Way bad idea....

JESUS!  Even I can't help to yell my name after trying to watch all 40,000,000 video taped church services at once.  It started out as a great idea.  I'd be able to get a good grasp on what exactly goes on during my franchise televised worship services.  I sit in my lazy boy recliner.  Put on the techno-helmet, got it all wired up.  I look at my staff and say, "Here goes nothing.  Roll on Two."  The switch is flipped and my life is forever changed:

>

It was terrible.  For a blip of a second I saw the entire world.  My brain couldn't handle all the simultaneously stimulation....  The voices, the colors, the sounds all at once BANG!  Almost immediately I couldn't handle it.  My hair started to fry and the shocks began surging through my entire body.  The pain...  The smell..  It was so powerful I trembled...  Someone make it stop....  Make it stop now...  TzzzTzzTzzz.. Shock. Shock...  It keeps going and going until I can barely stand it.

The smell of electricity combined with burnt hair and skin.  It was awful...  Smoke is everywhere.  And after what seemed like eternity with all this stimulation ends....

It's a good thing I'm like Morris the cat and I got me some 9 lives going on.

Note to self:  Some of my franchise organizations are, without a doubt, doing some amazing things.  Others, not so much.  Combine all of them together and I bet they are doing a pretty mediocre job.  What are you gonna do?  On an economy of scale, quality is always compromised as production increases.  Explains why handbuilt cars like Ferraris, Rolls Royces and Bentleys are so me awful expensive.

And I say it again, please get rid of the middle man.  The best kind of relationship is a direct relationship.

Yours like Fried Chick'n - Love, Jesus.

Sunday's Experiment

Hello Me Lovers -

So, I'm up late tonight.  Brainstorming on ways to find out what really goes on in my neighborhood places of worship aka -- churches.  There's a ton of them.  For some reason, closing a church is a lot like letting one of the big 3 automakers go out of business.  Or, one of the investment bankers.  Simply put, my organization is just too big to let fail.  So, we have some really good churches...  Some really bad churches...  Some churches showing promise and some that should be burned to the ground.  But, church burning is considered politically wrong for some reason.  Getting rid of a bad church is like firing a union worker...  Oh wait...

I've come up with this grand idea.  Are you ready?  I'm taking quality control to the next level.

How'z it going to work?

I am going to buy 10,000,000 (yes, that's ten million) dvr's.  You know, the good ones that record 4 shows at a time in one room.... And I'm going to daisy chain them together so I can tape 40,000,000 church services on Sunday morning all at the same time.  That way I can see what the brotherhood of the priesthood is doing.  What I'm looking at doing is creating a common pool of best practices and taking out the trash...  We'll call it a resource center....  Less I digress...

Mary and I were sitting together and she asks me how I am going to watch all these church services - with 40 million of them to watch, this could take at least 40 million hours.  She may have touched on a logistical problem....  So, I've done some research....

I am going to get loaded.  Once I'm lit, I am going to take the feed from all my DVR players and consolidate them into one mega-feed and I'm going to watch every single service at the same time.  It's the ultimate multi-tasking exercise.  Obviously I am good at it... I hear most of your prayers....

Less I digress...

So, I am going to have the mega feed and it's going to get fed into my mega brain through a special mega helmet that will deliver the content ALL AT THE SAME TIME.

This is going to be mind blowing.   I'll let you know how it goes.

Eternally Yours - Jesus

Gate pass to heaven?

My servants - Part of being CEO of Jesus, Inc. is to understand every aspect of my business.  Part of gaining my understanding and also the respect of my team members is to be able to do their job.  If the CEO understands and can do what the front liners do, the organization is much stronger.  It also makes me more accessible as a boss.  Have you seen "Undercover Boss?"  Yeah, they stole that from me....

This week, I decided to relieve St. Peter and monitor the pearly gates to Heaven, "the greatest place on Earth."  I figure how hard could it be?  It's a members only thing.  Kinda like Disney's club 33.  I know who gets in and who doesn't.  I can look at someone and tell you if they've accepted me as their lord and savior.  This isn't rocket science...  Less I digress....

