That's right kiddos - Azazelle called in some radio dedications for the catholic church's ongoing scandal. I think there is a lot of wisdom to be incorporated into the Fraternal Brotherhood of the Priesthood.
Love, Jesus!
Showing posts with label POPE. Show all posts
Showing posts with label POPE. Show all posts
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Dunks, Tiger and the catholic church's pedopriest problems.
I'm cruising around in the R8 this morning, feeling a little hungry. I see a Dunkin' Donuts and practically cause an accident crossing three lanes of traffic to get into their parking lot. What can I say - I'm always driving in the fast lane....
I've always had a special affinity for donuts to match where I am with my life. The donuts don't have holes and the munchkins are the holes. You get the idea.... I paid for the donuts and an iced tea. Ok, I am addicted to caffeine just like everyone else. Every now and then I need a good pick me up.... I sat down at aMiss Cleo had mentioned something about donuts when I met with her a while back. I held one of my sprinkled donuts to the light and just looked at hit. Miss Cleo said I would be seeing more and more clues to what my future holds.
A black man comes wondering in wearing a white ball cap with Tiger Woods' logo.
I'm thinking how awesome. I say to the man- 'Nice! Thanks for supporting brother woods.' He looked at me and said, "He'll be back." "Where is his first game bag since the fall?" "The Masters." I respond, "Wasn't that where it all began - his first win?" "Yeah, it was." "How fitting to be born again where he was first launched." Come home, make yourself clean by accepting me as your lord and savior. Return to the fulfilling the plan I had for your greatness. Mr. Woods is the epitome of getting into trouble, taking responsibility for his actions, taking the road to recovery and reclaiming the good life. Very smart Mr. Woods, Very smart!!! Well done, my child.
I was again thinking about Pope Benny's little problem with the pedo-priests. Maybe they should be call priestophiles - I don't know...
I found a picture of the Italy's top cardinal. If this dude doesn't look like a pedophile, I don't know what does. The problem with the catholic church is they've been around so long, they got so much money that they think they are exempt from living by the principles taught in my autobiography and guide to successful living. Their top brass is not exempt from living a normal life. These clowns examples of hellboys vision of the world and how NOT to live. Being a spiritual leader and guide was never to be about leading a life of corruption in my name. They are so detached from reality they forgot the responsibility, beauty and purity that comes with living a life in my shadow. The more I think about the catholic church's upper echelon of leadership, the more repulsed I become. It's nothing more than a good ol' boys club full of a bunch of mentally tormented dudes. Are the foolish enough to think the only relationship they can have is with me? Seriously? Go out, pick up a nun and do her like she's never been done before. You'd both be smiling and leave happy!
As I think about it, I realize the catholic priests aren't the smartest sheep in the flock. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking they are idiotic fools. In my writings, I call each of you my children. I often speak of loving each and every single one of you. The catholics went a little too far and took my words literally.
Effective today, all leaders of the catholic church are banished to hell. I no longer recognize the catholic church as a franchise organization and reporting them to the authorities for slander, mis-representation of the the me and the universal truth of my message and promise (aka lying), being child predators. Obviously, they think Vatican City is some kind of safe haven for perverts. Benny and his HR people have been putting the wrong people in the wrong positions. I guess they missed out on Jesus! Inc.'s target selection profiling class taught many moons ago. Perhaps they adopted my curriculum to meet their own sick desires and came up with their own model of target selection.
Starting tomorrow, all male sex offenders (is there such a thing as a female sex offender?) will be deported to Vatican City where they can play with each other. Have at it boys.
- J-Dawg.
I've always had a special affinity for donuts to match where I am with my life. The donuts don't have holes and the munchkins are the holes. You get the idea.... I paid for the donuts and an iced tea. Ok, I am addicted to caffeine just like everyone else. Every now and then I need a good pick me up.... I sat down at aMiss Cleo had mentioned something about donuts when I met with her a while back. I held one of my sprinkled donuts to the light and just looked at hit. Miss Cleo said I would be seeing more and more clues to what my future holds.
