are off.  What?  CFA is closed?  Then we remembered - it's Sunday.  Brother Cathy has been closed on Sunday from the beginning.  

Do you know how much CFA could add to their bottom line with 52 additional days of business added to their fiscal year?  I see it now - my children visiting CFA after church, eating a delicious chicken sandwich and letting the young'ns enjoy each other's company in the climate controlled fellowship hall designed with kids in mind.  It's a beautiful sight as I think about it.

We could also use CFA as a distribution point for some of our products to be included in the kid's meals.  I think kid sized plastic mugs with 'Jesus Loves Me' artistically written on the side, or maybe a book mark with some of my favorite bible verses printed on it - like a weekly top 10 list.  Parents love making their kids memorize the best quotes from my biography and guide for successful living.  Knowledge of my teachings builds character.  Parents and I have one thing in common - we want what's best for our kids.

I'll be planting more seeds in Truett's heart.  About that shake?

True to You - Jesus

Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

Investors and Shareholders - After much consideration and debate I, along with the disciples, apostles and Azazel decided a name change to our corporation is needed.  We are growing extremely fast - almost like an upstart.  Innovation is alive and well due to the great team we assembled in January.  During one of the meetings, Pope Lavartheus stated Jesus, Inc. was confusing.  The name needed some pizazz.  Some punch added to it.

During out telephone polling about speaking in tongues we also asked people about Jesus, Inc.  People would say things like - Jesus?  Jesus.  Who's Jesus?  JESUS jeeZUS - we heard all kinds of unusual takes on a timeless name...

The executive council held a brainstorming session in the conference room at our new corporate headquarters in New Hope, PA.  We hired an obscenely overpriced consultant to facilitate the meeting.  We were throwing beach balls, brain storming for ideas, generating mind maps, talking about mission statements and the whole 9 yards.  Breaks were 30 minutes in duration and started every hour on the hour and every half hour.  It's amazing we got anything done?!?!?!  Less I digress....

We had the AH HAH! moment.  The epiphany if you will.  Someone (I can't remember who) blurted out we should have an exclamation point at the end of Jesus.  So it looks like this - Jesus!  Brilliant - absolutely brilliant.  The exclamation point solidifies my position.  The way I should be seen in the world.  The excitement of my message.  The excitement of MY brand.  JESUS!  People want to know me.  People love  knowing me.  People love my message of hope, love and forgiveness.  The promise of everlasting life.  The forgiveness of sins.  Redemption.  It's all because of JESUS!

I'm reminded of a bumper sticker:

No Piece?
Know Jesus!
Know Peace.

Jesus!  JESUS!  J-E-S-U-S!  JEEEESUUUUSSSS.  It reminds of a song:

The was a God and Jesus was his name-O...  J-E-S-U-S, J-E-S-U-S and Jesus was his name-O.

*clap* E-S-U-S *clap* E-S-U-S and Jesus was his name-O.

You get the idea.

We understand our old name was LAME-O so we improved it with a simple mark of punctuation.  The explanation point!  Brilliant.  So, effective today, we are now JESUS! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS).

Your life partner and friend - JESUS!!!

Californ-I-A

My Greatest Fans - I arrived in San Diego yesterday and took the day off.

I think I am going to grab some lunch.   In-N-Out makes the best burger.  Ever.  I only wish they would change the name...  It is unknown exactly what they are referring to.  Driving in to get food and out when ya got it?  A sexual action?  People entering and leaving a relationship with me?  Fads and trends - you know, at one time something is in, the next it's out; take the Tamagotchi Gigapets from the 1990's?  How about deelie boppers? Parachute Pants?  Who's seen any of them in the last 15 years?  Exactly.  Less I digress..

I'm eating a burger during lent - it's okay for you, too.  I didn't invent the Friday fish and fast thing.  That was invented by man before corporate food production developed.  Besides, I know my days with you are numbered and I am going to enjoy each and every one of them for I know what tomorrow will bring.  I also love how In-N-Out strategically places their favorite bible verses on their packaging.  We call it subliminal ministry and I'm sure it responsible for introducing millions to the glory of God.

During this dark time of our relationship, Azazele, Pope Lavartheus and myself are working hard to build a legacy.   Our partnership with Lego is going very well.  One of our best clergyfolk (and mentor for franchisees) created a great thing.

Essentially this is the bible's greatest hits told using Legos...  It is a work of art and a great toy.  It stimulates thinking and understanding.  Logic and reason.  We also learned the sets are nominated for the  prestigious Oppenheim Toy Award.   Take a look at the detail level put into these sets; using a combination of  proprietary and stock Lego pieces.  Incredible.  You'd think these were minted from gold.

