Look what Lego designed for us. The set is available worldwide starting tomorrow!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Just for the skeptics
My children... At first many of you questioned my infinite wisdom when I proposed having Satan join Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) into our leadership ranks. People were literally wondering, "What the hell?" How could I even think to bring the devil into the inner sanctum of the war room we, at one time, used to plot against him?
If you read below, as with all his other posts, Azazele has clearly shown he is reformed and working for the greater good exclusively with the Jesus! Inc. team. Satan consistently demonstrates the brilliance I saw in him during our initial meet and greet at the Saints vs. Cards game. From the first meeting, I sensed a sinergistic partnership would develop. Once he took me to hell Las Vegas, I was able to appreciate the beauty in his work and creation. He understands how to motivate people to do things...
First, let me tell you, I've always had a hard time spelling Azazeel or whatever it is. Once my trust is earned, a nickname is earned. In one sense, George Bush and I are the same way. He has his, "heck of a job, Brownie" thing to live down. Less I digress....
I phoned Azazel earlier today and spoke over my confusion with his name. To tell you the truth, I get your names messed up, too - How do you explain that kid praying for uber football skills and ends up being the first chair trombone player in the band?
Anyway, he, like me, enjoys the finer things in the life. The money, the power - all things feeding the ego. I am pleased to announce that from here on out, I will refer to Azazeel as IceMan. Iceman. Like in TopGun. As in cool. As in too cool for school. After all, to be able to survive in hell, one has to be cold as ice. Ice Ice Baby. Iceman - welcome to the club.
We're having this built for ChristFest to honor you, my brother..
If you read below, as with all his other posts, Azazele has clearly shown he is reformed and working for the greater good exclusively with the Jesus! Inc. team. Satan consistently demonstrates the brilliance I saw in him during our initial meet and greet at the Saints vs. Cards game. From the first meeting, I sensed a sinergistic partnership would develop. Once he took me to hell Las Vegas, I was able to appreciate the beauty in his work and creation. He understands how to motivate people to do things...
First, let me tell you, I've always had a hard time spelling Azazeel or whatever it is. Once my trust is earned, a nickname is earned. In one sense, George Bush and I are the same way. He has his, "heck of a job, Brownie" thing to live down. Less I digress....
I phoned Azazel earlier today and spoke over my confusion with his name. To tell you the truth, I get your names messed up, too - How do you explain that kid praying for uber football skills and ends up being the first chair trombone player in the band?
Anyway, he, like me, enjoys the finer things in the life. The money, the power - all things feeding the ego. I am pleased to announce that from here on out, I will refer to Azazeel as IceMan. Iceman. Like in TopGun. As in cool. As in too cool for school. After all, to be able to survive in hell, one has to be cold as ice. Ice Ice Baby. Iceman - welcome to the club.
We're having this built for ChristFest to honor you, my brother..
Saving the face of Catholicism
Azazel here. Ever since I joined forces with JC, I have made it my sole purpose to fix the problems from within Christianity that might make it harder for us to market ourselves to the masses. I'm talking about the nitty gritty, down and dirty problems that may need a little of my "special abilities" to fix. And I do this because I know that for any good company to look good on the outside, it needs to be perfect on the inside. Sometimes fixing those problems means doing some unconventional things. So when I went in front of the Jesus Inc. Board a few months ago and told them what I had in mind, well let's just say I made a few heads spin. They all thought I was off my rocker. They thought I was joking. They looked at Jesus to see if he was in on it. But he just sat there, stoic, waiting to see what the Board thought. That's why I like JC. He knows right away what his decision is, he just likes to sit on his opinion and see how the people around him react. That way he knows what angle to use when one or two of them need convincing. Smart man.
So, back to my story. When the Board realized I was not kidding, they sat there, dumbfounded, as I explained. I said to them, of all the problems giving Jesus and Christianity a bad name, what is it? It's not radicals blowing something up in the name of god. People just look at them as wackos. It's not some evangelist TV preacher stealing your money. After Jimmy and Tammy Faye, most people just look at them like caricatures. No problem there. So what is it? Two words. Catholic. Priests. These guys are supposed to be messengers from God himself. So what does that say about God if these supposed celibate priests keep diddling with the altar boy? Hey, I know, that's a harsh statement. But it's true. All the jokes, all the stories, those priests are butchering the image of God. Yeah, yeah, I know not all priests are doing these terrible things. Whatever. What is the saying, one bad apple?
It took me a long time to find a solution for this problem. It wasn't a matter of going Sopranos style and taking out the bad seeds. That may solve an immediate problem, but not the problem as a whole. So how do we solve this issue? How do we stop such a large amount of male priests who can't stop themselves from sexual abusing little boys over and over? For that, you have to look at what a priest gives up to become that priest. Priests have given themselves to God. They have made a vow of celibacy in most cases and, in a sense, married themselves to the church. That's an extreme choice. So a man turns 20, joins the church, and is expected to go his entire life without enjoying a little fornication? Gese, that's like telling a fat guy he can't have ice cream ever again. I don't care if the guy is diabetic, he is gonna sneak a nibble every now and then.
So here we have a priest, say ten years after joining the church, and he hasn't had sex at all in those 10 years. Let's repeat, he hasn't enjoyed the touch of another human in TEN YEARS. He is surrounded daily by young men, inside the church almost all day, what else is he going to do?. You see what I am getting at? Back in my "bad" devil days, I used to joke with JC that priesthood was like a prison sentence. You spend your life in one building, doing the same thing over and over, and you're only surrounded by men. And what happens in prisons? What is the joke? Don't drop the soap! You see the similarities??
So Azazel, what are you getting at? You spent this whole blog talking about Catholic priests, prisons, and some radical idea you pitched to the Jesus Inc. board. What is your plan?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nullus Pecco. It is the Catholic version of the genius Amish event of Rumspringa.
Rumspringa, in case you don't know, is the time when young Amish men and women are allowed to let loose and enjoy the sins of the world that are not allowed in the Amish community. They party as wild as they want, for a certain period of time, then they make an informed decision to continue living this life of sin, or end Rumspringa and devote their lives to the Amish belief. How awesome is that? For all your life you are raised the Amish way. No technology, community is everything, blah blah blah. Then, BAM, you turn sixteen and you are allowed to drink, curse, smoke, have sex, play a video game, eat after midnight. Everything that makes youth so much damn fun. Then you get to make a choice on what to do with the rest of your life. Continue the path your parents taught you, or say to hell with them and go out into the world.
Why not give Catholic priests the same option? And thus begins Nullus Pecco, Latin for "no sin." Once a priest has given himself to the cloth for ten years, he enters a period of Nullus Pecco. He will then be allowed to do whatever his heart desires and the church will not frown upon it. Each year Nullus Pecco will begin with a huge convention/rave at an undisclosed location and spread out from there. After a period of seven days (for poetic reasons of course), all the priests partaking in Nullus Pecco will then make a choice. Continue this period of sinless living or go back to the church, healthy with their choice to devote their lives to God. With this event, we are allowing the "diabetic" to eat his "candy" without fear of losing an eye.
So there you have it. Nullus Pecco. The first event will happen sometime in the coming month of April at undisclosed locations all over the world. And since this is the first time, all priests that have served for at least ten years will be attending. Even the Pope himself will be allowed to attend. Yours truly will be there to monitor the events and to report back to the big guy. And if my calculations are right, by the month of May, Catholicism as a whole will be back on the right path and spreading the word of God without the judging eye of society looking upon them.
I cannot wait
So, back to my story. When the Board realized I was not kidding, they sat there, dumbfounded, as I explained. I said to them, of all the problems giving Jesus and Christianity a bad name, what is it? It's not radicals blowing something up in the name of god. People just look at them as wackos. It's not some evangelist TV preacher stealing your money. After Jimmy and Tammy Faye, most people just look at them like caricatures. No problem there. So what is it? Two words. Catholic. Priests. These guys are supposed to be messengers from God himself. So what does that say about God if these supposed celibate priests keep diddling with the altar boy? Hey, I know, that's a harsh statement. But it's true. All the jokes, all the stories, those priests are butchering the image of God. Yeah, yeah, I know not all priests are doing these terrible things. Whatever. What is the saying, one bad apple?
It took me a long time to find a solution for this problem. It wasn't a matter of going Sopranos style and taking out the bad seeds. That may solve an immediate problem, but not the problem as a whole. So how do we solve this issue? How do we stop such a large amount of male priests who can't stop themselves from sexual abusing little boys over and over? For that, you have to look at what a priest gives up to become that priest. Priests have given themselves to God. They have made a vow of celibacy in most cases and, in a sense, married themselves to the church. That's an extreme choice. So a man turns 20, joins the church, and is expected to go his entire life without enjoying a little fornication? Gese, that's like telling a fat guy he can't have ice cream ever again. I don't care if the guy is diabetic, he is gonna sneak a nibble every now and then.
So here we have a priest, say ten years after joining the church, and he hasn't had sex at all in those 10 years. Let's repeat, he hasn't enjoyed the touch of another human in TEN YEARS. He is surrounded daily by young men, inside the church almost all day, what else is he going to do?. You see what I am getting at? Back in my "bad" devil days, I used to joke with JC that priesthood was like a prison sentence. You spend your life in one building, doing the same thing over and over, and you're only surrounded by men. And what happens in prisons? What is the joke? Don't drop the soap! You see the similarities??
So Azazel, what are you getting at? You spent this whole blog talking about Catholic priests, prisons, and some radical idea you pitched to the Jesus Inc. board. What is your plan?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nullus Pecco. It is the Catholic version of the genius Amish event of Rumspringa.
Rumspringa, in case you don't know, is the time when young Amish men and women are allowed to let loose and enjoy the sins of the world that are not allowed in the Amish community. They party as wild as they want, for a certain period of time, then they make an informed decision to continue living this life of sin, or end Rumspringa and devote their lives to the Amish belief. How awesome is that? For all your life you are raised the Amish way. No technology, community is everything, blah blah blah. Then, BAM, you turn sixteen and you are allowed to drink, curse, smoke, have sex, play a video game, eat after midnight. Everything that makes youth so much damn fun. Then you get to make a choice on what to do with the rest of your life. Continue the path your parents taught you, or say to hell with them and go out into the world.
