The End of Satan??? (with Jesus! Inc.)

Azazel here. I know the title may be a bit dramatic, but there is a very good chance that my days with Jesus! Inc. are numbered. You see, I am writing this post from jail. Some run down, backwater jail deep in the middle of nowhere, Ohio. Not only that, but I am waiting for Jesus to come bail me out. Me and about a dozen catholic priests. Yeah, not good. It seems that my idea of Nullus Pecco was not such a good idea. 

(in case you need a reminder of what Nullus Pecco is, read this excerpt from my previous post "Saving the Face of Catholicism"...Once a priest has given himself to the cloth for ten years, he enters a period of Nullus Pecco. He will then be allowed to do whatever his heart desires and the church will not frown upon it. Each year Nullus Pecco will begin with a huge convention/rave at an undisclosed location and spread out from there. After a period of seven days (for poetic reasons of course), all the priests partaking in Nullus Pecco will then make a choice. Continue this period of sinless living or go back to the church, healthy with their choice to devote their lives to God. With this event, we are allowing the "diabetic" to eat his "candy" without fear of losing an eye.)

Sounded like a good idea didn't it? I thought so. A great way for our guys to let loose and refocus their lives and help stop the pedophile priest image that has taken over. It works for the Amish. So evites were sent out, an old barn was rented on the outskirts of town, decorations were put up. Pontius Pilate even made his famous guacamole dip. Everything was in place for a perfect week. If I had a conscience, it would have been screaming. 

The official kickoff began at 7pm on Monday night with a social mixer. About two hundred priests from all over the world were expected to attend. There was a DJ, some punch, streamers, the whole nine yards. The priests started making their way to the barn and began mingling and everything seemed like it would go well. Yet after an hour, the whole scene had turned into a junior high dance. A handful of priests stood in the corners of the room, quietly talking amongst themselves. Some sat on the benches, staring at their punch. Most everyone had grouped in with the people they already knew and didn't dare talk to anyone else. It was dreadful. I didn't know what to do. But as emcee of Nullus Pecco I had to do something. So I made my way to the center of the dance floor and was about to give a pep talk when I was saved by the most unlikely of people. Little did I know that this was the beginning of a very downward spiral. From outside of the barn I heard a car racing up the drive, heavy base booming from its subwoofers, tires screeching as it skidded to a stop, doors opening and loud voices laughing and yelling. I heard them approach the barn and could smell the distinct aroma of a certain medicinal plant. Suddenly the doors were kicked open and everything turned into a scene from some R-rated version of Footloose. There, in the doorway, backlit from their still beaming car headlights, stood five priests from the Archdiocese of Boston. The rebels of Catholicism dressed in their best Sunday robes, sunglasses, bling-bling crucifixes around their necks and one Michael Jackson glove on their right hand. One of them was even wearing a costume poking fun at the reason for Nullus Pecco:

(I will admit that I snickered to myself when I saw it.) I turned to see the reaction of the other priests. Every single one of them stared at the Boston Five like a bunch of men on a nude beach seeing the first naked woman walking up. Finally, after what felt like an eternity of anticipation the "leader" of the Boston Five ran into the middle of the dance floor and yelled with his best Kevin Bacon impersonation, "I thought this was a party... Let's DANCE!!!!!!!!!!"

And with that, all hell broke loose. (Pardon my choice of words.) The music exploded to a deafening pace, blaring out a mix of the best dance songs from the 1980's. Pump Up the Jam, Push It,  It's Raining Men, All Night Long and so on. Everyone ran to the dance floor, surrounding the Boston Five. The priests threw their problems to the side and moved their bodies like they were swatting at a swarm of bees. The Boston Five began dancing. And what I mean is, Breakdancing. These guys could move! They started spinning and flipping and popping like I had never seen before. (oh, and a little side note for later. Those priests in the robes? Turns out they don't like to wear underwear. Yeah. Imagine finding THAT out while they do a backflip. Yikes.) Anyway, back to the evening. As the energy in the room rose, I was able to relax a little and enjoy the festivities. I even danced a little, had some punch, mingled with the crowd. It all seemed good. If only I knew that the punch had been spiked with ecstasy. By the middle of the night the barn looked like a mix of Jonestown, experimental theater, and the make-out room of a high school dance from the 70's. Smiling, laughing priests lie on the floor staring at their hands like they were angels. Others swayed to the sounds of the music, which by this time was just static since the DJ had passed out hours before. Still others had let go of all inhibitions and were getting up close and personal with some people that I don't think were invited to the party. Or priests. In fact, I think they were "working." But who am I to judge, everything is ok at Nullus Pecco. Plus, my vision was pretty blurred anyway, having drank about fifteen glasses of spiked punch.

