Funeral Going Away Party

I was driving in the Jedi mobile yesterday and happened upon a funeral procession.  It was a nice parade with police escort, the black hearse, the limos and the mourners.  Let me tell you something.  Funerals are meant to be fun...  Like the greatest party in your life.  There's supposed to be drinking and dancing.  A roast if you will.  Lots of stories, lots of jokes.  People laughing.   For those experiencing a loss, this should be thought of as a bon-voyage party.  For the dearly beloved, this is homecoming.

Why?

Because the next destination is heaven!  The Greatest Place on Earth.

Enough with the wining and crying about your loss.  Celebrate the fact your loved one gets to come to heaven and live with me for as long as they are financially able to support the lifestyle.  We've got streets paved with gold.  Angelic singing available 24/7.  Pure environments.  Good food.  Lots of activities.  ChristFest all day, everyday....  It's quite beautiful and this ain't cheap.

If heaven is on Earth, why can't the "dead" be contacted?  Well, it is a secret location.  At Jesus!, Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) we had some ruthless negotiations with Google.  Man - those people think every bit of information should be available to the masses...  Hello - if that were the case, anyone could come to heaven when they haven't been invited.  No party crashers allowed.

The only way to get to heaven is when I call, you surrender and I come to get you...  See, I had this figured out long ago.  People look dead.  Upon their arrival, they are woken from this deep slumber they are a bit dis-orientated; not knowing how they got here or how long they've been here or how long they are going to stay.  The only thing they know is they are home.  Home with me.

We sit around the camp fire.  Sing Kum-by-ya..  Eat s'mores.  Reminisce of your time on earth and give a quick presentation helping you identify this once in a lifetime opportunity to secure your spot in Heaven's time share program.

Time Share?  Duh!  You think Heaven is big enough to sustain all the people of the ages?  Seriously?  No, there are a limited number of slots available.  What gets me is how the "assisted care" facilities or "nursing homes" manage to suck every last dime out of you keeping you sedated and continuing a miserable existence, eating mush,  peeing and pooping yourselves.  Does the average person want to blow the remainder of their life savings being miserable?

So, we do the presentation and get everyone in a tizzy to the point they can't wait to sign their life away.  How do we get everyone to sign? The prospectus contains plenty of beautiful pictures depicting pure bliss. We tell stories you want to be part of.  On the back cover, the monthly maintenance fees and terms of agreement are printed in microscopically.  It looks like a description or copyright release of the photos.  Sheer genius.

Then you sign your name, give it a kiss and guess what?  We gotcha!  A deal was just made with the devil!

Your life savings is suddenly being used to create a legacy.  My legacy.  We spread my story.  Build some excitement.  Engage with the mortals.  Get some new recruits who are way too excited to put their names on the waiting list to 'get in' to heaven.  Wahlah...  We have a constant revenue stream.

Golly.  I just love how my movement works.  All things point to me.  I give you forgiveness of each and every single one of your sins (well almost).  All your money flows to me and through me for the greater good.

Oh yeah..  And if someone happens to attend our presentation and doesn't sign on the x, we give them a free TV and brutally teleport them back to where we found them.  Ever had that feeling of being jolted out of deep slumber with no recollection what-so-ever of what happened?  That's how we roll.

It's a perpetual cycle.  It's beautiful.

Namaste - Jesus!