A black man comes wondering in wearing a white ball cap with Tiger Woods' logo.
I'm thinking how awesome. I say to the man- 'Nice! Thanks for supporting brother woods.' He looked at me and said, "He'll be back." "Where is his first game bag since the fall?" "The Masters." I respond, "Wasn't that where it all began - his first win?" "Yeah, it was." "How fitting to be born again where he was first launched." Come home, make yourself clean by accepting me as your lord and savior. Return to the fulfilling the plan I had for your greatness. Mr. Woods is the epitome of getting into trouble, taking responsibility for his actions, taking the road to recovery and reclaiming the good life. Very smart Mr. Woods, Very smart!!! Well done, my child.
I found a picture of the Italy's top cardinal. If this dude doesn't look like a pedophile, I don't know what does. The problem with the catholic church is they've been around so long, they got so much money that they think they are exempt from living by the principles taught in my autobiography and guide to successful living. Their top brass is not exempt from living a normal life. These clowns examples of hellboys vision of the world and how NOT to live. Being a spiritual leader and guide was never to be about leading a life of corruption in my name. They are so detached from reality they forgot the responsibility, beauty and purity that comes with living a life in my shadow. The more I think about the catholic church's upper echelon of leadership, the more repulsed I become. It's nothing more than a good ol' boys club full of a bunch of mentally tormented dudes. Are the foolish enough to think the only relationship they can have is with me? Seriously? Go out, pick up a nun and do her like she's never been done before. You'd both be smiling and leave happy!
As I think about it, I realize the catholic priests aren't the smartest sheep in the flock. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking they are idiotic fools. In my writings, I call each of you my children. I often speak of loving each and every single one of you. The catholics went a little too far and took my words literally.
Effective today, all leaders of the catholic church are banished to hell. I no longer recognize the catholic church as a franchise organization and reporting them to the authorities for slander, mis-representation of the the me and the universal truth of my message and promise (aka lying), being child predators. Obviously, they think Vatican City is some kind of safe haven for perverts. Benny and his HR people have been putting the wrong people in the wrong positions. I guess they missed out on Jesus! Inc.'s target selection profiling class taught many moons ago. Perhaps they adopted my curriculum to meet their own sick desires and came up with their own model of target selection.
Starting tomorrow, all male sex offenders (is there such a thing as a female sex offender?) will be deported to Vatican City where they can play with each other. Have at it boys.
- J-Dawg.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker - Way before their time
Good Day Children. I was just thinking... PTL ministries was on to something back in the day. The religious themed park. It was a great idea. I wish I would have thought of it myself. A nice relaxing family environment where people can be exposed to my vision, teachings and message without having to get weirded out going to a church. Walk around and be subliminally exposed to my teachings while strolling down main street eating some popcorn. Enjoying the day. There were many nightly concerts featuring choirs from around the world. Mormon Tabernacle, Kings Singers, Harlem Gospel Choir, African Childrens Choir and many more. Around this time of year, they would also produce a Passion Play. Recruiting members to our club was their primary mission. Too bad they weren't aggressive with the message of good news. I loved hearing their announcements using the tools and techniques based on Neuro Linguistic Programming. Too bad it didn't succeed. That little scandal took it and them out.
Now there is a park in Florida that is actually doing well and believe it or not, it is located near Walt Disney World, the grand-daddy of all theme parks. It's called "The Holy Land Experience." They got some real in-your-face ministry going on. They don't even try to subliminally hypnotize people. They got all these contemporary christian bands spreading the good news with a beat the kids really groove to. There's clappping and dancing going on. People smoking out, partaking in adult beverage consumption. Satan and the owners really partnered well on the project. They created Sinergy.
The gideons hook them up with tons of bibles - which are given away with park maps printed on the back cover. People don't take just one, they take 3 or 4 of them. Thank me the park isn't paying for them. Where do the gideons get their money to have all these things printed up?
I wonder how many of those bibles end up in the garbage?