Why not give Catholic priests the same option? And thus begins Nullus Pecco, Latin for "no sin." Once a priest has given himself to the cloth for ten years, he enters a period of Nullus Pecco. He will then be allowed to do whatever his heart desires and the church will not frown upon it. Each year Nullus Pecco will begin with a huge convention/rave at an undisclosed location and spread out from there. After a period of seven days (for poetic reasons of course), all the priests partaking in Nullus Pecco will then make a choice. Continue this period of sinless living or go back to the church, healthy with their choice to devote their lives to God. With this event, we are allowing the "diabetic" to eat his "candy" without fear of losing an eye.
So there you have it. Nullus Pecco. The first event will happen sometime in the coming month of April at undisclosed locations all over the world. And since this is the first time, all priests that have served for at least ten years will be attending. Even the Pope himself will be allowed to attend. Yours truly will be there to monitor the events and to report back to the big guy. And if my calculations are right, by the month of May, Catholicism as a whole will be back on the right path and spreading the word of God without the judging eye of society looking upon them.
I cannot wait
My Facebook Page.
Hello Children - Did you know FaceBook won't let me have my own page? When I apply with my legal name, they give me some kind of error message and ask me to contact them directly for identity verification. I don't think so. As ruler of the universe, I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone unless I want to.... Their loss.
So, ghost writer lets me peruse facebook with his account - some of you people are completely bonkers. But, you know what? I still love you. Anyways... Apparently, the mortals go through and periodically cleanse their friends list. Sister Gloria posted something profound - "You know your day really sucks when God unfriends you." Fear not - if I can't friend my people to begin with, how can I unfriend them? You are in control of your relationship with me. I am and always will be here for you.
Some members of the club paint me out to be this mean, vengeful and angry man. Really? If that was the case, you would be raised by an emotional and/or physically abusive parent and would need years of therapy to make amends with me and your childhood. I love you. I only want what's best for you. Like any parent, I do the best I can with what I've got.
But, if I did have a facebook page, just imagine the tormenting I could do by randomly unfriending people from my existence. It would be devastating to them. Satan and I would get a good laugh doing all the tormenting but that would hurt my children. I will always care for you and love you - no matter how tempting it is to have a little fun at your expense.
At this time, we're gonna pass the bucket. Give what you want, not what you can even if you can't. Your financial gifts go a long way to buying off the victims of the fraternal order of the priesthood. I'll bless you as you give. ->Cue music<-
Love, Jesus.
So, ghost writer lets me peruse facebook with his account - some of you people are completely bonkers. But, you know what? I still love you. Anyways... Apparently, the mortals go through and periodically cleanse their friends list. Sister Gloria posted something profound - "You know your day really sucks when God unfriends you." Fear not - if I can't friend my people to begin with, how can I unfriend them? You are in control of your relationship with me. I am and always will be here for you.
Some members of the club paint me out to be this mean, vengeful and angry man. Really? If that was the case, you would be raised by an emotional and/or physically abusive parent and would need years of therapy to make amends with me and your childhood. I love you. I only want what's best for you. Like any parent, I do the best I can with what I've got.
But, if I did have a facebook page, just imagine the tormenting I could do by randomly unfriending people from my existence. It would be devastating to them. Satan and I would get a good laugh doing all the tormenting but that would hurt my children. I will always care for you and love you - no matter how tempting it is to have a little fun at your expense.
At this time, we're gonna pass the bucket. Give what you want, not what you can even if you can't. Your financial gifts go a long way to buying off the victims of the fraternal order of the priesthood. I'll bless you as you give. ->Cue music<-
Love, Jesus.
Monday, March 29, 2010
As Donald Trump Says...
"YOU'RE FIRED." I was driving around again today. You simply would not believe what I saw... A sign for Immanuel Lutheran Church. Guess what the sign said?
"Easter Bunny Pictures and Egg Hunt" This completely validates my point and reasons for going with the new "ChristFest" name. It's time to abandon the entire Easter thing. If a church is advertising for photos with the easter bunny... I don't know what to say... A church?
I always knew the Lutherans were a screwed up breed. This confirms it. Well, at least it's not as bad as the catholic church's problem (I hope).
Love, Jeaster Bunny.
PS. Here is what Easter Bunny Pictures should look like....
Easter Bunny From Hell
"Easter Bunny Pictures and Egg Hunt" This completely validates my point and reasons for going with the new "ChristFest" name. It's time to abandon the entire Easter thing. If a church is advertising for photos with the easter bunny... I don't know what to say... A church?
I always knew the Lutherans were a screwed up breed. This confirms it. Well, at least it's not as bad as the catholic church's problem (I hope).
Love, Jeaster Bunny.
PS. Here is what Easter Bunny Pictures should look like....
Easter Bunny From Hell
Sunday, March 28, 2010
It's Palm Sunday!!!
Today is one of the last big hoo-rah parties before the Roman Guards kill me. So whatya say? Let's make it a good one.
Back in the day, I rode to Jerusalem on a donkey. My fans would wave palm branches as I rode by. People would be singing jubilant anthems. Then my followers would hand out crosses made from palm stalks to take home as a souvenir - they would wear them for a couple days and then use them as book marks in their bibles or decorations for their houses and Christmas trees. Whatever....
Not this time. Instead, we are having a parade. There will be marching bands, floats, drill teams, the shriners doing cool tricks while driving their little cars, horses, clowns and all kinds of cool things. Maybe we'll even sell balloons. I will be the Grand Marshall. I am going to be sitting on the top of a convertible, yellow Corvette. Joseph and Mary are the honorary drivers. On the parade route, we will cruise very slowly as to not strain the people following the 'Vette. It's a long way to Jerusalem. The apostles, Mary Magdalen will be riding on floats tossing necklaces of beads, candies and toys like lego sets, dreidels, Noah's Ark play sets and puppets. As we get closer to the city, I hope to see people waiving their hands and flashing me instead of wasting palm branches. It's gonna be awesome. Below is a picture of the car we will use to lead the parade. Do you like it?
As soon as we reach the end of the route, there will be a red carpet. I will descend from the Corvette. The pope and the vatican guards will shield me from all the reporters and cameras as I valiantly stroll down the carpet and enter my old mansion. Being a celebrity is hard work. I do my best to control the media and my public image. One thing I really hate is seeing a picture of me on the cover of the National Enquirer with some made up scandal about me and Mary M. having sex out of wedlock. They say they have Mary's blue dress, voicemail messages and interviews from people who have seen us together. Remember late last year when I crashed my Escalade into a tree right in front of my own house? Less I digress...
I hope to see you there.
Love to all - Jesus
Back in the day, I rode to Jerusalem on a donkey. My fans would wave palm branches as I rode by. People would be singing jubilant anthems. Then my followers would hand out crosses made from palm stalks to take home as a souvenir - they would wear them for a couple days and then use them as book marks in their bibles or decorations for their houses and Christmas trees. Whatever....
Not this time. Instead, we are having a parade. There will be marching bands, floats, drill teams, the shriners doing cool tricks while driving their little cars, horses, clowns and all kinds of cool things. Maybe we'll even sell balloons. I will be the Grand Marshall. I am going to be sitting on the top of a convertible, yellow Corvette. Joseph and Mary are the honorary drivers. On the parade route, we will cruise very slowly as to not strain the people following the 'Vette. It's a long way to Jerusalem. The apostles, Mary Magdalen will be riding on floats tossing necklaces of beads, candies and toys like lego sets, dreidels, Noah's Ark play sets and puppets. As we get closer to the city, I hope to see people waiving their hands and flashing me instead of wasting palm branches. It's gonna be awesome. Below is a picture of the car we will use to lead the parade. Do you like it?
As soon as we reach the end of the route, there will be a red carpet. I will descend from the Corvette. The pope and the vatican guards will shield me from all the reporters and cameras as I valiantly stroll down the carpet and enter my old mansion. Being a celebrity is hard work. I do my best to control the media and my public image. One thing I really hate is seeing a picture of me on the cover of the National Enquirer with some made up scandal about me and Mary M. having sex out of wedlock. They say they have Mary's blue dress, voicemail messages and interviews from people who have seen us together. Remember late last year when I crashed my Escalade into a tree right in front of my own house? Less I digress...
I hope to see you there.
Love to all - Jesus
Saturday, March 27, 2010
Michael Jackson
I feel sorry for Michael Jackson. I gave him natural gifts and talent helping him earn the title, "King of Pop." Unfortunately, most people simple are not prepared for fame, fortune and notoriety. The associated press were able to get the search warrants unsealed to reveal what was found in Mikey's home. Yeah, they found drug vials and anesthesia equipment, yadayadayada...
The discovery I find most disturbing is the tubes and tubes of skin whitener and brightener. I wish MJ knew and understood that when I created him, I wanted him to be black. Not white. I suppose he was pigment confused when he came up with the "Black or White" diddy.
If I wanted him white, I would have used bleached white flour. Instead I used wheat. Less I digress...
I wish Michael and I had a closer relationship. Had we spoke on a frequent basis, I know the situation would have ended different. We'd all get to see his final concert and not be settling for 'video footage' taken during rehearsals. HIStory? I wish we coulda worked together to make OURstory. It would be beautiful if he accepted me as his Lord and Savior. If my power was on his side, no one and I mean no one could stand against him (us). However, due to MJ's polarizing nature we needed to devise a trap door to follow him around. That way when someone did stand before him, all I'd have to do is push the little button and *poof* they'd be gone.
One thing MJ and I have in common is we are both worth more dead than alive. He's making more money than ever with sales revenue streaming in from everything... Tabloid stories, cd sales, video sales, movies and the like.
In my situation, I am worth more dead than alive, too. If it wasn't for me having that dramatic death of the cross selling it as me dying for your sins - where would we be today? Because of the Jesus! Inc. communications team - I am more relevant today than I was yesterday.
Before ChistFest, I was popular with the underground and counter cultures. Pretty much regarded as a nutjob by a majority of society. I die and rise from the dead - that's when my movement really picked up speed. Sure, watching me walk on water made me the equivalent of David Blaine. The fish and bread thing made me as popular as Elvis. The death and resurrection thing - elevated me to a new level. I became not only a god, but THE god of all times. Had I not died, people would still see me as some side show magician doing parlor tricks in public. Less I digress again...
At the top of his musical career Michael was a sharp dresser. All the cool sequin outfits, the one handed gloves, etc. Maybe I could buy two of his gloves on eBay to wear at MyFest ChristFest. How cool would that be?
The discovery I find most disturbing is the tubes and tubes of skin whitener and brightener. I wish MJ knew and understood that when I created him, I wanted him to be black. Not white. I suppose he was pigment confused when he came up with the "Black or White" diddy.
If I wanted him white, I would have used bleached white flour. Instead I used wheat. Less I digress...