Suddenly one priest, who had obviously had more than just the punch, jumped up off the ground screaming that he had to get out of there. That the walls were caving in. (I'll have what he's having) He ran towards the doors, missing them completely, and smashed through the wall to the outside. I ran towards him to see if he was ok but he never stopped running. I watched as he stripped down to his birthday suit and ran into the woods, disappeared from sight. All I could hear was his howling. I turned back to the others and a handful had stood up and were smiling. I guess they thought he was onto something. Before I knew it, a dozen naked, howling priests barreled through the walls of the barn and ran out into the night. What did I do? When in Rome....

You know, when I first thought of the idea of Nullus Pecco, I never once, in a million years, would have thought that the event would lead to Satan running naked through the woods of Ohio with a dozen howling, also naked, priests. It was like Lord of the Flies. We did anything we wanted to. We danced in the moonlight, we started a bonfire and chased each other with flaming sticks. We even came across a field of dairy cows and tipped them over. Every single one of them. Turns out you really can tip cows.

It was just past dawn when we came across the nearby town. Again, wish I had a conscience.

One priest decided it would be fun to act like an elite fighting force and infiltrate the town. Our mission was to find a box of twinkies. Sounded like a good idea to me. Our biggest worry would be figuring out our call signs.

So the Ice Man, Papa Confession, Altar Boy, Captain Twelve Inch (don't ask), Goose, Ninja Nun, Warlock, Bible Thumper, Genesis 2 (?) and Dolph Lundgren made our way into the town. We rolled behind mailboxes, hid behind street signs, tiptoed down the sidewalk. All things that we thought were super sneaky. We failed to realize that this was a farm town and most everyone in it awoke BEFORE dawn. So, needless to say, there were many, many, many witnesses to our mission. Not to mention that the forest behind us had caught on fire thanks to our bonfires. So everyone was awake for that. But that did not stop us. When we had made it half way through the town, we began noticing that we were being followed by a few police cars, an ambulance, and half of the town's population. They sure were sneaky. We never saw them coming. Bible Thumper first realized that the town's people were real and not his imagination when he tried to hide behind a rather large farmer in overalls. The man did not care to have a naked old man crouched at his feet. A quick punch in the face made reality crash down to Earth for all of us. We screamed that it was a trap and ran in all directions. I raced down a back alley and dove into a garbage bin. Not one of my proudest moments. But it did not last long before I was dragged out and handcuffed by the locals. Soon I was sitting in jail, a blanket thrown over me, as I waited for the others to be rounded up. Papa Confession was found in a tree, acting like a bird. Goose was pulled out of someone's swimming pool. He kept yelling Maverick. I guess he really loves the movie Top Gun. Warlock and Ninja Nun got caught in the laundromat watching clothes spin in the drier. Altar Boy didn't make it far. He fell to the ground in the fetal position and began confessing his sins. Dolph Lundgren stood over him and, quoting Rocky IV, said "If he dies, he dies." Bible Thumper tried to act like a statue at the High School. Genesis 2 tried to trick everyone and act like a local. He filled his mouth up with dip, started talking with a country accent, and was the one that actually caught Warlock and Ninja Nun. He was rather disappointed when he found out no one was fooled by the naked man spitting tobacco on the ground. Oh, and Captain Twelve Inch was never caught. As I write this, he is still at large....giggity.

