Azazel here.
As part of my new role in Jesus Inc., I have been asked to help in the marketing of Jesus and his image. Anything and everything that will help Jesus get his presence out into the world in a more "hip" way. Yes I know his mug is all over every christian church on the planet, but lately, not a lot of people are going INTO those churches. So we need new ways of reaching the people. The popester has already introduced the new TV show "Pope My Ride" and that is awesome. So I knew going into this venture that I had to bring something big to the table.
I started thinking of things that I used to do to turn people AGAINST Jesus. I was pretty successful so I thought I could use that strategy in reverse. Then it came to me. Children! I used to mess with every kid from the moment they could walk all the way through high school. Puberty was a HUGE time for me to get new recruits. I mean think about it. Kids are so easily influenced and all I had to do was mess with a few blockbuster movies or a few music albums, and they were mine. You remember the whole Beatles controversy? The one where people thought you could hear "Paul is dead" when you played the record backwards? Yeah, I loved that story. So I stole the idea. If you were able to rewind a dvd with sound, try doing it with any Barney episode and see what you find. Man there is some sick stuff being said!
I am rambling a bit so I will get on with it. In lieu of my new role as a "good guy", I would like to unveil a new line of kid's toys that are sure to help bring the kiddies to Jesus. I give you...G.I. Jesus
This is just the first step to bringing Jesus back into the lives of all mankind.
Peace be in you. Or however it goes. Hey, I'm new here, give me a break!
Saturday, January 30, 2010
God's Power is on YOUR side?
Believers - As always, my inbox is flooded with prayer requests - both in written form and transcriptions from those thought and said during your medicative meditative prayer time. If I heard them every single one of them, I would go nuts. Remember when I let Bruce Nolan be me for a week?
Whenever it got quiet, he would go absolutely bonkers hearing all the prayer requests. The same thing happens to me. I'm a busy man and to be blunt about it, I don't have time to hear or answer all your prayers. Some say I answer each and every prayer. Sometimes the answer is, "No." Well, that's not exactly true. Garth Brooks put it best, "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." I only answer the good ones.
Prayer is used to get you talking and thinking about your life situations. During prayer time I encourage you to really think about your life. Give thanks for what is good and ponder what needs fixing. When the mortals thank me for something, they are sending out the energy vibe of abundance. When they ask for something like restoration or healing, they are sending their wish out to the universe's cosmic energy. Where the attention goes, the energy flows.
This little video demonstrates the power of thought and the effects it has on water crystals.
Think negative thoughts and witness the ugly crystal formations. Think positive thoughts and witness the beauty that is formed. The same principle holds true with how your thoughts effect your life. Think negatively about your situation and you get negative results. Think positive thoughts and the results will be good. It's the principle of the upward spiral and the downward spiral and thought controls the direction of the spiral. People think of me as the one who controls your spiral. News flash - I don't control it - you do. It's the power of you. Actually, we partner together. My power is on your side when your power is on your side. To borrow from popular business ideologies, we create synergy.
To be perfectly honest, one of my clergyman said it best. Prayer without action is useless. Your action plays just as much, if not more, of a role to changing your situation than mine does. After you've prayed, act on what you just got done praying about. Don't just stand there waiting for me to do all the work. Come on, we are in this thing called life together. You do your part and I'll do mine.
Speaking of my part - the best part of my job is working the miracles. You know, the 11th hour healings. The part when people are just on the brink of giving up hope, when the situation is looking most dire and hopeless. SHAZAM!!! All is good in the world. Those moments restore faith and keep me relevant in the world.
Your partner in life - Jesus
Whenever it got quiet, he would go absolutely bonkers hearing all the prayer requests. The same thing happens to me. I'm a busy man and to be blunt about it, I don't have time to hear or answer all your prayers. Some say I answer each and every prayer. Sometimes the answer is, "No." Well, that's not exactly true. Garth Brooks put it best, "Some of God's greatest gifts are unanswered prayers." I only answer the good ones.
Prayer is used to get you talking and thinking about your life situations. During prayer time I encourage you to really think about your life. Give thanks for what is good and ponder what needs fixing. When the mortals thank me for something, they are sending out the energy vibe of abundance. When they ask for something like restoration or healing, they are sending their wish out to the universe's cosmic energy. Where the attention goes, the energy flows.
This little video demonstrates the power of thought and the effects it has on water crystals.
Think negative thoughts and witness the ugly crystal formations. Think positive thoughts and witness the beauty that is formed. The same principle holds true with how your thoughts effect your life. Think negatively about your situation and you get negative results. Think positive thoughts and the results will be good. It's the principle of the upward spiral and the downward spiral and thought controls the direction of the spiral. People think of me as the one who controls your spiral. News flash - I don't control it - you do. It's the power of you. Actually, we partner together. My power is on your side when your power is on your side. To borrow from popular business ideologies, we create synergy.
To be perfectly honest, one of my clergyman said it best. Prayer without action is useless. Your action plays just as much, if not more, of a role to changing your situation than mine does. After you've prayed, act on what you just got done praying about. Don't just stand there waiting for me to do all the work. Come on, we are in this thing called life together. You do your part and I'll do mine.
Speaking of my part - the best part of my job is working the miracles. You know, the 11th hour healings. The part when people are just on the brink of giving up hope, when the situation is looking most dire and hopeless. SHAZAM!!! All is good in the world. Those moments restore faith and keep me relevant in the world.
Your partner in life - Jesus
Friday, January 29, 2010
Thursday, January 28, 2010
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Digital World
Hello Faithful Ones - Let's start with Steve Job's (he does one of the greatest imitations of me to date) little 'iPad.' I personally would have called it 'The God Slate.' Just imagine Moses descending from on high with The God Slate. He'd come down the mountain holding the slate behind his back. I can see it now - a big goofy grin on his face all excited to show it to the people. He asks them, "Which Hand?" They guess a couple times and he finally reveals it. Moses brings it to his lips and kisses it much the way Tiger Woods (one of my greatest human works who got stung by Azazel) kisses a trophy. He presses the little button and triumphantly he raises it over his head for the world to see. Behold: the 10 commandments brightly beaming from the slate in bright, content rich digital multimedia with lots of cool, interactive demonstration videos, power points and study guides for use in small groups. The people are mesmerized. Just imagine the impact we could have had then. Too bad technology had not caught up with our vision for the future back in the day. The God Slate would have been so much easier to lug down that steep hill, too.
Speaking of digital media, here's a little analogy. Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I is to Pope Benedict XVI as Karl Rove is to George Bush. Benedict is Pinocchio and Lemillius is Geppetto. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) has embraced blogging and having a rich, multimedia web presence since contra inception. We've been trying it for a while and being online has worked exceptionally well for us. We effectively reach our target demographic of tech-savvy professional men and women between the ages of 18 and 37 earning an average salary of $90,000. So, Pope Lavartheus Lemillius and I had a "meeting" with Benedict. We strongly encouraged him to present the wonders of technology to the ordained brotherhood. All people sharing my word need to have an online presence.
As a matter of fact, I was just on the phone with Lemillius and he suggested we buy more server space and sell templates for our less technologically inclined clergy folk to use. Monthly hosting starts at 9 pieces of silver per month with a one time setup charge of 30 silver pieces. The mailers are being sent tomorrow.
I look forward to the day when all houses of worship and clergy members become part of the digital age. The more people who come to know me, the better. We will be more popular than ever!
Heavenly Yours - Jesus.
Speaking of digital media, here's a little analogy. Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I is to Pope Benedict XVI as Karl Rove is to George Bush. Benedict is Pinocchio and Lemillius is Geppetto. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) has embraced blogging and having a rich, multimedia web presence since contra inception. We've been trying it for a while and being online has worked exceptionally well for us. We effectively reach our target demographic of tech-savvy professional men and women between the ages of 18 and 37 earning an average salary of $90,000. So, Pope Lavartheus Lemillius and I had a "meeting" with Benedict. We strongly encouraged him to present the wonders of technology to the ordained brotherhood. All people sharing my word need to have an online presence.
