Hello Children - Did you know FaceBook won't let me have my own page? When I apply with my legal name, they give me some kind of error message and ask me to contact them directly for identity verification. I don't think so. As ruler of the universe, I shouldn't have to prove anything to anyone unless I want to.... Their loss.
So, ghost writer lets me peruse facebook with his account - some of you people are completely bonkers. But, you know what? I still love you. Anyways... Apparently, the mortals go through and periodically cleanse their friends list. Sister Gloria posted something profound - "You know your day really sucks when God unfriends you." Fear not - if I can't friend my people to begin with, how can I unfriend them? You are in control of your relationship with me. I am and always will be here for you.
Some members of the club paint me out to be this mean, vengeful and angry man. Really? If that was the case, you would be raised by an emotional and/or physically abusive parent and would need years of therapy to make amends with me and your childhood. I love you. I only want what's best for you. Like any parent, I do the best I can with what I've got.
But, if I did have a facebook page, just imagine the tormenting I could do by randomly unfriending people from my existence. It would be devastating to them. Satan and I would get a good laugh doing all the tormenting but that would hurt my children. I will always care for you and love you - no matter how tempting it is to have a little fun at your expense.
At this time, we're gonna pass the bucket. Give what you want, not what you can even if you can't. Your financial gifts go a long way to buying off the victims of the fraternal order of the priesthood. I'll bless you as you give. ->Cue music<-
Love, Jesus.
Showing posts with label TEHCNOLOGY. Show all posts
Showing posts with label TEHCNOLOGY. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 30, 2010
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
iPad/Kindle/Nook/Snuggie/Whatever
Are you thirsty for spiritual guidance? Are you wanting to develop the same intimate relationship with me as I do with you? Have you picked up my autobiography and guide for successful living? Are you tired of lugging that big ol' honkin' book around like a monkey on your back?
My book (aka the bible) was never meant to be so long and complicated. It started out as a simple 300 page self help book with an 'about me' section printed on the back - you know, to build credibility with my minions. Most of the lessons were taught using short, sweet and to the point parables - similar to those one minute manager books or the chicken soup for the soul series.
You know how history is and how many times the good book has been translated... Starting with King James, the thing snowballed out of control. Moving the thing is like having 2 mega-metropolitan phone books (the white and yellow pages) and needing a small, two wheeled dolly to take them anywhere. My book got wordy and heavy; losing a lot of it's impact - although it makes an impact when dropped. King James really screwed it up with all the thys, thous, thees and thuses - people couldn't figure out what they were reading. What was he thinking? My message is simple. It shouldn't take a degree in pre-dawn literature to get the main idea. For crying out loud.
So, the bible is no longer a portable guide to godly living. Well, pilgrims - starting on April 3, the e-book version of the good book will be available exclusively on Apple's iPad. Steve Job called me early last week to negotiate a deal. The Holy Bible will be available for the first time to be viewed on their beautiful 9.5 inch diagonal, high resolution full color screen. Versions for the other e-readers will be released simultaneously at exactly midnight. It's the pre-sale to coincide with ChristFest! Having a top notch marketing team is quite wonderful. It's almost like we're Disney making movies and thinking about the happy meal toys we're gonna include in the promotional hoopla during initial art of conception.
BTW, does anyone notice the typo in the cover shot? It's not "The Book of Jobs." It's "The Book of Job." and the O is long - as in O J Simpson. Do these people know who they're dealing with? I don't wanna have to go postal... Less I digress.
It's gonna be really cool because the option exists to read any version you want with a simple finger gesture on their touch sensitive screen. I am thrilled to announce the original 300 page version will be available, too. I partnered with Salvador Dali and M.C. Escher to update the illustrations for today's modern times. Books with pictures reach a broader target demographic than those printed in black and white. The team at Jesus! Inc. is also working to create a new and improved coloring book for the youngins. I think Chic-Fil-A will be an excellent distribution point for the teasers of the full version.
Check out the detail found in Escher's work to the right. It'll make the new coloring books more fun and at the same time, more challenging. Make it too easy and the kids get bored. Make it too hard and the kids get frustrated. Either way, todays children (tomorrows adults) will stray from me - and no one wants that to happen. I think Escher's work strikes that delicate balance perfectly.
