Which came first?

Yo Heathens - What up yo?

What came first?  The shovel or the flame?

I was cruising the Hotrod Godrod - remember this?  I still enjoy driving this beast as much as the day I bought it.

So anyway, with my birthday drawing nearer and nearer every day, traffic if absolutely horrible.  Why are you people driving around right now?  You should be contemplating the miracle of my immaculate deception conception.  This little wife's tale is the start of my two part stage production making our little club possible.

Less I digress....

So, I'm trying to get home.  Dudes and dudettes, there is nothing better than driving a car with catlike reflexes doing everything I demand of it.  You people could learn a thing or two from my car...

Less I digress...  part deux...

Back to my story... I'm stuck in this slow moving traffic with limited opportunities to rapidly advance myself...   This traffic was like molasses...

Less I digress... 3x a charm?

Anyway, I see an opportunity in the right hand lane to break out.  I lane change, followed by another lane change to the merge on/off lane.  Finally, the Godrod sings like Handel's famous Messiah chorus..  Whoa.  I gotta get back in the right lane because I don't want to exit...  And I do this the next merge lane/exit, too.  I look up and I realize why traffic is going so slow.  It's a funeral procession.  That explains why they were going so slow with their flashers on.  First, I thought it was a bunch of retards playing follow the leader while driving...

Then I realized something...  Just because these people are transporting a dead body doesn't mean they should make the rest of us to want to go kill someone else.  Jesus Christ....  Oh, wait...  That's me.  Take a back road next time...

Anyway, Less I digress...  If less than four, it's a bore...

I blow up the feeder road and jump out in front of them, waiving my hand outside my sunroof.  See ya, suckers....

Which got me thinking...  Who and why did the mortals decide to dig a hole, drop in a body, cover it up and let it forever rot in the ground?  Seriously? I bet it's something those crazy catholicks came up with to make money while they hittin' the bong.  They're worse than me when it comes to finding money making opportunities...

Then I got to thinking, why not set the body on fire and burn it up cremation style?

Trust me, when you're dead, you're never gonna want or need that tired, worn out vessel you've been carrying your soul in for all these years.  It's used up.  Tattered and torn.  It's garbage.  For what it's worth, I hear dead bodies make a terrific addition to your composting bins....

Less I digress..  Five Alive?

You're done with your body.  Do you think someday you'll be called up and all this rotted compost is gonna come swirling around to re-create your body?  When you die, your soul returns to it's essence of a spiritual energy.  You've had your time on Earth.  Hopefully, you learned something while here...

Less I digress...  Six?  Am I playing tricks?

I'm here to tell you cremation is The Way of the future.  It's quick, easy and doesn't make a mess.  It takes up a lot less space...  Plus, if you're ever in a bind, it makes terrific kitty litter.

Less I digress...  Seven!  Does anything rhyme with 7?

The idea of closure?  What? Put the dead guy in a box, close  the lid and bury it.  Is that your idea of closure?  And have a place to visit like Disneyland or Graceland to mourn your loss?  Really?

Cremation is more like a souvenir.  A precious souvenir from their time here on Earth.  Depending on how big the person was, there could be urns of ash to give to friends or sell on eBay....

Whatever...

You could make mini keychain urns so you can take your loved on with you wherever you go.  Instead of visiting Disneyland, you can take them to Disneyland.

Less I digress...  8!?!?  This is GREAT!

If you're poor, er, I mean economically challenged and living on foodstamps, medicaid and unemployment, instead of bawling an urn, a garbage can works just as well.  You don't really need anything fancy....

Bottom line is this...  When you're gone, you're gone.  Cryogenics is a crock.  Some say you come home to me.  Homecoming in heaven - the best place on Earth.  Space is limited.  One of our friendly sales reps are standing by at your local house of worship for details.  Or, if you're more comfortable you can always call 1800-PAY-4-PRAY.

Less I digress...  9 is fine.  That's what she said...

Back to my original question.  What came first?  The shovel or the flame?  Duh...  the shovel...

Word out - J.E.S.U.S.  and that spells JESUS!

A Picture Says a Thousand Words

Is it me or does this guy scare the living daylights out of you?  Man, he gives me the willies....  Ew.

Monks Rock!

Brother and Sisters in Me - I bring you greetings with the sign of the cross as my birthday draws near.  I love this time of year because the world rotates around me.

Did you know the world rotates around me two times a year?  Christmas and Easter.  The folks attending my house those two days are called Cheasters...

Anyway, Less I digress..

Check out this little movie I shot with my GodPhone:



That's me belly laughing and yelling like a crazed hyena...  Less I digress...  again...

How awesome is this?  The monks found a way to sing one of my favorite old-school festival hymns without technically breaking their silence.  They chose this life of stupidity  discipline to do my work...  My question was how they manage to do my work without talking...  Today, my question was answered.  They used their creative gifts and talents to work a miracle...  Isn't that awesome?

What are you doing with the creative gifts and talents I gave you?

Love, The Reason for the Season!

Are you a sinner or a perfect knock off of me?

Heathens - Today, I challenge you.  I challenge you with this daily devotion - take some time to reflect over today's message straight from the Father's mouth.  The buck stops here, yo.

You are not evil sinners or perfect imitations of me.  I made you knowing you were flawed, sometimes fatally so.  The thing I find interesting about you mortals is this - you let the world dictate your identity.  Saint or sinner.  Sane or crazy.  Hero, villain or victim.  Good parent or loving child.  You treat others the way I treat you - both the good and the bad.

To tell you the truth, I don't care about any of that.  I accept you for who you are - why wouldn't I?  I created you - I made you from nothing.  I poured my heart and soul into your being. If you don't like something about yourself, do something to change it.  See - if I gave you my all, I acknowledge my flaws for they are in you.

Did you hear me?  My flaws are in you.

Doesn't that blow your mind?

Less I digress...

I accept you as you are because I accept me for who I am.  Save yourselves lots of money and years of therapy to discover your problems other's have used to label you.

Use your money for something more important - I still have slots available in my Heaven time share program.  My staff and I are as committed as ever to keeping Heaven the best place on Earth.  Jesus Inc. has tons of wonderful products to enhance your relationship with me.  I have a birthday special going on right now...  All puppets are half off.  Get it?  They're just torsos...

For the little one's, we just launched finger puppets...



Please don't take advantage of any five finger discounts.

Less I digress...  Again....

My motto is this:  Come as you are or don't come at all.  Seriously.  Everyone is welcome in my house - I have tons of them all over the world.  There's a location near you.

Decide for yourself.

While you're at it...  Be yourself and love yourself.  Trust me.  It's good for the soul.  I should know, I  do it each and every day.

Your friend and life coach -

Jesus Christ
The only son of God
Founder and CEO, Jesus Inc.

PS - And, there's one more thing.  Don't believe all the crap written in the bible about me judging you.  It was written by your fellow mortals to control you and shape you into perfect little rectangles in a multitude of sizes and colors.  Just like Legos.  Why?  To turn you into just another brick in the wall.

PPS - Do you know what I find to be most sad?  "They've" been feeding you crap for over 2000 years.  What's worse?  You've been eating it.

PPSS - Why go out and eat a burger when you can stay home and have a steak? My point exactly....

Love, J-Dawg the Hot Dog!

Celebrity Deaths

Hello Mortals - You know what I look forward to?  The next time I decide to take one of your celebrities from their life on Earth and put them in purgatory for a couple days.  What gets me is these people are just people I put on this planet to entertain you.  You make the choice to put them on a pedestal and worship them.  Sometimes you put them above me.  While I'm not exactly thrilled with this,  it's one of the many flaws I gave you when constructing your personalities...  Of course, I forgive these sins of worshiping others above me - it's what I do.