It bothers me that there is some weirdo playing the role of me. I think he actually believes he is Jesus. It really upsets me when weirdo is sick and the understudy stands in. He's horrible and needs to stick with being a member of the company. Less I digress.
I think Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS) may have to execute a hostile merger and acquisition. This will be the first time in history our company has purchased another. I'm glad we went public. It gives us plenty of cash to pay any price for the things we want. Pope Lavartheus will broker a deal almost too good to be true. Once we get hold of it, we will make the admission price a free will offering.
Now there is a park in Florida that is actually doing well and believe it or not, it is located near Walt Disney World, the grand-daddy of all theme parks. It's called "The Holy Land Experience." They got some real in-your-face ministry going on. They don't even try to subliminally hypnotize people. They got all these contemporary christian bands spreading the good news with a beat the kids really groove to. There's clappping and dancing going on. People smoking out, partaking in adult beverage consumption. Satan and the owners really partnered well on the project. They created Sinergy.
The gideons hook them up with tons of bibles - which are given away with park maps printed on the back cover. People don't take just one, they take 3 or 4 of them. Thank me the park isn't paying for them. Where do the gideons get their money to have all these things printed up?
I wonder how many of those bibles end up in the garbage?
It bothers me that there is some weirdo playing the role of me. I think he actually believes he is Jesus. It really upsets me when weirdo is sick and the understudy stands in. He's horrible and needs to stick with being a member of the company. Less I digress.
I think Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS) may have to execute a hostile merger and acquisition. This will be the first time in history our company has purchased another. I'm glad we went public. It gives us plenty of cash to pay any price for the things we want. Pope Lavartheus will broker a deal almost too good to be true. Once we get hold of it, we will make the admission price a free will offering.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Digital World
Hello Faithful Ones - Let's start with Steve Job's (he does one of the greatest imitations of me to date) little 'iPad.' I personally would have called it 'The God Slate.' Just imagine Moses descending from on high with The God Slate. He'd come down the mountain holding the slate behind his back. I can see it now - a big goofy grin on his face all excited to show it to the people. He asks them, "Which Hand?" They guess a couple times and he finally reveals it. Moses brings it to his lips and kisses it much the way Tiger Woods (one of my greatest human works who got stung by Azazel) kisses a trophy. He presses the little button and triumphantly he raises it over his head for the world to see. Behold: the 10 commandments brightly beaming from the slate in bright, content rich digital multimedia with lots of cool, interactive demonstration videos, power points and study guides for use in small groups. The people are mesmerized. Just imagine the impact we could have had then. Too bad technology had not caught up with our vision for the future back in the day. The God Slate would have been so much easier to lug down that steep hill, too.
Speaking of digital media, here's a little analogy. Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I is to Pope Benedict XVI as Karl Rove is to George Bush. Benedict is Pinocchio and Lemillius is Geppetto. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) has embraced blogging and having a rich, multimedia web presence since contra inception. We've been trying it for a while and being online has worked exceptionally well for us. We effectively reach our target demographic of tech-savvy professional men and women between the ages of 18 and 37 earning an average salary of $90,000. So, Pope Lavartheus Lemillius and I had a "meeting" with Benedict. We strongly encouraged him to present the wonders of technology to the ordained brotherhood. All people sharing my word need to have an online presence.
As a matter of fact, I was just on the phone with Lemillius and he suggested we buy more server space and sell templates for our less technologically inclined clergy folk to use. Monthly hosting starts at 9 pieces of silver per month with a one time setup charge of 30 silver pieces. The mailers are being sent tomorrow.
I look forward to the day when all houses of worship and clergy members become part of the digital age. The more people who come to know me, the better. We will be more popular than ever!
Heavenly Yours - Jesus.
Speaking of digital media, here's a little analogy. Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I is to Pope Benedict XVI as Karl Rove is to George Bush. Benedict is Pinocchio and Lemillius is Geppetto. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) has embraced blogging and having a rich, multimedia web presence since contra inception. We've been trying it for a while and being online has worked exceptionally well for us. We effectively reach our target demographic of tech-savvy professional men and women between the ages of 18 and 37 earning an average salary of $90,000. So, Pope Lavartheus Lemillius and I had a "meeting" with Benedict. We strongly encouraged him to present the wonders of technology to the ordained brotherhood. All people sharing my word need to have an online presence.
