Yo' Dawg - Word to you which passes all human understanding. I am the shepherd and you are my sheep. When a sheep strays from the flock, I go out and find him/her and bring them safely home. Home with me.
I always place extra focus on the lost (but now are found) sheep to make sure we all stay together as a big, happy family. Two parts love, one part hypnosis, one part positive reinforcement and a dash of fear always go a long way. My lost children need some feeding. What part of the trust in me to meet every single need gets lost in translation? I'm awesome and a simple praise me goes a long way to motivating me to provide and care for you. A little, "Thank you sweet baby Jesus" for all the blessings I bestow upon you never hurts, either.
A natural evolutionary law - no one ever bites the hand that feeds them. Never. Only a fool would do such a thing. Why do you think I became ultra popular with the entire fish and bread thing? Who in their right mind throws a GIGANTIC party where thousands of people are smoking out, getting the munchies and no one thought of food? It's like a bunch of monks cruising the red light district after 30+ years being in an intimate relationship by themselves with themselves. Creepy if you ask me. These people needed some serious feeding to satiate their yearning.
The only ones to even think about food was this lesbian couple on a predawn fishing trip. The feminine one had some bread in her backpack. The woman of the house may as well have been fishing in the dead sea. Seriously, all she caught was a few sickly fish? I decided to work some magic and multiply the food to feed the party goers. As my mortal momma always said, "Free food tastes the best!" Boy oh Boy - she was right about that!
After feeding the folks at the party, me and my movement went completely viral - facebook, twitter, myspace and the media exploded making me bigger than Elvis. Everyone loved me. I was an instant celebrity - you'd think I could walk on water or something.
My movement spread like a blazing forest fire. I wanted to capitalize on the attention and bring the people together. I started prototyping the early corporate owned churches - really focusing not only on product but, on the complete Jesus! experience. The next thing, we started franchising and growing faster than Starbucks. It was a way to focus the buzz and create neighborhood hangouts. Places "where everybody knows your name." Next thing I know, the patrons set out on a love crusade to recruit more and more members to my little club. We go public and the rest is history.
Look how far we've come in such a long time!
Love, Jesus
President, CEO and Chairman
Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)
Showing posts with label Magic Tricks. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Magic Tricks. Show all posts
Friday, March 12, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
We've Arrived
Hello All - Satan and I arrived in Las Vegas very early this morning after taking a red-eye. Of course, we took Spirit Airlines. I don't know what it is with being me. We bought the least expensive tickets... When we checked in they upgraded us to first class. I wish to hang out with the salt of the Earth - not the snobs with money. My people had a bad experience with Pharaoh's type.
We preboard the airplane because we don't want to cause a stir. I ask to see the Bible in the service kit so I could sign it. The lovely flight attendant said Bibles were included in the service kit back in the day. However, with all the airlines doing this cost cutting, the bible has gone the way of the olive. It seems to me having a Bible on a tube of metal shooting through the sky at some 500 mile per hour would be important. Especially because 99.9% of crashes result in the death of everyone on board. Ah well - more people come home early that way.
So, we blessed the plane and all the people in it. Had a group prayer. Since I was on board, the cabin service included unleavened bread and wine. Someone said they wanted water instead of wine. The flight attendant obliged. As soon as the passenger put the water to their lips, *SHAZAM* and I turned it to wine. She chocked in it and was like, "what the hell?" Satan and I always laugh at that one. The flight attendant says to me, "If you need anything, my name is Susan." Then I reply, "If I don't need anything, what do I call you?" She just looked at me.
We also had a mile high communion service - That's one for the scrap book.
Finally we make it to Vegas.
We preboard the airplane because we don't want to cause a stir. I ask to see the Bible in the service kit so I could sign it. The lovely flight attendant said Bibles were included in the service kit back in the day. However, with all the airlines doing this cost cutting, the bible has gone the way of the olive. It seems to me having a Bible on a tube of metal shooting through the sky at some 500 mile per hour would be important. Especially because 99.9% of crashes result in the death of everyone on board. Ah well - more people come home early that way.
So, we blessed the plane and all the people in it. Had a group prayer. Since I was on board, the cabin service included unleavened bread and wine. Someone said they wanted water instead of wine. The flight attendant obliged. As soon as the passenger put the water to their lips, *SHAZAM* and I turned it to wine. She chocked in it and was like, "what the hell?" Satan and I always laugh at that one. The flight attendant says to me, "If you need anything, my name is Susan." Then I reply, "If I don't need anything, what do I call you?" She just looked at me.
We also had a mile high communion service - That's one for the scrap book.
Finally we make it to Vegas.
Friday, January 29, 2010
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