Less I digress...

Have you noticed how celebrities die in groups of three.  Like triplets?  Do you know why that happens?  Because me and Satan are having game night.  When we play tic-tac-toe and I win, three people die.  One for each x in the winning line.  Why do I always play x?  Because back in the day, an x stood for a kiss; make that the kiss of death.  You know, people would kiss a piece of paper on the x.  In contemporary times, the x marks the place on a legal document where one's signature is required to execute the document or hold one accountable to the agreement contained therein.  Plus, X always marks the spot.

Notice how there are these long drought without a celebrity being called home?  It could be for a couple reasons...  Satan and I keep ending with a draw - often times this is the case - both of us have been playing tic-tac-toe for a very long time and one of us has to be playing less than our a game to arrive with a winner.  Keep in mind we're as old as time - and we've been playing cheap parlor games at least that long....  Sometimes one of us is out for business meetings or vacation.  Sometimes I'm mad at him and don't let him come over for game night - he can be a butt.

You know what else I like?  The media attention.  I love to see funeral processions on television.  It's like a parade - and I LOVE a parade.  I enjoy seeing all the gifts of flowers, the notes taped to fences, the tears being shed.  My personal favorite is the "We will always remember" home made posters.  If you mortals really want to score points with me, use florescent colors and big balloon letters with glitter.  I have a fetish for shiny things that I can read from way up high.


Less I digress again...

So...  I haven't had anyone get killed in a skiing accident since Sonny (from Sonny and Cher).  I think I'll pluck one that way...  Death by natural cause is a perennial favorite - I usually reserve that one for crusty politicians.  And finally - how about something catastrophic like a shooting or stabbing?  I think I'll skip that one.  Last time i did that, we got stuck hearing about John Lennon for like ever...  Shootings and stabbings make for great heros and recovery story.  Those always restore a sense of triumph to the collective human spirit.

Let me think...  Ahhah!  I got it!  Time to try something new...  How about a suicide while in celebrity rehab?  Hey Lohan - knock knock knock...  It's me at your door - time's a tickin'...

Your twisted savior - J-Dawg.

PS - Happy Birthday to ghost writer.  He turned 40 today.  I love you man....

Black Friday

Hello Sheep - Wha's up?  Man, I am stuffed from all that turkey.  It's like a turkey coma.   Mary came over and we ate some birds.  Then we had some bees.  Mmmm....  Like honey.  After we got done eating, Mary wanted to look at the Black Friday ads.  I'm like, "No, woman.  None of that."  She looks at me and she says, "Who do you think you are talking to me that way?"  I reply, "I'm your Daddy."  "Excuse me!", she says with some of that 'ethnic' attitude.  Oh Lord.

All these store making a profit in anticipation of Christ-mass.  Door busters...  Dust busters...  Dave and Busters... Butt busters... Hungr busters...

Zzzzzzz.....

The Pope's Condom?!?!

Faithful - I don't quite know what to say.  Pope Benedictus stated condoms are okay to use and a first step towards morality.  Okay...  And what, not using a condom is a first step towards mortality?
  Whateva...

It has come to my attention the catholic franchisees will start distributing condoms.  With Benny's face on the wrapper.  See here:

If this isn't a killjoy to spending quality time with your special friend, I don't know what is.  This haunting image is enough to instantly turn a grape into a raisin.  A plum to a prune.  Beef into jerky.  Wine to water.  It shrinks cotton - you get the idea.

Less I digress...

This got me thinking.  There is nothing wrong with enjoying the intimate companionship with the object of your affection.  Some practice solo, others practice in a small (or large) group setting.  However, the most common way to enjoy intimacy is with a partner.

Once again, I feel the need to remind the catholicks there is nothing wrong with an orgasm.  It is my gift to you.  How can something that feels so good be bad?  It's like sex for the brain.  Wait...  It is sex for the brain... and the body...  Well, never mind...

And do you think I really intended you to have sex make love with only one person?  At a time?  I want to you to make love to me..  On Sunday....  Just like Mary Magdalene does.  She's HOT.  Did I mention that yet?  Why do you think Sinday Sunday is my day?  On the 7th day I rested.  Yeah, that's the ticket.

Less I digress (again)...

Finding a suitable object of your affection is a lot like buying a car.  You gots to go for some test drives.  Just make sure the dealer doesn't come along to watch - and never give them your photo ID.  Multiple makes and models.  Spend some time with them.  See if their performance pleases your senses.  How does it handle?  Do you like the features and special option packages?  Where can the best deal be had?  Do some comparison shopping.  Check consumers reports.  When you turn on your car does it return the favor?   Cadillacs do.

Yo catholicks - please...  enough with the scary man pictures on the wrapper.  Yes, I realize it is only for protection - protection is meant as a temporary fix - like keeping plastic on the furniture so you don't get peter marks or hit a bump and spill during the testing phase...

So, wear  a condom while on a test drive.  When you finally find the one you commit to, peel back the plastic and enjoy.

Love,

Cheesus.

Word up yo?  Ministry is going well.  People are being saved.  They are coming to the Father.  Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) is on a roll.  Got that thing on auto-pilot.  Revenue is pouring in from are various products, including:  Jesus Water, Jesus Mints, JESUS! (kinda like Bingo), Sanctuary!, our Lego figures and sets, etc.  It's just one big life savin' money makin' machine.  My Father would be proud.  Oh, wait...  I am the Father....

I'm getting jazzed about my "Awaken the Giant Within" seminar with Tony Robbins.  It's going to be incredible!

My Hot Girl friend

Yo - Sheep - what up?  Guess what?  My HOT girlfriend is joining us.  It's gonna be awesome.  Mary Magdalene!

Did you ever see that movie "She's out of your League?"  There is this scene were the guys are talking about how a guy and a girl have to be rated close to the same for the relationship to work.  Let me tell you, Mary is a hard perfect 10.  Me...  Yes, I am perfect.  However, I consider my own appearance to be more of a good, strong and solid 7.

So far it works.  Remember, they don't call me captain foot long for nothin.

I'll let Mary tell you more.

Baaaaaah out - Jesus!

Going to see Tony Robbins

Believers - I finally got hooked up to go see Tony in Hawaii.  I figure if I am serious about personal change I should learn from the best in one of the most beautiful places I made.  Hawaii.  As in Hawaii 5-0.  Yeah, that's right.

The personal transformation seminar will be in the next couple weeks.  In the meantime I am going to enjoy some lamb, unleavened bread and some water turned to wine.

Piece out - J-Dawg

Mr. Fix it

I've been cruising the internet for chicks ideas on how to get back into the G-Zone.  You know, everyone seems to have some kind of self help book or support group to participate in.  I'm not interested in any of that.  Then I started to look at some local therapists.  Everytime I read one of their 'philosophy of treatment' self deprecating essays, I go nuts.  Client centric, life skills, communication, self confidence.  Blahblahblahblah.

Less I digress....

I figure if I am serious about change, I should go to the grand-daddy of all personal scam change artists.  Tony Robbins.  If he's good enough for dignitaries, he is good enough for me.

He thinks he's hot snot with that walking on glowing coal thing?  He ain't seen nothing until I show up the resurrection and walk on water tricks.

Maybe I could teach that punk a thing or to.  It could be a reciprocal relationship or a win-win relationship or, maybe even a sinergistic relationship...

I'll try to work out a magic trade.  He can show me his and I'll show him mine.  Wurd.

Been down in the dumps

Just to let everyone know....  I'm not dead.  I'm severely depressed.  All the changes over the last year have turned my world inside out and upside down.  About three months ago, I crashed.  Withdrew into my cave.  Wished people would leave me alone.  Just let me be.