As a matter of fact, I was just on the phone with Lemillius and he suggested we buy more server space and sell templates for our less technologically inclined clergy folk to use. Monthly hosting starts at 9 pieces of silver per month with a one time setup charge of 30 silver pieces. The mailers are being sent tomorrow.
I look forward to the day when all houses of worship and clergy members become part of the digital age. The more people who come to know me, the better. We will be more popular than ever!
Heavenly Yours - Jesus.
Tuesday, January 26, 2010
Azazel's role in Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)
So a lot of people have been asking about my joining with Jesus Inc. They want to know what my agenda is or what trick I have up my sleeve. The other day, Terry (the HDIC in Hell) came up to me and said he wanted "in". I said, "in?". He said "yeah, whatever your play to screw with Jesus is, I want in." He didn't believe me when I said there was no angle. There is no trick. I am joining Jesus Inc. to help spread the amazing word of Jesus Our Saviour. That's' it. Seriously. No really, Jesus needs all the help he can get.
You see, ever since I gave the idea to Thomas Newcomen to build the first piston and cylinder engine way back in the 1700's, thus beginning the Industrial Revolution, my job has been SUPER easy. Once industry began to spring up, capitalism began to grow, and the rest is history. Back in the middle ages, people's lives were crap. So who did they look to? Religion. The religious leaders of that time were just as powerful as Kings and Queens. My job was rough! Everyone turned to God for help. Once I helped Tom build that first engine, and people realized they could build a way to a better life, well they stopped looking to God for answers and started looking for mechanics.
Then we hit the 20th century and my job became a breeze! The roaring 20's started the water boiling for excessive living and blasphemy. Then some dude tries to kill some other dude and we have World War 1. So the water keeps boiling. Then along comes Hitler. (and just as a side note, I had NOTHING to do with Hitler. That guy is a nutcase. Someone didn't get hugged enough as a child. Heck, I don't even talk to him at bingo night in Hell). Yet World War 2 blew industry out of the water. America became obsessed with power. (Which is good to a certain point, but the more power there is, the more corruption there is.) Satan Enterprises was doing so well that I took a sabbatical for the entire 1960's. All I did was listen to Janis, Jimi and The Who and enjoy life.
The 70's depressed the Hell right back into me and I went back to work for a bit, but to be honest, I haven't done much at all in the last 30 years. The last good work I can take credit for is Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. But I didn't need to work hard, the damage had been done. By the end of 2009, it seemed that the whole world had turned upside down. Everyone was at war with someone, women were giving birth to 300 kids just so they could get a tv show, fathers were pretending that their sons were flying away in giant helium balloons. The whole darn world was crazy.
I looked around and realized, my job was boring. There was no one left to corrupt. And I always figured if the world was completely corrupt, then JC's dad would just flood everything up again and we would have to start from scratch. That's a pain in the behind. So I decided that I would even things out a bit. Help Jesus and Pope Pockets get people back on the "good" side. The truth is, I like Earth. I like the people. I don't want to declare victory yet, just so the big man upstairs can end it all and start over.
Well there you have it. Azazel, JC, the Popester, and John the Baptist joining forces to bring people to the light. Praise Jesus Inc.
Oh, and JC, I found this tape from our game night. MAN, you got me good.
You see, ever since I gave the idea to Thomas Newcomen to build the first piston and cylinder engine way back in the 1700's, thus beginning the Industrial Revolution, my job has been SUPER easy. Once industry began to spring up, capitalism began to grow, and the rest is history. Back in the middle ages, people's lives were crap. So who did they look to? Religion. The religious leaders of that time were just as powerful as Kings and Queens. My job was rough! Everyone turned to God for help. Once I helped Tom build that first engine, and people realized they could build a way to a better life, well they stopped looking to God for answers and started looking for mechanics.
Then we hit the 20th century and my job became a breeze! The roaring 20's started the water boiling for excessive living and blasphemy. Then some dude tries to kill some other dude and we have World War 1. So the water keeps boiling. Then along comes Hitler. (and just as a side note, I had NOTHING to do with Hitler. That guy is a nutcase. Someone didn't get hugged enough as a child. Heck, I don't even talk to him at bingo night in Hell). Yet World War 2 blew industry out of the water. America became obsessed with power. (Which is good to a certain point, but the more power there is, the more corruption there is.) Satan Enterprises was doing so well that I took a sabbatical for the entire 1960's. All I did was listen to Janis, Jimi and The Who and enjoy life.
The 70's depressed the Hell right back into me and I went back to work for a bit, but to be honest, I haven't done much at all in the last 30 years. The last good work I can take credit for is Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. But I didn't need to work hard, the damage had been done. By the end of 2009, it seemed that the whole world had turned upside down. Everyone was at war with someone, women were giving birth to 300 kids just so they could get a tv show, fathers were pretending that their sons were flying away in giant helium balloons. The whole darn world was crazy.
I looked around and realized, my job was boring. There was no one left to corrupt. And I always figured if the world was completely corrupt, then JC's dad would just flood everything up again and we would have to start from scratch. That's a pain in the behind. So I decided that I would even things out a bit. Help Jesus and Pope Pockets get people back on the "good" side. The truth is, I like Earth. I like the people. I don't want to declare victory yet, just so the big man upstairs can end it all and start over.
Well there you have it. Azazel, JC, the Popester, and John the Baptist joining forces to bring people to the light. Praise Jesus Inc.
Oh, and JC, I found this tape from our game night. MAN, you got me good.
I'm Bringing Sexy Back!
Good evening Pilgrims!
I know it has been a long time since my last post. I had fallen ill and I didn't think I had the engergy to greet my parish. But I'm back, and I'm ready to bring the message stronger than ever to the believers!
Since my step away from the Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) spotlight, my senior leaders of the company have been carrying on in the most holiest of styles. We've shown tha we have what it takes to be ahead of the pack by bringing in Satan to the company. It was the ultimate aggressive business strategy, however, by having Jesus's Yang to his Ying, it's a great marketing opportunity.
My boss, your savior Jesus Christ, has been really busy while I was away. He approved us to great an awesome music video that highlights our message. Our videogame is taking pre-orders faster than we anticipated. Our cruises for the next two major cruise holidays are booked solid. Jesus Inc. is poised to be on top of the cut throat world of religion by the end of the first quarter 2010.
Pilgrims, my subject said that I was bringing sexy back. Well, I am! Starting in February, MTV has picked up our pilot series called "Pope My Ride." See thumbnail below:
This series will feature our dedicated pilgrims who would like to have their ordinary car turned into a Pope Mobile. It will be fully loaded with the bulletproof glass encasement and a inch thick steel plate on the under carriage. The driver's windows will also be fully bulletproofed.
This series will not only get our message out to young pilgrims looking for guidance, but it will complete our mission to have our message on every major media outlet possible. Also, don't forget to listen to the latest Godccast on www.pay4pray.com/godcast.index.asp.html. Godcasts are uploaded on every Monday to feature my latest message to the parish.
Go forth my pilgrims and make sure we stay true to Jesus!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
I know it has been a long time since my last post. I had fallen ill and I didn't think I had the engergy to greet my parish. But I'm back, and I'm ready to bring the message stronger than ever to the believers!
Since my step away from the Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) spotlight, my senior leaders of the company have been carrying on in the most holiest of styles. We've shown tha we have what it takes to be ahead of the pack by bringing in Satan to the company. It was the ultimate aggressive business strategy, however, by having Jesus's Yang to his Ying, it's a great marketing opportunity.
My boss, your savior Jesus Christ, has been really busy while I was away. He approved us to great an awesome music video that highlights our message. Our videogame is taking pre-orders faster than we anticipated. Our cruises for the next two major cruise holidays are booked solid. Jesus Inc. is poised to be on top of the cut throat world of religion by the end of the first quarter 2010.
Pilgrims, my subject said that I was bringing sexy back. Well, I am! Starting in February, MTV has picked up our pilot series called "Pope My Ride." See thumbnail below:
This series will feature our dedicated pilgrims who would like to have their ordinary car turned into a Pope Mobile. It will be fully loaded with the bulletproof glass encasement and a inch thick steel plate on the under carriage. The driver's windows will also be fully bulletproofed.
