Half Baked Joel O-steem.

Dear Charismatic, Feel Good, Prosperity Lovin' People -

I am shocked to just be covering brother O-Steem's tenure at Lakewood Church.  Man - Lakewood.  Talk about the 800 pound gorilla of churches.  Brother Bill HiBull's Willow Creek Community Church is another one.  Both are similar in size.  However, Brother O-Steems went for the seeker crowd and uses the former compaq center for his mega-mansion how for me.  Brother HiBill created a campus community - similar to Microsuck's campus in Redmond.  I'll let you in on a little secret - Brother HiBill wants his community to eventually convert to a commune...  Does any of HiBull's mission smell of Jim Jones to anyone besides me?

As a side note, Ben and Jerry are coming up with a new ice cream flavor called Half Baked Osteem.  Ben (the flavor man) tells me it will be loaded with artificial flavors and colors.  Jerry (the marketing and packaging man) tells me to be ready for something innovative and new.  Half Baked Osteem will come in a large snow cone shaped container.  When you're done eating it, you can turn it upside down and wear it as a cap.  The artwork will be divine.  I can't wait to see and taste it.  Ben, Jerry and I will be on location holding a press conference where we will be tasting and blessing the first mass produced batch at the creamery in Waterbury, Vermont.

Less I digress...

See, Brother Osteem is to marijuana as Jerry Fallwell is to heroine.  Jerry Fallwell-now that is a scary guy and addiction to him and his views is the equivalent of being a mosquito being sucked to the magic bug light that will bring the bug to it's death.  Oh man, Jerry and his words sure sound good and it's easy to get sucked in...  But if you do, the hate will kill you.  Just like a bug looking at that mighty bright light.  It looks so warm and inviting from a distance.  Get to close and gotcha. That's the end.

Brother Osteem, he's kind of the opposite pole.  People smoke him and his message.  They enjoy it.  They get high, they feel good.   There's really no harm to anything he says or does.  He's like a deer in the headlights - blank.  A one track mind.  A broken record.  The same thing over and over again.  He's got his schtick down.  Not my schtick - but his schtick.  It's all a bunch of feel good garbage.  Today is your day.  Becoming a better you.  Your best life now.  Blahblahblah.  The guy is always on cue.

Until, someone attempts to get him talking about anything that might stir up controversy because it could divide people away from his church.  Ask him a question where any other believer can answer, brother Osteem goes into his deer in the headlight, "I don't know...  All I'm saying is we should honor God."  "I don't know, I know there is condemnation but I don't feel that's my place."

See, Brother OSteem, your problem is you're not fully cooked on who you are or my movement.  In case you don't remember, I forgive people of all their sins.  Did you forget that?

I went back to read the transcript on when Joel was on Larry "The King" of Talk and Joel is quoted saying "I don't know" 45 times.  FOURTY FIVE TIMES.

Dude - If people are asking you simple questions about me and my movement and you can't answer basic questions in an hour, saying I don't know is an insult.  You're half baked.  Did I pull you out of the oven before you were done?  I must have.  Anyone who is chosen to lead a franchise on my behalf should know - refer to your FOM (franchise operations manual)...  You should have the strength to plant that stake in the ground and stand by it.  People love a good show and a display of power when deemed appropriate.  The last thing I want is some wimp saying, "i don't know."  Pansy.  I want someone standing tall and shouting from the mountains the truth of my message.  Love one another.  Do good.  Be nice.  Drive Fast,  Make money.  Procreate.  If you don't succeed, try again.  You know the drill...

Did Moses say, " I don't know?"  No, that guy went to the hills, found me and we smoked out.  For a long time.... Too long if you ask me.  Next thing I know, he's lugging these stone tablets full of all kinds of wholesome goodness to spread to the mortals.  He used his stick to part the red sea.  He knew.  He was powerful.  He had my power.  If be for you, who can stand against you?  No one.  Duh....

So, brother Joel - try reading my guide to successful living.  Get a clue.  Be able to answer a question when asked with more than your personal thoughts coupled with an I don't know.  One can only hide behind a great smile for so long.

Yeah, smoking a joint of joel is fun and it feels good until you want to level up - like one of those facebook games...  Then we'll move into some cocaine with Oral Roberts. Next, some crack with John Hagee and Kenneth Copland. Finally, we'll get to the good stuff, the heroine, with Jerry Fallwell. Now, Jerry. Jerry is a jackass. Thank me, he is dead and can no longer do harm to my children.

All these televangelists are evil.  Every single one of them.  If you gotta get your spiritual feeding from a television, please DON'T.  I'd rather have you minions running around naked and ignorant than getting loaded with the garbage these guys spew as the truth of the world.

Just remember, a joint of joel may make you feel really good and optimistic, but he hasn't got a clue.  He's nothing more than a nice guy afraid to stand up for anything besides a photo op and a book deal.  John Hagee and Copland - sometimes you get a good high or a bad high depending on the day.  However, once you've made it all the way to Heroine Fallwell, man, you're gonna get jacked.  There's no question about it.  You're gonna get jacked up and jacked hard.  And it's gonna suck.

So, if you must, enjoy a joint of joel every once and a while, that's fine.  Don't make a habit of it.  Know that he is half baked...  The timer in the oven malfunctioned the day I made him.  But, at all costs, stay away from the other guys I mentioned.  You'll never have the experience I created for you through any of them.  Or any one of the big guys for that matter.  Just say no to Pat Robertson, John Hagee, Kenneth Copland, Creflow Dollar, Joyce Meyer, TD Jakes and the like.  Their messages are distortions of my message - the one true message in the world.

Then again, all messages are distorted.  They don't know me.  You know me.  Get your message and spiritual feeding directly from me.  Smoke some peyote with me and you will see the real me.  The light.  My message.  All will be revealed to those partaking in one of my favorite games:  smoke and find.

I love being in a direct relationship with you.  Just say no to intermediaries. - Jesus.