Which came first?

Yo Heathens - What up yo?

What came first?  The shovel or the flame?

I was cruising the Hotrod Godrod - remember this?  I still enjoy driving this beast as much as the day I bought it.

So anyway, with my birthday drawing nearer and nearer every day, traffic if absolutely horrible.  Why are you people driving around right now?  You should be contemplating the miracle of my immaculate deception conception.  This little wife's tale is the start of my two part stage production making our little club possible.

Less I digress....

So, I'm trying to get home.  Dudes and dudettes, there is nothing better than driving a car with catlike reflexes doing everything I demand of it.  You people could learn a thing or two from my car...

Less I digress...  part deux...

Back to my story... I'm stuck in this slow moving traffic with limited opportunities to rapidly advance myself...   This traffic was like molasses...

Less I digress... 3x a charm?

Anyway, I see an opportunity in the right hand lane to break out.  I lane change, followed by another lane change to the merge on/off lane.  Finally, the Godrod sings like Handel's famous Messiah chorus..  Whoa.  I gotta get back in the right lane because I don't want to exit...  And I do this the next merge lane/exit, too.  I look up and I realize why traffic is going so slow.  It's a funeral procession.  That explains why they were going so slow with their flashers on.  First, I thought it was a bunch of retards playing follow the leader while driving...

Then I realized something...  Just because these people are transporting a dead body doesn't mean they should make the rest of us to want to go kill someone else.  Jesus Christ....  Oh, wait...  That's me.  Take a back road next time...

Anyway, Less I digress...  If less than four, it's a bore...

I blow up the feeder road and jump out in front of them, waiving my hand outside my sunroof.  See ya, suckers....

Which got me thinking...  Who and why did the mortals decide to dig a hole, drop in a body, cover it up and let it forever rot in the ground?  Seriously? I bet it's something those crazy catholicks came up with to make money while they hittin' the bong.  They're worse than me when it comes to finding money making opportunities...

Then I got to thinking, why not set the body on fire and burn it up cremation style?

Trust me, when you're dead, you're never gonna want or need that tired, worn out vessel you've been carrying your soul in for all these years.  It's used up.  Tattered and torn.  It's garbage.  For what it's worth, I hear dead bodies make a terrific addition to your composting bins....

Less I digress..  Five Alive?

You're done with your body.  Do you think someday you'll be called up and all this rotted compost is gonna come swirling around to re-create your body?  When you die, your soul returns to it's essence of a spiritual energy.  You've had your time on Earth.  Hopefully, you learned something while here...

Less I digress...  Six?  Am I playing tricks?

I'm here to tell you cremation is The Way of the future.  It's quick, easy and doesn't make a mess.  It takes up a lot less space...  Plus, if you're ever in a bind, it makes terrific kitty litter.

Less I digress...  Seven!  Does anything rhyme with 7?

The idea of closure?  What? Put the dead guy in a box, close  the lid and bury it.  Is that your idea of closure?  And have a place to visit like Disneyland or Graceland to mourn your loss?  Really?

Cremation is more like a souvenir.  A precious souvenir from their time here on Earth.  Depending on how big the person was, there could be urns of ash to give to friends or sell on eBay....

Whatever...

You could make mini keychain urns so you can take your loved on with you wherever you go.  Instead of visiting Disneyland, you can take them to Disneyland.

Less I digress...  8!?!?  This is GREAT!

If you're poor, er, I mean economically challenged and living on foodstamps, medicaid and unemployment, instead of bawling an urn, a garbage can works just as well.  You don't really need anything fancy....

Bottom line is this...  When you're gone, you're gone.  Cryogenics is a crock.  Some say you come home to me.  Homecoming in heaven - the best place on Earth.  Space is limited.  One of our friendly sales reps are standing by at your local house of worship for details.  Or, if you're more comfortable you can always call 1800-PAY-4-PRAY.

Less I digress...  9 is fine.  That's what she said...

Back to my original question.  What came first?  The shovel or the flame?  Duh...  the shovel...

Word out - J.E.S.U.S.  and that spells JESUS!