What happens in Vegas...

...  Stays in Vegas.  Man, I'm wiped.  It's Wednesday and I just now have the energy to report on our trip.

Moses and the tablets would have been laughed at had we unveiled the commandments in Las Vegas.  The city contradicts every one of my principles for living the good life.  The question that begs to be answered is how do we live the life without falling short.  It's impossible - I made it that way - it's the ultimate game show challenge where there will never, ever be a winner.  Even I was tempted in Vegas, and there may have been one or two minor transgressions.  I'm only human.  That's the beauty of being me - automatic forgiveness without having to ask.  Love it!  Anyway, Vegas is a city built by Satan and, sad to say, he controls it.  It's the one place in the world for Him to focus all his energies and hone his craft.

Faith in me and the strength I give will be tried in many places.  Remember, I died for every single one of your transgressions.  It's not a get out of jail free card for the mortals to run amuck.  My death is a reminder that I carry your burdens once you have asked for forgiveness.  I take those burdens from you and make you clean again.  It is really quite simple.  I give you strength and lead you not into temptation.  Satan leads you to that temptation.  Discipline and trust in me is the key.  

Remember the "Just Say No" campaign for drugs?  We started that back in the day when the bible was being crafted.  Alas, modern man has taken a universal truth to resist the temptation of evil and trivially compartmentalized it to drugs.  Seriously - life is about resisting the temptation against those evil things.  Yes, everyone falls short when compared to my glory.  It happens.  Forgive those who trespass against you just as I forgive your trespasses.   I love you.  Nothing will ever change that love.  I will love you for ever and ever.  Amen.

- Jesus

  

We've Arrived

Hello All - Satan and I arrived in Las Vegas very early this morning after taking a red-eye.   Of course, we took Spirit Airlines.  I don't know what it is with being me.  We bought the least expensive tickets...  When we checked in they upgraded us to first class.  I wish to hang out with the salt of the Earth - not the snobs with money.  My people had a bad experience with Pharaoh's type.

We preboard the airplane because we don't want to cause a stir.  I ask to see the Bible in the service kit so I could sign it.  The lovely flight attendant said Bibles were included in the service kit back in the day.  However, with all the airlines doing this cost cutting, the bible has gone the way of the olive.  It seems to me having a Bible on a tube of metal shooting through the sky at some 500 mile per hour would be important.  Especially because 99.9% of crashes result in the death of everyone on board.  Ah well - more people come home early that way.

So, we blessed the plane and all the people in it.  Had a group prayer.  Since I was on board, the cabin service included unleavened bread and wine.  Someone said they wanted water instead of wine.  The flight attendant obliged.  As soon as the passenger put the water to their lips, *SHAZAM* and I turned it to wine.  She chocked in it and was like, "what the hell?"  Satan and I always laugh at that one.  The flight attendant says to me, "If you need anything, my name is Susan."  Then I reply, "If I don't need anything, what do I call you?"  She just looked at me.

We also had a mile high communion service - That's one for the scrap book.

Finally we make it to Vegas.

Planning the weekend

Hello children- I've been looking at places to stay in Las Vegas. There are so many choices. There is always room at the inn.  Anyway, the one hotel that interests me is the Stratosphere. It is close to heaven. Anything giving my people a glimpse of what is awaiting them is a good thing. I especially like the elevator ride on the top that shoots people even closer to the heavens. Plus, the view of the "strip" is phenomenal.

Satan has his idea on where we should stay. Hooters. Satan says it is one of the best. Tacky yet unrefined. I don't know what I think about that. Hooter's has a much better location. And according to Satan
they have lots of eye candy.

Word to you-Jesus.

Weekend GetAWay

Faithful Ones- you know, I think I need a vacation. Being me has been exhausting. Answering prayers, working with the clergy folk and reinventing our business model with Pope L.

I'm thinking satan and I might go to Vegas. He built that city and has been bugging me for years to check out his vision for the world. We are looking at places to stay. I'll let Satan figure out our entertainment.

Faithfully yours - Jesus
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Sent from my mobile device.

Spiritual Cruise!

Pilgrims,

Are you ready to hit the high seas? If so, then your savior Jesus Christ and I have come up with a spectacular getaway package to get to know your savior. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) will be offering seasonal cruises for the faithful who are willing to part with a material item such as money to get to know our lord.

Cruises will be a total of 40 days and 40 nights. Pets are allowed on this cruise because our Lord Jesus loves everyone and everything! (That rule is being reviewed by our 12 Deciple union local 101) See the below image for our newest cruise liner "The Ark of the Seas." It has a total of 200 staterooms and each one has its own unique blend of history and places to worship. Read our F.A.Q. page below for answers!




F.A.Q'S About Cruise

1. What is the cost of the cruise? The cost of the cruise is approximately 25 pounds of silver, however we will gladly covnert it to the cost of $2,000 USD per pilgrim.
2. Where can I purchase Tickets? Tickets can be purchased at any of our outlying churches worldwide by seeing a local holy travel assistant. Note that our travel assistants help you both physically and spiritually. Also tickets can be made online via Priceline, Expedia, Ebay, and Orbitz
3. When does the cruise set sail? The Ark of the Seas will set sail during the seasons of Easter and Christmas.
4. Where does cruise sail from, and how can we get there? The cruise will set sail from Fort Lauderdale, FL from our Jewish hub. Customers can visit www.pay4pray.com and get special airfare from our partner Spirit Airlines.
5. How safe is the cruise as I am worried about the wood construction? I know you've heard this phrase before, but this ship WILL NEVER SINK! With Jesus on our side, we can overcome any obstacle. Since our creator is sponsoring this cruise, he already knows where ice bergs will be at before they are even frozen. He will also personally ensure that Mother Nature clears the skies enroute so we can have great weather for worship everyday on board.
6. What can I expect to eat while I'm on board? Pilgrims on our cruise can expect a healty diet of communion both whole weat and white and a glass of red wine. Breakfast will consist of our new cereal brand not publicly relased yet, Jesus-O's "For the body cannot live on bread alone!"

Pilgrims, I hope these F.A.Q's have been helpful for you! There is no better way to get to know your lord Jesus Christ than to be on his boat with him and his top leaders! There will be food, music, worship, and a never ending supply of body and blood of his holiness! So hurry up now before tickets are gone! See you in April my pilgrims!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I