I'm sitting there in my security booth drinking a cup of Joe.  People can either walk up, buzz in or badge in.  I'm playing with the gate to make sure I know how it works - raising and lowering the gate with a push of "the button."  I swear to me it's like a little kid discovering an electric window in a car.  Up! Down!  Up! Down!  UPDOWNUPDOWNUPDOWNUP.  Oops.  I left it up.  Pushing the button restores heaven's security.  This is fun!

Someone comes up wanting to get in, I look at them and push the button.  I bet Peter feels like a bigshot.  This one guy comes up to the window.  I look at him blankly and blurt out, "Password?"  This puzzled look appears on his face and he starts to think.  Ticktockticktock.  Dude - this isn't Jeopardy. Alex Trebeck would have died by now.  The guy timidly blurts out, "Forgiven?!?"  I'm like-Wrong.  Next please.  He starts to cry.  I slyly look at him and say, gotcha.  Press the button and let him in.  His face lights up and he merrily skips home.

Then this one guy walks up stating he wants a gate pass to visit one of his friends, "Mr. Sieber."  I'm like, whoa man.  Let me see if you're on the list.  "Sir, you are not on the list.  I can not let you in." "What do you mean you can't let me in?  I've got to meet Mr. Sieber and if I don't get to see him, he will be very upset."  "I'm sorry sir, I can not issue you a gate pass."  This guy starts huffing and puffing - going off like a cannon ball.  He says, listen here, I've got to see Mr. Sieber or else I'm in trouble.  I respond, "Have you accepted me as your lord and savior?"  "No."  "What do you mean no?  The only way to get into heaven is to accept me as your lord and savior."  He says, "Look, I just want to see my friend."  "Ain't gonna happen unless you ask forgiveness for ALL your sins, and I can tell there are a lot of them, and accept me as your lord and savior."  He responds, "Look, let me have a pass to see Mr. Sieber and I'll look around and let you know when I'm ready to leave."

Excuse me? You can't come in and take a tour before deciding if you want to be a member of my little club.  The only way you're getting in is if your serious about having a direct relationship with me and accept me as your lord and savior.  No posers allowed.  The nerve of this guy.  I just look at him and say, "Get out."  He stands there - like something is going to change.  Again I say, "Get out."  He looks at me and still not moving.

I look down at the console in the security booth.  There's this big red button just right of the control panel.  I never noticed it before.  I wonder what it does.  I look at the man.  I look down at the button.  I look back up at the man.  I figure what the heck.  I push the button.  All of a sudden the bottom falls out of the floor and this guy is gone.  It was almost like flushing a turd down the toilet.

See ya sucker.

Kiss Me! I'm Irish

The greatest thing about March 17 is getting to be Irish for a day.  I can shed the Jewish thing.  I can skip being Mexican for a day.  All for the one day of getting to be Irish and have green beer flowing through my veins.  Heck, we can even have communion with green beer and pretzels if you like.  How fun is that?

Less I digress -

So, since March 17th fell on Thursday this year, I couldn't decide weather to celebrate the weekend before or the weekend after.  After careful thought and deliberation, I started celebrating last weekend.  I traveled to Boston to celebrate...  They got tons of Irishmen and women up there...

I walk in and everyone yells "Geeez!"  And Woody looks up and says, "How'z it going Mr. Christ."  "It's a dog eat dog world and I'm wearing milk bone underwear."  I mosey over to a stool in the corner and Sammy draws me a green beer.  Is it me or does it taste kinda funny?

The next I see is a yellow dog school bus pull up.  All these college kids wearing green coming pouring out of the bus, congregating in the lot.  The kids are wearing all kinds of crazy green.  Shirt, hair color, tights, jewelry, belts - the works.  My personal favorite are the green afro wigs and the green leprechaun hats - especially the ones with glitter.  Remember, I like shiny things.  Less I digress.

