Katy and I came up with a plan for Lindsay

Dear Believers - Katy and I went on a quick overnight to focus on each other.  Think of it as a mini-retreat. But, the strangest thing happened.  Instead of focusing on each other something magical happened.

I was sharing my concerns for Lohan when Katy said she's thought the same thing about Lohan ever since she fell from grace.  See - I told you Katy and I were meant for each other.  We are on the same page on so many different things.  It's almost like we're two volumes of the same book.  Cut from the same tree.

Less I digress...

While sharing our feelings, we put our heads together and came up with a plan.  Katy has befriended Lohan and after a night of partying we do an intervention.  You see, the image Katy portrays on the outside is a bit out there for most believers - a little too reckless and unreserved.  Let me assure you, at her core she is clean and pure.  A beautiful soul and a good looker to boot.

At first we're gonna have to cover up Katy's tattoo with makeup so it isn't too obvious we're up to something.  They hang out together, run around being all crazy, hitting the hollywood party scene.  This is a quick way to build trust - by sharing common interests.

We let Lohan get out of control to the point she hits rock bottom.  While she's at the bottom, we  swoop in and run an intervention. Dear Katy brings Lohan to an undisclosed location, very close to heaven.  They enter my secret chamber.  I'm hiding behind a curtain careful not to make a peep or movement.  Kinda like playing hide and seek.

Katy executes our standard intervention and starts out with how she has this amazing friend that accepts her for who she is, see's the good in everything and provides never ending support.  In a way, Katy is witnessing and ministering to dear Lohan.  It fills my heart to the point I start tearing up.

Just as Katy says the part about never ending support, I lower the lights and turn on the fan.  A gentle breeze blows in the chamber.  I get on my microphone and say, "Dearest Lindsay....  It's me, Jesus."  She freaks out like she always does and starts crying.  "Fear not child, for I love you.  I always have and always will.  Accept me as your lord and savior, ask for forgiveness and I'll make you shiny and new.  I'll take your sins as far away as the east is from the west."

Katy takes Lindsay by the hand and they turn towards each other.  Katy starts up with how amazing I am and how our relationship just rocks.  It's healthy and pure.  Two souls finding their ideal mates...  Yadayadayada.

Then, I slowly move from behind the curtain and sneak up right behind Lohan.  Katy  says something about feeling my strength during difficult times.  I  gently place my hands on Lindsay's shoulders.  She  turns and looks.  I slide my way between Katy and Lindsay and we share a group hug.

Tears are flowing, hugs are strong and passionate.  We're crying at the same time.  I gently turn and Katy  turns Lohan to me.  "Dear Lindsay, are you finally ready to be healed.  Are you finally ready to have a relationship with me?"  Lindsay is still teared up.  She's a little nervous and her hands are shaking.  I take her hands as we stand face to face.  She looks at me tears running down her face as she's crying and stuttering"y-y-y-yes."  She moves into an all out cryfest yelling "Yes.  Yes. YES...  I am ready.  Calgon take me away."

Not quite the response I was looking for - but I'll take what I can get.

Then, we all hug again and take her to the prayer room and visit for a while to tell her all about the great things she just won.  Katy starts the water in our immersion tank, adds some magic bubble bath and we take a group bath.

And now, I have two goddesses.

Love, Jesus! aka, Mr. Adonis.

Oh Me Oh My - Hello.... I've found true love!

Oh My Me...  I think I've died and gone to heaven.  Oh, wait...  Anyway, I think I'm in Love and you're never gonna believe with who...  Three guesses and the first two don't count.  I'll give you a hint - Fireworks!  Yeah, I think I've got a huge crush on Katy Perry.  You read right - Katy Perry!  Her videos are so awesome.  Check out the one below....


Katy Perry - Firework | Official Video by Musickoliq

I really enjoy the use of pyrotechnics and whip cream (See California Girls) to create an erotic fantasy wonderland.  She uses her feminine woos with a kinky, wild side.  She get's me going places I never thought I could go.  Serenity Now.  Serenity Now.  I need a cigarette.

Do you think it'd be wrong to break up with Mary Magdalene via today's daily devotional?  "Mary - We've had a lot of fun together, but... I think we... should... see other people."   Yeah, I could go on and on about how it is me and not you.  But, let's face it, any break up is always about the other person.  So, dear Mary - use this as an opportunity to work on yourself.  Get it together.  MMMmkay...  B'Bye.

Now that I got that out of the way...