This series will not only get our message out to young pilgrims looking for guidance, but it will complete our mission to have our message on every major media outlet possible. Also, don't forget to listen to the latest Godccast on www.pay4pray.com/godcast.index.asp.html. Godcasts are uploaded on every Monday to feature my latest message to the parish.
Go forth my pilgrims and make sure we stay true to Jesus!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
It's Good to be Alive
Man, I absolutely love being me. I got more game than Charles Schwab. People only listen to Chuckie Boy because he talks about money - he and Satan are tight!
People listen to me because I talk about the important things in life - their density destiny.
Look at the recent photo... My people love me and hang on my every word. I have so much good news to spread and teachings to share.
I have a fantastic study guide available. Do yourself a favor. Join a small group. Studying my teachings is much more fun in a dynamic group environment. Think of it as groups of like-minded individuals coming together to learn, experience life, support one another in the midst of life's challenges (satan's work) and be a catalyst for change in the world. More information is always available at pay4pray.com.
Grace to All - Jesus!
Monday, January 25, 2010
The things I do
I just wanted to show everyone an example of the type of things that I do. Natural disasters...no. But this video? Definitely my work!!
yours,
Azazel
yours,
Azazel
About Last Night
Ok - Yes... It's true - Satan and I do, on occassion, hang out and uh, play games at the mansion. He brings the water and I turn it to wine. Our evening always start with a high five, a quick laugh. See, we are really on the same team. He is the yang to my yin. I hate to say it - you are all pawns in our game of chess - which we played last night. As always, he cheated... Argh. After we were done playing chess, we played a few quick games of 'hang man.' Man, I hate that one. It brings back some painful memories.
Next up we hit the peyote kind of hard. Dude, we were both feeling soooo good. Both of us got the munchies. Unleavened bread just doesn't cut it. We ordered pizza from Dominos. It arrived in 31 minutes. Satan insured we got it free because it did not arrive within their 30 minute window. Yeah, we heard them knocking at my door... but neither one of us wanted to pay. He looked out the peep hole and opened the door just as they turned to leave. SCORE! I gotta tell you, the changes they made to their recipe are great. The difference is night and day.
The highlight of the night was cracking out the karaoke machine. Satan was singing hymns - every time he sings "amazing grace", it moves me to tears. I decided to end the night by performing "the devil went down to Georgia."
I love game night. We'll do it again....
Namaste - JESUS!
The highlight of the night was cracking out the karaoke machine. Satan was singing hymns - every time he sings "amazing grace", it moves me to tears. I decided to end the night by performing "the devil went down to Georgia."
I love game night. We'll do it again....
Namaste - JESUS!
Sunday, January 24, 2010
Got your Bible?
Seeing how most people only touch their bibles on Sunday, I'd like to give a shout out and thanksgiving to Gideon's International. Their ministry is all about sharing the good news by printing and placing bibles in hotel rooms. The Gideons have placed nearly 1.3 BILLION(that's a lot) bibles in hotel rooms around the world.
Just think - if you ever need to feel my presence and you happen to be away from home, check in to a hotel, look in the nightstand or dresser drawer. I will be with you. Plus reading my book is a lot better than watching the pay-for-porn channel on the TV.
I am with you always-but it never hurts to have something to wrap your arms around and cudle when you're lonely.
Love to All - Jesus
Just think - if you ever need to feel my presence and you happen to be away from home, check in to a hotel, look in the nightstand or dresser drawer. I will be with you. Plus reading my book is a lot better than watching the pay-for-porn channel on the TV.
I am with you always-but it never hurts to have something to wrap your arms around and cudle when you're lonely.
Love to All - Jesus
Common Misconception
Hey everybody, Azazel here. You may know me by some of my other names: Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Father of Lies, Crooked Serpent, Beelzebub, Unclean Spirit, Lucifer, Antichrist, Wicked One, Satan, Bob. There are many other names but I think you get the point.
I want to thank JC for allowing me to say a few things on his blog. He didn't have to. After all, he has an image to keep up with. And that is exactly what I wanted to talk about. Image. You see, for a long time now, people have been passing around the wrong information on me. Blaming me for things I did not do. Turning people against me through false statements and half-speak. I would usually find that behavior pretty awesome, but when the lies are pointed at me, it kind of hurts. I am basically a good guy and I am sick and tired of people hating me for all the wrong reasons. So I'd like to take this time to set the record straight.
I am not this evil person that just goes around hurting others for no reason. I started out as a simple venture capitalist for goodness sake! I saw what JC was doing with the whole creation/Adam and Eve thing. I liked it and wanted a piece of the action. Yes I got greedy and started fudging the numbers. What with the snake and the apple thing. And I got caught and was kicked out of heaven. Do you know what that is like? It sucks. It's like living in a 4000 square foot loft in Manhattan with a butler and chauffeur and then getting moved to some pig farm in Ohio with no running water and some hillbilly roommate. Soak THAT in.
Sure, I was bitter for a while and did some mean things. It was me who started the Spanish Inquisition. It was me who told the French that nobody liked them which then made them so snooty with the rest of the world. But that's the sort of things I do. I whisper in people's ear and tell them things that may or may not be true. That's it! I am not a bully. I just take what you know and give it a little spin. That's why they call it Devils Advocate people! I simply give individuals another point of view to look at. If they do something bad because of what I said, well that is on them. It's not my fault they couldn't handle the news.
So, now that you know how I operate, stop blaming me for crap I did not do. The Haiti earthquake? NOT ME! (for the sake of disclosure though, I may or may not be to blame for any rioters after the quake). But the actual quake? Not this devil. I don't do natural disasters. It's too easy. The tsunami a few years back? Not me. Hurricane Katrina? Not me. (though I told the army engineers that the levies were working fine. Sorry about that). Heck, people even blame me for global warming. Blame Al Gore. Why would I want to cause global warming? LA is one of my best markets. It doesn't help me one bit if it is under water. Come on people. Think!
Well I guess I have rambled on enough and I think I got my point across. Thanks for listening. Hey JC, we still on for game night at your place? I have a serious yearning for some boggle!
I want to thank JC for allowing me to say a few things on his blog. He didn't have to. After all, he has an image to keep up with. And that is exactly what I wanted to talk about. Image. You see, for a long time now, people have been passing around the wrong information on me. Blaming me for things I did not do. Turning people against me through false statements and half-speak. I would usually find that behavior pretty awesome, but when the lies are pointed at me, it kind of hurts. I am basically a good guy and I am sick and tired of people hating me for all the wrong reasons. So I'd like to take this time to set the record straight.
I am not this evil person that just goes around hurting others for no reason. I started out as a simple venture capitalist for goodness sake! I saw what JC was doing with the whole creation/Adam and Eve thing. I liked it and wanted a piece of the action. Yes I got greedy and started fudging the numbers. What with the snake and the apple thing. And I got caught and was kicked out of heaven. Do you know what that is like? It sucks. It's like living in a 4000 square foot loft in Manhattan with a butler and chauffeur and then getting moved to some pig farm in Ohio with no running water and some hillbilly roommate. Soak THAT in.
Sure, I was bitter for a while and did some mean things. It was me who started the Spanish Inquisition. It was me who told the French that nobody liked them which then made them so snooty with the rest of the world. But that's the sort of things I do. I whisper in people's ear and tell them things that may or may not be true. That's it! I am not a bully. I just take what you know and give it a little spin. That's why they call it Devils Advocate people! I simply give individuals another point of view to look at. If they do something bad because of what I said, well that is on them. It's not my fault they couldn't handle the news.
So, now that you know how I operate, stop blaming me for crap I did not do. The Haiti earthquake? NOT ME! (for the sake of disclosure though, I may or may not be to blame for any rioters after the quake). But the actual quake? Not this devil. I don't do natural disasters. It's too easy. The tsunami a few years back? Not me. Hurricane Katrina? Not me. (though I told the army engineers that the levies were working fine. Sorry about that). Heck, people even blame me for global warming. Blame Al Gore. Why would I want to cause global warming? LA is one of my best markets. It doesn't help me one bit if it is under water. Come on people. Think!