The youngin's come strolling in and coach has this totally bewildered look.  He has no clue.  He never has a clue.  Anyways...  They come in and order more drinks than I can count.  Someone recognizes me and says, "It's JESUS!"  I rise from my stool to survey they crowd.  This is the start to a banging party....

Someone lights a bong - I'm there...  We're passing it around getting baked.  Someone spills a bear on the floor.  Major foul.  I look around and say, "Have no fears - for I am here to comfort you."  I look down at the spilt beer and nod my head back and fourth.  What a tragedy.  I think to myself - I'm gonna turn this around.  One of my favorite party tricks - I walk on the spilt beer.  People start cheering.  Next thing someone puts a quarter in the jukebox and Sammy lowers the lights.  Conga line in Cheers.  The bong is being passed up and down the line.  Everyone is feeling so good.

We're lit.  We got the munchies and Cheers runs out of pretzels and popcorn...  WTH?  Someone suggests we go down the street to Moe's.  Someone gets this crazy idea to pick me up and carry me to the bus - we loaded up and headed to Moe's.  It was loud and obnoxious.  Suddenly my chilrin are singing songs....

"Jesus loves me this I know for the bible tells me so.  Yes, Jesus Loves Me, Yes Jesus loves you."  It is a glorious chorus of slurred words...  Next they start up with the "What a friend we have in Jesus."  I love it when drunk partyers get out of control....  Having a great time.

Next thing you know, I'm sitting in the bus and start to feel mighty queezy.  I think it was the cheesesteak and chowda mishmash I had for lunch....  All of a sudden, it all comes up...  Like projectile vomiting.  The technicolor rainbow.  I'm hacking and gagging.  Starting to dry heave.   Suddenly the bus is silent with the chilren look at me with this mystified looking of horror.  No more singing...  No more laughing. No more carousing.  THis is awkward.

I hear the girl in front of me crying.  I look over the seatback.  She's got vomit in her hair.  Oh geez.  That was me...  Major party foul...  What I was really hoping to do was show her me lucky charms.

THe bus pulls over and I'm booted out the back door...  I manage my way to the curb.  I sit and I reflect. What a mess....  I see a piece of cardboard leaned up against the telephone pole a few yards back.  I look at the sign and sigh...

I hold up the sign.  It reads "Kiss me I'm Irish."  I'm walking my corner with a plastic solo cup hitting people up for donations.  Someone drops measly pocket change in my cup.  What has the world come to?  Can you at least give me some food to help me sober up?

Until next time.... - Jesus.

What would Jesus buy? / Tsunami made in Japan

I can't believe I missed this.  A wiseguy decided to make a mockumentary about me called, "What would Jesus Buy?"  What difference does it make?  Apparently it makes a huge difference.  Why?  Because everyone wants to be like me.  The brainwashing the brotherhood of the priesthood delivers inspires the mortals to live a Godly life.  Whatever.  There are so many things the brotherhood is clueless about my life.

Through my real-life writings and devotionals, I hope you have gained insight into me.  I'm a dude just like you with two exceptions:  I am ruler of the world and I have super-hero whiz kid powers.

Go ahead - Try to live a life like mine.  Live life in the fast lane.  I got tiger blood flowing through my veins.  Adonis DNA.  I crack 7 gram rocks during parties.  I am the alpha and the omega.  Less I digress...

So the question becomes, "What does Jesus buy?"

Well - I have a fetish for perfection and design.  Brother Jobe's and I have much in common.  His hardware goes great with his software making me an apple man.  Duh?  Remember Eve's apple - do you think it was an accident she tempted Adam with such luscious fruit?  Nope.  I always like my women just like my cars - FAST!  Even my razor is fast - the Gillette Mach 3.  You get the idea.

For my food, I try to go 100% organic.  Try is the optimal word.  Sometimes there is nothing better than eating a highly processed sugar treat in a plastic wrapper.  MMMmmmm....  Ding Dongs are among my favorite.  Love the creme filling.  That's what she said....  Oops.