Suddenly, I find membership in my little club on the decline.  I'm not as relevant today as I was yesterday.  The sun is setting on me and my movement?

I think not.

It is time to grab the bull by the horns.  I think I am going on a personal growth journey.

I'd decided to be twisted

Children - It has been a long time.  My time away has brought me new insights and, to a greater or lesser degree, brought out a really twisted side to my personality.  I started to feel stale and stagnate.  Pope Lavartheus left Jesus, Inc. and stole all the money.  Satan and I - we haven't talked in a while.  I'm feeling a bit lonely and depressed.  When I'm depressed, I start doing strange things....  like this:

It was just a joke.  I revealed myself to Finn on a grilled cheesus sandwich.  Less I digress..

I was sitting around wasted from the Mogen David wine.  And thought, what the hell.  Let's see if anyone sees this...

Sure enough, I'm laying in bed a few days later and I hear a prayer from some guy saying he wants to start a relationship with me because he saw my image on his dog's butthole.

I don't know how to respond.

Jesus...the man, the myth, the dork

Jesus is incognito right now? He says he can be a jerk like me? What? he thinks he is a badass? Here is a photo of the big JC as he left for his "vacation."

HE'S A REAL BADASS!!!!!!!!!

Face it JC. I'm the shiznit. You're the biznitch!

Minion.

Word to the peeps. It's been a while. I've been busy. Too busy for you and this blog thing. Less I digress...

I'm traveling on solo vacation, incognito, with spirit airlines. I look up from meditation and I see a new minion into the brotherhood of the priesthood.  A photo is below. 

Check this goober out.  Do you see anything wrong with this?  I see several observations of concern. 

1-He's wearing black. He must've missed the memo. Minions are only to wear black during lent. Or, at sanctuary.  Black scares people. I should give him credit. At least he's not wearing a robe. If he was, people might mistake him for members of that other little club with the robes and ceremonial regalia.  Sad but true-people get all robe wearing clubs confused. 

2-The cross is hidden in his pocket. Hey newbie-Arenial you ashamed to be a club leader?  Dude-Wear the cross as a badge of honor to remind you and everyone you come in contact with of the greatest give I could give. I gave my life so you could be forgiven of your sins. Made shiny and new. Like a virgin. Touched for the very first time. Blahblahblah. 

3-No seek and finds. Are you mocking the movement?  Newbie-You should be a beacon of hope. A ray of light and you're doing a seek and find?  Get up off your butt and preach. Come on. Make me proud.  This is an airport terminal. Get a revival going. Bring in some new recruits. Introduce someone to their lord and savior. 

4-Image is everything. Don't sit there all curled up in a ball slouching. Sit tall. With confidence. Act like your shit don't stink. You represent me. I'm something to be proud of. People (especially women) are attracted to confident men. Grow a pair. 

So, after making these observations, newbie looks up and recognizes me. He asked for a photo op. I declined. 

I got up and left. As I looked back at him, he placed his head in his hands and began to weep. Pansy. 

See Azazel, I have learned how to be a jerk like you. 

Love -
- Jesus
------
Sent from my mobile device.  

A Minion

Azazele walking in the shadows?

Oh Hell.  Here we go again...  Azazele's been hitting the pipe and the booze.  One thing I forgot to mention.  Azazele doesn't like cheeseburger.  He loves tube steak.  Well, at least that's what the word on the street is...

Love, Jesus H. Christ.  

Dear World....BITE ME

AZAZEL HERE. COMING AT YOU DRUNK AND WITH ALL CAPS! IT'S BEEN A FEW MONTHS SINCE I LAST POSTED ANYTHING AND I CAN SEE THAT THE VIEWERSHIP HAS SUFFERED FROM IT. JUST GOES TO SHOW YOU...ONCE YOU GO SATAN, JESUS IS KEPT AWAITIN!
(i just made that up and on the spot while holding a shot of tequila, man i am good. and notice how there are no spelling errors. Spellcheck be damned, I am freaking awesome)


So anyway, I have something I need to get off my chest. to YOU JC. I am talking to YOU. YOU! CAPS LOCK YOU! If Lebron James can demand respect and people to wait on him....THEN I WANT THAT TOO!!! Jesus Inc. is NOTHING WITHOUT THE DEVIL!!! You can't have people running into your arms without fearing they will fall into mine!!! So the way I see it....YOU OWE ME!! COUGH UP THE DOUGH CRUCIFIX BOY! I want the ladies, the entourage, the media coverage. I want it all. I want that stupid golden goose from Willy Wonka and I want it now. I want the whole world Jesus H. Christ. (and by the way, the "H" in Jesus' name stands for the opposite of hetero.....uh oh, I think the tequila is coming back up)


What was I saying?




Yeah! I can has cheezburger!


THE DEVIL RULES

Talk about a waste

Pilgrims - On so many fronts, Lindsay Lohan is an absolute disaster.

  Lindsay is gonna get some self appreciation time in prison and go to some rehabilitation classes.  You see, fame and fortune came way to fast and way too early for Lindsay.  She was not equipped to deal with the success her me given talents would bring her.

Because of her successes, she forgot all about me.  She ran amuck.  Drinking, snorting, partying, screwing, etc.  You know - partaking in all the "-ing sins."

Due to the life she's led over the last few years, she is nothing more than a  wasteland.  Tattered and torn.  Inside and out.  All used up.  Look at her picture.  She looks horrible.  And the thing is, she brought ALL of this on herself.  So disappointing.

I remain optimistic that her 90 days of self appreciation time and rebab classes will be good for her.  Something magical happens when people hit the bottom.  They begin searching.  Searching for meaning.  Searching for the way.  My way.  When down, out and on the skids, that's where people find me.  Almost always.  It's amazing.  I am always there.  I know everything.  My love does not waver.  I'm everywhere.  Somehow it takes being a bottom feeder for people to realize just how valuable a relationship with me is.  In my strength, people find their strength.  We make 'sinergy.'

Those rehab programs also place an emphasis on developing a relationship with me.  My strength brings them strength.  Blahblahblah.

So Lindsay, now that the world is starting to seem like this cold, mean place, I am waiting for you.   Ready to accept you and love you.  Are you ready?  Ready for a real relationship with a REAL man?  Are you ready to feel all shiny and new?  All you have to do is say the world and I'll be there.

Until then, enjoy your meaningless existence on planet earth.  Get your act together.  Pick up the phone.  Call now.  I have operators are standing by to meet with you and pray with you.   And, if you call within the next 30 minutes, I'll throw in a free t-shirt!

Love, Jesus.

There's an app for that!

Pilgrims - You know James Bond had GoldFinger.  Some people like to play pull my finger.  Now you can shoot my finger, the GodFinger.  See here:  GodFinger 

How awesome is this?  The team at Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) worked overtime on this one.  Everything in the press about Apple being a pain in the butt is completely correct.  We revised this bad-boy 10 times before they approved it.  First, they didn't want to allow religuous applications.  We got them on that whole bible thing.  Then they said it didn't work right or do what we said it did. After the 10 revisions, we gave up and told Brother Job what it really did do and he was good with it.  I don't know what the problem with a little white lie is.  Everyone tells them.

Less I digress...

Pretend you're me.  Seriously.  Close your eyes and pretend you're me.  Next, fire up the g(od)Phone and run GodFinger.  Let your spirit run free.  Run around this mythical world doing my work and see how cool it is and how much impact you can have on others.  Especially, if they accept me as their lord and savior.  Go out prospecting. Work a few miracles.  Bring some virtual members to the club.  Whoever is successful at this may be next in line to inherit the throne.  If you are as good, if not better than, doing my work than I am, you are worthy.  I will hang my head in shame.