Well I guess I have rambled on enough and I think I got my point across. Thanks for listening. Hey JC, we still on for game night at your place? I have a serious yearning for some boggle!
Saturday, January 23, 2010
This is how we do it...
Yes Kids - That's right - Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I's mission is paying off. This is just what we need to reach the next generation. Blessings to all! - JC
Friday, January 22, 2010
Splendor and Majesty
Faithful Ones - I created the heavens and the earth. Then I made the sun. I got tired of only one side of my planet getting baked. So I made the sun rotate around earth for even baking - a little later Galileo came along with his own little theory... Anyway - day, night, water, sky, land, vegetation, creatures, go forth and multiple...yaddayaddayadda...
My favorite creations are living creatures; including you. I made you in my likeness... It must have been one hell of a night when I created the warthog - obviously I was in an altered state. It's a cross between a horse, a rhinoceros and a hippo. All it does is eat and fart...
Less I digress..
Next to the living creatures, my greatest invention would be the splendor and majesty known as nature. Do you know why I created the mountains, forests, streams and the like? I was thinking of you and how much you would enjoy frolicking and being with me. I also wanted something big... I mean REALLY BIG... the reason for this was to help you realize the depth of my creative powers... and to a lesser extent help you realize there are things in the world more significant than you. I know it is humbling and it awes you.. Next time you're out and about and you are enjoying the site before you, stop, give thanks and praise my name. - Jesus
My favorite creations are living creatures; including you. I made you in my likeness... It must have been one hell of a night when I created the warthog - obviously I was in an altered state. It's a cross between a horse, a rhinoceros and a hippo. All it does is eat and fart...
Less I digress..
Next to the living creatures, my greatest invention would be the splendor and majesty known as nature. Do you know why I created the mountains, forests, streams and the like? I was thinking of you and how much you would enjoy frolicking and being with me. I also wanted something big... I mean REALLY BIG... the reason for this was to help you realize the depth of my creative powers... and to a lesser extent help you realize there are things in the world more significant than you. I know it is humbling and it awes you.. Next time you're out and about and you are enjoying the site before you, stop, give thanks and praise my name. - Jesus
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Prolonging Life
Why Hello Children -
I'm visiting a medical facility to do some miracle healing. Times have changed. The security people refuse to let me in. Do these people want healing and restoration or not?
At any rate, I look around and see all these wrinkly old people with assistive devices. Hearing aids, canes, wheel chairs, walkers and the like. Is prolonging their lives giving them a high quality of life?
Do you realize how many times I've called these people home and science keeps getting in the way? I don't want to prolong misery. That's the enemy's job. My job is to provide for you and comfort you. Please don't draw out your suffering on Earth any longer than necessary. I have rooms in my mansion awaiting each and every one who asks for my forgiveness and proclaims me as their Lord and Savior. Everlasting life. It is my gift to you. See your attorney and have those living wills drawn up.
When it's your time, please join me. Heaven is indeed the most beautiful place on Earth!!!
- Jesus
I'm visiting a medical facility to do some miracle healing. Times have changed. The security people refuse to let me in. Do these people want healing and restoration or not?
At any rate, I look around and see all these wrinkly old people with assistive devices. Hearing aids, canes, wheel chairs, walkers and the like. Is prolonging their lives giving them a high quality of life?
Do you realize how many times I've called these people home and science keeps getting in the way? I don't want to prolong misery. That's the enemy's job. My job is to provide for you and comfort you. Please don't draw out your suffering on Earth any longer than necessary. I have rooms in my mansion awaiting each and every one who asks for my forgiveness and proclaims me as their Lord and Savior. Everlasting life. It is my gift to you. See your attorney and have those living wills drawn up.
When it's your time, please join me. Heaven is indeed the most beautiful place on Earth!!!
- Jesus
Tuesday, January 19, 2010
Trijicon
Hello Faithful - Today I received some very disturbing news. Trijicon is stamping references to bible verses after the serial numbers on the WEAPON accessories they produce. These devices are used in war to kill people.
Seriously? Is this a means of justifying what they are doing by using my name? Or, is this some way to minister to those charged with killing other people? Did I mention I *REALLY* dislike my name being used to justify the killing of others?
Either way, I am not happy about this. At the very least, they should be paying royalties to me. Situation is not looking good for everyone employed at Trijicon. The wrath of God will be before them.
The Roman Guard will be dispatched to investigate and take any action deemed appropriate.
Monday, January 18, 2010
My Papal President/CEO
Followers - I would like to take this opportunity to publicly acknowledge and thank Pope L. for taking our ministry to the next level. He has hit the cross running. I am looking forward to how this will unfold.
Live from Daytona!
Pilgrims!
We were just informed that our silent negotiations with Nascar have proven successful! We will be sponsoring a car for the 2010 Daytona 500! Our most holiest of Lords will endow one lucky driver with the blessing of representing our movement. We will pray for him to succeed!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
We were just informed that our silent negotiations with Nascar have proven successful! We will be sponsoring a car for the 2010 Daytona 500! Our most holiest of Lords will endow one lucky driver with the blessing of representing our movement. We will pray for him to succeed!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Spiritual Cruise!
Pilgrims,
Are you ready to hit the high seas? If so, then your savior Jesus Christ and I have come up with a spectacular getaway package to get to know your savior. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) will be offering seasonal cruises for the faithful who are willing to part with a material item such as money to get to know our lord.
Cruises will be a total of 40 days and 40 nights. Pets are allowed on this cruise because our Lord Jesus loves everyone and everything! (That rule is being reviewed by our 12 Deciple union local 101) See the below image for our newest cruise liner "The Ark of the Seas." It has a total of 200 staterooms and each one has its own unique blend of history and places to worship. Read our F.A.Q. page below for answers!
F.A.Q'S About Cruise
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Are you ready to hit the high seas? If so, then your savior Jesus Christ and I have come up with a spectacular getaway package to get to know your savior. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) will be offering seasonal cruises for the faithful who are willing to part with a material item such as money to get to know our lord.
Cruises will be a total of 40 days and 40 nights. Pets are allowed on this cruise because our Lord Jesus loves everyone and everything! (That rule is being reviewed by our 12 Deciple union local 101) See the below image for our newest cruise liner "The Ark of the Seas." It has a total of 200 staterooms and each one has its own unique blend of history and places to worship. Read our F.A.Q. page below for answers!
F.A.Q'S About Cruise
- What is the cost of the cruise? The cost of the cruise is approximately 25 pounds of silver, however we will gladly covnert it to the cost of $2,000 USD per pilgrim.
- Where can I purchase Tickets? Tickets can be purchased at any of our outlying churches worldwide by seeing a local holy travel assistant. Note that our travel assistants help you both physically and spiritually. Also tickets can be made online via Priceline, Expedia, Ebay, and Orbitz
- When does the cruise set sail? The Ark of the Seas will set sail during the seasons of Easter and Christmas.
- Where does cruise sail from, and how can we get there? The cruise will set sail from Fort Lauderdale, FL from our Jewish hub. Customers can visit www.pay4pray.com and get special airfare from our partner Spirit Airlines.
- How safe is the cruise as I am worried about the wood construction? I know you've heard this phrase before, but this ship WILL NEVER SINK! With Jesus on our side, we can overcome any obstacle. Since our creator is sponsoring this cruise, he already knows where ice bergs will be at before they are even frozen. He will also personally ensure that Mother Nature clears the skies enroute so we can have great weather for worship everyday on board.
- What can I expect to eat while I'm on board? Pilgrims on our cruise can expect a healty diet of communion both whole weat and white and a glass of red wine. Breakfast will consist of our new cereal brand not publicly relased yet, Jesus-O's "For the body cannot live on bread alone!"
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Diversification is the Key to Greatness!
PILGRIMS!!