That's about it. Once Jesus gets here, it's goodbye Azazel. I know that Nullus Pecco was supposed to allow the priests to "let go", but I think it may have gone a tad too far.  What with a forest fire and a bunch of naked men running through the town. so if this is my last post, it has been fun. I thank Jesus for this opportunity and will still try and convince people that he is the answer. I apologize to the members of this town. I am sorry about your forest but am glad you put it out so quickly. I don't know what will happen to the other priests back at the barn. After all, Nullus Pecco is supposed to be seven days and I got arrested after day one.

I will close with this. Catholicism isn't bad. A few apples may be bad, but not the whole bunch. Keep your head up, keep the Lord in your sites, and keep on keepin on.

Man I wish I had my pants.

Motor vehicle license plates

I'm driving down the interstate in the pope cruizer.  I look up and see a license plate reading, "U R LORD".  I pull up to the dude, yelling out the window.  He rolls his window down.  I yell - Hey Man - You're right, I am LORD!  He smiles, waves and gives a big thumbs up!  He knew me when he saw me.  I blessed him.

Now, some of the fine states in our union are allowing 7 characters.  I put an application in with the department of motor vehicles to change the cruizer's license plate to read "IAMLORD" - that's only going to be on the cruizer.

My daily driver already reads "JEDI"  For those wondering what kind of car I drive among the mortals, see below:

Handling is heavenly.  Plus, I really like the LED lights below the headlights.  They look really cool when I'm leading you to lead a godly life according to the principles in my biography and guide for successful living.  

Azazele has one, too - see below:

His plate reads "VADER" and people are always shocked when he's drafting on their tail, knocking at the back door.

It's way cool when Satan and I are screaming down the road zig-zagging through traffic.  Both he and I love dancing between the raindrops when behind the wheel.

As a side note, Pope Lavartheus is still in training.  His motor vehicle's license plate reads "PADAWAN."  When he's not rolling the cruizer, this is his daily driver.  It looks good but doesn't go very fast or handle very well.  Baby steps my friend, baby steps.

For those concerned about the money Jesus! Inc (NYSE JSUS) is spending on transportation - fear not.  Just because I am the Lord your God doesn't mean I've got to slum it.  I work hard for you and deserve the fruits of my labors.  Seed time and harvest, baby.

Rock On Believers, Rock On! - J-Dawg the HOTdog!

Satan's Anthem

Come on... Everyone knows it true...

Elton John - aka Hell Boy / Jim Carrey

Hello Pilgrims - Uh...  I think Elton John (known as hell boy from here on out) has crossed the line and hit a new low.  He has taken Azazel's role as King of the Underworld.  Homeskool had this to say about me:
"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems."
He got a few things right - I am compassionate, super intelligent and I understand human problems.  As mentioned earlier, I created many tools available for my children to help themselves.  If the eyes were open and my children could see the resources already in existence.  Maybe I need to plant some seeds so more people may choose to become social service representatives.


So we got a gay man calling me a gay man?  See - this is what my ghost writer was talking about earlier this week.  Different people know me in different ways.  Some of those ways are completely sick, twisted and demented.  Obviously, Hell Boy isn't too familiar with what people have written about me in my biography and guide to principally centered successful living.  Do you think Mary Magdalene and I were just good friends?  We were CLOSE friends.  And by close, I mean there is a dress with something on it and some voice mails and, well - you get the idea.  Everyone thinks I am immune to desires of the flesh - seriously?  Remember that little comment about skipping the penis on the male body?  Do you think Mary would come to my tomb and be utterly shocked and dismayed to find me missing?  Mary was the first person to see me after the resurrection.  She wasn't there to satisfy her curiosity.  She was mourning the loss of her life partner; that's the very reason I chose to see her first.  


M&M's are my favorite candies - they melt in your mouth, not in your hands.  Well, sorta..  Less I digress.  Mary was carrying some with her to remember me.  A little momento of the intimate times we shared.  She held them about to pour them into my hands - and you can guess what happened next...  It was awkward and embarrassing.  


Or, what if Mary M. was hitting the medicinal marijuana kinda hard as she mourned the loss of her lover.  She was more than likely in a state of total hallucination?  She wanted me so bad, she had a vision.  A vision of me in my golden splendor descending from on high.