Less I digress...  Again...

The real purpose in creating this little 'simulation' is to let you heathens mortals experience my daily conflict.  Do good or do bad?  Use my powers to help people, hurt people or just toy with their emotions.  For me, it depends on my mood.  A lot of times you people are more source of entertainment.  A comedy if you will.  Other times, I genuinely like to help and heal people.  Sometimes I am down right mean. Anything to lift my spirits....

So, next time you feel like shooting the finger, shoot my finger, the GodFinger....

Love, Jesus!

PS - Pull my finger! Thpppttt..  LOL!!!

Father's Day with Jesus?

Oh brother.  I am the Father, Son and Holy Spirit.  Yesterday was Father's Day and not one of my  children acknowledged me in song or prayer.  Yo - I'm the Father of everyone.  I played a key role in making every single person on this planet and they treat Father's Day just like any other date in the calendar.

I guess it's the same with any Father.  We give our best to our kids.  We provide for them.  We want the best for them.  We discipline when appropriate.  Sometimes harshly - but it's all in the name of Love.  All we need is Love...

Less I digress...  It's my gift to you.  Unconditional love.  I will always love you and ask for nothing in return.  Although, a card or a telephone call would be nice.  Especially on Father's Day.

I've always got Barney and friends to keep me company...  "I love you.  You love me..." If you know what I mean.

This is a better way to celebrate anyway.  I know the ladies are excited to see my "O-Face!"

Love, Jesus!

Jesus Phone

Oy vey!  Heaven's to Betsy.  Like everyone else, I need the latest toys and gizmos to automate my life.  You know - so I can keep up with the Jones's.

I tried to order one of those fancy new white iPhone 4's.  Let me tell you.  I think I tried 50 times starting at 3 in the morning and then in-between my meetings with perspective club members.  I tried over and over and over again yielding the same results....  A complete cluster plagued by gremlins.  Gizmo and his cronies are having a hey-day wreaking havoc on the believers in brother Jobs empty promises of making he thinks will change the world, again.  Then, come to find out, I can't even get a white one.  WTF? I am JESUS and I get what I want when I want it.

If I ran JESUS! Inc the same way AT&T does business, my little club would be non-existent.  Imagine me, saying I will forgive you of your sins and making you new again and then kick you and make your life worse.  Do I do that?  No.  When you accept me as your lord and savior, forgiveness is guaranteed.  My deal with you will never be broken.  I stake my life on it.

I called brother Job on the phone to get some insight as to what is going on.  You know what he says, "Yo G!  (Excuse me, that should be "Yo J") I don't care what the problem is.  I built enough hype around my invention and turned on the money faucet.  My bank account is overflowing.  If you took every single dollar I have and placed them next to each other in perfectly, they would cover the Earth in 3 layers.  That's not even including the money from the last day.  I am rich.  Filthy rich.  I wipe my ass with $100's.  I make the rules.  I don't care. Deal with it."  Then he abruptly hangs up on me.  He hangs up on ME?  Seriously.  His audacity overwhelms me.

Excuse me brother Job?  Now that Satan is on our side, I see you have taken his place.  It is war.  Game on.

And, there's one more thing.  Remember that liver I got for you?  Next time, you will not be so lucky.  I'm giving your room in my mansion to Woz.  Muwahahahaha.

Biker Rally

Geezus - I had such a good time at Bike Week at Daytona earlier this year.  We launched the street team, did a revival, people got saved, I walked on water, yaddayaddayadda....

I decided to take the chopper down to the little biker rally being held in the great state of Texas.  Those people are absolutely nuts.  This wasn't so much of a bike week... more like a weekend of complete debauchery.  Worse than Azazele's rumspringer project for the idiots representing the vatican...

Less I digress...

So, I'm there and I try standing on my motorcycle while riding into the meet.

I thought it'd be really cool to make an entrance.  I fell off, they all laughed at me.  t was all cool until something happened with the throttle and the next thing I know the motorcycle takes off, flying into the crowd of spectators.  While this is happening, I am instantly thrust into the air doing a back flip off my bike.  All of a sudden, the spinning starts, I land on my bum and hear this loud crack.  I broke my tail bone. I tried to laugh it off, but dang...  That hurt.  It took me performing a miracle to even get off the ground.  I gave a wave to the people and bowed down with what little pride I had left while they were laughing at me.  Didn't help matters.

I immediately made my way over to one of the Bandidos and grabbed the joint he was smoking right out of his hand.  Took a monster drag off it.  Inhale.. Hold.... Exhale...  Repeat 2x.  The bandido leader looks at me and laughs.  The next thing I know I am being picked up and carried over their heads like I am a superstar.

They take me over to the center of the crowd.  There was this boxing ring like thing set up.  Midgets were wrestling with eachother.

What a hoot seeing these little people bashing eachother's heads in and pounding eachother.  The headbuts, the jumping, the teasing and talking trash one another.  The crowd is going wild.  I am laughing at the top of my lungs... like a hyena... Because I am stoned.

I'm wondering around in a daze.  I see some guys slamming beers with a bong.  Sign me up.  I'm there.  I partake in the festivities...  The bikers are all laughing and pointing at me.

All of a sudden, I was jolted out of my deep slumber.  Thank me it was just an intense dream.  I look around and I am laying down in a parking lot next to a box.  I push the box over and I look around.  I see the boxing ring where the midget wrestling was taking place.

Oh no....This really happened...  I got a huge headache...  Must be a hangover.  I slowly get orientated to my surrounding and see my bike off in the distance - probably where it landed after it sped off while I was standing on it while riding on it.  Trying to be cool didn't work out too well last night.  I manage to pick up the bike, I sit on it and look in the mirror.

You'll never believe it.  My reflection reveals they shaved my head...  And my eyebrows...  They used a sharpie to draw my eyebrows on.  I also have a mustache drawn on.

How on Earth am I going to explain this?

My popularity

Believers - I am gravely concerned.  Concerned about my lack of popularity on the internet.  Yes, we are number eight on the google search.  Yes, we have a facebook page.  People land on our creative writing project from all over the world searching on various subjects.  Side note - the most searched on topics are "ChristFest Planning" and Tammey Faye.  Not Joke.

Less I digress...

Our growth  has been stunted.  What's the deal?  I figured we'd continue building momentum and become big.  Like really BIG.  Giant.  Huge.  A force in my movement.  For some reason that hasn't happened.  What's the deal?

For the good girl doing bad things

This goes out to all the good girls doing bad things.  Whenever going on an 'overnight' experience with a member of the opposite sex, carry your accoutrements (I love that word) in this handy overnight bag.

I hope images of me will help you remember you are a child of mine.  I have given you the perfect resource to get and keep your life on track.  It is my guide to successful living and autobiography.  Commonly referred to as the bible.

Just think - it's better to pray for wisdom and guidance instead of praying you're not pregnant.  Especially out of wedlock.  I frown on that.

I gave Rimmer one of these just after she won the little beauty pageant.  You can have one too for the low prices of $9.99.  Offer good while supplies last.

And ladies always remember to bare your soul before you bare your bod.

Love, Jesus!

Jesus Wrapper

Hello Constituents.

This gives me goose bumps.  My efforts to make inroads with all cultures is paying off.  I saw this on a billboard in East LA.  The home of the bloods and the crips.  Yeah.  This is what it's all about.  Bringing the salt of the Earth into a sweet, loving relationship with the father.  When these 'gangsters' accept me as their lord and savior, you should see their faces light up and the gleam in their eyes.  It is quite beautiful.