I have fantastic news from my boss and your savior Jesus Christ! I have recently discussed our new branding items featuring videogames, re-vamped WWJD bracelets, advertisements, and our www.pay4pray.com website.
Today I have casted my net into the sea of ideas and I am confident that I will capture greatness. Such greatness as Simon did when Jesus saw him struggling while fishing and willed him to catch more fish than his boat can hold.
My pilgrims, this new venture will reach the minds and hearts of the people who cannot read or like to play video games. The third venture in the entertainment trifecta will be movies! Everyone watches movies! What better way to capture the audience than to have our most graceful master flaunt his greatness on the big screen? Coming in June 2010, Jesus will be starring in "33 Year Old Virgin." He has actually endowed a mortal with his great looks and spirtual attitude (his version of stunt double) to star in the role, but trust me, this is top notch acting! So stay tuned my pilgrims for the video trailors coming out on www.pay4pray.com and let's keep this holy momentum going. Scroll down for the movie poster!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
I have fantastic news from my boss and your savior Jesus Christ! I have recently discussed our new branding items featuring videogames, re-vamped WWJD bracelets, advertisements, and our www.pay4pray.com website.
Today I have casted my net into the sea of ideas and I am confident that I will capture greatness. Such greatness as Simon did when Jesus saw him struggling while fishing and willed him to catch more fish than his boat can hold.
My pilgrims, this new venture will reach the minds and hearts of the people who cannot read or like to play video games. The third venture in the entertainment trifecta will be movies! Everyone watches movies! What better way to capture the audience than to have our most graceful master flaunt his greatness on the big screen? Coming in June 2010, Jesus will be starring in "33 Year Old Virgin." He has actually endowed a mortal with his great looks and spirtual attitude (his version of stunt double) to star in the role, but trust me, this is top notch acting! So stay tuned my pilgrims for the video trailors coming out on www.pay4pray.com and let's keep this holy momentum going. Scroll down for the movie poster!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Sunday, January 17, 2010
10 Commandments Re-Examined
Happy Sabbath my Pilgrims!
Today I had a very spiritual and productive meeting with my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. I feel we are on the right track for getting our movement into the hearts and minds of the world's youth while giving Jesus Inc a positive cash flow.
We've previously discussed new ventures of adverstising, videogames, and WWJD apparel. But how can we tie all of this together with the world? How are we going to make them understand what all of this means. After reading our one and only world's best selling book, "Holy Bible," we've pinpointed the exact issue that we need to simplify.
The 10 Commandments are the staple of what us mortals use to guide us towards a spiritual and holy life. It's our savior's simple little list of rules that if followed, will ensure that when our demise from mortal life is met, that we will have an eternal life in our savior's kingdom.
So as of today, I have simplified the 10 Commandments to where all around the world can understand them without having to interpret "Thou" and "Shall and Shall not." These new commandments will be included in all newly printed versions of our only publiciation starting in January 2010. Below is the list of the revised 10 Commandments. Please note that these are the SAME commandments that we have all had for many centuries, however, they are just simplified for all people.
10 Commandments Simplified:
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Today I had a very spiritual and productive meeting with my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. I feel we are on the right track for getting our movement into the hearts and minds of the world's youth while giving Jesus Inc a positive cash flow.
We've previously discussed new ventures of adverstising, videogames, and WWJD apparel. But how can we tie all of this together with the world? How are we going to make them understand what all of this means. After reading our one and only world's best selling book, "Holy Bible," we've pinpointed the exact issue that we need to simplify.
The 10 Commandments are the staple of what us mortals use to guide us towards a spiritual and holy life. It's our savior's simple little list of rules that if followed, will ensure that when our demise from mortal life is met, that we will have an eternal life in our savior's kingdom.
So as of today, I have simplified the 10 Commandments to where all around the world can understand them without having to interpret "Thou" and "Shall and Shall not." These new commandments will be included in all newly printed versions of our only publiciation starting in January 2010. Below is the list of the revised 10 Commandments. Please note that these are the SAME commandments that we have all had for many centuries, however, they are just simplified for all people.
10 Commandments Simplified:
- Just one God
- Don't be puttin nothin' before God
- Don't be cussin'
- Don't be missin church on Sunday
- Don't be mean to momma and daddy
- Don't be killin people
- Don't be messin' with another man's woman
- Don't be stealin stuff that ain't yours
- Don't be lyin or gossipin
- Don't be wantin any of your neighbor's stuff
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Haiti Status Update
I am pleased to witness the best of mankind in response to Mother Nature dropping her iPhone resulting in the Haiti earthquake. This was and continues to be one of the biggest tragedies of the year. However, there are good things coming from this little mishap.
Aid, compassion and love are flowing from all corners of the world to lift up our hurting brothers and sisters. People of (almost) every political ideology are uniting for a greater good. To lift those suffering to a better life here on Earth. A new and better Haiti will come of this. Haiti has always been a bit of a wreck. Good things will come of this tragedy.
I am pleased to see Brother Clinton and Brother Bush uniting with chosen one Obama to a good cause. Finally they are able to work together and put their partisan differences aside towards a greater good.
Aid, compassion and love are flowing from all corners of the world to lift up our hurting brothers and sisters. People of (almost) every political ideology are uniting for a greater good. To lift those suffering to a better life here on Earth. A new and better Haiti will come of this. Haiti has always been a bit of a wreck. Good things will come of this tragedy.
I am pleased to see Brother Clinton and Brother Bush uniting with chosen one Obama to a good cause. Finally they are able to work together and put their partisan differences aside towards a greater good.
Strategic Re-Treat
Hello to my people. Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I and I will be partaking in an off-site strategic planning retreat. We will sit around the campfire, sing kum-bi-yah and beat the drum.
Yes, we need to evangelize the younger generation through video games. I am growing evermore tired of my name being used justify death and of opposing ideologies. I am a person of love and acceptance. Forgiveness is yours for the asking. I believe in being merciful (unless provoked). Those who follow my ways and teachings have a room in my mansion awaiting in the afterlife. The streets are paved with gold. The voices of angels grace us. It is quite beautiful and has a Zero carbon footprint.
Peace and understanding to you all - JC
Yes, we need to evangelize the younger generation through video games. I am growing evermore tired of my name being used justify death and of opposing ideologies. I am a person of love and acceptance. Forgiveness is yours for the asking. I believe in being merciful (unless provoked). Those who follow my ways and teachings have a room in my mansion awaiting in the afterlife. The streets are paved with gold. The voices of angels grace us. It is quite beautiful and has a Zero carbon footprint.
Peace and understanding to you all - JC
Saturday, January 16, 2010
New Ancillary Revenue Stream for 2010!
Good Evening Minions!
A few days ago I wrote about Jesus Inc.'s (NYSE: JSUS) new marketing opportunities for 2010. Advertising was and is still the best way to get your name, image, and message out to millions of our faithful worldwide!
Your savior and my boss, Jesus Christ, have been coming up with ways to get his face out to the younger generations in the world. If they aren't exposed to his greatness at a young age, then it's harder to steer them down the right path.
I am pleased to announce our newest way to generate not only extra cash for Jesus Inc, but to also make the children of the world DESIRE to know Jesus. Our latest venture will be VIDEOGAMES! Yes, videogames. What modern era child doesn't play video games? Rather than play a typical violent game that encourages our youth to stray from our savior, why not make a game which stars our savior. See our image below of our first release this Spring.
We've partnered with Microsoft to make this game featuring the one and only savior of the world, Jesus, in a game that is geared towards a hugely popular game called Halo. In this game, however, Jesus will not be battling aliens. Rather, he will be battling sin and the devil. Along the way the player will have ample opportunites to learn about our lord and realize that playing Xbox can lead to a stairway to Heaven. I realize that the "Stairway" will have to be made of reinforced steel to support the weight of the larger kids these days who turn to games over plain exercise.
Blessed are all who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
A few days ago I wrote about Jesus Inc.'s (NYSE: JSUS) new marketing opportunities for 2010. Advertising was and is still the best way to get your name, image, and message out to millions of our faithful worldwide!