As a matter of fact, I was just on the phone with Lemillius and he suggested we buy more server space and sell templates for our less technologically inclined clergy folk to use. Monthly hosting starts at 9 pieces of silver per month with a one time setup charge of 30 silver pieces. The mailers are being sent tomorrow.
I look forward to the day when all houses of worship and clergy members become part of the digital age. The more people who come to know me, the better. We will be more popular than ever!
Heavenly Yours - Jesus.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
I'm Bringing Sexy Back!
Good evening Pilgrims!
I know it has been a long time since my last post. I had fallen ill and I didn't think I had the engergy to greet my parish. But I'm back, and I'm ready to bring the message stronger than ever to the believers!
Since my step away from the Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) spotlight, my senior leaders of the company have been carrying on in the most holiest of styles. We've shown tha we have what it takes to be ahead of the pack by bringing in Satan to the company. It was the ultimate aggressive business strategy, however, by having Jesus's Yang to his Ying, it's a great marketing opportunity.
My boss, your savior Jesus Christ, has been really busy while I was away. He approved us to great an awesome music video that highlights our message. Our videogame is taking pre-orders faster than we anticipated. Our cruises for the next two major cruise holidays are booked solid. Jesus Inc. is poised to be on top of the cut throat world of religion by the end of the first quarter 2010.
Pilgrims, my subject said that I was bringing sexy back. Well, I am! Starting in February, MTV has picked up our pilot series called "Pope My Ride." See thumbnail below:
This series will feature our dedicated pilgrims who would like to have their ordinary car turned into a Pope Mobile. It will be fully loaded with the bulletproof glass encasement and a inch thick steel plate on the under carriage. The driver's windows will also be fully bulletproofed.
This series will not only get our message out to young pilgrims looking for guidance, but it will complete our mission to have our message on every major media outlet possible. Also, don't forget to listen to the latest Godccast on www.pay4pray.com/godcast.index.asp.html. Godcasts are uploaded on every Monday to feature my latest message to the parish.
Go forth my pilgrims and make sure we stay true to Jesus!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
I know it has been a long time since my last post. I had fallen ill and I didn't think I had the engergy to greet my parish. But I'm back, and I'm ready to bring the message stronger than ever to the believers!
Since my step away from the Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) spotlight, my senior leaders of the company have been carrying on in the most holiest of styles. We've shown tha we have what it takes to be ahead of the pack by bringing in Satan to the company. It was the ultimate aggressive business strategy, however, by having Jesus's Yang to his Ying, it's a great marketing opportunity.
My boss, your savior Jesus Christ, has been really busy while I was away. He approved us to great an awesome music video that highlights our message. Our videogame is taking pre-orders faster than we anticipated. Our cruises for the next two major cruise holidays are booked solid. Jesus Inc. is poised to be on top of the cut throat world of religion by the end of the first quarter 2010.
Pilgrims, my subject said that I was bringing sexy back. Well, I am! Starting in February, MTV has picked up our pilot series called "Pope My Ride." See thumbnail below:
This series will feature our dedicated pilgrims who would like to have their ordinary car turned into a Pope Mobile. It will be fully loaded with the bulletproof glass encasement and a inch thick steel plate on the under carriage. The driver's windows will also be fully bulletproofed.
This series will not only get our message out to young pilgrims looking for guidance, but it will complete our mission to have our message on every major media outlet possible. Also, don't forget to listen to the latest Godccast on www.pay4pray.com/godcast.index.asp.html. Godcasts are uploaded on every Monday to feature my latest message to the parish.
Go forth my pilgrims and make sure we stay true to Jesus!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Monday, January 18, 2010
Spiritual Cruise!
Pilgrims,
Are you ready to hit the high seas? If so, then your savior Jesus Christ and I have come up with a spectacular getaway package to get to know your savior. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) will be offering seasonal cruises for the faithful who are willing to part with a material item such as money to get to know our lord.
