Bike Week

Hey There Children -

I'm starting to feel like the guy in Up in the Air.  All this traveling, crisscrossing the fine country.  There is some truth to wisely picking the security line at the airport.  Asians are indeed the most efficient travelers with the slip on/off shoes, traveling light, etc.  Less I digress...

I flew into Orlando and had my Harley trucked in from the home offices in New Hope, PA.  It's Biker Week in Daytona Beach.

When I pulled into Daytona, the main drag was full of bikes.  West Coast Chopper, Orange County Chopper, Harley Davidson and the like are all here.  Not to mention all the bike gangs - Hell's Angels, the Bandidos, Rolling Thunder, etc.  This is Hell Boy's (aka Elton John's) paradise and where our work is needed most.

Anyway, I pull in and the entire drag is cluttered with bikes, gangs and women.  Good thing I brought Moses.  He blasted his wooden stick in the center of the road and it was the second parting of the Red Sea.  Everyone was looking at us.  Some were giving me the finger, yelling - one girl even flashed me.  I finally met up with the boys from the Christian Motorcyclists Association (CMA).  Prior to today they were riding for Jesus.  Today, they're riding with Jesus!  Hallelujah - Praise Me!

Now that Azazel is on our side, we have insight into what makes these people tick.  This is a haven for ministry.  We get to pull out all the stops and minister to our brothers and sisters.  Make them clean and whole again.  We got our work cut out for us.  It's gonna be a revival!!  Right on!  Amen!  Praise Me!

We set up the tent on the beach - multiplied some fish and bread.  We're holding rallies.  The disciples and the apostles are taking it to the streets.  We're distributing pamphlets.  Ministering to the lost.  We are gonna have lots of new members in our little club.  Baptisms in the ocean.  Man, this is Great!

Tonight, there will be a party - midget wrestling and who knows what else.  I'm looking forward to hitting the Bong.  The big party is on the beach near our tent.  After hittin' the pipe, I'm gonna freak everyone out and walk on water.  It's gonna be awesome.

Love, Jesus

PS - I have a meeting scheduled with OCC - Meeting with both Pauls to brainstorm ideas for the GodChopper.  This is sure to be their best work yet; plus, it just might get them into heaven if I like it.  A lot.  I mean REALLY like it.  It's gonna have to blow me away.  You'd think they are making a deal with the devil to get in.  If they only knew....

J-Man.

Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS)

Investors and Shareholders - After much consideration and debate I, along with the disciples, apostles and Azazel decided a name change to our corporation is needed.  We are growing extremely fast - almost like an upstart.  Innovation is alive and well due to the great team we assembled in January.  During one of the meetings, Pope Lavartheus stated Jesus, Inc. was confusing.  The name needed some pizazz.  Some punch added to it.

During out telephone polling about speaking in tongues we also asked people about Jesus, Inc.  People would say things like - Jesus?  Jesus.  Who's Jesus?  JESUS jeeZUS - we heard all kinds of unusual takes on a timeless name...

The executive council held a brainstorming session in the conference room at our new corporate headquarters in New Hope, PA.  We hired an obscenely overpriced consultant to facilitate the meeting.  We were throwing beach balls, brain storming for ideas, generating mind maps, talking about mission statements and the whole 9 yards.  Breaks were 30 minutes in duration and started every hour on the hour and every half hour.  It's amazing we got anything done?!?!?!  Less I digress....

We had the AH HAH! moment.  The epiphany if you will.  Someone (I can't remember who) blurted out we should have an exclamation point at the end of Jesus.  So it looks like this - Jesus!  Brilliant - absolutely brilliant.  The exclamation point solidifies my position.  The way I should be seen in the world.  The excitement of my message.  The excitement of MY brand.  JESUS!  People want to know me.  People love  knowing me.  People love my message of hope, love and forgiveness.  The promise of everlasting life.  The forgiveness of sins.  Redemption.  It's all because of JESUS!

I'm reminded of a bumper sticker:

No Piece?
Know Jesus!
Know Peace.