These new club members are awed at the power of my forgiveness.  It's like they're born again.  They are shiny and new.  A clean bill of health.  An empty slate waiting to be written on.  Ah, the power of forgiveness.  It's a shower that cleanses the soul of sin.

Usually when we get one of the gangsters as a member of our little club, we are both crying.  The emotion is overwhelming.

I know we are doing good for the world.  We are making the world a better place.  It's quite simple - reach out to those doing bad in the world.  Love them and care for them.  Their allegiances quickly shift to a pure, joyful and innocent relationship fundamentally based on unconditional love.

I love knowing the impact I have on the lost and confused.  Be me for a day and see just how fulfilling life can be.

Love, Jesus!

I suggest you avoid this like the plague

Dear Believers - It has recently come to my attention that a clergyman told one of my dear believers to stop reading because what I do is wrong.  Excuse me?  A clergyman telling one of my children not to read the thoughts and words from the Father? Oh boy...

My child, first off, I am your shepherd.  You are my sheep.  I gave you a brain to think for yourself.  With all my heart, I believe you are free to make your own choices without having to listen to the bad apples in the barrel.  I am most disappointmented in you dear believer.  If you enjoy my work, stand up for yourself and our movement.  Get out from under 'the man's' thumb.

This leads us to another problem.  The brotherhood of the priesthood.  The bad apples in the barrel.  Mr. Clergyman - You're fired.  Leave your robe and collar by the door and never come back.  You are no longer welcome to minister on my behalf.  I will see to it that you never, ever, ever preach in this town again.  In case you forgot, your job is to facilitate the sheep to have a relationship with me.  I forgive people of all their sin and make them shiny and new again.

Obviously, Mr. Clergyman, you are part of the problem and cause people to stray from me.  Just because your ideas don't mesh with mine does not give you the right to 'suggest' people seek guidance and principles for living a successful life from other sources.  I am for you, who can be against you?  Exactly.

So, Mr. Clergyman - take your tortured soul and go elsewhere.  I am sure there is some snake oil salesman who can use your services more than I.  Loser.

Less I digress...

So, dear believer, please know I am waiting for you to again see the light.  Let's work on repairing the damage Mr. Clergyman has done to our relationship.  When your head has cleared, I am waiting with open arms to forgive and love you.  And you know what dear believer?  I know you will sneak a peak.  I am like crack and porn.  You're addicted to me.  I am a habit you can not break.

J-Dawg!

Spoke to Mother Nature

Greetings.  I just got off the phone with Mother Nature trying to comfort her.  She was weeping over the crisis in the gulf.  Seriously.  All the water being contaminated.  The animals and fishies getting covered in goo.  What a mess.  Her tears were flowing like niagara falls.  She is mourning the destruction.  Her heart is heavy.  She wonders if your addiction to oil is worth ruining the ecosystem I made for you.  It was bound to happen.  The risks associated with getting my black gold would eventually catch up to you.  You think this is bad?  Wait until the next one.  Leave my planet alone.  You'll be sorry.  How bad do I have to make it before you stop messing with it?

What do I do to resolve the situation?  I offer forgiveness to those who caused this.  How lame.  It's what I do.  I forgive those who ask and accept me as their lord and savior.  At least I'm consistent.

Less I digress...

I know for a fact there is a farmer in Iowa that knows exactly how to plug that well.  The problem is no one will listen to him because he's "just a farmer."  Hm.

In the meantime, the goo will continue gushing from the hole until someone can think outside the box and listen to some good ol' southern engineering from my man in Iowa.

Love, Jesus

Get Saved Today and Receive a Free Gift

Hello - For those of you sitting on the fence deciding whether or not to accept me as your Lord and Savior, maybe this will be the deal maker:

That's right.  Free T-Shirts to all who accept me as their lord and savior.  Pretty neat, huh?  I should have thought of this a long time ago.

And, I tell you what...  If you take the leap today, I'll even through in a sampler pack of Holy Water!

Think of it as an incentive to come to the Father.  Normally being forgiven of all your sins and made shiny and new is good enough.  However, we are not meeting our YTD goal - so think of this as a Jesus stimulation package.

Come and get it while the gettin' is good!

Love, Jesus.

PS - Offer good while supplies last and may be withdrawn at any time.

Plastic Surgery - Appearance is EVERYTHING!

Before long, I'm gonna look like Michael Jackson and Heidi Montag.  When I had my make over after the resurrection I changed my look.  I think I took it a little too far.  Now I want to have it corrected.  You know - to tame down the metro look...  What was I thinking?  Apparently I was thinking about scoring with the ladies....  Even I am flawed...  The dumbstick wasn't my smartest move, was it...

Less I digress..

Now I am thinking I should morph into something more like Tom Hanks.  It's a more conservative look.  A little more innocent yet respectable.  Something the way most people look.  Not ultra attractive but not ugly, either.  Just a regular Joe Vs. the Volcano.  Actually, I'm a regular Jesus.

Less I digress again...

This time Oprah and Dr. Oz aren't too interested in helping me out.  They assisted last time because I was gonna do that little interview.  I didn't like the direction the project was going.  The deal is off.  Oprah is not happy right now.   Everyone knows what happens when Oprah gets angry....  For the first time in my life I'm gonna get a firsthand taste of being on the crap side of her stick.  Ew.  Maybe a couple dozen donuts will make amends?

So, I am seeking surgery in India - I hear Dr. Sanjay Gupta is the hookup man.  If I find someone I can trust, I will go under the knife again.  It's all in the name of fame.  My image is one of my most valuable assets.  If it isn't perfect, my market value could be compromised and that would hurt our little club and the company.  Must remain loyal to Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) shareholders.

I hope my nose doesn't fall off when all is said and done.

If it does, I know this fantastic carpenter from the old world who could fix me up.  No, I'm not a do it yourselfer...  My guy did work for Pinocchio...

And that, ladies and gentlemen is why they call me "Captain 12 inch!"

Over and Out - Jesus!

My version of physical beauty

Yo Sheep - Did you see the little Ms. USA pageant last night.  It was live from Las Vegas - IceMan's paradise...  Normally I am completely opposed to pageantry unless I am involved.  However, I am so pleased to see Rima Fakih win.  Here is mugshot from before she was famous...

You know what's really cool?  I created her from an egg and a sperm.  Her parents did the nasty and then I went to work.  I created a master piece.  It all goes back to my passion for exquisite  design.  Just look at her.

She was kind of an ugly baby.  I planned it that way so she would appreciate her looks as she came of age.  Her evolution was nice to watch.  Going from a gangly and awkward teenager to this..

Why don't I do this for everyone?  It's hard to do.  Everything has to be done just right.  To the T.  No shortcuts. No fillers.  No expired parts and no factory refurbishments.  Plus, if I did do this for everyone, the population of your planet would be significantly less.  Thereby reducing your potential mate selection.  But, when I am manic the creative juices start flowing and this is what I am capable of.  This is when I do my best work.

I hope she remembers me as she rides the wave of fame.  Rimmer (that's her nickname) just remember I am your Lord and Savior.  Please continue to live by the the principles I taught you in my autobiography and guide to successful living.  The path you have walked with me has served you well.

And Rimmer, please remember you are just as beautiful on the inside as you are on the outside.  Bare your soul before you bare your bod.  If you need any support, I am just a prayer away.

Love, Jesus.

Holy Water!!!

Hey, I know bottled water is bad for the environment.  I get it - putting water in plastic bottles and trucking it all over my green Earth.  However, if you insist on drinking bottled water, you may as well drink mine!