Talk about distorting my message? I figure it was only fair to have pictures from Salvador Dali on the ebook version available with each version. Imagine his work coupled with each 'translation' of my work? Sinergy baby!!
As you can tell I went with two artists who, like me, keep one leg grounded in the reality of genius and the other in the fantasy of insanity. Brilliant I say, Brilliant!
The most magical thing about the e-book version? We've partnered with Apple and AT&T to make it available as a free download to anyone and everyone who asks with an iPad. I expect my book will stay on the top 10 list for eternity. If you'd like to share it with a friend, just squirt it. We licensed Microsoft's squirt technology which debuted on their fumbled Zune a number of years ago. Talk about a great way to share the good news.
Why the leap to ebook distribution? It takes few natural resources to print and distribute. Instead of loading pallets of bibles onto trucks and airplanes, we squirt it around the world. It feels wonderful knowing I can release my message whenever it feels right without having to resort to aphrodisiacs or medication to alleviate my ED (electronic distribution) challenges. There's a lot of pent up demand so when it's ready to go, there will be a tsunami of love. Embrace it. Take it. Take ALL 66 books of it. Take it now. It feels wonderful, don't it. When you wanna share, just give it a good squirt and the next person will enjoy it just as much (if not more) as you. Hopefully it'll be as good for you as it was for me! Anyone got a cigarette?
The e-readers, also afford the luxury of a moral compass and reference guide to refer to when those trials and tribulations sneak up on you. All my wisdom is just an arms reach away at any given time.
Isn't technology wonderful? Hell yeah!
My book (aka the bible) was never meant to be so long and complicated. It started out as a simple 300 page self help book with an 'about me' section printed on the back - you know, to build credibility with my minions. Most of the lessons were taught using short, sweet and to the point parables - similar to those one minute manager books or the chicken soup for the soul series.
You know how history is and how many times the good book has been translated... Starting with King James, the thing snowballed out of control. Moving the thing is like having 2 mega-metropolitan phone books (the white and yellow pages) and needing a small, two wheeled dolly to take them anywhere. My book got wordy and heavy; losing a lot of it's impact - although it makes an impact when dropped. King James really screwed it up with all the thys, thous, thees and thuses - people couldn't figure out what they were reading. What was he thinking? My message is simple. It shouldn't take a degree in pre-dawn literature to get the main idea. For crying out loud.
So, the bible is no longer a portable guide to godly living. Well, pilgrims - starting on April 3, the e-book version of the good book will be available exclusively on Apple's iPad. Steve Job called me early last week to negotiate a deal. The Holy Bible will be available for the first time to be viewed on their beautiful 9.5 inch diagonal, high resolution full color screen. Versions for the other e-readers will be released simultaneously at exactly midnight. It's the pre-sale to coincide with ChristFest! Having a top notch marketing team is quite wonderful. It's almost like we're Disney making movies and thinking about the happy meal toys we're gonna include in the promotional hoopla during initial art of conception.
It's gonna be really cool because the option exists to read any version you want with a simple finger gesture on their touch sensitive screen. I am thrilled to announce the original 300 page version will be available, too. I partnered with Salvador Dali and M.C. Escher to update the illustrations for today's modern times. Books with pictures reach a broader target demographic than those printed in black and white. The team at Jesus! Inc. is also working to create a new and improved coloring book for the youngins. I think Chic-Fil-A will be an excellent distribution point for the teasers of the full version.
Check out the detail found in Escher's work to the right. It'll make the new coloring books more fun and at the same time, more challenging. Make it too easy and the kids get bored. Make it too hard and the kids get frustrated. Either way, todays children (tomorrows adults) will stray from me - and no one wants that to happen. I think Escher's work strikes that delicate balance perfectly.Talk about distorting my message? I figure it was only fair to have pictures from Salvador Dali on the ebook version available with each version. Imagine his work coupled with each 'translation' of my work? Sinergy baby!!
As you can tell I went with two artists who, like me, keep one leg grounded in the reality of genius and the other in the fantasy of insanity. Brilliant I say, Brilliant!
