Mistory Lesson

Yo' Dawg - Word to you which passes all human understanding.   I am the shepherd and you are my sheep.  When a sheep strays from the flock, I go out and find him/her and bring them safely home.  Home with me.  

I always place extra focus on the lost (but now are found) sheep to make sure we all stay together as a big, happy family.  Two parts love, one part hypnosis, one part positive reinforcement and a dash of fear always go a long way.  My lost children need some feeding.  What part of the trust in me to meet every single need gets lost in translation?  I'm awesome and a simple praise me goes a long way to motivating me to provide and care for you.  A little, "Thank you sweet baby Jesus" for all the blessings I bestow upon you never hurts, either.

A natural evolutionary law - no one ever bites the hand that feeds them.  Never.  Only a fool would do such a thing.  Why do you think I became ultra popular with the entire fish and bread thing?  Who in their right mind throws a GIGANTIC party where thousands of people are smoking out, getting the munchies and no one thought of food?  It's like a bunch of monks cruising the red light district after 30+ years being in an intimate relationship by themselves with themselves.  Creepy if you ask me.  These people needed some serious feeding to satiate their yearning.  

The only ones to even think about food was this lesbian couple on a predawn fishing trip.  The feminine one had some bread in her backpack.  The woman of the house may as well have been fishing in the dead sea.  Seriously, all she caught was a few sickly fish?  I decided to work some magic and multiply the food to feed the party goers.  As my mortal momma always said, "Free food tastes the best!"  Boy oh Boy - she was right about that!

After feeding the folks at the party, me and my movement went completely viral - facebook, twitter, myspace and the media exploded making me bigger than Elvis.  Everyone loved me.  I was an instant celebrity - you'd think I could walk on water or something.

My movement spread like a blazing forest fire.  I wanted to capitalize on the attention and bring the people together.  I started prototyping the early corporate owned churches - really focusing not only on product but, on the complete Jesus! experience.  The next thing, we started franchising and growing faster than Starbucks.  It was a way to focus the buzz and create neighborhood hangouts.  Places "where everybody knows your name."  Next thing I know, the patrons set out on a love crusade to recruit more and more members to my little club.  We go public and the rest is history.

Look how far we've come in such a long time!

Love, Jesus
President, CEO and Chairman
Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

Whose Little Light?

Brothers and Sisters - Let's talk about that little light.  That little light is mine.  I give it to you through the good news and you proclaim and let it shine for all the world to see.  Your love for me is amazing.  My love for you is even greater than your love for me.  I am so proud to be your Father - I get teary eyed just thinking about it.

I'll admit it.  I enjoy a good football game every now and then.  I've always enjoyed the college games more than the professional games.  The spirit of competition to see who has prepared to take on their opponent and executes best.  I love to see teams and coaches correct when they are behind to fight the good fight and maybe earn victory.  I love the bands.  I love the spirit and camaraderie it creates among teams.  There's a special electricity in the air when it's going to be a good competitive game with impassioned fans.  The smell of the popcorn, enjoying a beer and a good wiener in the stands - maybe some nachos, too....   To a lesser degree, I enjoy hearing the trash talk, too.  Satan and I always get a good laugh when we watch football together.

One of our favorites is watching those famous touchdown end-zone celebrations.  Dude scores some points, drops to one knee, does the fist pound on the chest, makes the sign of the cross and points to heavens.  Kisses his finger and points to the heavens again.  Rock on brother... rock on.  Give me thanks and praise for your athletic agility and skill.  Give thanks that you are strong and able to play football.  I have blessed you with many gifts.  Give me praise, give me praise, give me praise. Yadayadayada...

As this occurs, Satan and I look at each other and bust out laughing.  We point at the idiot on the field doing all his shenanigans.  The dude is making a spectacle of himself thinking he's glorifying me.  Did he ever stop and think that this is why people mock me, him and our movement?  Does he not remember the stories in the bible referring to being humble.  If you ask me, it looks like these types are breaking one of my commandments - the one about 'bearing false witness.'  Last time I checked football was a team sport.  Give thanks to those who made the play along with you -  the coaches, the fellow brethren players, etc.  It's not about you.  It's about us.  Lift up everyone.  I didn't make that touchdown - your team made it possible.  Your preparations, the execution, the random selection that everyone would be in the right place at the right time.  Taking the opportunity that presents itself because your team has adequately prepared for competition by studying the opponent, practicing and executing better than the other guy.  Do a little celebration - give some high fives, etc.

When it is all said and done.  Each game is started with an invocation prayer in the locker room.  You ask to win, you ask for safety and guidance.  You give thanks.  Give a good "AMEN!" do some chest humps and get all psyched up to fight for victory.  Victory is already yours - you got it when you accepted me as your lord and savior and asked for forgiveness of your sins - it is yours for the asking....  At any rate, when was the last time anyone prayed to me after a loss.  When do they pray for the fact they are able to play when the lose or pray and give thanks for the other team inspiring them to practice harder to become better athletes?  Prayer works both ways.  Pray for the blessings and celebrations.  Pray for thanks.  Pray for guidance.  Pray for this.  Pray for that.  Pray.  Pray pray pray.  Pray all the time.  In the morning and the night.  We are all winners, we are all victorious.  Get that through your heads.  Then pray some more.  It is good for you.  It's like your daily God vitamin.

So the little video at the top of today's entry?  All the lost and confused souls doing their praise me after a touch down look like Brother Smith banging his tambourine. You be the judge....  Actually, that is my job.  The play stands as called.

Peace to you - Jesus!