Cruises will be a total of 40 days and 40 nights. Pets are allowed on this cruise because our Lord Jesus loves everyone and everything! (That rule is being reviewed by our 12 Deciple union local 101) See the below image for our newest cruise liner "The Ark of the Seas." It has a total of 200 staterooms and each one has its own unique blend of history and places to worship. Read our F.A.Q. page below for answers!
F.A.Q'S About Cruise
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Are you ready to hit the high seas? If so, then your savior Jesus Christ and I have come up with a spectacular getaway package to get to know your savior. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) will be offering seasonal cruises for the faithful who are willing to part with a material item such as money to get to know our lord.
Cruises will be a total of 40 days and 40 nights. Pets are allowed on this cruise because our Lord Jesus loves everyone and everything! (That rule is being reviewed by our 12 Deciple union local 101) See the below image for our newest cruise liner "The Ark of the Seas." It has a total of 200 staterooms and each one has its own unique blend of history and places to worship. Read our F.A.Q. page below for answers!
F.A.Q'S About Cruise
- What is the cost of the cruise? The cost of the cruise is approximately 25 pounds of silver, however we will gladly covnert it to the cost of $2,000 USD per pilgrim.
- Where can I purchase Tickets? Tickets can be purchased at any of our outlying churches worldwide by seeing a local holy travel assistant. Note that our travel assistants help you both physically and spiritually. Also tickets can be made online via Priceline, Expedia, Ebay, and Orbitz
- When does the cruise set sail? The Ark of the Seas will set sail during the seasons of Easter and Christmas.
- Where does cruise sail from, and how can we get there? The cruise will set sail from Fort Lauderdale, FL from our Jewish hub. Customers can visit www.pay4pray.com and get special airfare from our partner Spirit Airlines.
- How safe is the cruise as I am worried about the wood construction? I know you've heard this phrase before, but this ship WILL NEVER SINK! With Jesus on our side, we can overcome any obstacle. Since our creator is sponsoring this cruise, he already knows where ice bergs will be at before they are even frozen. He will also personally ensure that Mother Nature clears the skies enroute so we can have great weather for worship everyday on board.
- What can I expect to eat while I'm on board? Pilgrims on our cruise can expect a healty diet of communion both whole weat and white and a glass of red wine. Breakfast will consist of our new cereal brand not publicly relased yet, Jesus-O's "For the body cannot live on bread alone!"
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Diversification is the Key to Greatness!
PILGRIMS!!
I have fantastic news from my boss and your savior Jesus Christ! I have recently discussed our new branding items featuring videogames, re-vamped WWJD bracelets, advertisements, and our www.pay4pray.com website.
Today I have casted my net into the sea of ideas and I am confident that I will capture greatness. Such greatness as Simon did when Jesus saw him struggling while fishing and willed him to catch more fish than his boat can hold.
My pilgrims, this new venture will reach the minds and hearts of the people who cannot read or like to play video games. The third venture in the entertainment trifecta will be movies! Everyone watches movies! What better way to capture the audience than to have our most graceful master flaunt his greatness on the big screen? Coming in June 2010, Jesus will be starring in "33 Year Old Virgin." He has actually endowed a mortal with his great looks and spirtual attitude (his version of stunt double) to star in the role, but trust me, this is top notch acting! So stay tuned my pilgrims for the video trailors coming out on www.pay4pray.com and let's keep this holy momentum going. Scroll down for the movie poster!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
I have fantastic news from my boss and your savior Jesus Christ! I have recently discussed our new branding items featuring videogames, re-vamped WWJD bracelets, advertisements, and our www.pay4pray.com website.
Today I have casted my net into the sea of ideas and I am confident that I will capture greatness. Such greatness as Simon did when Jesus saw him struggling while fishing and willed him to catch more fish than his boat can hold.