Jesus!  JESUS!  J-E-S-U-S!  JEEEESUUUUSSSS.  It reminds of a song:

The was a God and Jesus was his name-O...  J-E-S-U-S, J-E-S-U-S and Jesus was his name-O.

*clap* E-S-U-S *clap* E-S-U-S and Jesus was his name-O.

You get the idea.

We understand our old name was LAME-O so we improved it with a simple mark of punctuation.  The explanation point!  Brilliant.  So, effective today, we are now JESUS! Inc. (NYSE: JSUS).

Your life partner and friend - JESUS!!!

Californ-I-A

My Greatest Fans - I arrived in San Diego yesterday and took the day off.

I think I am going to grab some lunch.   In-N-Out makes the best burger.  Ever.  I only wish they would change the name...  It is unknown exactly what they are referring to.  Driving in to get food and out when ya got it?  A sexual action?  People entering and leaving a relationship with me?  Fads and trends - you know, at one time something is in, the next it's out; take the Tamagotchi Gigapets from the 1990's?  How about deelie boppers? Parachute Pants?  Who's seen any of them in the last 15 years?  Exactly.  Less I digress..

I'm eating a burger during lent - it's okay for you, too.  I didn't invent the Friday fish and fast thing.  That was invented by man before corporate food production developed.  Besides, I know my days with you are numbered and I am going to enjoy each and every one of them for I know what tomorrow will bring.  I also love how In-N-Out strategically places their favorite bible verses on their packaging.  We call it subliminal ministry and I'm sure it responsible for introducing millions to the glory of God.

During this dark time of our relationship, Azazele, Pope Lavartheus and myself are working hard to build a legacy.   Our partnership with Lego is going very well.  One of our best clergyfolk (and mentor for franchisees) created a great thing.

Essentially this is the bible's greatest hits told using Legos...  It is a work of art and a great toy.  It stimulates thinking and understanding.  Logic and reason.  We also learned the sets are nominated for the  prestigious Oppenheim Toy Award.   Take a look at the detail level put into these sets; using a combination of  proprietary and stock Lego pieces.  Incredible.  You'd think these were minted from gold.

Starting today, these are available worldwide at toy and Christian book stores.   Each story is available in a kit starting at 2 pieces of silver.  Complete bibles and/or testaments are available at discounted prices.  Contact us for more information at www.pay4pray.com.

I will also give you a sneak peak for a future release due out on Monday. We will be unveiling a cross-generational product (get it - cross generational).  Jesus Bingo!

We needed a vehicle to reach young and old alike.  I can see it now - folks in assisted living and nursing home facilities, kids, lock-ins, Sunday school activities, vacation bible schools, fund raisers for non profits - the list goes on and on.  It is totally awesome.  Someone pointed out their are two S columns - it was no accident.  Think of it as a bonus - more chances to win.  Hey, I can't help if it Jesus has two s's.  We are debating to eliminate the same number being printed on both S columns at the same time.  If S-12 is called, one could conceivably (ha!) get two mark outs with one shout out.  Instead of yelling bingo, the winner jumps to their feet, proclaims JESUS! as their lord and savior, claps, and raises their hands doing a little dance of jubilant joy!  The others will clap, say a prayer and lay hands on the winner for their new found blessing.  A prayer partner will be available to visit with them and explain just exactly what it is they just won.  We call it a random selection alter call.  All in a bingo-hall or tent.  A ministry revolution!

We are tweaking how we are utilizing the ball cage.  The letters and numbers may not be printed on the little balls.  Instead, it will take two people to call out the next possible mark on the card.  One person will receive the message from me and speak in tongues.  The other person will translate and call to the masses.  I know how speaking in tongues freaks some people out.  A telephone survey is being conducted to study the positive and negative impacts to attract new members to our club.

A video promo is in production for all churches to use in their video announcements - have the bookstore manager contact us for bulk pricing.  We'll do combo deals for all products!  You make money, we make money all in the name of ministry!  Praise me!

These are exciting times for Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS).  The business model is coming together nicely as we broaden our reach with a message of hope, love and forgiveness.