Back to HellBoy - Slandering my name and wrongly accusing me of being a homosexual?  I don't know if or when I can forgive him for making those wrongful and hurtful accustations.  Satan, please go back to your old ways just this once.  Pretty please?

The mortals are on a quest to know me and understand where you fit in this game I created called life.  I preach about your power combining with my power.  I preach the fact that you were made in my likeness.  That means you exist in the physical and non-physical world simultaneously.  It's like having one foot on Earth and one in the Heavens.  My child Jim has made the transformation and now understands.  He is sharing the good news.


The Real Jim carrey from EckhartTolle TV on Vimeo.

Whose Little Light?

Brothers and Sisters - Let's talk about that little light.  That little light is mine.  I give it to you through the good news and you proclaim and let it shine for all the world to see.  Your love for me is amazing.  My love for you is even greater than your love for me.  I am so proud to be your Father - I get teary eyed just thinking about it.

I'll admit it.  I enjoy a good football game every now and then.  I've always enjoyed the college games more than the professional games.  The spirit of competition to see who has prepared to take on their opponent and executes best.  I love to see teams and coaches correct when they are behind to fight the good fight and maybe earn victory.  I love the bands.  I love the spirit and camaraderie it creates among teams.  There's a special electricity in the air when it's going to be a good competitive game with impassioned fans.  The smell of the popcorn, enjoying a beer and a good wiener in the stands - maybe some nachos, too....   To a lesser degree, I enjoy hearing the trash talk, too.  Satan and I always get a good laugh when we watch football together.

One of our favorites is watching those famous touchdown end-zone celebrations.  Dude scores some points, drops to one knee, does the fist pound on the chest, makes the sign of the cross and points to heavens.  Kisses his finger and points to the heavens again.  Rock on brother... rock on.  Give me thanks and praise for your athletic agility and skill.  Give thanks that you are strong and able to play football.  I have blessed you with many gifts.  Give me praise, give me praise, give me praise. Yadayadayada...

As this occurs, Satan and I look at each other and bust out laughing.  We point at the idiot on the field doing all his shenanigans.  The dude is making a spectacle of himself thinking he's glorifying me.  Did he ever stop and think that this is why people mock me, him and our movement?  Does he not remember the stories in the bible referring to being humble.  If you ask me, it looks like these types are breaking one of my commandments - the one about 'bearing false witness.'  Last time I checked football was a team sport.  Give thanks to those who made the play along with you -  the coaches, the fellow brethren players, etc.  It's not about you.  It's about us.  Lift up everyone.  I didn't make that touchdown - your team made it possible.  Your preparations, the execution, the random selection that everyone would be in the right place at the right time.  Taking the opportunity that presents itself because your team has adequately prepared for competition by studying the opponent, practicing and executing better than the other guy.  Do a little celebration - give some high fives, etc.

When it is all said and done.  Each game is started with an invocation prayer in the locker room.  You ask to win, you ask for safety and guidance.  You give thanks.  Give a good "AMEN!" do some chest humps and get all psyched up to fight for victory.  Victory is already yours - you got it when you accepted me as your lord and savior and asked for forgiveness of your sins - it is yours for the asking....  At any rate, when was the last time anyone prayed to me after a loss.  When do they pray for the fact they are able to play when the lose or pray and give thanks for the other team inspiring them to practice harder to become better athletes?  Prayer works both ways.  Pray for the blessings and celebrations.  Pray for thanks.  Pray for guidance.  Pray for this.  Pray for that.  Pray.  Pray pray pray.  Pray all the time.  In the morning and the night.  We are all winners, we are all victorious.  Get that through your heads.  Then pray some more.  It is good for you.  It's like your daily God vitamin.

So the little video at the top of today's entry?  All the lost and confused souls doing their praise me after a touch down look like Brother Smith banging his tambourine. You be the judge....  Actually, that is my job.  The play stands as called.

Peace to you - Jesus!