My pilgrims, this new venture will reach the minds and hearts of the people who cannot read or like to play video games. The third venture in the entertainment trifecta will be movies! Everyone watches movies! What better way to capture the audience than to have our most graceful master flaunt his greatness on the big screen? Coming in June 2010, Jesus will be starring in "33 Year Old Virgin." He has actually endowed a mortal with his great looks and spirtual attitude (his version of stunt double) to star in the role, but trust me, this is top notch acting! So stay tuned my pilgrims for the video trailors coming out on www.pay4pray.com and let's keep this holy momentum going. Scroll down for the movie poster!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Sunday, January 17, 2010
10 Commandments Re-Examined
Happy Sabbath my Pilgrims!
Today I had a very spiritual and productive meeting with my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. I feel we are on the right track for getting our movement into the hearts and minds of the world's youth while giving Jesus Inc a positive cash flow.
We've previously discussed new ventures of adverstising, videogames, and WWJD apparel. But how can we tie all of this together with the world? How are we going to make them understand what all of this means. After reading our one and only world's best selling book, "Holy Bible," we've pinpointed the exact issue that we need to simplify.
The 10 Commandments are the staple of what us mortals use to guide us towards a spiritual and holy life. It's our savior's simple little list of rules that if followed, will ensure that when our demise from mortal life is met, that we will have an eternal life in our savior's kingdom.
So as of today, I have simplified the 10 Commandments to where all around the world can understand them without having to interpret "Thou" and "Shall and Shall not." These new commandments will be included in all newly printed versions of our only publiciation starting in January 2010. Below is the list of the revised 10 Commandments. Please note that these are the SAME commandments that we have all had for many centuries, however, they are just simplified for all people.
10 Commandments Simplified:
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Today I had a very spiritual and productive meeting with my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. I feel we are on the right track for getting our movement into the hearts and minds of the world's youth while giving Jesus Inc a positive cash flow.
We've previously discussed new ventures of adverstising, videogames, and WWJD apparel. But how can we tie all of this together with the world? How are we going to make them understand what all of this means. After reading our one and only world's best selling book, "Holy Bible," we've pinpointed the exact issue that we need to simplify.
The 10 Commandments are the staple of what us mortals use to guide us towards a spiritual and holy life. It's our savior's simple little list of rules that if followed, will ensure that when our demise from mortal life is met, that we will have an eternal life in our savior's kingdom.
So as of today, I have simplified the 10 Commandments to where all around the world can understand them without having to interpret "Thou" and "Shall and Shall not." These new commandments will be included in all newly printed versions of our only publiciation starting in January 2010. Below is the list of the revised 10 Commandments. Please note that these are the SAME commandments that we have all had for many centuries, however, they are just simplified for all people.
10 Commandments Simplified:
- Just one God
- Don't be puttin nothin' before God
- Don't be cussin'
- Don't be missin church on Sunday
- Don't be mean to momma and daddy
- Don't be killin people
- Don't be messin' with another man's woman
- Don't be stealin stuff that ain't yours
- Don't be lyin or gossipin
- Don't be wantin any of your neighbor's stuff
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Saturday, January 16, 2010
New Ancillary Revenue Stream for 2010!
Good Evening Minions!
A few days ago I wrote about Jesus Inc.'s (NYSE: JSUS) new marketing opportunities for 2010. Advertising was and is still the best way to get your name, image, and message out to millions of our faithful worldwide!
Your savior and my boss, Jesus Christ, have been coming up with ways to get his face out to the younger generations in the world. If they aren't exposed to his greatness at a young age, then it's harder to steer them down the right path.
I am pleased to announce our newest way to generate not only extra cash for Jesus Inc, but to also make the children of the world DESIRE to know Jesus. Our latest venture will be VIDEOGAMES! Yes, videogames. What modern era child doesn't play video games? Rather than play a typical violent game that encourages our youth to stray from our savior, why not make a game which stars our savior. See our image below of our first release this Spring.