I wish Michael and I had a closer relationship. Had we spoke on a frequent basis, I know the situation would have ended different. We'd all get to see his final concert and not be settling for 'video footage' taken during rehearsals. HIStory? I wish we coulda worked together to make OURstory. It would be beautiful if he accepted me as his Lord and Savior. If my power was on his side, no one and I mean no one could stand against him (us). However, due to MJ's polarizing nature we needed to devise a trap door to follow him around. That way when someone did stand before him, all I'd have to do is push the little button and *poof* they'd be gone.
One thing MJ and I have in common is we are both worth more dead than alive. He's making more money than ever with sales revenue streaming in from everything... Tabloid stories, cd sales, video sales, movies and the like.
In my situation, I am worth more dead than alive, too. If it wasn't for me having that dramatic death of the cross selling it as me dying for your sins - where would we be today? Because of the Jesus! Inc. communications team - I am more relevant today than I was yesterday.
Before ChistFest, I was popular with the underground and counter cultures. Pretty much regarded as a nutjob by a majority of society. I die and rise from the dead - that's when my movement really picked up speed. Sure, watching me walk on water made me the equivalent of David Blaine. The fish and bread thing made me as popular as Elvis. The death and resurrection thing - elevated me to a new level. I became not only a god, but THE god of all times. Had I not died, people would still see me as some side show magician doing parlor tricks in public. Less I digress again...
At the top of his musical career Michael was a sharp dresser. All the cool sequin outfits, the one handed gloves, etc. Maybe I could buy two of his gloves on eBay to wear at MyFest ChristFest. How cool would that be?
Friday, March 26, 2010
Let's get physical
Hello Boys and Girls and all the pretty animals. I was reading an article where some smart people conducted a study and they found it takes a middle aged woman ONE HOUR of physical activity to fight the flab.
When I created the women from the rib of the man, something went horribly wrong. I've known about the defect for years and tried to keep it a secret. I couldn't figure out what happened. I couldn't and that says a lot about the complex magnitude of the issue because I know everything.
So instead of fixing it, I decided to feature it. Satan and I partnered together nicely on this one. See, most guys (normal guys) don't like fat chicks. The porkers smell funny; making a wonderful bug repellent. No one wants to be breathing the stink all the time... Less I digress...
See, Satan and I worked together. When I couldn't figure out how to fix it, he laughed. Hard. He started blowing milk out of his nose...
Let's see - where was I?
We wanted to see if long time marriages would last as each partner starts to get fat, get lazy and basically fall apart. Why do you think men typically die first? So they don't have to wake up next to something ugly when things start going down hill. Then women discovered if they got dentures they could keep their man around when they weren't wearing their dentures if you know whata mean?!?!
Man... I'm scrambled today.
So here's what we learned. Appearance is important to men. When given a choice a man will drive a hot, sexy car compared to an old, worn out junker. Same holds true with women. Why do you think there are so many 'perverted old men' getting trophy wives?
By nature, men are hunters and gatherers. They enjoy the thrill of the hunt and like to have something to show for it. Can you imagine a lion bringing home a sickly skank skunk? A man wants to bring something home he can proudly admire and show off to all his friends.
What does all this prove? That I am really a mean God who has a twisted sense of humor? No, it proves the men I made are also flawed. They think with their dumbstick.
I was especially pleased when American Pie came out because the movie made older women hot. MILF-a-licious. Milf started out as a joke. But it caught traction with the youngins. So I planted a seed with Courtney Cox Arquette and she really made older women desirable when she started her Cougars show. Then the Cougar Cruise went en vogoue... I like to consider these kinds of activities equalizers to restore balance. The estrogen that balances the testosterone. Yin/Yang. Yeah Baby!!!
Holy matrimony was always intended to be a challenge. If it was easy, everyone would do it and succeed at it. After many years together I wanted the ultimate challenge of trying to keep a tired, worn out relationship on track. Good one, huh?
I sit back and think to myself - back in the day I had it together. I put challenges in place to see how the mortals would handle and adapt to them. It may take a while but the pendulum always swings back to the center. I did a great job creating a world for my enjoyment.
Thanks for keep things interesting.
And boys... Always remember "bro's before hoe's!"
Love, Jesus!
When I created the women from the rib of the man, something went horribly wrong. I've known about the defect for years and tried to keep it a secret. I couldn't figure out what happened. I couldn't and that says a lot about the complex magnitude of the issue because I know everything.
So instead of fixing it, I decided to feature it. Satan and I partnered together nicely on this one. See, most guys (normal guys) don't like fat chicks. The porkers smell funny; making a wonderful bug repellent. No one wants to be breathing the stink all the time... Less I digress...
See, Satan and I worked together. When I couldn't figure out how to fix it, he laughed. Hard. He started blowing milk out of his nose...
Let's see - where was I?
We wanted to see if long time marriages would last as each partner starts to get fat, get lazy and basically fall apart. Why do you think men typically die first? So they don't have to wake up next to something ugly when things start going down hill. Then women discovered if they got dentures they could keep their man around when they weren't wearing their dentures if you know whata mean?!?!
Man... I'm scrambled today.
So here's what we learned. Appearance is important to men. When given a choice a man will drive a hot, sexy car compared to an old, worn out junker. Same holds true with women. Why do you think there are so many 'perverted old men' getting trophy wives?
By nature, men are hunters and gatherers. They enjoy the thrill of the hunt and like to have something to show for it. Can you imagine a lion bringing home a sickly skank skunk? A man wants to bring something home he can proudly admire and show off to all his friends.
What does all this prove? That I am really a mean God who has a twisted sense of humor? No, it proves the men I made are also flawed. They think with their dumbstick.
I was especially pleased when American Pie came out because the movie made older women hot. MILF-a-licious. Milf started out as a joke. But it caught traction with the youngins. So I planted a seed with Courtney Cox Arquette and she really made older women desirable when she started her Cougars show. Then the Cougar Cruise went en vogoue... I like to consider these kinds of activities equalizers to restore balance. The estrogen that balances the testosterone. Yin/Yang. Yeah Baby!!!
Holy matrimony was always intended to be a challenge. If it was easy, everyone would do it and succeed at it. After many years together I wanted the ultimate challenge of trying to keep a tired, worn out relationship on track. Good one, huh?
I sit back and think to myself - back in the day I had it together. I put challenges in place to see how the mortals would handle and adapt to them. It may take a while but the pendulum always swings back to the center. I did a great job creating a world for my enjoyment.
Thanks for keep things interesting.
And boys... Always remember "bro's before hoe's!"
Love, Jesus!
Thursday, March 25, 2010
Late Night Radio Dedications to the catholic church!!!!
That's right kiddos - Azazelle called in some radio dedications for the catholic church's ongoing scandal. I think there is a lot of wisdom to be incorporated into the Fraternal Brotherhood of the Priesthood.
Love, Jesus!
Love, Jesus!
Dunks, Tiger and the catholic church's pedopriest problems.
I'm cruising around in the R8 this morning, feeling a little hungry. I see a Dunkin' Donuts and practically cause an accident crossing three lanes of traffic to get into their parking lot. What can I say - I'm always driving in the fast lane....
I've always had a special affinity for donuts to match where I am with my life. The donuts don't have holes and the munchkins are the holes. You get the idea.... I paid for the donuts and an iced tea. Ok, I am addicted to caffeine just like everyone else. Every now and then I need a good pick me up.... I sat down at aMiss Cleo had mentioned something about donuts when I met with her a while back. I held one of my sprinkled donuts to the light and just looked at hit. Miss Cleo said I would be seeing more and more clues to what my future holds.
A black man comes wondering in wearing a white ball cap with Tiger Woods' logo.
I'm thinking how awesome. I say to the man- 'Nice! Thanks for supporting brother woods.' He looked at me and said, "He'll be back." "Where is his first game bag since the fall?" "The Masters." I respond, "Wasn't that where it all began - his first win?" "Yeah, it was." "How fitting to be born again where he was first launched." Come home, make yourself clean by accepting me as your lord and savior. Return to the fulfilling the plan I had for your greatness. Mr. Woods is the epitome of getting into trouble, taking responsibility for his actions, taking the road to recovery and reclaiming the good life. Very smart Mr. Woods, Very smart!!! Well done, my child.
I was again thinking about Pope Benny's little problem with the pedo-priests. Maybe they should be call priestophiles - I don't know...
I found a picture of the Italy's top cardinal. If this dude doesn't look like a pedophile, I don't know what does. The problem with the catholic church is they've been around so long, they got so much money that they think they are exempt from living by the principles taught in my autobiography and guide to successful living. Their top brass is not exempt from living a normal life. These clowns examples of hellboys vision of the world and how NOT to live. Being a spiritual leader and guide was never to be about leading a life of corruption in my name. They are so detached from reality they forgot the responsibility, beauty and purity that comes with living a life in my shadow. The more I think about the catholic church's upper echelon of leadership, the more repulsed I become. It's nothing more than a good ol' boys club full of a bunch of mentally tormented dudes. Are the foolish enough to think the only relationship they can have is with me? Seriously? Go out, pick up a nun and do her like she's never been done before. You'd both be smiling and leave happy!
As I think about it, I realize the catholic priests aren't the smartest sheep in the flock. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking they are idiotic fools. In my writings, I call each of you my children. I often speak of loving each and every single one of you. The catholics went a little too far and took my words literally.
Effective today, all leaders of the catholic church are banished to hell. I no longer recognize the catholic church as a franchise organization and reporting them to the authorities for slander, mis-representation of the the me and the universal truth of my message and promise (aka lying), being child predators. Obviously, they think Vatican City is some kind of safe haven for perverts. Benny and his HR people have been putting the wrong people in the wrong positions. I guess they missed out on Jesus! Inc.'s target selection profiling class taught many moons ago. Perhaps they adopted my curriculum to meet their own sick desires and came up with their own model of target selection.
Starting tomorrow, all male sex offenders (is there such a thing as a female sex offender?) will be deported to Vatican City where they can play with each other. Have at it boys.
- J-Dawg.
I've always had a special affinity for donuts to match where I am with my life. The donuts don't have holes and the munchkins are the holes. You get the idea.... I paid for the donuts and an iced tea. Ok, I am addicted to caffeine just like everyone else. Every now and then I need a good pick me up.... I sat down at aMiss Cleo had mentioned something about donuts when I met with her a while back. I held one of my sprinkled donuts to the light and just looked at hit. Miss Cleo said I would be seeing more and more clues to what my future holds.
