Which came first?

Yo Heathens - What up yo?

What came first?  The shovel or the flame?

I was cruising the Hotrod Godrod - remember this?  I still enjoy driving this beast as much as the day I bought it.

So anyway, with my birthday drawing nearer and nearer every day, traffic if absolutely horrible.  Why are you people driving around right now?  You should be contemplating the miracle of my immaculate deception conception.  This little wife's tale is the start of my two part stage production making our little club possible.

Less I digress....

So, I'm trying to get home.  Dudes and dudettes, there is nothing better than driving a car with catlike reflexes doing everything I demand of it.  You people could learn a thing or two from my car...

Less I digress...  part deux...

Back to my story... I'm stuck in this slow moving traffic with limited opportunities to rapidly advance myself...   This traffic was like molasses...

Less I digress... 3x a charm?

Anyway, I see an opportunity in the right hand lane to break out.  I lane change, followed by another lane change to the merge on/off lane.  Finally, the Godrod sings like Handel's famous Messiah chorus..  Whoa.  I gotta get back in the right lane because I don't want to exit...  And I do this the next merge lane/exit, too.  I look up and I realize why traffic is going so slow.  It's a funeral procession.  That explains why they were going so slow with their flashers on.  First, I thought it was a bunch of retards playing follow the leader while driving...

Then I realized something...  Just because these people are transporting a dead body doesn't mean they should make the rest of us to want to go kill someone else.  Jesus Christ....  Oh, wait...  That's me.  Take a back road next time...

Anyway, Less I digress...  If less than four, it's a bore...

I blow up the feeder road and jump out in front of them, waiving my hand outside my sunroof.  See ya, suckers....

Which got me thinking...  Who and why did the mortals decide to dig a hole, drop in a body, cover it up and let it forever rot in the ground?  Seriously? I bet it's something those crazy catholicks came up with to make money while they hittin' the bong.  They're worse than me when it comes to finding money making opportunities...

Then I got to thinking, why not set the body on fire and burn it up cremation style?

Trust me, when you're dead, you're never gonna want or need that tired, worn out vessel you've been carrying your soul in for all these years.  It's used up.  Tattered and torn.  It's garbage.  For what it's worth, I hear dead bodies make a terrific addition to your composting bins....

Less I digress..  Five Alive?

You're done with your body.  Do you think someday you'll be called up and all this rotted compost is gonna come swirling around to re-create your body?  When you die, your soul returns to it's essence of a spiritual energy.  You've had your time on Earth.  Hopefully, you learned something while here...

Less I digress...  Six?  Am I playing tricks?

I'm here to tell you cremation is The Way of the future.  It's quick, easy and doesn't make a mess.  It takes up a lot less space...  Plus, if you're ever in a bind, it makes terrific kitty litter.

Less I digress...  Seven!  Does anything rhyme with 7?

The idea of closure?  What? Put the dead guy in a box, close  the lid and bury it.  Is that your idea of closure?  And have a place to visit like Disneyland or Graceland to mourn your loss?  Really?

Cremation is more like a souvenir.  A precious souvenir from their time here on Earth.  Depending on how big the person was, there could be urns of ash to give to friends or sell on eBay....

Whatever...

You could make mini keychain urns so you can take your loved on with you wherever you go.  Instead of visiting Disneyland, you can take them to Disneyland.

Less I digress...  8!?!?  This is GREAT!

If you're poor, er, I mean economically challenged and living on foodstamps, medicaid and unemployment, instead of bawling an urn, a garbage can works just as well.  You don't really need anything fancy....

Bottom line is this...  When you're gone, you're gone.  Cryogenics is a crock.  Some say you come home to me.  Homecoming in heaven - the best place on Earth.  Space is limited.  One of our friendly sales reps are standing by at your local house of worship for details.  Or, if you're more comfortable you can always call 1800-PAY-4-PRAY.

Less I digress...  9 is fine.  That's what she said...

Back to my original question.  What came first?  The shovel or the flame?  Duh...  the shovel...

Word out - J.E.S.U.S.  and that spells JESUS!

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Is it me or does this guy scare the living daylights out of you?  Man, he gives me the willies....  Ew.

Monks Rock!

Brother and Sisters in Me - I bring you greetings with the sign of the cross as my birthday draws near.  I love this time of year because the world rotates around me.

Did you know the world rotates around me two times a year?  Christmas and Easter.  The folks attending my house those two days are called Cheasters...

Anyway, Less I digress..

Check out this little movie I shot with my GodPhone:



That's me belly laughing and yelling like a crazed hyena...  Less I digress...  again...

How awesome is this?  The monks found a way to sing one of my favorite old-school festival hymns without technically breaking their silence.  They chose this life of stupidity  discipline to do my work...  My question was how they manage to do my work without talking...  Today, my question was answered.  They used their creative gifts and talents to work a miracle...  Isn't that awesome?

What are you doing with the creative gifts and talents I gave you?

Love, The Reason for the Season!