Starting today, these are available worldwide at toy and Christian book stores.   Each story is available in a kit starting at 2 pieces of silver.  Complete bibles and/or testaments are available at discounted prices.  Contact us for more information at www.pay4pray.com.

I will also give you a sneak peak for a future release due out on Monday. We will be unveiling a cross-generational product (get it - cross generational).  Jesus Bingo!

We needed a vehicle to reach young and old alike.  I can see it now - folks in assisted living and nursing home facilities, kids, lock-ins, Sunday school activities, vacation bible schools, fund raisers for non profits - the list goes on and on.  It is totally awesome.  Someone pointed out their are two S columns - it was no accident.  Think of it as a bonus - more chances to win.  Hey, I can't help if it Jesus has two s's.  We are debating to eliminate the same number being printed on both S columns at the same time.  If S-12 is called, one could conceivably (ha!) get two mark outs with one shout out.  Instead of yelling bingo, the winner jumps to their feet, proclaims JESUS! as their lord and savior, claps, and raises their hands doing a little dance of jubilant joy!  The others will clap, say a prayer and lay hands on the winner for their new found blessing.  A prayer partner will be available to visit with them and explain just exactly what it is they just won.  We call it a random selection alter call.  All in a bingo-hall or tent.  A ministry revolution!

We are tweaking how we are utilizing the ball cage.  The letters and numbers may not be printed on the little balls.  Instead, it will take two people to call out the next possible mark on the card.  One person will receive the message from me and speak in tongues.  The other person will translate and call to the masses.  I know how speaking in tongues freaks some people out.  A telephone survey is being conducted to study the positive and negative impacts to attract new members to our club.

A video promo is in production for all churches to use in their video announcements - have the bookstore manager contact us for bulk pricing.  We'll do combo deals for all products!  You make money, we make money all in the name of ministry!  Praise me!

These are exciting times for Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS).  The business model is coming together nicely as we broaden our reach with a message of hope, love and forgiveness.

Grace to you - Jesus

Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker - Way before their time

Good Day Children.  I was just thinking...  PTL ministries was on to something back in the day.  The religious themed park.  It was a great idea.  I wish I would have thought of it myself.  A nice relaxing family environment where people can be exposed to my vision, teachings and message without having to get weirded out going to a church.  Walk around and be subliminally exposed to my teachings while strolling down main street eating some popcorn.  Enjoying the day.  There were many nightly concerts featuring choirs from around the world.  Mormon Tabernacle, Kings Singers, Harlem Gospel Choir, African Childrens Choir and many more.  Around this time of year, they would also produce a Passion Play.  Recruiting members to our club was their primary mission.  Too bad they weren't aggressive with the message of good news.  I loved hearing their announcements using the tools and techniques based on Neuro Linguistic Programming.  Too bad it didn't succeed.  That little scandal took it and them out.

Now there is a park in Florida that is actually doing well and believe it or not, it is located near Walt Disney World, the grand-daddy of all theme parks.   It's called "The Holy Land Experience."  They got some real in-your-face ministry going on.  They don't even try to subliminally hypnotize people.  They got all these contemporary christian bands spreading the good news with a beat the kids really groove to.  There's clappping and dancing going on.  People smoking out, partaking in adult beverage consumption.  Satan and the owners really partnered well on the project.  They created Sinergy.



The gideons hook them up with tons of bibles - which are given away with park maps printed on the back cover.  People don't take just one, they take 3 or 4 of them.  Thank me the park isn't paying for them.  Where do the gideons get their money to have all these things printed up?

I wonder how many of those bibles end up in the garbage?

It bothers me that there is some weirdo playing the role of me.  I think he actually believes he is Jesus.  It really upsets me when weirdo is sick and the understudy stands in.  He's horrible and needs to stick with being a member of the company.  Less I digress.

I think Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS) may have to execute a hostile merger and acquisition.  This will be the first time in history our company has purchased another.  I'm glad we went public.  It gives us plenty of cash to pay any price for the things we want.  Pope Lavartheus will broker a deal almost too good to be true.  Once we get hold of it, we will make the admission price a free will offering.

New Ancillary Revenue Stream for 2010!

Good Evening Minions!

A few days ago I wrote about Jesus Inc.'s (NYSE: JSUS) new marketing opportunities for 2010. Advertising was and is still the best way to get your name, image, and message out to millions of our faithful worldwide!