A black man comes wondering in wearing a white ball cap with Tiger Woods' logo.
I'm thinking how awesome. I say to the man- 'Nice! Thanks for supporting brother woods.' He looked at me and said, "He'll be back." "Where is his first game bag since the fall?" "The Masters." I respond, "Wasn't that where it all began - his first win?" "Yeah, it was." "How fitting to be born again where he was first launched." Come home, make yourself clean by accepting me as your lord and savior. Return to the fulfilling the plan I had for your greatness. Mr. Woods is the epitome of getting into trouble, taking responsibility for his actions, taking the road to recovery and reclaiming the good life. Very smart Mr. Woods, Very smart!!! Well done, my child.
I found a picture of the Italy's top cardinal. If this dude doesn't look like a pedophile, I don't know what does. The problem with the catholic church is they've been around so long, they got so much money that they think they are exempt from living by the principles taught in my autobiography and guide to successful living. Their top brass is not exempt from living a normal life. These clowns examples of hellboys vision of the world and how NOT to live. Being a spiritual leader and guide was never to be about leading a life of corruption in my name. They are so detached from reality they forgot the responsibility, beauty and purity that comes with living a life in my shadow. The more I think about the catholic church's upper echelon of leadership, the more repulsed I become. It's nothing more than a good ol' boys club full of a bunch of mentally tormented dudes. Are the foolish enough to think the only relationship they can have is with me? Seriously? Go out, pick up a nun and do her like she's never been done before. You'd both be smiling and leave happy!
As I think about it, I realize the catholic priests aren't the smartest sheep in the flock. As a matter of fact, I'm thinking they are idiotic fools. In my writings, I call each of you my children. I often speak of loving each and every single one of you. The catholics went a little too far and took my words literally.
Effective today, all leaders of the catholic church are banished to hell. I no longer recognize the catholic church as a franchise organization and reporting them to the authorities for slander, mis-representation of the the me and the universal truth of my message and promise (aka lying), being child predators. Obviously, they think Vatican City is some kind of safe haven for perverts. Benny and his HR people have been putting the wrong people in the wrong positions. I guess they missed out on Jesus! Inc.'s target selection profiling class taught many moons ago. Perhaps they adopted my curriculum to meet their own sick desires and came up with their own model of target selection.
Starting tomorrow, all male sex offenders (is there such a thing as a female sex offender?) will be deported to Vatican City where they can play with each other. Have at it boys.
- J-Dawg.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Healing the people
Man o' man - Healthcare reform is gonna tear America apart at the seams. What is it with these people. All my children can be healed just by asking. It is my magic touch. Kinda like casting demons out of people.
Since the population of the world is approaching 7 BILLION people, it's simply not possible for me to lay hands on all those negatively affected by medical ailments. We got too many sick people running around.
Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) is will be forming a vocational training school with multiple tracks such as:
Online biblical studies
Become a pastor in 90 days
Stained glass window creation
Pipe organ pedagogy
Marriage and family therapist
social outreach
religious jewelry and art design
Devotion creation
However, our main focus will be faith healing. We will have people dressed in robes stationed at all hospitals who will be able to heal on demand in lieu of my presence. No, we won't bill you. Instead, we will have a collection plate at the feet of the healer. The healed is expected to pay whatever price they think it is worth to be ridden of their illness. All proceeds will go to Jesus! Inc. Give what you want to, not what you can't. Hopefully the plate will runeth over and we can show all those interested in healthcare how profitable it can be when it is afforded to all.
I think conman Benny Hinn ain't gonna know what hit him when our faith healing program takes off.
Your Friend and Healer - Jesus!
The first step to healing is to accept me as your lord and savior. Give me at least a dollar, I will make you hollar 'cause you will be healed by my powa ... Healed!
Since the population of the world is approaching 7 BILLION people, it's simply not possible for me to lay hands on all those negatively affected by medical ailments. We got too many sick people running around.
Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) is will be forming a vocational training school with multiple tracks such as:
Online biblical studies
Become a pastor in 90 days
Stained glass window creation
Pipe organ pedagogy
Marriage and family therapist
social outreach
religious jewelry and art design
Devotion creation
However, our main focus will be faith healing. We will have people dressed in robes stationed at all hospitals who will be able to heal on demand in lieu of my presence. No, we won't bill you. Instead, we will have a collection plate at the feet of the healer. The healed is expected to pay whatever price they think it is worth to be ridden of their illness. All proceeds will go to Jesus! Inc. Give what you want to, not what you can't. Hopefully the plate will runeth over and we can show all those interested in healthcare how profitable it can be when it is afforded to all.
I think conman Benny Hinn ain't gonna know what hit him when our faith healing program takes off.
Your Friend and Healer - Jesus!
The first step to healing is to accept me as your lord and savior. Give me at least a dollar, I will make you hollar 'cause you will be healed by my powa ... Healed!
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
iPad/Kindle/Nook/Snuggie/Whatever
Are you thirsty for spiritual guidance? Are you wanting to develop the same intimate relationship with me as I do with you? Have you picked up my autobiography and guide for successful living? Are you tired of lugging that big ol' honkin' book around like a monkey on your back?
My book (aka the bible) was never meant to be so long and complicated. It started out as a simple 300 page self help book with an 'about me' section printed on the back - you know, to build credibility with my minions. Most of the lessons were taught using short, sweet and to the point parables - similar to those one minute manager books or the chicken soup for the soul series.
You know how history is and how many times the good book has been translated... Starting with King James, the thing snowballed out of control. Moving the thing is like having 2 mega-metropolitan phone books (the white and yellow pages) and needing a small, two wheeled dolly to take them anywhere. My book got wordy and heavy; losing a lot of it's impact - although it makes an impact when dropped. King James really screwed it up with all the thys, thous, thees and thuses - people couldn't figure out what they were reading. What was he thinking? My message is simple. It shouldn't take a degree in pre-dawn literature to get the main idea. For crying out loud.
So, the bible is no longer a portable guide to godly living. Well, pilgrims - starting on April 3, the e-book version of the good book will be available exclusively on Apple's iPad. Steve Job called me early last week to negotiate a deal. The Holy Bible will be available for the first time to be viewed on their beautiful 9.5 inch diagonal, high resolution full color screen. Versions for the other e-readers will be released simultaneously at exactly midnight. It's the pre-sale to coincide with ChristFest! Having a top notch marketing team is quite wonderful. It's almost like we're Disney making movies and thinking about the happy meal toys we're gonna include in the promotional hoopla during initial art of conception.
BTW, does anyone notice the typo in the cover shot? It's not "The Book of Jobs." It's "The Book of Job." and the O is long - as in O J Simpson. Do these people know who they're dealing with? I don't wanna have to go postal... Less I digress.
It's gonna be really cool because the option exists to read any version you want with a simple finger gesture on their touch sensitive screen. I am thrilled to announce the original 300 page version will be available, too. I partnered with Salvador Dali and M.C. Escher to update the illustrations for today's modern times. Books with pictures reach a broader target demographic than those printed in black and white. The team at Jesus! Inc. is also working to create a new and improved coloring book for the youngins. I think Chic-Fil-A will be an excellent distribution point for the teasers of the full version.
Check out the detail found in Escher's work to the right. It'll make the new coloring books more fun and at the same time, more challenging. Make it too easy and the kids get bored. Make it too hard and the kids get frustrated. Either way, todays children (tomorrows adults) will stray from me - and no one wants that to happen. I think Escher's work strikes that delicate balance perfectly.
Talk about distorting my message? I figure it was only fair to have pictures from Salvador Dali on the ebook version available with each version. Imagine his work coupled with each 'translation' of my work? Sinergy baby!!
As you can tell I went with two artists who, like me, keep one leg grounded in the reality of genius and the other in the fantasy of insanity. Brilliant I say, Brilliant!
The most magical thing about the e-book version? We've partnered with Apple and AT&T to make it available as a free download to anyone and everyone who asks with an iPad. I expect my book will stay on the top 10 list for eternity. If you'd like to share it with a friend, just squirt it. We licensed Microsoft's squirt technology which debuted on their fumbled Zune a number of years ago. Talk about a great way to share the good news.
Why the leap to ebook distribution? It takes few natural resources to print and distribute. Instead of loading pallets of bibles onto trucks and airplanes, we squirt it around the world. It feels wonderful knowing I can release my message whenever it feels right without having to resort to aphrodisiacs or medication to alleviate my ED (electronic distribution) challenges. There's a lot of pent up demand so when it's ready to go, there will be a tsunami of love. Embrace it. Take it. Take ALL 66 books of it. Take it now. It feels wonderful, don't it. When you wanna share, just give it a good squirt and the next person will enjoy it just as much (if not more) as you. Hopefully it'll be as good for you as it was for me! Anyone got a cigarette?
The e-readers, also afford the luxury of a moral compass and reference guide to refer to when those trials and tribulations sneak up on you. All my wisdom is just an arms reach away at any given time.
Isn't technology wonderful? Hell yeah!
My book (aka the bible) was never meant to be so long and complicated. It started out as a simple 300 page self help book with an 'about me' section printed on the back - you know, to build credibility with my minions. Most of the lessons were taught using short, sweet and to the point parables - similar to those one minute manager books or the chicken soup for the soul series.
You know how history is and how many times the good book has been translated... Starting with King James, the thing snowballed out of control. Moving the thing is like having 2 mega-metropolitan phone books (the white and yellow pages) and needing a small, two wheeled dolly to take them anywhere. My book got wordy and heavy; losing a lot of it's impact - although it makes an impact when dropped. King James really screwed it up with all the thys, thous, thees and thuses - people couldn't figure out what they were reading. What was he thinking? My message is simple. It shouldn't take a degree in pre-dawn literature to get the main idea. For crying out loud.
So, the bible is no longer a portable guide to godly living. Well, pilgrims - starting on April 3, the e-book version of the good book will be available exclusively on Apple's iPad. Steve Job called me early last week to negotiate a deal. The Holy Bible will be available for the first time to be viewed on their beautiful 9.5 inch diagonal, high resolution full color screen. Versions for the other e-readers will be released simultaneously at exactly midnight. It's the pre-sale to coincide with ChristFest! Having a top notch marketing team is quite wonderful. It's almost like we're Disney making movies and thinking about the happy meal toys we're gonna include in the promotional hoopla during initial art of conception.
