I spoke to mother nature

So...  I'm sitting in the living room and decided I would check in with mother nature.  She has a Godphone, so I initiated a facetime session.  She was a ravaging lunatic.  It's like... she is hitting "that stage" in her life when the sun sets on her youth.  The truth is realized that fertility has snubbed her for someone or something new, something borrowed, something blue.  The economy is improving.  People are finally starting to upgrade again.

It was awful.  She was complaining of Hot Flashes, being all moody and such.  She makes Bi-Polar 1 look like as smooth as silk.  This chick was all over the map.

I didn't know what to say - everything I tried was met with either inappropriate crying or outright hostility.  I thought I was talking to a crazy lady.  I told her I loved her and I needed her to take care of all things meteorologically orientated for the mortals, and how valuable she is to me, the mortals and the operation of Planet Earth.  She provides a valuable service to maintaining happiness among you and keeping the ecological environment of Earth in delicate balance.  Working order.  A state of homeostasis.  You know - to give you the ability to grow food.  Transport goods, friends and family.  Facilitate social interactions, athletic recreation - everything taken for granted.  The bright, sunshiny days.  The gentle rain.  The gray of winter.  The violent storms with thunder and lightening.  Snow.  Earth.  Wind.  Fire.  You get the idea - I need mother nature and I count on her to take care of baby planet Earth.

As I watch her getting ready to respond, the next thing I see is horns growing out of her head - like satan's. I was freaked out completely.

I asked her to hold on for a sec.

I run to the 'medicine cabinet' and grab some weed and roll a doobie.  Light it up.  Inhale.  Hold.  Exhale.  Repeat the standard 3 times.  Plus one for good luck.   Ah, serenity now.  I waltz back to the living room to return to our conversation.

She is huffing and puffing and goes into all this non-relevant mumbo-jumbo about this and that.  I'm like, "Whoa...  I think you need to take a moment to collect yourself before we can continue talking."

Good me.  She looks at me and goes into this diatribe about I have never seen the fury of a woman scorned.  Well, I do know a scorned woman.   I stood by her as she was being humiliated and ostrasized by a group of men.  I say to them, "he who is without sin may cast the first stone."  They scowled at me, blushed and turned away.  Those guys were acting kinda juvenile if you ask me.  Anyway, I get down on my knees, give her a hug.  Kiss her cheek.  Lift her up.  Give her a pat on the head and send her on her Mary way.  From that point forward she makes a positive change in her life.  She is woman.  Hear her roar.   So yes, in a nutshell, I do know how to deal with nutjobs.

But, oh no...  She isn't wired like a normal person.  She goes off on this tangent about how she is so upset.  No one cares about her.  How can I possibly understand what she's been through.  Blahblahblah.  I tell her to chill.  She says "CHILL?  I'LL GIVE YOU CHILL. YOU %$#*!"  Whatever.  I politely discontinue facetime because it was blatantly obvious there was nothing I could do to restore a working relationship. Any attempts to further reconcile our relationship would be met with more crying.  More whining.  More dining.

By this time, I'm stoned out of my mind.  So relaxed about the entire situation.  I light up some incense to hide mary jane's odor - I can't deal with the fuzz doing some kind of raid while I'm trying to self medicate.

Less I digress....

So, I'm sitting in my house.  Meditating while watching my lavalamp do all kinds of crazy stuff.  I listen to the dull roar of your prayers.  My mind begins to wonder and I gently glide to sleep.

I wake up and I'm like, "man, it's really cold this morning."  I look at my thermometer.  It reads negative 85 degrees.  I turn on the news.  What the?  There is this huge winter storm in the states.  We're talking 30 out of 50 states with record lows.  100 million people affected.  Snow.  Ice. Earth.  Wind.  No fire besides the man made kind used to keep warm.

Dude - I didn't realize mother nature was such a wreck.  She's crazy.  How dare she jeopardize  happiness of the minions.  I think it might be time to post a job opening on the Jesus, Inc. (NYSE:  JSUS) website for a new environmental engineer.

The posting will start like this:  "World's most powerful and recognized brand seeks stable and competent environmental engineer.  Successful candidate will be working on long-term project maintaining and manipulating a dynamic ecosystem.  The ability to stir drama without getting carried away is a plus.   Excellent compensation package well above industry average.  Qualified candidates are welcome to submit a cover letter quickly summarizing what you'll bring to the table, a detailed resume'.  References are unnecessary.  Say a prayer and hope you get hired.  Don't call us.  We'll call you.  The one with the best prayer winds.  Please understand this is a temp to hire gig."

My purpose in not hiring a full time ministry assistant right off the bat is to test drive the candidate.  Make sure the candidate is the right fit for my organization and fellow team members.  You know how much I enjoy test drives.

Love, Jesus.
Commander in Chief
Jesus, Inc.