Jesus products

Azazel here.
As part of my new role in Jesus Inc., I have been asked to help in the marketing of Jesus and his image. Anything and everything that will help Jesus get his presence out into the world in a more "hip" way. Yes I know his mug is all over every christian church on the planet, but lately, not a lot of people are going INTO those churches. So we need new ways of reaching the people. The popester has already introduced the new TV show "Pope My Ride" and that is awesome. So I knew going into this venture that I had to bring something big to the table.

I started thinking of things that I used to do to turn people AGAINST Jesus. I was pretty successful so I thought I could use that strategy in reverse. Then it came to me. Children! I used to mess with every kid from the moment they could walk all the way through high school. Puberty was a HUGE time for me to get new recruits. I mean think about it. Kids are so easily influenced and all I had to do was mess with a few blockbuster movies or a few music albums, and they were mine. You remember the whole Beatles controversy? The one where people thought you could hear "Paul is dead" when you played the record backwards? Yeah, I loved that story. So I stole the idea. If you were able to rewind a dvd with sound, try doing it with any Barney episode and see what you find. Man there is some sick stuff being said!

I am rambling a bit so I will get on with it. In lieu of my new role as a "good guy", I would like to unveil a new line of kid's toys that are sure to help bring the kiddies to Jesus. I give you...G.I. Jesus




This is just the first step to bringing Jesus back into the lives of all mankind.
Peace be in you. Or however it goes. Hey, I'm new here, give me a break!

Azazel's role in Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

So a lot of people have been asking about my joining with Jesus Inc. They want to know what my agenda is or what trick I have up my sleeve. The other day, Terry (the HDIC in Hell) came up to me and said he wanted "in". I said, "in?". He said "yeah, whatever your play to screw with Jesus is, I want in." He didn't believe me when I said there was no angle. There is no trick. I am joining Jesus Inc. to help spread the amazing word of Jesus Our Saviour. That's' it. Seriously. No really, Jesus needs all the help he can get.

You see, ever since I gave the idea to Thomas Newcomen to build the first piston and cylinder engine way back in the 1700's, thus beginning the Industrial Revolution, my job has been SUPER easy. Once industry began to spring up, capitalism began to grow, and the rest is history. Back in the middle ages, people's lives were crap. So who did they look to? Religion. The religious leaders of that time were just as powerful as Kings and Queens. My job was rough! Everyone turned to God for help. Once I helped Tom build that first engine, and people realized they could build a way to a better life, well they stopped looking to God for answers and started looking for mechanics.

Then we hit the 20th century and my job became a breeze! The roaring 20's started the water boiling for excessive living and blasphemy. Then some dude tries to kill some other dude and we have World War 1. So the water keeps boiling. Then along comes Hitler. (and just as a side note, I had NOTHING to do with Hitler. That guy is a nutcase. Someone didn't get hugged enough as a child. Heck, I don't even talk to him at bingo night in Hell). Yet World War 2 blew industry out of the water. America became obsessed with power. (Which is good to a certain point, but the more power there is, the more corruption there is.) Satan Enterprises was doing so well that I took a sabbatical for the entire 1960's. All I did was listen to Janis, Jimi and The Who and enjoy life.

The 70's depressed the Hell right back into me and I went back to work for a bit, but to be honest, I haven't done much at all in the last 30 years. The last good work I can take credit for is Breakin 2: Electric Boogaloo. But I didn't need to work hard, the damage had been done. By the end of 2009, it seemed that the whole world had turned upside down. Everyone was at war with someone, women were giving birth to 300 kids just so they could get a tv show, fathers were pretending that their sons were flying away in giant helium balloons. The whole darn world was crazy.

I looked around and realized, my job was boring. There was no one left to corrupt. And I always figured if the world was completely corrupt, then JC's dad would just flood everything up again and we would have to start from scratch. That's a pain in the behind. So I decided that I would even things out a bit. Help Jesus and Pope Pockets get people back on the "good" side. The truth is, I like Earth. I like the people. I don't want to declare victory yet, just so the big man upstairs can end it all and start over.