It's gonna be really cool because the option exists to read any version you want with a simple finger gesture on their touch sensitive screen. I am thrilled to announce the original 300 page version will be available, too. I partnered with Salvador Dali and M.C. Escher to update the illustrations for today's modern times. Books with pictures reach a broader target demographic than those printed in black and white. The team at Jesus! Inc. is also working to create a new and improved coloring book for the youngins. I think Chic-Fil-A will be an excellent distribution point for the teasers of the full version.
Check out the detail found in Escher's work to the right. It'll make the new coloring books more fun and at the same time, more challenging. Make it too easy and the kids get bored. Make it too hard and the kids get frustrated. Either way, todays children (tomorrows adults) will stray from me - and no one wants that to happen. I think Escher's work strikes that delicate balance perfectly.Talk about distorting my message? I figure it was only fair to have pictures from Salvador Dali on the ebook version available with each version. Imagine his work coupled with each 'translation' of my work? Sinergy baby!!
As you can tell I went with two artists who, like me, keep one leg grounded in the reality of genius and the other in the fantasy of insanity. Brilliant I say, Brilliant!
The most magical thing about the e-book version? We've partnered with Apple and AT&T to make it available as a free download to anyone and everyone who asks with an iPad. I expect my book will stay on the top 10 list for eternity. If you'd like to share it with a friend, just squirt it. We licensed Microsoft's squirt technology which debuted on their fumbled Zune a number of years ago. Talk about a great way to share the good news.
Why the leap to ebook distribution? It takes few natural resources to print and distribute. Instead of loading pallets of bibles onto trucks and airplanes, we squirt it around the world. It feels wonderful knowing I can release my message whenever it feels right without having to resort to aphrodisiacs or medication to alleviate my ED (electronic distribution) challenges. There's a lot of pent up demand so when it's ready to go, there will be a tsunami of love. Embrace it. Take it. Take ALL 66 books of it. Take it now. It feels wonderful, don't it. When you wanna share, just give it a good squirt and the next person will enjoy it just as much (if not more) as you. Hopefully it'll be as good for you as it was for me! Anyone got a cigarette?
The e-readers, also afford the luxury of a moral compass and reference guide to refer to when those trials and tribulations sneak up on you. All my wisdom is just an arms reach away at any given time.
Isn't technology wonderful? Hell yeah!
Monday, March 22, 2010
ChristFest logistics
Baaaahhh - What up sheep? I was cruising route 101 in the JEDI machine thinking about my life. I got more children than any of you - like an entire world full of them.... Musta been gettin' it on back in the day. Thank me I can heal myself from all those STD's out there. How would I ever take all of you along with me on a family road trip? The automakers make all kinds of vehicles to transport groups of people. Minivans, Suburbans, 15 passenger vans, stretch limos, small busses, big busses, double decker busses, and the like. Perhaps we could utilize all the aircraft in the world and fly everyone in for the party? I started to freak out because I don't think it is humanly or divinely possible to make a single vehicle big enough for all of us.
ChristFest is just around the corner. How are we all going to get to ChristFest? A monorail might work. Everyone could park in a centralized location and take the monorail to my party... I figure it woud take a couple million trips on the loop. Logistically, it would be a nightmare to move everyone to and from our party spot. If Extreme Makeover can build a house in a few days, surely we have time to build a monorail.... Less I digress...
Then I thought we could go global for the party. I could schedule a resurfacing of the moon and a full moon on the night of the party and shine the sun on it - like a giant disco ball. The angels would hover the planet and sing song with their angelic voices for all the world to hear - acapella style. It would be glorious.
As I think about it more, ChristFest is about partying hard - not some kind of celtic woman/man new age wuss fest. It's about the resurrection of me, the greatest jewish man of all times. With the angelic chorus, the kids would be missing out on the contemporary music with the hip beat they like to dance to while smoking weed. I'm gonna stick to the original plan.
I'm glad I am the ruler of the universe. For ChristFest I got all the special effects good to go. The moon as the disco ball, a fog machine is cake and the strobe light will be nonstop lightening - controlling weather is awesome. Since I am ruler of the world, I control all that stuff on command. The only elements I am missing are the glow stick and glowing necklace kind of things. Anyone got any ideas? The party's gonna be the shiz. People will talk about it for like ever. The annual party for all times! If things get too out of hand, I'll have to rain on the parade.
Less I digress....
Back to the transportation thing - It's a good thing you come to me instead of vice-versa. I can't imagine having to bring you to me or with me. The choice is yours - follow me for your salvation. Or, be forever lost...
I'd really like it if we were one big, happy family. Maybe you guys could carpool or we could set up some kind of convoy like military personnel use - I don't know.
Whatever, I'm sure the executive staff of JESUS! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) will get it figured out. They are the best. No, that's not right. You are the best. Never mind, what am I thinking? I am the best.
Love, Jesus!
ChristFest is just around the corner. How are we all going to get to ChristFest? A monorail might work. Everyone could park in a centralized location and take the monorail to my party... I figure it woud take a couple million trips on the loop. Logistically, it would be a nightmare to move everyone to and from our party spot. If Extreme Makeover can build a house in a few days, surely we have time to build a monorail.... Less I digress...
Then I thought we could go global for the party. I could schedule a resurfacing of the moon and a full moon on the night of the party and shine the sun on it - like a giant disco ball. The angels would hover the planet and sing song with their angelic voices for all the world to hear - acapella style. It would be glorious.
As I think about it more, ChristFest is about partying hard - not some kind of celtic woman/man new age wuss fest. It's about the resurrection of me, the greatest jewish man of all times. With the angelic chorus, the kids would be missing out on the contemporary music with the hip beat they like to dance to while smoking weed. I'm gonna stick to the original plan.
I'm glad I am the ruler of the universe. For ChristFest I got all the special effects good to go. The moon as the disco ball, a fog machine is cake and the strobe light will be nonstop lightening - controlling weather is awesome. Since I am ruler of the world, I control all that stuff on command. The only elements I am missing are the glow stick and glowing necklace kind of things. Anyone got any ideas? The party's gonna be the shiz. People will talk about it for like ever. The annual party for all times! If things get too out of hand, I'll have to rain on the parade.
Less I digress....
Back to the transportation thing - It's a good thing you come to me instead of vice-versa. I can't imagine having to bring you to me or with me. The choice is yours - follow me for your salvation. Or, be forever lost...
I'd really like it if we were one big, happy family. Maybe you guys could carpool or we could set up some kind of convoy like military personnel use - I don't know.
Whatever, I'm sure the executive staff of JESUS! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) will get it figured out. They are the best. No, that's not right. You are the best. Never mind, what am I thinking? I am the best.
Love, Jesus!
Sunday, March 21, 2010
Benedict's Scandal
Hello Believers - Pope Benedict Arnold needs to do more than send a letter apologizing for the conduct of his priests - not only to the Italians, but to the entire world. I swear to me, those priests of his must be a member of some union - like the fraternal order of the priesthood or something. The union president and foremen must have pictures of Benny getting nasty with a cardinal in public (away from the vatican). These guys are abusing my children and all Benny does is send a generic letter of apology? Absolutely Insulting. Hiding behind a friggin' pen and a piece of paper. Hey Benedict, if I had my way, you'd be stripped of your role, your little freak costume with the robes and pointy hats, I would tar and feather you for the entire world to see. Your dignity would be history.
His people answer to him and he answers to me. If I was him, I'd go for public castration - that oughta make a small dent to righting the wrongs that have been done under his (and John Paul's) watch. Oh wait, turn the other cheek. Maybe not in this case.
People should expect such deviant behavior cumming coming from a bunch of men who think they are gods themselves. I am the one and only God and I can not even believe people behave this way. Satan is appalled. I think the only one laughing is HellBoy. Less I digress.
What would happen if the buttlicks Catholics only allowed women to be in a position of authority? Would little girls be abused? Probably not-women are estrogen based. The sorry excuses for men are testosterone based and have no way to appropriately channel their aggressions and anger.
Could you possibly imagine a catholic church allowing men AND women to serve side by side. It hasn't happened in thousands of years so why would it start now?
The entire problem with the catholics is the suppression of primal desire. Physical contact, love and sex in the confines of holy matrimony or holy union. And no, a child joined to a priest's penis is not a holy union. Idiots. Seriously - with the fraternal order of the priesthood, their desires become more insatiable and they begin to manifest themselves in some really twisted ways. The only way the catholics can act on their desires is to take out their anger, pent up frustration and aggression of not being able to have sexual relations and act on innocent children. Absolutely Sick.
The rules their little organization instituted has caused their world to crumble. I can't believe how their sheep can be so forgiving and put up with this behavior. Do you people not understand these guys you call the leaders of YOUR church are nothing more than a brotherhood sick twisted perverts? It's like turning a bunch of pedophiles loose in a daycare. Oh, wait... that's the problem....
As God, I may actually hate these guys and their little club and send them to the place I don't talk about that often. HELL. We all know it is there and I use it as a last resort. Can you imagine these bozos thinking they are doing my work only to find themselves tormented for their eternal lives living in the sewers of hell?
Now if I was running their show, I can see having the fraternal order of the priesthood. However, I would also incorporate a sorority called the sisterhood of the nunnery.
Here's where it gets really good: I would rent out the ballroom at an Embassy Suites near vatican city. Shuttle the sisterhood and brotherhood to the hotel. Upon arrival we would have everyone stop at a table and fill out name tags like this one:
After the name tag is affixed to their robes, the next stop would be the baskets with free condoms. In each basket, there there would be a sign that reads, "Party Hats mandatory - take one." The men awkwardly sliding condoms into their stoles. Even more awkward would be the women stashing condoms in their head pieces - no, I won't go there....
The manager's reception would open and they start boozing - loosening up a bit and lowering their inhibitions. I can see it now, all the men and women in their religious garb glancing at each others name tags, introducing themselves and making small talk. They'd be buying drinks for one another - like the big spenders at those all-inclusive resorts. The night would suddenly have potential. The doors to the ballroom would open and we'd have a little dance. Open Bar. Modern music with the beat the kids love. Dancing would inevitably leads to wanting to do the horizontal hokey pokey. It becomes blatantly obvious couples are forming. This is gonna be better than a preppy frat party.
Here's the kicker - we'd have the entire joint.... so when it just feels right, they could frolic up to one of the suites and finally act on and enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. Swing from the chandaliers and have some of that crazy monkey sex. First Base, Second Base, Third Base and a Home Run (we could call it a home nun?) Touchdown! He shoots - he scores! Hopefully you get the idea.
I wonder how many nuns have seen a man make their "O-Face?"