Are you a sinner or a perfect knock off of me?

Heathens - Today, I challenge you.  I challenge you with this daily devotion - take some time to reflect over today's message straight from the Father's mouth.  The buck stops here, yo.

You are not evil sinners or perfect imitations of me.  I made you knowing you were flawed, sometimes fatally so.  The thing I find interesting about you mortals is this - you let the world dictate your identity.  Saint or sinner.  Sane or crazy.  Hero, villain or victim.  Good parent or loving child.  You treat others the way I treat you - both the good and the bad.

To tell you the truth, I don't care about any of that.  I accept you for who you are - why wouldn't I?  I created you - I made you from nothing.  I poured my heart and soul into your being. If you don't like something about yourself, do something to change it.  See - if I gave you my all, I acknowledge my flaws for they are in you.

Did you hear me?  My flaws are in you.

Doesn't that blow your mind?

Less I digress...

I accept you as you are because I accept me for who I am.  Save yourselves lots of money and years of therapy to discover your problems other's have used to label you.

Use your money for something more important - I still have slots available in my Heaven time share program.  My staff and I are as committed as ever to keeping Heaven the best place on Earth.  Jesus Inc. has tons of wonderful products to enhance your relationship with me.  I have a birthday special going on right now...  All puppets are half off.  Get it?  They're just torsos...

For the little one's, we just launched finger puppets...



Please don't take advantage of any five finger discounts.

Less I digress...  Again....

My motto is this:  Come as you are or don't come at all.  Seriously.  Everyone is welcome in my house - I have tons of them all over the world.  There's a location near you.

Decide for yourself.

While you're at it...  Be yourself and love yourself.  Trust me.  It's good for the soul.  I should know, I  do it each and every day.

Your friend and life coach -

Jesus Christ
The only son of God
Founder and CEO, Jesus Inc.

PS - And, there's one more thing.  Don't believe all the crap written in the bible about me judging you.  It was written by your fellow mortals to control you and shape you into perfect little rectangles in a multitude of sizes and colors.  Just like Legos.  Why?  To turn you into just another brick in the wall.

PPS - Do you know what I find to be most sad?  "They've" been feeding you crap for over 2000 years.  What's worse?  You've been eating it.

PPSS - Why go out and eat a burger when you can stay home and have a steak? My point exactly....

Love, J-Dawg the Hot Dog!

Celebrity Deaths

Hello Mortals - You know what I look forward to?  The next time I decide to take one of your celebrities from their life on Earth and put them in purgatory for a couple days.  What gets me is these people are just people I put on this planet to entertain you.  You make the choice to put them on a pedestal and worship them.  Sometimes you put them above me.  While I'm not exactly thrilled with this,  it's one of the many flaws I gave you when constructing your personalities...  Of course, I forgive these sins of worshiping others above me - it's what I do.

Less I digress...

Have you noticed how celebrities die in groups of three.  Like triplets?  Do you know why that happens?  Because me and Satan are having game night.  When we play tic-tac-toe and I win, three people die.  One for each x in the winning line.  Why do I always play x?  Because back in the day, an x stood for a kiss; make that the kiss of death.  You know, people would kiss a piece of paper on the x.  In contemporary times, the x marks the place on a legal document where one's signature is required to execute the document or hold one accountable to the agreement contained therein.  Plus, X always marks the spot.

Notice how there are these long drought without a celebrity being called home?  It could be for a couple reasons...  Satan and I keep ending with a draw - often times this is the case - both of us have been playing tic-tac-toe for a very long time and one of us has to be playing less than our a game to arrive with a winner.  Keep in mind we're as old as time - and we've been playing cheap parlor games at least that long....  Sometimes one of us is out for business meetings or vacation.  Sometimes I'm mad at him and don't let him come over for game night - he can be a butt.

You know what else I like?  The media attention.  I love to see funeral processions on television.  It's like a parade - and I LOVE a parade.  I enjoy seeing all the gifts of flowers, the notes taped to fences, the tears being shed.  My personal favorite is the "We will always remember" home made posters.  If you mortals really want to score points with me, use florescent colors and big balloon letters with glitter.  I have a fetish for shiny things that I can read from way up high.


Less I digress again...

So...  I haven't had anyone get killed in a skiing accident since Sonny (from Sonny and Cher).  I think I'll pluck one that way...  Death by natural cause is a perennial favorite - I usually reserve that one for crusty politicians.  And finally - how about something catastrophic like a shooting or stabbing?  I think I'll skip that one.  Last time i did that, we got stuck hearing about John Lennon for like ever...  Shootings and stabbings make for great heros and recovery story.  Those always restore a sense of triumph to the collective human spirit.

Let me think...  Ahhah!  I got it!  Time to try something new...  How about a suicide while in celebrity rehab?  Hey Lohan - knock knock knock...  It's me at your door - time's a tickin'...

Your twisted savior - J-Dawg.

PS - Happy Birthday to ghost writer.  He turned 40 today.  I love you man....