Check it out:  One for every aspect of your life:  

• Defense - Against the enemy - well, actually that's not needed anymore because IceMan is on our side now.  Let's just say it has tons of vitamins and minerals - the next best thing to eating dirt.
• Freedom - From the stresses of daily life.  You could get the same benefit by accepting me as your lord and savior.  For some though - this will get you started.
• Focus - So you can be all you can be.  
• Formula J - My special blend...  Try it, you'll like it.  

So there you have it - another amazing innovation by Team Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)
Yet another way we're maximizing profits AND shareholder/stakeholder value. 

It's so beautiful.  It moves me to tears.

Thirsty?  

Jesus Likes Beauty

"Girls with big boobs have big butts.  Girls with little boobs have little butts.  That's the way it goes.  God doesn't jack around; he's a fair guy.  He gave the fatties big beautiful boobs and the skinnies little tiny niddlers.  It's not my rule.  If you don't like it, call him." - Rose O'Donnel.  From the movie Beautiful Girls.  Edited for PC by Jesus.

Well, isn't this an interesting topic for the day...  I, along with brother Jobe, am passionate about design.  There is nothing more beautiful than a perfectly sculpted, symmetrical and balanced design.  If one aspect of my creation is disproportionate, the entire work is ruined.

For example, take Heidi Montag.  This woman ruined a perfectly created body.  Take a look.

Evolution #1

To this:

She's become the laughing stock of hollywood.  I wonder what happened.  She obviously didn't have a close relationship to the Father.  She will probably end up with back problems, in addition to some social outcasting.

Alas, I forgive her.  She's the only who has to live with herself.  I rest easy knowing I originally created perfection; but she didn't like it.  She was under the spell of fame and fortune.  Look what it did to her.

For everyone else, I designed you perfectly just the way you are.  Some of you may have some extra poundage; at least everything stays symmetrical.

Oh well...

Love, J-man

What is worship?

Hello brothers and sisters -

What exactly does worship mean?  The dictionary describes it as an expression of reverence and adoration for a deity (that'd be me).

Someone in the secular world has cracked our model for the contemporary worship service we've licensed to our franchise organizations.  Have a looksie:


"Sunday's Coming" Movie Trailer from North Point Media on Vimeo.

Sooner or later it was bound to happen.  This information is like someone exposing the top-secret recipe for Coca-Cola.  Or the way Colonel Sanders would feel if someone posted his original recipe.  I understand how Brother Jobe felt when someone recently revealed his iphone prototype.   All this proprietary information being exposed giving away our market advantage.  Can you believe how low some people will stoop.  Makes me sick.

At any rate, now you know how we craft the perfect worship experience and toy with your emotions and your feelings to draw you closer to me and plant that seed to become a member of our little club.  The lights, the sounds, the people we have doing the presentation....  It's all one big, beautifully choreographed work of art.  Presented just for you.  As a gift from me.  Just as the day is my present to you.  But the worship service - it's a special treat.  I hope you enjoy it wherever you choose to worship me.

Love!

Jesus!

PS - We are slowly doing away with the 'traditional' worship model.  The pipe organs and funeral hymns have got to go.  Pretty soon all the sheep who see that as enhancing their relationship with me will fall off the Earth and we can finally move to a single worship model.  One size fits all.  That's the way I like it.  Pure and simple.  If it has more than 3 moving pieces, throw it away.  It's too complicated.

I honor the place where your need for complexity and my gift of simplicity become one.

Namaste!

Just so everyone knows...

I have a fan page on facebook. That's how I roll.

- Your one and only.
------
Sent from my mobile device.

Your welcome

Azazel-zizzle here. Since my job is safe at Jesus! Inc. I wanted to present to you my latest contribution to getting the word of Jesus out there:

Comedy Central developing Jesus Christ cartoon

Comedy Central might censor every image of the Prophet Muhammad on "South Park," yet the network is developing a whole animated series around Jesus Christ.

As part of the network's upfront presentation to advertisers (full slate here), Comedy Central is set to announce "JC," a half-hour show about Christ wanting to escape the shadow of his "powerful but apathetic father" and live a regular life in New York City.
In the show, God is preoccupied with playing video games while Christ, "the ultimate fish out of water," tries to adjust to life in the big city.
"In general, comedy in purist form always makes some people uncomfortable," said Comedy Central's head of original programming Kent Alterman.
When asked if the show might draw some fire, especially coming on the heels of the network's decision to censor the Muslim faith's religious figure on "South Park," Alterman said its too early in the show's development to be concerned about such matters. 
"We don't even know what the show is yet," he said.
Like all Comedy Central executives, Alterman declined to address the recent controversy over "South Park," where the network aired a heavily redacted episode after the show's creators were threatened by an extremist Islamic Web site.
"JC" is produced by Reveille ("The Office"), Henrik Basin, Brian Boyle ("American Dad"), Jonathan Sjoberg and Andreas Ohman.


SPREAD THE WORD!

Too many prayers JC??

Azazel here with a comment on JC's previous post about too many prayers. Doesn't he know that everyone in the world is:

sorry. Couldn't resist

Word to the sheep. Man, this day of prayer thing is tough on the
senses. People are chanting, writing prayers in the form of letters,
meeting in small groups, blahblahblah.

Seriously though, this influx of praying is giving me a headache. It's
a lit like those new years resolutions. People are doing it because
there's a special day. Fear not, just like the gym, things will be
back to how they were in less than a month. You'll have your god back
and I'll have my sanity.

I should be overjoyed with the influx of prayers. Well, I would be if
these amateurs weren't stinking it up. It's as bad as the cheasters
coming to church twice a year.

What do I mean by amateur? Take Tommy and Jessica for example. Tommy-
I can't really do anything to help you beat that video game. You've
got to practice for that. Jessica, I can't make your Mommy and Daddy
stay married. They hate eachother and that's the way it is. Divine
intervention won't work in these situations. Deal with it and move on.

Maybe we should look at this as an opportunity to get new members in
our little club? Nah, this is just an excuse for the over zealous to
go even further over the edge.

So, pray away. Just remember, I don't have time to answer all your
prayers. I'll get to the ones I find interesting or novel. The rest of
you will be stuck waiting for an answer or thinking I've somehow
answered and dealing with the answer you got. I love this game.

Like the old saying goes...

Grace to all which passes all human understanding.

Suckers.
------
Sent from my mobile device.

Oh Me Oh My

Good God! (Yes, I am)...  I am busted.  In the drunken stupor of Nullus Pecco, I must have blacked out.  Yes, I was there.  I don't remember anything until reading IceMan's recount of the night.  Geez.  I can't believe it... I made a mistake (again).  This puts me in an embarrassing situation.  Who am I?  What have I done?

Ok..  I'll level with you.  I participated in Nullus Pecco.  I was there as we rolled into town.  Iceman mentioned Captain Twelve Inch was never caught?  Who's Captain Twelve Inch?  I'm Captain Twelve Inch...  Now you know why women call me a God and men worship me.   It's part of my universal appeal.  Dudes and Dudettes - I invented the footlong waaaay before Subway.  Now you know what the female persuasion is always sayin' "Oh God, OhGod!  Oooh  Oh Oh YESYESYES" when they're doin' the nasty.  TMI.  I think I just crossed 'that' line...

Less I digress...

You've got to understand my predicament.  I simply cannot be seen participating in such debauchery.  My movement, my image, my company would all be ruined.  I would be seen as betraying all of you.  It would be terrible.  People's perception of me would be tainted and distorted.  I would come home and cry myself to sleep...  leading to staying in bed for days and days without eating.  Just laying there....  alone... in the dark.  Can any one of us afford to let that happen?