Your savior and my boss, Jesus Christ, have been coming up with ways to get his face out to the younger generations in the world. If they aren't exposed to his greatness at a young age, then it's harder to steer them down the right path.
I am pleased to announce our newest way to generate not only extra cash for Jesus Inc, but to also make the children of the world DESIRE to know Jesus. Our latest venture will be VIDEOGAMES! Yes, videogames. What modern era child doesn't play video games? Rather than play a typical violent game that encourages our youth to stray from our savior, why not make a game which stars our savior. See our image below of our first release this Spring.
We've partnered with Microsoft to make this game featuring the one and only savior of the world, Jesus, in a game that is geared towards a hugely popular game called Halo. In this game, however, Jesus will not be battling aliens. Rather, he will be battling sin and the devil. Along the way the player will have ample opportunites to learn about our lord and realize that playing Xbox can lead to a stairway to Heaven. I realize that the "Stairway" will have to be made of reinforced steel to support the weight of the larger kids these days who turn to games over plain exercise.
Blessed are all who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Today is Holy Saturday....
Greetings my Pilgrims!
Today is a holy day! Today is a holy Saturday! Two links of our holy chain of command are engaging in a friendly game of football! The "Saints" and the "Cardinals" will be battling for bragging rights around the Vatican. So my pilgrims, for today, I am not answering any calls to help the poor or relay any messages to my boss and your savior to help people. We will all be tuned in to the "Holy Bowl" down in New Orleans. Until tomorrow my pilgrims, have a great day!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Today is a holy day! Today is a holy Saturday! Two links of our holy chain of command are engaging in a friendly game of football! The "Saints" and the "Cardinals" will be battling for bragging rights around the Vatican. So my pilgrims, for today, I am not answering any calls to help the poor or relay any messages to my boss and your savior to help people. We will all be tuned in to the "Holy Bowl" down in New Orleans. Until tomorrow my pilgrims, have a great day!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Friday, January 15, 2010
Putting the Myths Behind Us.....
Good Afternoon Pilgrims of the world!
I sit here today pondering our future. Not the future of our faith, as I know that Jesus is the ultimate savior. We have to believe that Jesus is the righteous one even though we can't see him in the flesh. This, my pilgrims, has been a huge discussion. Lately the world has been coming up with different jokes that my boss, your savior Jesus Christ is merely a figment of our imaginations or some other type of fictional character.
As your Pope, the supreme human being who is the closest to our savior; I can personally assure you that Jesus is real! We must stick together! Share the words of our one and only global best selling book titled simply "Holy Bible." Here are some common misrepresentations and jokes about his almightiness that I have been hearing:
Jesus was an African American
I sit here today pondering our future. Not the future of our faith, as I know that Jesus is the ultimate savior. We have to believe that Jesus is the righteous one even though we can't see him in the flesh. This, my pilgrims, has been a huge discussion. Lately the world has been coming up with different jokes that my boss, your savior Jesus Christ is merely a figment of our imaginations or some other type of fictional character.
As your Pope, the supreme human being who is the closest to our savior; I can personally assure you that Jesus is real! We must stick together! Share the words of our one and only global best selling book titled simply "Holy Bible." Here are some common misrepresentations and jokes about his almightiness that I have been hearing:
Jesus was an African American
- He called everyone brother.
- He loves Gospel music.
- He couldn't get a fair trial.
Jesus was originally a Californian
- He never cut his hair.
- He walked around barefoot all the time.
- He started a new religion. (Yes he did start a new religion, but he did not live in California. If this were the case, he would have been known as "Dude, our most holisest.....")
Jesus was originally a Woman
- He had to feed a large crowd at a moment's notice when there wasn't enough food.
- He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who didn't get it.
- Even after being dead, the lord had to get up because there was more work to do.
My Pilgrims, we must stay strong in the face of non believers. It is our job as mortals to make sure that his name is never forgotten, or his name is not the butt of jokes as written above. He who laughs will cry at the gates of St. Peters upon their demise from this Earth. And that my pilgrims, will be the ultimate "pie in your face" moment as we are saved. As your leader, I will make sure that we all stay focused on the mission of spreading the Lord's name around the world. Be afraid not of persecution from ignorant non believers, but be afraid of the disappointment from our savior if we shy away from screaming on top of our lungs "JESUS IS AWESOME!"
Haitian Relief
Friends - The people of Haiti are asking for prayer and financial support. The prayer team was dispatched and is now on location taking it to the streets. Many people are coming to know me and accept me as their Lord and savior. It's like a good ol' fashion revival. Next we will be setting up a tent. Tomorrow I will make an appearance to multiply 2 loaves and 5 fish to feed the people. It's one of my favorite magic tricks.
I am also offering a Jesus experience on eBay. Here's the deal - the winner of the auction will get to have lunch with me for 3 hours at their local Jewish deli. We will pray, break bread, drink and be merry.
All proceeds will be donated to the hurricane relief ministry.
Bid HIGH and bid NOW.
Peace to you. -J
I am also offering a Jesus experience on eBay. Here's the deal - the winner of the auction will get to have lunch with me for 3 hours at their local Jewish deli. We will pray, break bread, drink and be merry.
All proceeds will be donated to the hurricane relief ministry.
Bid HIGH and bid NOW.
Peace to you. -J
To my biggest fan
As part of our ongoing Pay4Pray marketing effort, I encourage Jesus to autograph the Bible in every hotel room he stays in "To my biggest fan" - JC
Thursday, January 14, 2010
What Would Jesus Do?
Peace be with you my pilgrims around the world!
Tonight I come to you regarding our oldest and most trusted means of spreading Jesus's message. We have all heard the slogan "What Would Jesus Do?" or "WWJD." It was a marketing campaign started many years ago by our previous administration. It is still considered a worldwide phenomenon by most accounts. Objects of all shapes and sizes bear this slogan which are decorative and fashionable.
But how are we ensuring that the message is guiding our pilgrims, and not just being a fashion piece on their wrists or a message on a T-shirt? Before we can ask the question "What would Jesus do?" we must ask ourselves whether we know Jesus. Knowing Jesus begins with reading about His life, teachings and claims in the Bible. However, reading the Bible as literature alone only helps us to learn ABOUT Jesus. To truly KNOW Him requires a personal, spiritual relationship with Him. In Revelation 3:20, Jesus says:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me."
So my pilgrims, our challenge for 2010 is two fold for this parish. Number one is to KNOW our savior. Not just know the history. When you say to yourself WWJD, we want you to say "I know what Jesus would do...." I know pilgrims reading this are wondering how do you get to know a prophet, a holy ghost, or other terms of endearment for my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. The first step to KNOWING Jesus is also the second part of our two-fold plan to return to greatness my pilgrims.....
The second challenge is to make sure non-believers and confused believers utilize our new tools. We need to make sure that www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-Pay-4-Pray is being utilized spread the message and that these outlets are generating the necessary cash flow that Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) needs in order to sustain this positive momentum.
I have come up with the phrase that will guide us in the future. "RETURN TO PROPHECY" or "RTP" will be the phrase that I want everyone to make decisions by. When you act on behalf of this parish, you will have to say "Is this the proper path to RTP?" and then you can follow it up with another question "WWJD?"
So I challenge everyone in the parish to stand up this new year and accept the challenge getting to KNOW our lord. If he can forgive minions for brutally hanging him from a cross with spikes (Cross wasn't even made from oak. How insulting..), then we can forgive people for far less. So the next time you are sliding your wristband on or sipping from your coffee cup that is branded with WWJD, take a minute and ask YOURSELF what would our savior really do.
Blessed are all who worship me.
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Tonight I come to you regarding our oldest and most trusted means of spreading Jesus's message. We have all heard the slogan "What Would Jesus Do?" or "WWJD." It was a marketing campaign started many years ago by our previous administration. It is still considered a worldwide phenomenon by most accounts. Objects of all shapes and sizes bear this slogan which are decorative and fashionable.