The most magical thing about the e-book version? We've partnered with Apple and AT&T to make it available as a free download to anyone and everyone who asks with an iPad. I expect my book will stay on the top 10 list for eternity. If you'd like to share it with a friend, just squirt it. We licensed Microsoft's squirt technology which debuted on their fumbled Zune a number of years ago. Talk about a great way to share the good news.
Why the leap to ebook distribution? It takes few natural resources to print and distribute. Instead of loading pallets of bibles onto trucks and airplanes, we squirt it around the world. It feels wonderful knowing I can release my message whenever it feels right without having to resort to aphrodisiacs or medication to alleviate my ED (electronic distribution) challenges. There's a lot of pent up demand so when it's ready to go, there will be a tsunami of love. Embrace it. Take it. Take ALL 66 books of it. Take it now. It feels wonderful, don't it. When you wanna share, just give it a good squirt and the next person will enjoy it just as much (if not more) as you. Hopefully it'll be as good for you as it was for me! Anyone got a cigarette?
The e-readers, also afford the luxury of a moral compass and reference guide to refer to when those trials and tribulations sneak up on you. All my wisdom is just an arms reach away at any given time.
Isn't technology wonderful? Hell yeah!
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
The Digital World
Hello Faithful Ones - Let's start with Steve Job's (he does one of the greatest imitations of me to date) little 'iPad.' I personally would have called it 'The God Slate.' Just imagine Moses descending from on high with The God Slate. He'd come down the mountain holding the slate behind his back. I can see it now - a big goofy grin on his face all excited to show it to the people. He asks them, "Which Hand?" They guess a couple times and he finally reveals it. Moses brings it to his lips and kisses it much the way Tiger Woods (one of my greatest human works who got stung by Azazel) kisses a trophy. He presses the little button and triumphantly he raises it over his head for the world to see. Behold: the 10 commandments brightly beaming from the slate in bright, content rich digital multimedia with lots of cool, interactive demonstration videos, power points and study guides for use in small groups. The people are mesmerized. Just imagine the impact we could have had then. Too bad technology had not caught up with our vision for the future back in the day. The God Slate would have been so much easier to lug down that steep hill, too.
Speaking of digital media, here's a little analogy. Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I is to Pope Benedict XVI as Karl Rove is to George Bush. Benedict is Pinocchio and Lemillius is Geppetto. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) has embraced blogging and having a rich, multimedia web presence since contra inception. We've been trying it for a while and being online has worked exceptionally well for us. We effectively reach our target demographic of tech-savvy professional men and women between the ages of 18 and 37 earning an average salary of $90,000. So, Pope Lavartheus Lemillius and I had a "meeting" with Benedict. We strongly encouraged him to present the wonders of technology to the ordained brotherhood. All people sharing my word need to have an online presence.
As a matter of fact, I was just on the phone with Lemillius and he suggested we buy more server space and sell templates for our less technologically inclined clergy folk to use. Monthly hosting starts at 9 pieces of silver per month with a one time setup charge of 30 silver pieces. The mailers are being sent tomorrow.
I look forward to the day when all houses of worship and clergy members become part of the digital age. The more people who come to know me, the better. We will be more popular than ever!
Heavenly Yours - Jesus.
Speaking of digital media, here's a little analogy. Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I is to Pope Benedict XVI as Karl Rove is to George Bush. Benedict is Pinocchio and Lemillius is Geppetto. Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) has embraced blogging and having a rich, multimedia web presence since contra inception. We've been trying it for a while and being online has worked exceptionally well for us. We effectively reach our target demographic of tech-savvy professional men and women between the ages of 18 and 37 earning an average salary of $90,000. So, Pope Lavartheus Lemillius and I had a "meeting" with Benedict. We strongly encouraged him to present the wonders of technology to the ordained brotherhood. All people sharing my word need to have an online presence.
As a matter of fact, I was just on the phone with Lemillius and he suggested we buy more server space and sell templates for our less technologically inclined clergy folk to use. Monthly hosting starts at 9 pieces of silver per month with a one time setup charge of 30 silver pieces. The mailers are being sent tomorrow.
I look forward to the day when all houses of worship and clergy members become part of the digital age. The more people who come to know me, the better. We will be more popular than ever!
Heavenly Yours - Jesus.
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