I could talk about her upbringing with a bible thumping parents wanting to write a book about christian kids gone wild (I personally think a video series would work better).  I could bring up her experience in a JesusCamp.  I could talk about her great awakening (as obvious by her sexual freedom) to a direct relationship with her Daddy, er, I mean me. See she's so free she understands the brotherhood of the priesthood terribly misuses their affiliation with me.  Same with the Modern Woodmen of America and their investment products.  Jose' and JoseB and I never endorsed insurance, investments or any of the portfolio garbage they've been spewing for years.

So all these thoughts about Dear Katy racing through my mind....  Do you know what really turns me on?  The tattoo she has on her left wrist.  She had my name tattoo'd on her wrist so she can see it and be reminded of me while she plays her guitar.  How awesome is that?!?!  I'm feeling some serious love.  Does your lady friend have your name tattoo'd on any part of her body, much less a part that's visible in public?  Exactly.

Another thing so beautiful about Dear Katy is she embraces who she is and our relationship and how all the pieces in the puzzle come together to form something completely pure and beautiful.  She completes me and I complete her.  She gets me.  I get her.  She gets the fact I am not some kind of mean, old tyrant the old testament wants you to think I am.  Remember, the bible was written by man and changed throughout time to take power from the poor and give it to the rich.  Behavior modification.  Aawww.  I get so irritated when I think about how my simple self help guide to successful started out as a 100 page book and has been twisted into this epic work of pure garbage....

Katy and I will be rehearsing a duet to sing at her next concert.  While we haven't made any videos of our rehearsal, I'll offer you the original, from John Denver.  The keeper of love and the environment for an entire generation.  Too bad he crashed his airplane trying to see heaven.  If only he would have signed up for a confidential tour of Heaven, the greatest place on Earth, before taking matters into his own hands.  I miss brother John.

Less I digress....

Here's a video of Perhaps Love:



So...  When you're looking for a relationship with a person of your affection, I hope you find someone pure and true.  Something that makes you feel alive.  Someone who sees the best in you when others don't.  Find someone who loves you as much as I do.  These are the things I wish for you.

Love, Jesus.

PS - Some moron saw me at Jack in the Box earlier today and says, "Yo, Jesse - what up bro?"  I took my milkshake, poured it on his head and walked out.  Idiot.

I had a different plan and led him in another direction?!?!

So...  Get this...  A member of the brotherhood of the priesthood (we'll call him 'the friar') had a refrigerator malfunction at the parsonage.  Poor ventilation restricted the flow of the air used to cool the compressor causing it to overheat.  It smelled really bad and caused concern to his fellow residents.

So, The Friar decided to call the maytag repairman.  Not pleased with the result of the conversation to repair the fridge, I led him down another path...  to Appliance Direct?



Let me be the first to tell you - that's not how the story goes.  As a matter of fact, I'm a bit disgusted with our misguided friar manipulating me and my message.  I didn't lead the friar down another path - the almighty dollar lead him down another path.  And I'm upset about it.

So here I've got this clown doing my work, asking my people to give him money to support his franchise and he turns around, gives them the shaft and goes out and buys a new appliance.

Let's look at this from a pragmatic perspective.  If the friar would be listening to me, he would have gone with his gut instinct of having the failed appliance restored all shiny and new.  That's what I do - make things shiny and new again.  I don't tell people to go out and buy a new soul, do I?

 Less I digress..

The friar fails to understand that I was using Him to answer the prayers of another.  Friarboy is supposed to be the vessel I use to accomplish the work I set out to do in his territory.  The friar is charged with acting on my behalf in the best interest of others - not to hisself.  That's the contract he signed as part of his franchise agreement.  As a member of the brotherhood of the priesthood, the friar should have gladly spent my people's treasure to help a brother out.  Times are tough.  I am ashamed.  My heart weeps.

Now I have to do double duty and figure out how to again answer the maytag man's prayer because the friar botched the job.  I hate doing things twice.  Remember in the wood shop?  We measured twice and cut once.  It works just as well today as it did yesterday.

I hope he sees the error of his ways.  One more move like this and I'll see to it that his franchise agreement is dissolved.  Kapeesh?

Now, let me hit the peyote and watch my lava lamp do all kinds of crazy things.  It relaxes me and makes me happy.  Like sunshine.  On my shoulder.

Peace out yo - J-Dawg.

PS - People beginning their faith walk with me are gullible and confused.  They think doing things for the friar gets them a free ticket to ride on the heaven express.  NOT.  As I've always said, the only way to get into heaven is to accept me as your lord and savior.  I've always said, a direct relationship is the best kind of relationship.  Eliminate the middle man and start doing business with the one and only.  The alpha and the amigo.

Love, Jesus.