Your savior and my boss, Jesus Christ, have been coming up with ways to get his face out to the younger generations in the world. If they aren't exposed to his greatness at a young age, then it's harder to steer them down the right path.

I am pleased to announce our newest way to generate not only extra cash for Jesus Inc, but to also make the children of the world DESIRE to know Jesus. Our latest venture will be VIDEOGAMES! Yes, videogames. What modern era child doesn't play video games? Rather than play a typical violent game that encourages our youth to stray from our savior, why not make a game which stars our savior. See our image below of our first release this Spring.



We've partnered with Microsoft to make this game featuring the one and only savior of the world, Jesus, in a game that is geared towards a hugely popular game called Halo. In this game, however, Jesus will not be battling aliens. Rather, he will be battling sin and the devil. Along the way the player will have ample opportunites to learn about our lord and realize that playing Xbox can lead to a stairway to Heaven. I realize that the "Stairway" will have to be made of reinforced steel to support the weight of the larger kids these days who turn to games over plain exercise.

Blessed are all who worship me,

Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I

Jesus is the Man!

Taken outside of the Hard Rock Cafe in Jackson, MS; Jesus Christ was seen posing for the paparazzi. It melts my heart to see that my boss, your savior Jesus Christ is taking his job seriously and becoming more of a people's savior and not a figment of imagination.

Blessed are those who worship me,

Pope Lavartheus Lemilius I

Greetings my Minions

Greetings my minions,

Today I have a message. A message from my boss and your savior; Jesus Christ! I have been chosen to be your new Pope of this new religious movement. I am very pleased to be the "President" of Jesus Incorporation (NYSE: JSUS).

This is a new day in the world of organized religion. Due to recent global economic turmoil, many people have turned to prayer as a means to give them hope. We, the church of Jesus, have gone through our own economic turmoil. Cost cutting measures for us have been to recently switch from real wine to wine from outlet stores such as Spec's. Holy water has also been outsourced. Holy water has been provided now by a global water distribution company known as Dasani.

With this recent change, we have decided to diversify our portfolio. Our corporate goals for 2010 is to take advantage of worldwide prayers. We have developed new resources to generate more ancillary revenues. Some of our newest revenue streams are: www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-pay-4pray. At just .08 cents a minute to speak to our "prayer partners," this will prove to be a huge stream of cash to JSUS. Advertising will be on bulletin backs in churches all around the globe in over 20 languages! We will even offer package rates both online and via the phone. Customers who wish to pay the low rate of $5.99 will be able to chat online with a partner or have unlimited phone calls with their chosen partner.

Our website will also aim to capture the young minions who are still seeking direction from our holiest of holyness; the Lord Jesus Christ. Such marketing techniques will be to offer Podcasts that will be available for free download once the saved has downloaded our iPhone/iPod Touch app "Prayer Partners" for only .99 cents in the App store. Podcasts will also be available for download every Monday on www.pay4pray.com/podcasts. Note that only podcasts will be updated once a week after Sunday, the designated day to keep the Sabboth.

Other mainstream opportunites will not be missed. We will advertise via Twitter, Myspace, and facebook to give future minions the opportunity to be saved by our Lord, Jesus Christ. Visitors can follow updates and get reduced prayer partner rates if they use our coupon code JSUS4687. They will be eligible to receive a 20% discount off of our .08 cents a minute phone rate.

Safety of our senior leaders is also crucial to the success of this movement. In recent years, there have been several attacks on the lives of previous Popes. I will not stand for this! Below is my new car for the 2010 rebirth. Sitting on 26" Denali chrome rims, my custom Mercedes SUV has been retrofitted to house me as we drive through the many cities we visit. It has been equipped with two layer bulletproof glass and a steel plate on the underside capable of withstanding a medium size road side bomb.



We are also going to be parterning with our new airline sponsor Spirit Airlines. They have agreed to give minions traveling to church functions discounted airfare if the use their link off of www.pay4pray.com/flyspirit/index.asap.html. In return for their generous offer of reduced rates, we are personally going to bless each one of their flights to ensure that our customers, customers who have financially supported us, are going to be safe.

So I leave you with this my little minions, 2010 will be a glorious year! Our union (12 Apostles local 101) has agreed to the latest collective bargaining agreement and are committed to delivering peace and grace to all that seek it (and willing to pay for it too). So grab your rosaries and fasten your seat belts because 2010 is our year for the heavens to shine down!

Blessed are those who praise me,

Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Email: LL_Cool_L@Vatican.com
Phone: x02 (Using red phone at all Holy Locations)
Oustide: 1-900-Pay-4Pray
Fax: 566-664-5616