My book (aka the bible) was never meant to be so long and complicated. It started out as a simple 300 page self help book with an 'about me' section printed on the back - you know, to build credibility with my minions. Most of the lessons were taught using short, sweet and to the point parables - similar to those one minute manager books or the chicken soup for the soul series.
You know how history is and how many times the good book has been translated... Starting with King James, the thing snowballed out of control. Moving the thing is like having 2 mega-metropolitan phone books (the white and yellow pages) and needing a small, two wheeled dolly to take them anywhere. My book got wordy and heavy; losing a lot of it's impact - although it makes an impact when dropped. King James really screwed it up with all the thys, thous, thees and thuses - people couldn't figure out what they were reading. What was he thinking? My message is simple. It shouldn't take a degree in pre-dawn literature to get the main idea. For crying out loud.
So, the bible is no longer a portable guide to godly living. Well, pilgrims - starting on April 3, the e-book version of the good book will be available exclusively on Apple's iPad. Steve Job called me early last week to negotiate a deal. The Holy Bible will be available for the first time to be viewed on their beautiful 9.5 inch diagonal, high resolution full color screen. Versions for the other e-readers will be released simultaneously at exactly midnight. It's the pre-sale to coincide with ChristFest! Having a top notch marketing team is quite wonderful. It's almost like we're Disney making movies and thinking about the happy meal toys we're gonna include in the promotional hoopla during initial art of conception.
It's gonna be really cool because the option exists to read any version you want with a simple finger gesture on their touch sensitive screen. I am thrilled to announce the original 300 page version will be available, too. I partnered with Salvador Dali and M.C. Escher to update the illustrations for today's modern times. Books with pictures reach a broader target demographic than those printed in black and white. The team at Jesus! Inc. is also working to create a new and improved coloring book for the youngins. I think Chic-Fil-A will be an excellent distribution point for the teasers of the full version.
Check out the detail found in Escher's work to the right. It'll make the new coloring books more fun and at the same time, more challenging. Make it too easy and the kids get bored. Make it too hard and the kids get frustrated. Either way, todays children (tomorrows adults) will stray from me - and no one wants that to happen. I think Escher's work strikes that delicate balance perfectly.Talk about distorting my message? I figure it was only fair to have pictures from Salvador Dali on the ebook version available with each version. Imagine his work coupled with each 'translation' of my work? Sinergy baby!!
As you can tell I went with two artists who, like me, keep one leg grounded in the reality of genius and the other in the fantasy of insanity. Brilliant I say, Brilliant!
The most magical thing about the e-book version? We've partnered with Apple and AT&T to make it available as a free download to anyone and everyone who asks with an iPad. I expect my book will stay on the top 10 list for eternity. If you'd like to share it with a friend, just squirt it. We licensed Microsoft's squirt technology which debuted on their fumbled Zune a number of years ago. Talk about a great way to share the good news.
Why the leap to ebook distribution? It takes few natural resources to print and distribute. Instead of loading pallets of bibles onto trucks and airplanes, we squirt it around the world. It feels wonderful knowing I can release my message whenever it feels right without having to resort to aphrodisiacs or medication to alleviate my ED (electronic distribution) challenges. There's a lot of pent up demand so when it's ready to go, there will be a tsunami of love. Embrace it. Take it. Take ALL 66 books of it. Take it now. It feels wonderful, don't it. When you wanna share, just give it a good squirt and the next person will enjoy it just as much (if not more) as you. Hopefully it'll be as good for you as it was for me! Anyone got a cigarette?
The e-readers, also afford the luxury of a moral compass and reference guide to refer to when those trials and tribulations sneak up on you. All my wisdom is just an arms reach away at any given time.
Isn't technology wonderful? Hell yeah!
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