Grace to you - Jesus

Weird Question

Sarah Palin saw me in the airport and stopped me.  She goes, can I call you Joe?  I don't think so.  Then she gets this real possessed look in her eyes and glares at me...  She asks me why I created Special Needs people.  I said, let's walk together.  We strolled down the concourse together.  I bought her a soda, and I was drinking wine.  We sat down together at opposite ends of a table.  We took hands.  I looked her straight in the eye with the most gentle smile.  She is still glaring at me.  I said the reason I made retards was to see how other members of society would treat them, and I thought it would be kind of fun in a twisted sort of way - everyone needs a good laugh once and a while no matter how wrong it is.



 Her jaw dropped.  Then I questioned her.  Sarah, my child, why do you get so upset about the word retard - don't you see the humor?   She replied, it is offensive and disrespectful to those with mental disabilities.  I looked at her and said, no, not really because these people don't have mental disabilities the have special abilities the majority of people are too blind to see or understand.  Have you not seen the TV show called Life Goes On?  Here is a perfect example of a mentally disabled (special needs in your world) child demonstrating special abilities.   You are offended and think people are making fun of you or being intentional mean about your situation.  She said, they are.  I looked at her and said, Sarah - why aren't you using your position to raise awareness, change stereotypes and be an advocate for the retards?  She gets this awkward puzzled look on her face.  Sarah replies, I never thought about it that way.  I'm like, what?  Here she has the media hanging on every word she says and she didn't think of it?

Now who's retarded?

I kissed her on the head, got up and hopped a flight to California.  I wanted to see first hand what Mother Nature has been doing with the entire mudslide thing.

All My Love - J

Elton John - aka Hell Boy / Jim Carrey

Hello Pilgrims - Uh...  I think Elton John (known as hell boy from here on out) has crossed the line and hit a new low.  He has taken Azazel's role as King of the Underworld.  Homeskool had this to say about me:
"I think Jesus was a compassionate, super-intelligent gay man who understood human problems."
He got a few things right - I am compassionate, super intelligent and I understand human problems.  As mentioned earlier, I created many tools available for my children to help themselves.  If the eyes were open and my children could see the resources already in existence.  Maybe I need to plant some seeds so more people may choose to become social service representatives.


So we got a gay man calling me a gay man?  See - this is what my ghost writer was talking about earlier this week.  Different people know me in different ways.  Some of those ways are completely sick, twisted and demented.  Obviously, Hell Boy isn't too familiar with what people have written about me in my biography and guide to principally centered successful living.  Do you think Mary Magdalene and I were just good friends?  We were CLOSE friends.  And by close, I mean there is a dress with something on it and some voice mails and, well - you get the idea.  Everyone thinks I am immune to desires of the flesh - seriously?  Remember that little comment about skipping the penis on the male body?  Do you think Mary would come to my tomb and be utterly shocked and dismayed to find me missing?  Mary was the first person to see me after the resurrection.  She wasn't there to satisfy her curiosity.  She was mourning the loss of her life partner; that's the very reason I chose to see her first.  


M&M's are my favorite candies - they melt in your mouth, not in your hands.  Well, sorta..  Less I digress.  Mary was carrying some with her to remember me.  A little momento of the intimate times we shared.  She held them about to pour them into my hands - and you can guess what happened next...  It was awkward and embarrassing.  


Or, what if Mary M. was hitting the medicinal marijuana kinda hard as she mourned the loss of her lover.  She was more than likely in a state of total hallucination?  She wanted me so bad, she had a vision.  A vision of me in my golden splendor descending from on high.


Back to HellBoy - Slandering my name and wrongly accusing me of being a homosexual?  I don't know if or when I can forgive him for making those wrongful and hurtful accustations.  Satan, please go back to your old ways just this once.  Pretty please?

The mortals are on a quest to know me and understand where you fit in this game I created called life.  I preach about your power combining with my power.  I preach the fact that you were made in my likeness.  That means you exist in the physical and non-physical world simultaneously.  It's like having one foot on Earth and one in the Heavens.  My child Jim has made the transformation and now understands.  He is sharing the good news.


The Real Jim carrey from EckhartTolle TV on Vimeo.

Marketing Blitz

The message is spreading, 21st century style

-Azazel

Ghost Writer?