The next day, we'd load them back up in the busses and shuttle them back to vatican city. It would be awkward. They wouldn't even be able to look at each other and at the same time they'd all have these goofy smiles on their faces. Yet, when they got back to their own traditional living quarters, I would love to be a fly on the wall and hear the stories they'd tell. Wait - I hear everything anways so my presence wouldn't be needed to get the 411. At meal time, the men and women who just fornicated would be discretely glancing at each other, waiving to one another and winking. The funniest moment would be when they begin making suggestive movements and gestures with their tacos, hotdogs, bananas and cucumbers. What a sight!
Then I could come down for their first chapel session and give a speech in front of a giant "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner! Hallelujah!
His people answer to him and he answers to me. If I was him, I'd go for public castration - that oughta make a small dent to righting the wrongs that have been done under his (and John Paul's) watch. Oh wait, turn the other cheek. Maybe not in this case.
People should expect such deviant behavior cumming coming from a bunch of men who think they are gods themselves. I am the one and only God and I can not even believe people behave this way. Satan is appalled. I think the only one laughing is HellBoy. Less I digress.
What would happen if the buttlicks Catholics only allowed women to be in a position of authority? Would little girls be abused? Probably not-women are estrogen based. The sorry excuses for men are testosterone based and have no way to appropriately channel their aggressions and anger.
Could you possibly imagine a catholic church allowing men AND women to serve side by side. It hasn't happened in thousands of years so why would it start now?
The entire problem with the catholics is the suppression of primal desire. Physical contact, love and sex in the confines of holy matrimony or holy union. And no, a child joined to a priest's penis is not a holy union. Idiots. Seriously - with the fraternal order of the priesthood, their desires become more insatiable and they begin to manifest themselves in some really twisted ways. The only way the catholics can act on their desires is to take out their anger, pent up frustration and aggression of not being able to have sexual relations and act on innocent children. Absolutely Sick.
The rules their little organization instituted has caused their world to crumble. I can't believe how their sheep can be so forgiving and put up with this behavior. Do you people not understand these guys you call the leaders of YOUR church are nothing more than a brotherhood sick twisted perverts? It's like turning a bunch of pedophiles loose in a daycare. Oh, wait... that's the problem....
As God, I may actually hate these guys and their little club and send them to the place I don't talk about that often. HELL. We all know it is there and I use it as a last resort. Can you imagine these bozos thinking they are doing my work only to find themselves tormented for their eternal lives living in the sewers of hell?
Now if I was running their show, I can see having the fraternal order of the priesthood. However, I would also incorporate a sorority called the sisterhood of the nunnery.
Here's where it gets really good: I would rent out the ballroom at an Embassy Suites near vatican city. Shuttle the sisterhood and brotherhood to the hotel. Upon arrival we would have everyone stop at a table and fill out name tags like this one:
The manager's reception would open and they start boozing - loosening up a bit and lowering their inhibitions. I can see it now, all the men and women in their religious garb glancing at each others name tags, introducing themselves and making small talk. They'd be buying drinks for one another - like the big spenders at those all-inclusive resorts. The night would suddenly have potential. The doors to the ballroom would open and we'd have a little dance. Open Bar. Modern music with the beat the kids love. Dancing would inevitably leads to wanting to do the horizontal hokey pokey. It becomes blatantly obvious couples are forming. This is gonna be better than a preppy frat party.
Here's the kicker - we'd have the entire joint.... so when it just feels right, they could frolic up to one of the suites and finally act on and enjoy the pleasures of the flesh. Swing from the chandaliers and have some of that crazy monkey sex. First Base, Second Base, Third Base and a Home Run (we could call it a home nun?) Touchdown! He shoots - he scores! Hopefully you get the idea.
I wonder how many nuns have seen a man make their "O-Face?"
The next day, we'd load them back up in the busses and shuttle them back to vatican city. It would be awkward. They wouldn't even be able to look at each other and at the same time they'd all have these goofy smiles on their faces. Yet, when they got back to their own traditional living quarters, I would love to be a fly on the wall and hear the stories they'd tell. Wait - I hear everything anways so my presence wouldn't be needed to get the 411. At meal time, the men and women who just fornicated would be discretely glancing at each other, waiving to one another and winking. The funniest moment would be when they begin making suggestive movements and gestures with their tacos, hotdogs, bananas and cucumbers. What a sight!
Then I could come down for their first chapel session and give a speech in front of a giant "MISSION ACCOMPLISHED" banner! Hallelujah!
Saturday, March 20, 2010
Brother John Fitzgerald Kennedy
Ask not what your God can do for you. Ask what you can do for your God.
My fellow citizens of the world: Ask not what my kingdom can do for you but what together we can do for the redemption of all people.
Brother Kennedy was on to something...
My fellow citizens of the world: Ask not what my kingdom can do for you but what together we can do for the redemption of all people.
Brother Kennedy was on to something...
Friday, March 19, 2010
Heaven is indeed the Best Place on Earth!!
Sister Carlisle knows what I'm talkin' about. Why does she look like she's getting boned numerous times in the video? The sexual orgasm (one of my greatest gifts of pleasure made especially for you) feels like a taste of heaven on Earth! I guess that means a bed, countertop, swimming pool, hot tub, beach, automobile seat, hotel room, and airplane lavatory could be considered heaven on Earth? Well, except if you're catholic and you happened to be an alter boy... Less I digress....
That's right - Heaven is indeed the best place on Earth. Most people experience the feeling while doing the horizontal hokey pokey. Of course, the hokey pokey is NEVER to take place outside the covenant of holy matrimony. I planned for this when creating the ten commandments. See numbers 7 and 10. Back in the day, I thought of everything. I'm good.
"Besides the liquor and the drugs which always seem to accompany such an event (dances) the thing that distresses me even more, Ren, is the spiritual corruption that can be involved. These dances and this kind of music can be destructive, and, uh, Ren, I'm afraid you're going to find most of the people in our community are gonna agree with me on this. " - Reverend Shaw Moore - Footloose
Thursday, March 18, 2010
Noah's Ministry
Hello Children - Noah just sent this in to our home office in New Hope, PA.
We've been sponsoring Noah (cubit ministries) since he followed my instructions to build the ark to keep the animals safe while we cleansed planet Earth. The investment Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) made with Noah's ministry is paying off exponentially - talk about maximizing returns. Even the animals accept me as their lord and savior. Luckily, there is not a lot of forgiving required of me to the animals. They pretty much lead a sin free life. How beautiful!!!
The difficult part in dealing with animals is hearing their prayers at the gates of the slaughterhouse. It breaks my heart. But hay - man has to eat. We didn't claw our way to the top of the food chain not to enjoy some good beef. These cows make icecream, barbecue and hamburgers possible. I'd say the sacrifice is well worth it, wouldn't you? Flatulence coming from livestock is having a negative impact on climate change. Reducing greenhouse gases is a good thing and we are doing our part.
Holy Cow! Disney thinks they got something with Minnie Moo?!?!?! Can't touch this. Whatever you can do, we can do better.
Peace and Love - Jesus!
We've been sponsoring Noah (cubit ministries) since he followed my instructions to build the ark to keep the animals safe while we cleansed planet Earth. The investment Jesus! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) made with Noah's ministry is paying off exponentially - talk about maximizing returns. Even the animals accept me as their lord and savior. Luckily, there is not a lot of forgiving required of me to the animals. They pretty much lead a sin free life. How beautiful!!!
The difficult part in dealing with animals is hearing their prayers at the gates of the slaughterhouse. It breaks my heart. But hay - man has to eat. We didn't claw our way to the top of the food chain not to enjoy some good beef. These cows make icecream, barbecue and hamburgers possible. I'd say the sacrifice is well worth it, wouldn't you? Flatulence coming from livestock is having a negative impact on climate change. Reducing greenhouse gases is a good thing and we are doing our part.
Holy Cow! Disney thinks they got something with Minnie Moo?!?!?! Can't touch this. Whatever you can do, we can do better.
Peace and Love - Jesus!
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
My Brand is Fascinating!
Dudes and Dudettes - This marketing guru put together some nice ideas about what makes a brand resonate. Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) hits a homer on every single criteria - a grand slam when the bases are loaded. The best line in the write up goes something like this: The best brands aren't about brands... they're about bringing people together with your brand. Amen! Or, as the kids say, "True Dat!"
When I created humans, I never intended them to live in solitary confinement. A true test of one's character is what they do and how they act when no one is watching. Anyway, I created you as a social creature. Every single one of you was put on this planet to interact with one another (and me), share ideas (about me), and partner together (with me) to do great things.... See, the entire universe rotates around me... I am the sun in your solar system! Less I digress....
Back onto the brand thing. Recent pew surveys always talk about and rank brands, logos and their associated companies. Yeah, everyone always talks about the same old companies. Nike with the swoosh symbol and the just do it campagin. Google with their information locating services. Coke with the bottle design and their classic logo. Apple and their fruit. McDonald's and the golden arches. IBM's crafted logo. Ford's blue oval. Disney's signature and their reputation for fine family entertainment... You get the idea.
Have you ever noticed, without fail, they leave JESUS! Inc. out of every single study and survey on branding and corporate identity. Me and my brand are the trump card making all the others irrelevant. Sure, the others are pretty recognizable. Everyone knows what my logo means and what it stands for - me, my movement, the sacrifice I made and my gift to you. Even a monkey recognizes the cross and knows I created them on the path to creating and perfecting you... Ever know someone to get confused about what exactly the cross means or represents? Uh, no.
Do you know why? Huh, do you? I'm kinda of a big deal. I am a universal truth. I know all and I am known to all. My message speaks to the core of who you are. I bring meaning to life. I give you something to believe in. (BTW - Brett Michaels and I partnered beautifully on that song) I'm your invisible most bestest friend in the world. Whoever hasn't herd heard of me, my message, my movement or my club is completely and literally lost. They must be living under a rock. I am the giver of life.
And there's one more thing... They should really look at my brand. I don't play it safe. I love on the edge. Either you love me or you hate me. I am polarizing - like a pair of 3D glasses. People fight wars in my name. People love sharing my message. I'm a dichotomy of what a good brand is, and what a bad brand isn't. I'm also the epitome of what a bad brand is and a good brand isn't. I bring out the best and the worst of humanity. At the same time, too. Top that. This brand's for you.
So to all those "real men of genius" marketing gurus hypothesizing on what makes a great brand from your ivory towers with the stained glass ceilings stand back. If you really want to research and document a case study for the most successful marketing and branding known to man, look no further than the Father! That's right. Shine your spotlight on me and I will show you the way.
Peace Out.