But how are we ensuring that the message is guiding our pilgrims, and not just being a fashion piece on their wrists or a message on a T-shirt? Before we can ask the question "What would Jesus do?" we must ask ourselves whether we know Jesus. Knowing Jesus begins with reading about His life, teachings and claims in the Bible. However, reading the Bible as literature alone only helps us to learn ABOUT Jesus. To truly KNOW Him requires a personal, spiritual relationship with Him. In Revelation 3:20, Jesus says:
"Behold, I stand at the door and knock. If anyone hears My voice and opens the door, I will come in to him and dine with him, and he with Me."
So my pilgrims, our challenge for 2010 is two fold for this parish. Number one is to KNOW our savior. Not just know the history. When you say to yourself WWJD, we want you to say "I know what Jesus would do...." I know pilgrims reading this are wondering how do you get to know a prophet, a holy ghost, or other terms of endearment for my boss and your savior Jesus Christ. The first step to KNOWING Jesus is also the second part of our two-fold plan to return to greatness my pilgrims.....
The second challenge is to make sure non-believers and confused believers utilize our new tools. We need to make sure that www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-Pay-4-Pray is being utilized spread the message and that these outlets are generating the necessary cash flow that Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) needs in order to sustain this positive momentum.
I have come up with the phrase that will guide us in the future. "RETURN TO PROPHECY" or "RTP" will be the phrase that I want everyone to make decisions by. When you act on behalf of this parish, you will have to say "Is this the proper path to RTP?" and then you can follow it up with another question "WWJD?"
So I challenge everyone in the parish to stand up this new year and accept the challenge getting to KNOW our lord. If he can forgive minions for brutally hanging him from a cross with spikes (Cross wasn't even made from oak. How insulting..), then we can forgive people for far less. So the next time you are sliding your wristband on or sipping from your coffee cup that is branded with WWJD, take a minute and ask YOURSELF what would our savior really do.
Blessed are all who worship me.
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Discussion with Mother Nature.
Faithful followers -
I did get a chance to sit down with Mother Nature. Apparently, she got rid of her Razr phone and got an iPhone. Turns out there's an app for that. It's called quake. She explains it like this: She was walking down the street and had just downloaded the quake app. She clicked on Haiti for the country and she bumped into someone causing her to drop her phone. When the phone hit the ground and bounced, the accelerometer reacted setting off an earthquake in Haiti. It was simply an accident.
I said, "Gimme that that thing." I yanked it from her hand, clicked on Haiti and gently shook the phone. Sure enough, the aftershocks reverberated through the region. Man, the power in these hand held "smart phones" is amazing. I can not believe these kinds of toys are available to mere mortals.
We had a good laugh. Next we sat back, ate some unleavened bread, drank some wine and lit the toke pipe.
These unfortunate occurrences are not intentionally being mean or cruel. Now that we know how powerful the apps can be, I have asked Mother Nature to wear her phone around her neck at all times. Hey, I get it - she's tired of spending every waking moment in the office and is now telecommuting to work making use of mobile technology....
I did get a chance to sit down with Mother Nature. Apparently, she got rid of her Razr phone and got an iPhone. Turns out there's an app for that. It's called quake. She explains it like this: She was walking down the street and had just downloaded the quake app. She clicked on Haiti for the country and she bumped into someone causing her to drop her phone. When the phone hit the ground and bounced, the accelerometer reacted setting off an earthquake in Haiti. It was simply an accident.
We had a good laugh. Next we sat back, ate some unleavened bread, drank some wine and lit the toke pipe.
These unfortunate occurrences are not intentionally being mean or cruel. Now that we know how powerful the apps can be, I have asked Mother Nature to wear her phone around her neck at all times. Hey, I get it - she's tired of spending every waking moment in the office and is now telecommuting to work making use of mobile technology....
2010 Marketing Campagin is Looking Good Minions!
Minions!
My boss, your savior Jesus Christ and I have been working around the clock the past few days to come up with extra ways to not only generate ancillary revenues for our parish, but to also give peace and hope to our followers.
I prayed on it my desciples! I started thinking of how mortal leaders on Earth create hype and a buzz about a cause. How can man, which my boss and your savior Jesus Christ created, have the ability to have large followings?
We decided to start at the beginning and work our way forward. What created all of the buzz about our Lord in the first place? Was it his ability to walk on water? Was it his ability to cure the sick and rise himself from the dead? Or was it his ability to forgive those who trespassed against him while he was nailed on the cross (The infection suffered from rusty nails really tested our savior's ability to forgive.)
It was the basics of our foundation that has allowed us to realize how we were successful in the first place. And to all of my children around the world, I'm pleased to announce our new marketing campagin. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) will be selling our services in ads and commercials around the globe. Below is our first Ad that will be running worldwide!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
My boss, your savior Jesus Christ and I have been working around the clock the past few days to come up with extra ways to not only generate ancillary revenues for our parish, but to also give peace and hope to our followers.
I prayed on it my desciples! I started thinking of how mortal leaders on Earth create hype and a buzz about a cause. How can man, which my boss and your savior Jesus Christ created, have the ability to have large followings?
We decided to start at the beginning and work our way forward. What created all of the buzz about our Lord in the first place? Was it his ability to walk on water? Was it his ability to cure the sick and rise himself from the dead? Or was it his ability to forgive those who trespassed against him while he was nailed on the cross (The infection suffered from rusty nails really tested our savior's ability to forgive.)
It was the basics of our foundation that has allowed us to realize how we were successful in the first place. And to all of my children around the world, I'm pleased to announce our new marketing campagin. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) will be selling our services in ads and commercials around the globe. Below is our first Ad that will be running worldwide!
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Jesus is the Man!
Taken outside of the Hard Rock Cafe in Jackson, MS; Jesus Christ was seen posing for the paparazzi. It melts my heart to see that my boss, your savior Jesus Christ is taking his job seriously and becoming more of a people's savior and not a figment of imagination.
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemilius I
Sports Fans
Minions!
I have sent my junior Pope, Pope Benedict to the region of Baton Rouge to help in the recovery from Hurricane Katrina. Since we are in our own economic turmoil, the best solution was to have Pope Benedict cheer for the local college team. Having the Fighting Tigers of LSU win a BCS title will go miles with morale and will ultimately speed up recovery. Here is a picture of Pope Benedict at the LSU/Penn State Bowl game. Unfortunately our boss, your savior Jesus Christ was assisting Joe Paa and his Nittany Lions.
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
I have sent my junior Pope, Pope Benedict to the region of Baton Rouge to help in the recovery from Hurricane Katrina. Since we are in our own economic turmoil, the best solution was to have Pope Benedict cheer for the local college team. Having the Fighting Tigers of LSU win a BCS title will go miles with morale and will ultimately speed up recovery. Here is a picture of Pope Benedict at the LSU/Penn State Bowl game. Unfortunately our boss, your savior Jesus Christ was assisting Joe Paa and his Nittany Lions.
Blessed are those who worship me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Greetings my Minions
Greetings my minions,
Today I have a message. A message from my boss and your savior; Jesus Christ! I have been chosen to be your new Pope of this new religious movement. I am very pleased to be the "President" of Jesus Incorporation (NYSE: JSUS).
This is a new day in the world of organized religion. Due to recent global economic turmoil, many people have turned to prayer as a means to give them hope. We, the church of Jesus, have gone through our own economic turmoil. Cost cutting measures for us have been to recently switch from real wine to wine from outlet stores such as Spec's. Holy water has also been outsourced. Holy water has been provided now by a global water distribution company known as Dasani.
With this recent change, we have decided to diversify our portfolio. Our corporate goals for 2010 is to take advantage of worldwide prayers. We have developed new resources to generate more ancillary revenues. Some of our newest revenue streams are: www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-pay-4pray. At just .08 cents a minute to speak to our "prayer partners," this will prove to be a huge stream of cash to JSUS. Advertising will be on bulletin backs in churches all around the globe in over 20 languages! We will even offer package rates both online and via the phone. Customers who wish to pay the low rate of $5.99 will be able to chat online with a partner or have unlimited phone calls with their chosen partner.