Well there you have it. Azazel, JC, the Popester, and John the Baptist joining forces to bring people to the light. Praise Jesus Inc.


Oh, and JC, I found this tape from our game night. MAN, you got me good.

The things I do

I just wanted to show everyone an example of the type of things that I do. Natural disasters...no. But this video? Definitely my work!!



yours,
Azazel

About Last Night

Ok - Yes...  It's true - Satan and I do, on occassion, hang out and uh, play games at the mansion.  He brings the water and I turn it to wine.  Our evening always start with a high five, a quick laugh.  See, we are really on the same team.  He is the yang to my yin.  I hate to say it - you are all pawns in our game of chess - which we played last night.  As always, he cheated...  Argh.  After we were done playing chess, we played a few quick games of 'hang man.'  Man, I hate that one.  It brings back some painful memories.

Next up we hit the peyote kind of hard.  Dude, we were both feeling soooo good.  Both of us got the munchies.  Unleavened bread just doesn't cut it.  We ordered pizza from Dominos.  It  arrived in 31 minutes.  Satan insured we got it free because it did not arrive within their 30 minute window.  Yeah, we heard them knocking at my door...  but neither one of us wanted to pay.  He looked out the peep hole and opened the door just as they turned to leave.  SCORE!  I gotta tell you, the changes they made to their recipe are great.  The difference is night and day.

The highlight of the night was cracking out the karaoke machine.  Satan was singing hymns - every time he sings "amazing grace", it moves me to tears.  I decided to end the night by performing "the devil went down to Georgia."

I love game night.  We'll do it again....

Namaste - JESUS!

Common Misconception

Hey everybody, Azazel here. You may know me by some of my other names: Angel of the Bottomless Pit, Father of Lies, Crooked Serpent, Beelzebub, Unclean Spirit, Lucifer, Antichrist, Wicked One, Satan, Bob. There are many other names but I think you get the point.

I want to thank JC for allowing me to say a few things on his blog. He didn't have to. After all, he has an image to keep up with. And that is exactly what I wanted to talk about. Image. You see, for a long time now, people have been passing around the wrong information on me. Blaming me for things I did not do. Turning people against me through false statements and half-speak. I would usually find that behavior pretty awesome, but when the lies are pointed at me, it kind of hurts. I am basically a good guy and I am sick and tired of people hating me for all the wrong reasons. So I'd like to take this time to set the record straight.

I am not this evil person that just goes around hurting others for no reason. I started out as a simple venture capitalist for goodness sake! I saw what JC was doing with the whole creation/Adam and Eve thing. I liked it and wanted a piece of the action. Yes I got greedy and started fudging the numbers. What with the snake and the apple thing. And I got caught and was kicked out of heaven. Do you know what that is like? It sucks. It's like living in a 4000 square foot loft in Manhattan with a butler and chauffeur and then getting moved to some pig farm in Ohio with no running water and some hillbilly roommate. Soak THAT in.
Sure, I was bitter for a while and did some mean things. It was me who started the Spanish Inquisition. It was me who told the French that nobody liked them which then made them so snooty with the rest of the world. But that's the sort of things I do. I whisper in people's ear and tell them things that may or may not be true. That's it! I am not a bully. I just take what you know and give it a little spin. That's why they call it Devils Advocate people! I simply give individuals another point of view to look at. If they do something bad because of what I said, well that is on them. It's not my fault they couldn't handle the news.

So, now that you know how I operate, stop blaming me for crap I did not do. The Haiti earthquake? NOT ME! (for the sake of disclosure though, I may or may not be to blame for any rioters after the quake). But the actual quake? Not this devil. I don't do natural disasters. It's too easy. The tsunami a few years back? Not me. Hurricane Katrina? Not me. (though I told the army engineers that the levies were working fine. Sorry about that). Heck, people even blame me for global warming. Blame Al Gore. Why would I want to cause global warming? LA is one of my best markets. It doesn't help me one bit if it is under water. Come on people. Think!

Well I guess I have rambled on enough and I think I got my point across. Thanks for listening. Hey JC, we still on for game night at your place? I have a serious yearning for some boggle!