We've partnered with Microsoft to make this game featuring the one and only savior of the world, Jesus, in a game that is geared towards a hugely popular game called Halo. In this game, however, Jesus will not be battling aliens. Rather, he will be battling sin and the devil. Along the way the player will have ample opportunites to learn about our lord and realize that playing Xbox can lead to a stairway to Heaven. I realize that the "Stairway" will have to be made of reinforced steel to support the weight of the larger kids these days who turn to games over plain exercise.
Blessed are all who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
A few days ago I wrote about Jesus Inc.'s (NYSE: JSUS) new marketing opportunities for 2010. Advertising was and is still the best way to get your name, image, and message out to millions of our faithful worldwide!
Your savior and my boss, Jesus Christ, have been coming up with ways to get his face out to the younger generations in the world. If they aren't exposed to his greatness at a young age, then it's harder to steer them down the right path.
I am pleased to announce our newest way to generate not only extra cash for Jesus Inc, but to also make the children of the world DESIRE to know Jesus. Our latest venture will be VIDEOGAMES! Yes, videogames. What modern era child doesn't play video games? Rather than play a typical violent game that encourages our youth to stray from our savior, why not make a game which stars our savior. See our image below of our first release this Spring.
We've partnered with Microsoft to make this game featuring the one and only savior of the world, Jesus, in a game that is geared towards a hugely popular game called Halo. In this game, however, Jesus will not be battling aliens. Rather, he will be battling sin and the devil. Along the way the player will have ample opportunites to learn about our lord and realize that playing Xbox can lead to a stairway to Heaven. I realize that the "Stairway" will have to be made of reinforced steel to support the weight of the larger kids these days who turn to games over plain exercise.
Blessed are all who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Today is Holy Saturday....
Greetings my Pilgrims!
Today is a holy day! Today is a holy Saturday! Two links of our holy chain of command are engaging in a friendly game of football! The "Saints" and the "Cardinals" will be battling for bragging rights around the Vatican. So my pilgrims, for today, I am not answering any calls to help the poor or relay any messages to my boss and your savior to help people. We will all be tuned in to the "Holy Bowl" down in New Orleans. Until tomorrow my pilgrims, have a great day!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Today is a holy day! Today is a holy Saturday! Two links of our holy chain of command are engaging in a friendly game of football! The "Saints" and the "Cardinals" will be battling for bragging rights around the Vatican. So my pilgrims, for today, I am not answering any calls to help the poor or relay any messages to my boss and your savior to help people. We will all be tuned in to the "Holy Bowl" down in New Orleans. Until tomorrow my pilgrims, have a great day!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What Would Jesus Do?
Peace be with you my pilgrims around the world!
Tonight I come to you regarding our oldest and most trusted means of spreading Jesus's message. We have all heard the slogan "What Would Jesus Do?" or "WWJD." It was a marketing campaign started many years ago by our previous administration. It is still considered a worldwide phenomenon by most accounts. Objects of all shapes and sizes bear this slogan which are decorative and fashionable.
But how are we ensuring that the message is guiding our pilgrims, and not just being a fashion piece on their wrists or a message on a T-shirt? Before we can ask the question "What would Jesus do?" we must ask ourselves whether we know Jesus. Knowing Jesus begins with reading about His life, teachings and claims in the Bible. However, reading the Bible as literature alone only helps us to learn ABOUT Jesus. To truly KNOW Him requires a personal, spiritual relationship with Him. In Revelation 3:20, Jesus says:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me."
So my pilgrims, our challenge for 2010 is two fold for this parish. Number one is to KNOW our savior. Not just know the history. When you say to yourself WWJD, we want you to say "I know what Jesus would do...." I know pilgrims reading this are wondering how do you get to know a prophet, a holy ghost, or other terms of endearment for my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. The first step to KNOWING Jesus is also the second part of our two-fold plan to return to greatness my pilgrims.....
The second challenge is to make sure non-believers and confused believers utilize our new tools. We need to make sure that www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-Pay-4-Pray is being utilized spread the message and that these outlets are generating the necessary cash flow that Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) needs in order to sustain this positive momentum.