Our website will also aim to capture the young minions who are still seeking direction from our holiest of holyness; the Lord Jesus Christ. Such marketing techniques will be to offer Podcasts that will be available for free download once the saved has downloaded our iPhone/iPod Touch app "Prayer Partners" for only .99 cents in the App store. Podcasts will also be available for download every Monday on www.pay4pray.com/podcasts. Note that only podcasts will be updated once a week after Sunday, the designated day to keep the Sabboth.
Other mainstream opportunites will not be missed. We will advertise via Twitter, Myspace, and facebook to give future minions the opportunity to be saved by our Lord, Jesus Christ. Visitors can follow updates and get reduced prayer partner rates if they use our coupon code JSUS4687. They will be eligible to receive a 20% discount off of our .08 cents a minute phone rate.
Safety of our senior leaders is also crucial to the success of this movement. In recent years, there have been several attacks on the lives of previous Popes. I will not stand for this! Below is my new car for the 2010 rebirth. Sitting on 26" Denali chrome rims, my custom Mercedes SUV has been retrofitted to house me as we drive through the many cities we visit. It has been equipped with two layer bulletproof glass and a steel plate on the underside capable of withstanding a medium size road side bomb.
We are also going to be parterning with our new airline sponsor Spirit Airlines. They have agreed to give minions traveling to church functions discounted airfare if the use their link off of www.pay4pray.com/flyspirit/index.asap.html. In return for their generous offer of reduced rates, we are personally going to bless each one of their flights to ensure that our customers, customers who have financially supported us, are going to be safe.
So I leave you with this my little minions, 2010 will be a glorious year! Our union (12 Apostles local 101) has agreed to the latest collective bargaining agreement and are committed to delivering peace and grace to all that seek it (and willing to pay for it too). So grab your rosaries and fasten your seat belts because 2010 is our year for the heavens to shine down!
Blessed are those who praise me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Email: LL_Cool_L@Vatican.com
Phone: x02 (Using red phone at all Holy Locations)
Oustide: 1-900-Pay-4Pray
Fax: 566-664-5616
Today I have a message. A message from my boss and your savior; Jesus Christ! I have been chosen to be your new Pope of this new religious movement. I am very pleased to be the "President" of Jesus Incorporation (NYSE: JSUS).
This is a new day in the world of organized religion. Due to recent global economic turmoil, many people have turned to prayer as a means to give them hope. We, the church of Jesus, have gone through our own economic turmoil. Cost cutting measures for us have been to recently switch from real wine to wine from outlet stores such as Spec's. Holy water has also been outsourced. Holy water has been provided now by a global water distribution company known as Dasani.
With this recent change, we have decided to diversify our portfolio. Our corporate goals for 2010 is to take advantage of worldwide prayers. We have developed new resources to generate more ancillary revenues. Some of our newest revenue streams are: www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-pay-4pray. At just .08 cents a minute to speak to our "prayer partners," this will prove to be a huge stream of cash to JSUS. Advertising will be on bulletin backs in churches all around the globe in over 20 languages! We will even offer package rates both online and via the phone. Customers who wish to pay the low rate of $5.99 will be able to chat online with a partner or have unlimited phone calls with their chosen partner.
Our website will also aim to capture the young minions who are still seeking direction from our holiest of holyness; the Lord Jesus Christ. Such marketing techniques will be to offer Podcasts that will be available for free download once the saved has downloaded our iPhone/iPod Touch app "Prayer Partners" for only .99 cents in the App store. Podcasts will also be available for download every Monday on www.pay4pray.com/podcasts. Note that only podcasts will be updated once a week after Sunday, the designated day to keep the Sabboth.
Other mainstream opportunites will not be missed. We will advertise via Twitter, Myspace, and facebook to give future minions the opportunity to be saved by our Lord, Jesus Christ. Visitors can follow updates and get reduced prayer partner rates if they use our coupon code JSUS4687. They will be eligible to receive a 20% discount off of our .08 cents a minute phone rate.
Safety of our senior leaders is also crucial to the success of this movement. In recent years, there have been several attacks on the lives of previous Popes. I will not stand for this! Below is my new car for the 2010 rebirth. Sitting on 26" Denali chrome rims, my custom Mercedes SUV has been retrofitted to house me as we drive through the many cities we visit. It has been equipped with two layer bulletproof glass and a steel plate on the underside capable of withstanding a medium size road side bomb.
We are also going to be parterning with our new airline sponsor Spirit Airlines. They have agreed to give minions traveling to church functions discounted airfare if the use their link off of www.pay4pray.com/flyspirit/index.asap.html. In return for their generous offer of reduced rates, we are personally going to bless each one of their flights to ensure that our customers, customers who have financially supported us, are going to be safe.
So I leave you with this my little minions, 2010 will be a glorious year! Our union (12 Apostles local 101) has agreed to the latest collective bargaining agreement and are committed to delivering peace and grace to all that seek it (and willing to pay for it too). So grab your rosaries and fasten your seat belts because 2010 is our year for the heavens to shine down!
Blessed are those who praise me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Email: LL_Cool_L@Vatican.com
Phone: x02 (Using red phone at all Holy Locations)
Oustide: 1-900-Pay-4Pray
Fax: 566-664-5616
Jesus Inc
I am pleased to announce my new 1-900 line. That's right. 1-900-Pay-4-Pray. Annointed prayer partners are standing by. 8 cents per minute.
For a limited time, a portion of my proceeds will be donated to the Haitian earthquake relief fund.
Call now!!
For a limited time, a portion of my proceeds will be donated to the Haitian earthquake relief fund.
Call now!!
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Haiti Earthquake
My people - I am going to speak with Mother Nature later today. I trust her with all things environmental and planet related. She goes off on a tangent causing an earthquake in Haiti.
My friends, I hear your prayers to lift and restore our brothers and sisters affected by this tragedy. I gotta tell you, I am upset. Things were going well with bringing some economic recovery to the region. My faithful follower, Bill Clinton, has been working hard to bring economic investment to the region. In case you didn't know, the people of Haiti have a wonderfully developing garmet industry. In Bill Clinton's heart I planted a seed to lift the Haitians up and spread the wealth. He felt the desire weighing on his heart and worked met with some titans of industry. WalMart was about to commit to bringing a sweatshop, I mean factory, to the people to provide economic stimulus. At any rate, I degress. Hopefully all is not lost and I am able to plant seeds of compassion and their commitment to the people will not waiver. I want to see my people rise above the challenge they face. Become a stronger people. As the Haitians rise, they will spread the good word about all things being possible with faith in me.
I must go smoke some medicinal marijuana to chill me out before meeting with Mother Nature. Heaven help her.
Namaste - J
I must go smoke some medicinal marijuana to chill me out before meeting with Mother Nature. Heaven help her.
Namaste - J
Welcome to my blog
Hello to all my children. A lot of people have been curious about what it's like to be Jesus. Here, I will share the goodnews with the world.
One thing that bothers me is all these yo-yos referring to me by different names; for example, Jesus, Yaway, Allah, Buddha, etc. Let's get this straight, my name is Jesus. Jesus Christ. My close friends (like the discples) call me Jesse.I am one with the Father and the Father is one with me. We are the same - the triune - Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Some people may think I have a personality disorder such as schizophrenia or MPD aka multiple personality disorder. I am here to tell you it takes three identities to contain my power.
I wouldn't say I'm a schizo. I would say I am more of a narcissist. I created the world. If you did it, you'd be tootin' your own horn, too
Much love to all. More Later. - Jesus
One thing that bothers me is all these yo-yos referring to me by different names; for example, Jesus, Yaway, Allah, Buddha, etc. Let's get this straight, my name is Jesus. Jesus Christ. My close friends (like the discples) call me Jesse.I am one with the Father and the Father is one with me. We are the same - the triune - Father, Son and Holy Spirit.
Some people may think I have a personality disorder such as schizophrenia or MPD aka multiple personality disorder. I am here to tell you it takes three identities to contain my power.
I wouldn't say I'm a schizo. I would say I am more of a narcissist. I created the world. If you did it, you'd be tootin' your own horn, too
Much love to all. More Later. - Jesus
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