P.S. - It felt good to finally get that off my chest.
When I created humans, I never intended them to live in solitary confinement. A true test of one's character is what they do and how they act when no one is watching. Anyway, I created you as a social creature. Every single one of you was put on this planet to interact with one another (and me), share ideas (about me), and partner together (with me) to do great things.... See, the entire universe rotates around me... I am the sun in your solar system! Less I digress....
Back onto the brand thing. Recent pew surveys always talk about and rank brands, logos and their associated companies. Yeah, everyone always talks about the same old companies. Nike with the swoosh symbol and the just do it campagin. Google with their information locating services. Coke with the bottle design and their classic logo. Apple and their fruit. McDonald's and the golden arches. IBM's crafted logo. Ford's blue oval. Disney's signature and their reputation for fine family entertainment... You get the idea.
Have you ever noticed, without fail, they leave JESUS! Inc. out of every single study and survey on branding and corporate identity. Me and my brand are the trump card making all the others irrelevant. Sure, the others are pretty recognizable. Everyone knows what my logo means and what it stands for - me, my movement, the sacrifice I made and my gift to you. Even a monkey recognizes the cross and knows I created them on the path to creating and perfecting you... Ever know someone to get confused about what exactly the cross means or represents? Uh, no.
Do you know why? Huh, do you? I'm kinda of a big deal. I am a universal truth. I know all and I am known to all. My message speaks to the core of who you are. I bring meaning to life. I give you something to believe in. (BTW - Brett Michaels and I partnered beautifully on that song) I'm your invisible most bestest friend in the world. Whoever hasn't herd heard of me, my message, my movement or my club is completely and literally lost. They must be living under a rock. I am the giver of life.
And there's one more thing... They should really look at my brand. I don't play it safe. I love on the edge. Either you love me or you hate me. I am polarizing - like a pair of 3D glasses. People fight wars in my name. People love sharing my message. I'm a dichotomy of what a good brand is, and what a bad brand isn't. I'm also the epitome of what a bad brand is and a good brand isn't. I bring out the best and the worst of humanity. At the same time, too. Top that. This brand's for you.
So to all those "real men of genius" marketing gurus hypothesizing on what makes a great brand from your ivory towers with the stained glass ceilings stand back. If you really want to research and document a case study for the most successful marketing and branding known to man, look no further than the Father! That's right. Shine your spotlight on me and I will show you the way.
Peace Out.
P.S. - It felt good to finally get that off my chest.
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
Motor vehicle license plates
I'm driving down the interstate in the pope cruizer. I look up and see a license plate reading, "U R LORD". I pull up to the dude, yelling out the window. He rolls his window down. I yell - Hey Man - You're right, I am LORD! He smiles, waves and gives a big thumbs up! He knew me when he saw me. I blessed him.
Now, some of the fine states in our union are allowing 7 characters. I put an application in with the department of motor vehicles to change the cruizer's license plate to read "IAMLORD" - that's only going to be on the cruizer.
My daily driver already reads "JEDI" For those wondering what kind of car I drive among the mortals, see below:
Now, some of the fine states in our union are allowing 7 characters. I put an application in with the department of motor vehicles to change the cruizer's license plate to read "IAMLORD" - that's only going to be on the cruizer.
My daily driver already reads "JEDI" For those wondering what kind of car I drive among the mortals, see below:
Handling is heavenly. Plus, I really like the LED lights below the headlights. They look really cool when I'm leading you to lead a godly life according to the principles in my biography and guide for successful living.
Azazele has one, too - see below:
His plate reads "VADER" and people are always shocked when he's drafting on their tail, knocking at the back door.
It's way cool when Satan and I are screaming down the road zig-zagging through traffic. Both he and I love dancing between the raindrops when behind the wheel.
As a side note, Pope Lavartheus is still in training. His motor vehicle's license plate reads "PADAWAN." When he's not rolling the cruizer, this is his daily driver. It looks good but doesn't go very fast or handle very well. Baby steps my friend, baby steps.
For those concerned about the money Jesus! Inc (NYSE JSUS) is spending on transportation - fear not. Just because I am the Lord your God doesn't mean I've got to slum it. I work hard for you and deserve the fruits of my labors. Seed time and harvest, baby.
Rock On Believers, Rock On! - J-Dawg the HOTdog!
Monday, March 15, 2010
HellBoy
Look...
HellBoy was a hatchling from this lady. She managed to conceal her identity for a long time. As always, she could no longer keep living a lie. Her body made sure we all knew who she really is. She spawned HellBoy. Traitor.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Daylight Savings Time
Ugh. I'm exhausted. I think this DayLight Savings Time thing is HellBoy's work. Why would anyone force us to give up an hour of sleep. I realize it is only an hour, but still. I'm a busy man and I need my rest.
I'm not complaining - but my days are filled working miracles each and every day, not to mention being ruler of the world and CEO of JESUS! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS). I am doing something for everyone (including you) always. Every minute of every day. Every day of every week. Every week of every month. Every month of every year. Every year of every decade. Every decade of every century. Every century of every millenium. Every millenium of eternity.
What does it take for a guy get a break?
I'm not complaining - but my days are filled working miracles each and every day, not to mention being ruler of the world and CEO of JESUS! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS). I am doing something for everyone (including you) always. Every minute of every day. Every day of every week. Every week of every month. Every month of every year. Every year of every decade. Every decade of every century. Every century of every millenium. Every millenium of eternity.
What does it take for a guy get a break?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
Friday, March 12, 2010
Mistory Lesson
Yo' Dawg - Word to you which passes all human understanding. I am the shepherd and you are my sheep. When a sheep strays from the flock, I go out and find him/her and bring them safely home. Home with me.
I always place extra focus on the lost (but now are found) sheep to make sure we all stay together as a big, happy family. Two parts love, one part hypnosis, one part positive reinforcement and a dash of fear always go a long way. My lost children need some feeding. What part of the trust in me to meet every single need gets lost in translation? I'm awesome and a simple praise me goes a long way to motivating me to provide and care for you. A little, "Thank you sweet baby Jesus" for all the blessings I bestow upon you never hurts, either.
A natural evolutionary law - no one ever bites the hand that feeds them. Never. Only a fool would do such a thing. Why do you think I became ultra popular with the entire fish and bread thing? Who in their right mind throws a GIGANTIC party where thousands of people are smoking out, getting the munchies and no one thought of food? It's like a bunch of monks cruising the red light district after 30+ years being in an intimate relationship by themselves with themselves. Creepy if you ask me. These people needed some serious feeding to satiate their yearning.
The only ones to even think about food was this lesbian couple on a predawn fishing trip. The feminine one had some bread in her backpack. The woman of the house may as well have been fishing in the dead sea. Seriously, all she caught was a few sickly fish? I decided to work some magic and multiply the food to feed the party goers. As my mortal momma always said, "Free food tastes the best!" Boy oh Boy - she was right about that!
After feeding the folks at the party, me and my movement went completely viral - facebook, twitter, myspace and the media exploded making me bigger than Elvis. Everyone loved me. I was an instant celebrity - you'd think I could walk on water or something.
My movement spread like a blazing forest fire. I wanted to capitalize on the attention and bring the people together. I started prototyping the early corporate owned churches - really focusing not only on product but, on the complete Jesus! experience. The next thing, we started franchising and growing faster than Starbucks. It was a way to focus the buzz and create neighborhood hangouts. Places "where everybody knows your name." Next thing I know, the patrons set out on a love crusade to recruit more and more members to my little club. We go public and the rest is history.
Look how far we've come in such a long time!
Love, Jesus
President, CEO and Chairman
Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)
I always place extra focus on the lost (but now are found) sheep to make sure we all stay together as a big, happy family. Two parts love, one part hypnosis, one part positive reinforcement and a dash of fear always go a long way. My lost children need some feeding. What part of the trust in me to meet every single need gets lost in translation? I'm awesome and a simple praise me goes a long way to motivating me to provide and care for you. A little, "Thank you sweet baby Jesus" for all the blessings I bestow upon you never hurts, either.
A natural evolutionary law - no one ever bites the hand that feeds them. Never. Only a fool would do such a thing. Why do you think I became ultra popular with the entire fish and bread thing? Who in their right mind throws a GIGANTIC party where thousands of people are smoking out, getting the munchies and no one thought of food? It's like a bunch of monks cruising the red light district after 30+ years being in an intimate relationship by themselves with themselves. Creepy if you ask me. These people needed some serious feeding to satiate their yearning.
The only ones to even think about food was this lesbian couple on a predawn fishing trip. The feminine one had some bread in her backpack. The woman of the house may as well have been fishing in the dead sea. Seriously, all she caught was a few sickly fish? I decided to work some magic and multiply the food to feed the party goers. As my mortal momma always said, "Free food tastes the best!" Boy oh Boy - she was right about that!
After feeding the folks at the party, me and my movement went completely viral - facebook, twitter, myspace and the media exploded making me bigger than Elvis. Everyone loved me. I was an instant celebrity - you'd think I could walk on water or something.
My movement spread like a blazing forest fire. I wanted to capitalize on the attention and bring the people together. I started prototyping the early corporate owned churches - really focusing not only on product but, on the complete Jesus! experience. The next thing, we started franchising and growing faster than Starbucks. It was a way to focus the buzz and create neighborhood hangouts. Places "where everybody knows your name." Next thing I know, the patrons set out on a love crusade to recruit more and more members to my little club. We go public and the rest is history.
Look how far we've come in such a long time!
Love, Jesus
President, CEO and Chairman
Jesus! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
ChristFest Planning - Kids programming
This just in... Noah is bringing his petting zoo to the kids section of ChristFest!! Two of every animal will be available in an interactive environment where you can see and touch all of my living creatures. Elephant, camel and pony rides, too! It's gonna be awesome!
For the kids, there are going to be tons of carnival rides and games. Go fish, cross toss (ring toss), skeet ball, etc. Of course, prizes will be awarded - think CFA. For the super duper prizes, we'll have Jesus! action figures, satan plush, baskets, hand carved chairs, etc.
The next thing is gonna blow your minds. Medicinal marijuana available to all. I will be demonstrating my walk-on-water magic show. I'll take volunteers from the audience. All they have to do is believe and they will grace the surface of the water. Video cameras are not permitted to protect me and the performers from injury. The marijuana should greatly enhance the walk on water demonstrations.