I have come up with the phrase that will guide us in the future. "RETURN TO PROPHECY" or "RTP" will be the phrase that I want everyone to make decisions by. When you act on behalf of this parish, you will have to say "Is this the proper path to RTP?" and then you can follow it up with another question "WWJD?"
So I challenge everyone in the parish to stand up this new year and accept the challenge getting to KNOW our lord. If he can forgive minions for brutally hanging him from a cross with spikes (Cross wasn't even made from oak. How insulting..), then we can forgive people for far less. So the next time you are sliding your wristband on or sipping from your coffee cup that is branded with WWJD, take a minute and ask YOURSELF what would our savior really do.
Blessed are all who worship me.
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Tonight I come to you regarding our oldest and most trusted means of spreading Jesus's message. We have all heard the slogan "What Would Jesus Do?" or "WWJD." It was a marketing campaign started many years ago by our previous administration. It is still considered a worldwide phenomenon by most accounts. Objects of all shapes and sizes bear this slogan which are decorative and fashionable.
But how are we ensuring that the message is guiding our pilgrims, and not just being a fashion piece on their wrists or a message on a T-shirt? Before we can ask the question "What would Jesus do?" we must ask ourselves whether we know Jesus. Knowing Jesus begins with reading about His life, teachings and claims in the Bible. However, reading the Bible as literature alone only helps us to learn ABOUT Jesus. To truly KNOW Him requires a personal, spiritual relationship with Him. In Revelation 3:20, Jesus says:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me."
So my pilgrims, our challenge for 2010 is two fold for this parish. Number one is to KNOW our savior. Not just know the history. When you say to yourself WWJD, we want you to say "I know what Jesus would do...." I know pilgrims reading this are wondering how do you get to know a prophet, a holy ghost, or other terms of endearment for my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. The first step to KNOWING Jesus is also the second part of our two-fold plan to return to greatness my pilgrims.....
The second challenge is to make sure non-believers and confused believers utilize our new tools. We need to make sure that www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-Pay-4-Pray is being utilized spread the message and that these outlets are generating the necessary cash flow that Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) needs in order to sustain this positive momentum.
I have come up with the phrase that will guide us in the future. "RETURN TO PROPHECY" or "RTP" will be the phrase that I want everyone to make decisions by. When you act on behalf of this parish, you will have to say "Is this the proper path to RTP?" and then you can follow it up with another question "WWJD?"
So I challenge everyone in the parish to stand up this new year and accept the challenge getting to KNOW our lord. If he can forgive minions for brutally hanging him from a cross with spikes (Cross wasn't even made from oak. How insulting..), then we can forgive people for far less. So the next time you are sliding your wristband on or sipping from your coffee cup that is branded with WWJD, take a minute and ask YOURSELF what would our savior really do.
Blessed are all who worship me.
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Jesus is the Man!
Taken outside of the Hard Rock Cafe in Jackson, MS; Jesus Christ was seen posing for the paparazzi. It melts my heart to see that my boss, your savior Jesus Christ is taking his job seriously and becoming more of a people's savior and not a figment of imagination.
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemilius I
Sports Fans
Minions!
I have sent my junior Pope, Pope Benedict to the region of Baton Rouge to help in the recovery from Hurricane Katrina. Since we are in our own economic turmoil, the best solution was to have Pope Benedict cheer for the local college team. Having the Fighting Tigers of LSU win a BCS title will go miles with morale and will ultimately speed up recovery. Here is a picture of Pope Benedict at the LSU/Penn State Bowl game. Unfortunately our boss, your savior Jesus Christ was assisting Joe Paa and his Nittany Lions.
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
I have sent my junior Pope, Pope Benedict to the region of Baton Rouge to help in the recovery from Hurricane Katrina. Since we are in our own economic turmoil, the best solution was to have Pope Benedict cheer for the local college team. Having the Fighting Tigers of LSU win a BCS title will go miles with morale and will ultimately speed up recovery. Here is a picture of Pope Benedict at the LSU/Penn State Bowl game. Unfortunately our boss, your savior Jesus Christ was assisting Joe Paa and his Nittany Lions.
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