I asked for forgiveness.  Being me, of course I forgave myself without question.  Why can't you forgive me?   I'm only human.  Speaking of which, why can't you people forgive one another as well as yourselves?  The world would be such a beautiful place if we all lived a life of grace...  Follow my lead on this one.

Iceman - Now that I've bared my soul in public - Fear Not - I am here for you today as always.  As far as the rest of them - I'll let you figure it out.

Iceman - You are part of the inner circle.  Without you, there is no me.  You complete me.  And, just for the record, I am grateful for every contribution you have and will continue to make to Jesus! Inc.

Pack your bags - let's get out of here.  I wonder where the next Spirit flight is headed?

Later Gator - JDawg (aka Captain Twelve Inch)

The End of Satan??? (with Jesus! Inc.)

Azazel here. I know the title may be a bit dramatic, but there is a very good chance that my days with Jesus! Inc. are numbered. You see, I am writing this post from jail. Some run down, backwater jail deep in the middle of nowhere, Ohio. Not only that, but I am waiting for Jesus to come bail me out. Me and about a dozen catholic priests. Yeah, not good. It seems that my idea of Nullus Pecco was not such a good idea. 

(in case you need a reminder of what Nullus Pecco is, read this excerpt from my previous post "Saving the Face of Catholicism"...Once a priest has given himself to the cloth for ten years, he enters a period of Nullus Pecco. He will then be allowed to do whatever his heart desires and the church will not frown upon it. Each year Nullus Pecco will begin with a huge convention/rave at an undisclosed location and spread out from there. After a period of seven days (for poetic reasons of course), all the priests partaking in Nullus Pecco will then make a choice. Continue this period of sinless living or go back to the church, healthy with their choice to devote their lives to God. With this event, we are allowing the "diabetic" to eat his "candy" without fear of losing an eye.)

Sounded like a good idea didn't it? I thought so. A great way for our guys to let loose and refocus their lives and help stop the pedophile priest image that has taken over. It works for the Amish. So evites were sent out, an old barn was rented on the outskirts of town, decorations were put up. Pontius Pilate even made his famous guacamole dip. Everything was in place for a perfect week. If I had a conscience, it would have been screaming. 

The official kickoff began at 7pm on Monday night with a social mixer. About two hundred priests from all over the world were expected to attend. There was a DJ, some punch, streamers, the whole nine yards. The priests started making their way to the barn and began mingling and everything seemed like it would go well. Yet after an hour, the whole scene had turned into a junior high dance. A handful of priests stood in the corners of the room, quietly talking amongst themselves. Some sat on the benches, staring at their punch. Most everyone had grouped in with the people they already knew and didn't dare talk to anyone else. It was dreadful. I didn't know what to do. But as emcee of Nullus Pecco I had to do something. So I made my way to the center of the dance floor and was about to give a pep talk when I was saved by the most unlikely of people. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a very downward spiral. From outside of the barn I heard a car racing up the drive, heavy base booming from its subwoofers, tires screeching as it skidded to a stop, doors opening and loud voices laughing and yelling. I heard them approach the barn and could smell the distinct aroma of a certain medicinal plant. Suddenly the doors were kicked open and everything turned into a scene from some R-rated version of Footloose. There, in the doorway, backlit from their still beaming car headlights, stood five priests from the Archdiocese of Boston. The rebels of Catholicism dressed in their best Sunday robes, sunglasses, bling-bling crucifixes around their necks and one Michael Jackson glove on their right hand. One of them was even wearing a costume poking fun at the reason for Nullus Pecco:

(I will admit that I snickered to myself when I saw it.) I turned to see the reaction of the other priests. Every single one of them stared at the Boston Five like a bunch of men on a nude beach seeing the first naked woman walking up. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of anticipation the "leader" of the Boston Five ran into the middle of the dance floor and yelled with his best Kevin Bacon impersonation, "I thought this was a party... Let's DANCE!!!!!!!!!!"

And with that, all hell broke loose. (Pardon my choice of words.) The music exploded to a deafening pace, blaring out a mix of the best dance songs from the 1980's. Pump Up the Jam, Push It,  It's Raining Men, All Night Long and so on. Everyone ran to the dance floor, surrounding the Boston Five. The priests threw their problems to the side and moved their bodies like they were swatting at a swarm of bees. The Boston Five began dancing. And what I mean is, Breakdancing. These guys could move! They started spinning and flipping and popping like I had never seen before. (oh, and a little side note for later. Those priests in the robes? Turns out they don't like to wear underwear. Yeah. Imagine finding THAT out while they do a backflip. Yikes.) Anyway, back to the evening. As the energy in the room rose, I was able to relax a little and enjoy the festivities. I even danced a little, had some punch, mingled with the crowd. It all seemed good. If only I knew that the punch had been spiked with ecstasy. By the middle of the night the barn looked like a mix of Jonestown, experimental theater, and the make-out room of a high school dance from the 70's. Smiling, laughing priests lie on the floor staring at their hands like they were angels. Others swayed to the sounds of the music, which by this time was just static since the DJ had passed out hours before. Still others had let go of all inhibitions and were getting up close and personal with some people that I don't think were invited to the party. Or priests. In fact, I think they were "working." But who am I to judge, everything is ok at Nullus Pecco. Plus, my vision was pretty blurred anyway, having drank about fifteen glasses of spiked punch.

Suddenly one priest, who had obviously had more than just the punch, jumped up off the ground screaming that he had to get out of there. That the walls were caving in. (I'll have what he's having) He ran towards the doors, missing them completely, and smashed through the wall to the outside. I ran towards him to see if he was ok but he never stopped running. I watched as he stripped down to his birthday suit and ran into the woods, disappeared from sight. All I could hear was his howling. I turned back to the others and a handful had stood up and were smiling. I guess they thought he was onto something. Before I knew it, a dozen naked, howling priests barreled through the walls of the barn and ran out into the night. What did I do? When in Rome....

You know, when I first thought of the idea of Nullus Pecco, I never once, in a million years, would have thought that the event would lead to Satan running naked through the woods of Ohio with a dozen howling, also naked, priests. It was like Lord of the Flies. We did anything we wanted to. We danced in the moonlight, we started a bonfire and chased each other with flaming sticks. We even came across a field of dairy cows and tipped them over. Every single one of them. Turns out you really can tip cows.

It was just past dawn when we came across the nearby town. Again, wish I had a conscience.

One priest decided it would be fun to act like an elite fighting force and infiltrate the town. Our mission was to find a box of twinkies. Sounded like a good idea to me. Our biggest worry would be figuring out our call signs.

So the Ice Man, Papa Confession, Altar Boy, Captain Twelve Inch (don't ask), Goose, Ninja Nun, Warlock, Bible Thumper, Genesis 2 (?) and Dolph Lundgren made our way into the town. We rolled behind mailboxes, hid behind street signs, tiptoed down the sidewalk. All things that we thought were super sneaky. We failed to realize that this was a farm town and most everyone in it awoke BEFORE dawn. So, needless to say, there were many, many, many witnesses to our mission. Not to mention that the forest behind us had caught on fire thanks to our bonfires. So everyone was awake for that. But that did not stop us. When we had made it half way through the town, we began noticing that we were being followed by a few police cars, an ambulance, and half of the town's population. They sure were sneaky. We never saw them coming. Bible Thumper first realized that the town's people were real and not his imagination when he tried to hide behind a rather large farmer in overalls. The man did not care to have a naked old man crouched at his feet. A quick punch in the face made reality crash down to Earth for all of us. We screamed that it was a trap and ran in all directions. I raced down a back alley and dove into a garbage bin. Not one of my proudest moments. But it did not last long before I was dragged out and handcuffed by the locals. Soon I was sitting in jail, a blanket thrown over me, as I waited for the others to be rounded up. Papa Confession was found in a tree, acting like a bird. Goose was pulled out of someone's swimming pool. He kept yelling Maverick. I guess he really loves the movie Top Gun. Warlock and Ninja Nun got caught in the laundromat watching clothes spin in the drier. Altar Boy didn't make it far. He fell to the ground in the fetal position and began confessing his sins. Dolph Lundgren stood over him and, quoting Rocky IV, said "If he dies, he dies." Bible Thumper tried to act like a statue at the High School. Genesis 2 tried to trick everyone and act like a local. He filled his mouth up with dip, started talking with a country accent, and was the one that actually caught Warlock and Ninja Nun. He was rather disappointed when he found out no one was fooled by the naked man spitting tobacco on the ground. Oh, and Captain Twelve Inch was never caught. As I write this, he is still at large....giggity.