I already mentioned the Hard Crock Rock Cafe was going to be at the hub. It is our sit down eatery. Every party is incomplete without having carnival grub. Since this is the biggest party of the year, all the food trailer and cart people want in. So - we will have snow cones in hell, funnel cakes, fajitas, roasted corn on the cob, burgers, dogs and the like. Cotton candy is a must. We're only doing white because it reminds of heaven - you know, the clouds and such.
Face painting will be available too. Kinda like ash-wednesday except we will be coloring the ashes so they kinda look like pixie stick colors. We'll be treating each face with a special adhesive so the ashes don't smudge. I can see it now, people running around the fair grounds with their faces painted with fish, doves, crosses, mangers, silouhettes of me, the holy grail, and all kinds of wonderful symbols. I'm sure participants will be creative. I can't wait to see it.
For those wanting the full JESUS! experience, full body emersion baptisms will be available for those wanting to have an intimate relationship with me. They must agree to lead a godly life, share my teachings with others and uphold all the values and principles in my biography and guide for successful living.
I'm excited for the fire pit, too. The pit will double as a bonfire so people from miles away will be able to see our party going on and hopefully come to know me as their lord and savior. I gotta hand it to Satan, the fire pit thing was his idea... LOVE IT!
Of course, we will also have a story tent where parables from the good book will be shared in an interactive way. Maybe puppet shows or live dramas - whatever people wanna do to come to know me, I'm good with it.
As you can tell, I am VERY excited for ChristFest. Hope to see you there! - JC
For the kids, there are going to be tons of carnival rides and games. Go fish, cross toss (ring toss), skeet ball, etc. Of course, prizes will be awarded - think CFA. For the super duper prizes, we'll have Jesus! action figures, satan plush, baskets, hand carved chairs, etc.
The next thing is gonna blow your minds. Medicinal marijuana available to all. I will be demonstrating my walk-on-water magic show. I'll take volunteers from the audience. All they have to do is believe and they will grace the surface of the water. Video cameras are not permitted to protect me and the performers from injury. The marijuana should greatly enhance the walk on water demonstrations.
I already mentioned the Hard Crock Rock Cafe was going to be at the hub. It is our sit down eatery. Every party is incomplete without having carnival grub. Since this is the biggest party of the year, all the food trailer and cart people want in. So - we will have snow cones in hell, funnel cakes, fajitas, roasted corn on the cob, burgers, dogs and the like. Cotton candy is a must. We're only doing white because it reminds of heaven - you know, the clouds and such.
Face painting will be available too. Kinda like ash-wednesday except we will be coloring the ashes so they kinda look like pixie stick colors. We'll be treating each face with a special adhesive so the ashes don't smudge. I can see it now, people running around the fair grounds with their faces painted with fish, doves, crosses, mangers, silouhettes of me, the holy grail, and all kinds of wonderful symbols. I'm sure participants will be creative. I can't wait to see it.
For those wanting the full JESUS! experience, full body emersion baptisms will be available for those wanting to have an intimate relationship with me. They must agree to lead a godly life, share my teachings with others and uphold all the values and principles in my biography and guide for successful living.
I'm excited for the fire pit, too. The pit will double as a bonfire so people from miles away will be able to see our party going on and hopefully come to know me as their lord and savior. I gotta hand it to Satan, the fire pit thing was his idea... LOVE IT!
Of course, we will also have a story tent where parables from the good book will be shared in an interactive way. Maybe puppet shows or live dramas - whatever people wanna do to come to know me, I'm good with it.
As you can tell, I am VERY excited for ChristFest. Hope to see you there! - JC
Crackhead at a funeral
I don't quite know what to say... These are the people who believe in me.... Dude - please surrender your membership card. I don't want you in my little club - you're making us look bad.
Monday, March 8, 2010
Chic-Fil-A?
Children - I love CFA... They bring something unique to the fast food seen. Chicken sandwiches. Yummy! Brother Truett Cathy invented the chicken sandwich. I planted a seed in his heart to do something brilliant with his life. He nurtured that seed and wala - CFA was born. Did you know they play contemporary Christian music in every location? It's the kind with the hot beat the kids really groove to. Eat a sandwich and get turned on to me. LOVE IT!! Less I digress...
I was in the area doing some surprise inspections on our franchise churches all day yesterday. Before heading back to our headquarters in New Hope, PA, I thought a CFA seasonal chocolate peppermint milk shakes would hit the spot. I am riding with Pope Lavartheus in the cruizer, pulling up to the drive-thru. There's no one there and the lights are off. What? CFA is closed? Then we remembered - it's Sunday. Brother Cathy has been closed on Sunday from the beginning.
Do you know how much CFA could add to their bottom line with 52 additional days of business added to their fiscal year? I see it now - my children visiting CFA after church, eating a delicious chicken sandwich and letting the young'ns enjoy each other's company in the climate controlled fellowship hall designed with kids in mind. It's a beautiful sight as I think about it.
We could also use CFA as a distribution point for some of our products to be included in the kid's meals. I think kid sized plastic mugs with 'Jesus Loves Me' artistically written on the side, or maybe a book mark with some of my favorite bible verses printed on it - like a weekly top 10 list. Parents love making their kids memorize the best quotes from my biography and guide for successful living. Knowledge of my teachings builds character. Parents and I have one thing in common - we want what's best for our kids.
I'll be planting more seeds in Truett's heart. About that shake?
True to You - Jesus
Sunday, March 7, 2010
ChristFest Planning
We did an overnight brainstorming and planning session for ChristFest! It's gonna be a lot like the Disney mega park... We will have a central plaza connecting everything together. Each special section will venture off the plaza into it's own separate and uniquely themed world within a world.
The Central Plaza - We'll call it tombstone - will have a giant wooden cross on a hill with a stone tomb next to it. The stone tomb will house a Hard Crock Rock Cafe. The Hard Rock cafe will feature memorabilia from my time on Earth - like a museum where you can eat. They'll have some of my old robes, the crown of thorns, the manger, the gifts from the wise men, a chronological time line detail the events in my life while on Earth and many more cool things. Pope Lavartheus is going through the archives to build an exhibit to loan them. There's no sense in us keeping all the good stuff hidden away in some vault in New Hope, PA's headquarters. Heck, for the grand opening, we'll have the stone tablets and the holy grail on display, too! We told you this is gonna be BIG! Hard Rock enterprises also agreed to add sacrificial lamb to their list of entrees... Mmmmm Good!
The Central Plaza - We'll call it tombstone - will have a giant wooden cross on a hill with a stone tomb next to it. The stone tomb will house a Hard Crock Rock Cafe. The Hard Rock cafe will feature memorabilia from my time on Earth - like a museum where you can eat. They'll have some of my old robes, the crown of thorns, the manger, the gifts from the wise men, a chronological time line detail the events in my life while on Earth and many more cool things. Pope Lavartheus is going through the archives to build an exhibit to loan them. There's no sense in us keeping all the good stuff hidden away in some vault in New Hope, PA's headquarters. Heck, for the grand opening, we'll have the stone tablets and the holy grail on display, too! We told you this is gonna be BIG! Hard Rock enterprises also agreed to add sacrificial lamb to their list of entrees... Mmmmm Good!
Saturday, March 6, 2010
Party Planning - ChristFest
Hello Sheep - It's lent and the end of the road is fast approaching. Easter is one of those amazing times making your relationship with me even more beautiful than it already is. I die, I'm in a sealed tomb and on the 3rd day, I rise from the dead. Everlasting life. Taking your sins as my own to restore you and make you shiny and new again.
With that JESUS! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) is planning the Easter celebration. After careful consideration, we decided Easter has been twisted into a holiday focused around the chocolate Easter bunnies and egg hunts. Seriously - this is a celebration for the resurrection. This is not as trivial as say, the tooth fairy. I am talking the greatest promise of our little club. Everlasting life for those who believe. It's a beautiful thing.
Out with Easter, in with ChristFest. This is THE party of the year. Forget People's Choice, the Oscar's, Tony's, Emmy's and the like. This is CHRISTFEST - for the coming of ME!
Think of it as a giant party like woodstock and every member of our little club is invited, and encouraged, to attend.... Since I rose again on the third day, we will have a 3 day celebration... One night isn't long enough to party like it's 1999. More details to follow in the coming days.
I am so excited about the party for our little club, I couldn't contain myself and had to tell someone. I thought it best to tell everyone!
Love, Jesus!
With that JESUS! Inc (NYSE: JSUS) is planning the Easter celebration. After careful consideration, we decided Easter has been twisted into a holiday focused around the chocolate Easter bunnies and egg hunts. Seriously - this is a celebration for the resurrection. This is not as trivial as say, the tooth fairy. I am talking the greatest promise of our little club. Everlasting life for those who believe. It's a beautiful thing.
Out with Easter, in with ChristFest. This is THE party of the year. Forget People's Choice, the Oscar's, Tony's, Emmy's and the like. This is CHRISTFEST - for the coming of ME!
Think of it as a giant party like woodstock and every member of our little club is invited, and encouraged, to attend.... Since I rose again on the third day, we will have a 3 day celebration... One night isn't long enough to party like it's 1999. More details to follow in the coming days.
I am so excited about the party for our little club, I couldn't contain myself and had to tell someone. I thought it best to tell everyone!
Love, Jesus!
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
Back in the day
Hello Minions - I was touring the Amish country today. The Amish people lead an interesting life. Very simple and modest - and they are happy, too. I guess I would be happy if my friends raised a barn for me, too. Anyway, the Amish make their own clothes, use a horse and buggy to transport themselves and their goods to and from market, etc. Very modest lifestyle. As I examined their quilt and woodwork I couldn't help but remember my childhood, working with Joseph in the family wood shop.
Everyone thinks we made jewish toys like dreidels. Yes, we did make wooden toys. However, the big money was crafting furniture.... Especially when our work is compared to our peers.
Everyone thinks we made jewish toys like dreidels. Yes, we did make wooden toys. However, the big money was crafting furniture.... Especially when our work is compared to our peers.
Back in the day, a lot of carpenters made furniture looking like this:
Kinda bulky and clumsy - lacking style. I don't know what you'd call it - lame?
Then I remember the nice things my mortal father and I made. We were on the cutting edge.
Check it out. We understood the art of bending wood and thinking multi-dimensionally. Furniture could be functional and aesthetically pleasing. Look at my chair, an absolute work of art. Remember when I told you Steve Jobs does one of the best imitations of me to date - we are both obsessed with design. The chair looks like a fish. I love it. I don't know how many times we prototyped this - but the end result is worth it. Divine intervention. Awesome.
Hey Bob Villa - Can you top this?
Monday, March 1, 2010
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