Kind to think of it - what difference does it make what I buy.  Think for yourselves and draw your own conclusions.  Think people.  THINK.

And, if you can't think for yourselves there is always mass marketing and media to sway your opinion.  Obviously, people want to be like me are easy to manipulate.  How else do you explain doing whatever the brotherhood of the priesthood convinces you to do in order to have a relationship with me?

Mindless drones.  I didn't create you to mindlessly follow.  I created you to dream big dreams.  I gave you superior intellect - except for the one's who got the left-overs - like retards, for example.  Anyway....

Who cares what I buy.  Buy what you want.  Please try to be organic, recycled, green and leave a small carbon footprint.  All this trash is making it very difficult for me to find an environmental engineer competent enough to manage Project Earth's complex ecosystem.

BTW, Since Mother Nature was fired I've been doing the intern thing to see if the candidates have what it takes to manage Project Earth.  Obviously not.  On behalf of Jesus! Inc., I would like to apologize for the earthquake and tsunami in Japan.

To quote my good friend Donald Trump, "You're fired."  I love calling one of my under performing team members into my conference room and reviewing their performance.  I look at them and give them the "You're Fired." line.  With my elbow sitting on the table, I rase my forearm.  I make a little bird beak with my thumb, pointer and middle fingers and I give a jab while I blurt out "You're fired."  It gives the statement a gusto.  Makes it more poignant.  I love that word.  It's hard to spell.  Make me look smart.  Oh wait, I am smart.

Piece Out Yo - J-Man128.

Ash Wednesday - Starting your twisted 40 days of lint?

Grace which passes all of your understanding.

I'm wondering around New Hope and begin to notice all these people with black smudges on their foreheads.  What's going on?  At any rate - the mortals get off to wearing the sign of the cross made with ash finger paints.  Whatever...  They could at least use other colors besides black.  How about something cool, like glow in the dark paints so you can see them at night, too?

Less I digress...

The best part about today is 40 days until ChristFest 2011.  Rock it baby.  Bigger, badder, more incredible.  It's gonna be awesome.

According to pagan tradition, the mortals are to be giving up something for lint.  I hate lint.  When it's in my pockets and sticks to everything.  Awkward.

So...  I think the pagans and mortals forget I am the God of abundance.  You should not be giving something up be closer to me.  What is really happening is club catlick is trying to slowly and subconsciously wear you down to take advantage of you.  Get you roped in to either giving something you don't want to give me in the first place (I call that stealing) or making you do something which might make you uncomfortable.  Those catlicks seem to have a problem with taking advantage of mortals.

Let's see - I had all kinds of good ideas for today's devotion while cruising the GodRod.  I come home to the GodCave and I'm wiped.

I really hate it when this time of year roles around.  We get the casual club members suddenly doing whole body immersion into my movement trying to level up their standing in the game of life.  Yo...  Your casual relationship with me is the equivalent of being a cat on the prowl.  Seriously. I am not some cheap whore you can throw away after 30 minutes of fun....  Let's take some time to get to know each other.  Let's play baseball. On my terms.  There's no home run until I'm ready to make an error.  Got that?

I don't want to hear from you unless you're willing to commit to a relationship with me.  There's one thing I can guarantee.  When we've spent a lifetime together, the happy ending is well worth it.  Too bad it'll only cost you your life....   And signing a contract to join Heaven's Time Share - It's the greatest place on Earth...

Sorry for the mish-mash...

Love - Your on and only. - J

P.S. - Here's proof  positive that Club Catlick's Pontiff is a TROLL!

PPS - Brother Sheen ain't got jack on me.  I wish he'd stop stealing my schtick.

Love, Mr. Adonis DNA aka JESUS!

PPSS - I can't wait to trip with my 7 gram rock.  That's how I roll MOFOS.

Peace Out - Mr. Radical Adonis aka JESUS!