That's about it. Once Jesus gets here, it's goodbye Azazel. I know that Nullus Pecco was supposed to allow the priests to "let go", but I think it may have gone a tad too far.  What with a forest fire and a bunch of naked men running through the town. so if this is my last post, it has been fun. I thank Jesus for this opportunity and will still try and convince people that he is the answer. I apologize to the members of this town. I am sorry about your forest but am glad you put it out so quickly. I don't know what will happen to the other priests back at the barn. After all, Nullus Pecco is supposed to be seven days and I got arrested after day one.

I will close with this. Catholicism isn't bad. A few apples may be bad, but not the whole bunch. Keep your head up, keep the Lord in your sites, and keep on keepin on.

Man I wish I had my pants.

Funeral Going Away Party

I was driving in the Jedi mobile yesterday and happened upon a funeral procession.  It was a nice parade with police escort, the black hearse, the limos and the mourners.  Let me tell you something.  Funerals are meant to be fun...  Like the greatest party in your life.  There's supposed to be drinking and dancing.  A roast if you will.  Lots of stories, lots of jokes.  People laughing.   For those experiencing a loss, this should be thought of as a bon-voyage party.  For the dearly beloved, this is homecoming.

Why?

Because the next destination is heaven!  The Greatest Place on Earth.

Enough with the wining and crying about your loss.  Celebrate the fact your loved one gets to come to heaven and live with me for as long as they are financially able to support the lifestyle.  We've got streets paved with gold.  Angelic singing available 24/7.  Pure environments.  Good food.  Lots of activities.  ChristFest all day, everyday....  It's quite beautiful and this ain't cheap.

If heaven is on Earth, why can't the "dead" be contacted?  Well, it is a secret location.  At Jesus!, Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) we had some ruthless negotiations with Google.  Man - those people think every bit of information should be available to the masses...  Hello - if that were the case, anyone could come to heaven when they haven't been invited.  No party crashers allowed.

The only way to get to heaven is when I call, you surrender and I come to get you...  See, I had this figured out long ago.  People look dead.  Upon their arrival, they are woken from this deep slumber they are a bit dis-orientated; not knowing how they got here or how long they've been here or how long they are going to stay.  The only thing they know is they are home.  Home with me.

We sit around the camp fire.  Sing Kum-by-ya..  Eat s'mores.  Reminisce of your time on earth and give a quick presentation helping you identify this once in a lifetime opportunity to secure your spot in Heaven's time share program.

Time Share?  Duh!  You think Heaven is big enough to sustain all the people of the ages?  Seriously?  No, there are a limited number of slots available.  What gets me is how the "assisted care" facilities or "nursing homes" manage to suck every last dime out of you keeping you sedated and continuing a miserable existence, eating mush,  peeing and pooping yourselves.  Does the average person want to blow the remainder of their life savings being miserable?

So, we do the presentation and get everyone in a tizzy to the point they can't wait to sign their life away.  How do we get everyone to sign? The prospectus contains plenty of beautiful pictures depicting pure bliss. We tell stories you want to be part of.  On the back cover, the monthly maintenance fees and terms of agreement are printed in microscopically.  It looks like a description or copyright release of the photos.  Sheer genius.

Then you sign your name, give it a kiss and guess what?  We gotcha!  A deal was just made with the devil!

Your life savings is suddenly being used to create a legacy.  My legacy.  We spread my story.  Build some excitement.  Engage with the mortals.  Get some new recruits who are way too excited to put their names on the waiting list to 'get in' to heaven.  Wahlah...  We have a constant revenue stream.

Golly.  I just love how my movement works.  All things point to me.  I give you forgiveness of each and every single one of your sins (well almost).  All your money flows to me and through me for the greater good.

Oh yeah..  And if someone happens to attend our presentation and doesn't sign on the x, we give them a free TV and brutally teleport them back to where we found them.  Ever had that feeling of being jolted out of deep slumber with no recollection what-so-ever of what happened?  That's how we roll.

It's a perpetual cycle.  It's beautiful.

Namaste - Jesus!

Night Life Pt 2 of 4

Purgatory is defined in many ways.  The brotherhood of the priesthood always tries to intimidate people into living a Godly life using the traditional definition as "a place or state of suffering inhabited by the souls of sinners who are expiating their sins before going to heaven."  I am so over the do's and don'ts the rotten franchise leaders and the brotherhood of the priesthood use to manipulate people.  My movement has always been about unconditional love and acceptance... none of these rules to live by.  I made suggestions with the original 10 suggestions.  Moses got cocky and called them commandments.  Anyway, almost anyone can come to heaven.  The only requirement is to accept me as Lord and Savior.  Less I digress

The other definition of purgatory, and the one I like, is "having the quality of cleansing or purifying."  

When people enter Sanctuary! they will be greeted with a spa like environment.  Kind to think of it, we will use the main entrance on the street side as a spa.  We can make money during 'business' hours and make even more money when Sanctuary! is open at night...

So, our spa will include tranquil music, beautiful artwork with stained glass windows and pictures depicting special events from my life - walking an water, feeding people, healing lepers, restoring sight, yadayadayada.  In addition we will enhance the environment with babbling fountains, rainforest smells and plenty of tropical plants.  The spa menu will include massages with happy endings, facials, pedis and manis, seaweed treatments, sauna and steam all offered in a relaxing environment.

We figure we can use the environment to introduce people to what I'm about.  Lots of opportunity to subliminally feed my message to more perspective club members.

The main entrance will be called the pearly gates.  St. Peter will be the door man.  Whether you get granted access or not is at his sole discretion.  After all, he is the gate keeper.  Once entering, our customer will enter into a big GREAT room with a picture of ME on the wall.  The floor and ceiling will be made of glass.  As stated earlier, this allows people to see their options.  Heaven and the underworld, (aka hell).

Brother Jobe has signed on to be our design 'consultant.'  His talents shouldn't be wasted on technology alone.  This is his opportunity to be part of something bigger than himself...  He immediately suggested the stairs be made of glass:

That's the shiznit.  Glass stairs leading above and below to compliment the ceiling and the floor.  Man, Brother Jobe is a genius.  He also suggested a  glass floor in the basement with a shark tank below.  There is a place called QUA utilizing the exact same concept.  This practically makes it a necessity to put the underworld under purgatory.

Now, our club has four levels - except the sharks on the bottom.  I figure the sharks will be will be a metaphor to all those opportunities waiting to devour your soul.  Pretty intense if you ask me.  The addition we are make is at the bar.  There will be fire.  It's going to be HOT down there.  Both in temperature and available entertainment.

I think we are going to change the name of the top floor from heaven to "the sky room."  Heaven might turn off people who are not yet members.  The sky room will look like this....

How neat is that...  The sky room...

I am pleased to be working with such talented people...  Our night clubs are going to ROCK!