For today's entry, I am coming out of character for a short time to share my thought process with you.  


If you read the Jesus blog, it is written by a regular person just like you, a neighbor, a co-worker or that person sitting in the bathroom stall next to yours.


It is never my intention to offend or mock Jesus, God, or religion. Surely God has a sense of humor - just look at the world he created.


I want hypocritical fundamentalist believers to get angry because satire and humor make effective mirrors. Sometimes people don't like what they see in their own reflections. Maybe people will stop and think for just a moment.


I think writing about church, religion and the zealots from a different perspective is interesting. Especially because lots of people ask the age old question, "What would Jesus do?"  Does anyone know?


The question I used when I came up with the concept is simple: What would I do if I was Jesus living among mortals?


God is supposed to be alive and not some imaginary friend that everyone thinks they know and yet they've never met.  They've come up with their own twisted realities and perspectives based on how they and others interpret God, his motivations, the Bible and the entire Christian movement.  Every believer uses the idea of God however they see fit:  To earn a living, justify actions, judge others, pursue business opportunities, get tax breaks, build communities, manipulate the behavior of others and do good deeds as currency for admission into heaven.  I do believe some people are intrinsically motivated to do good and help others without wanting something in return besides a warm fuzzy feeling that comes from helping those less fortunate than themselves.

I wish a small percentage of the readership could understand a different perspective without getting all bent out of shape. These people really need to broaden their horizons and view of the world. Narrow mindedness is the exact same thing as stupidity.

I never mean to hurt or be disrespectful to others. If people are extremely offended by the views presented her, perhaps additional meditation and study  of God word, beliefs and values may be in order.  Remember, the bible has undergone many translations written.  Not all translations are from the original texts and have been manipulated for self preservation.  Our God is a very accepting God and only wants what is best for his children.


I am pleased to see the readership grow.  I have people coming from all parts of our country as well as one or two international countries.  How on Earth do people from all corners of the world find out about this?  I must be doing something write.


- The Voice of God.

No story. This is just funny

http://us.cnn.com/2010/CRIME/02/10/texas.marijuana.jesus/index.html?hpt=T2


-Azazel

Lost but now I'm found

Azazel here. I want to apologize for my absence over the last few weeks. Truth be told, my little "trip" to Las Vegas with JC nearly knocked me off the wagon. He won't admit it but Jesus took me to Vegas as a test. I mean come on! Satan decides to stop tempting souls and help bring people to God? I wouldn't believe me either. So Jesus decided to test me by taking me to Hell. And no, I do not mean that as a metaphor. Las Vegas is LITERALLY Hell. What? You think Hell is located somewhere below the ground?
Look at this picture:

 Where do you think Hell is located? In the middle of Solid Iron? Really? Seriously, grow up! I am not some cave dwelling freak that dances around caverns of fire. Do you know how expensive flame retardant clothing is? Oh, and don't get me started on the stupid costume that you all think I wear. Red tights and horns? What am I? Santa Clause on a bad acid trip?
No, Las Vegas is Hell. It used to be located in Paris but those Frenchies are snobs.

Anyway, I am babbling. So Jesus takes me to Vegas to see if I would be tempted to turn back to my former ways. And boy did he almost succeed. Five minutes in the Bellagio and I almost passed out from the amount of vile, greedy sinners walking around. I saw waitresses stealing from the house. I saw dealers skimming the top. I saw card counters, adulterers, pit bosses breaking so many laws it made OJ look like a saint. I saw parents spending their kids college savings on roulette. NO ONE WINS ROULETTE! Seriously, Vegas is my greatest creation and also the thing that makes me want to shower the most. By the first night I was hyperventilating. It took every ounce of me to not go crazy and start tempting the innocent. All two of them. And just when I thought I would lose the fight, that Jesus would prove me wrong, someone saved me. Someone that I never would have expected....

I had just ordered my dinner from In-N-Out burger (a double double with fries and a chocolate shake). I saw a married couple fighting over how much money the husband had lost. It was really heated. Jerry Springer heated. The wife is screaming that her husband was throwing everything away. The husband was screaming that he just needed one more chance to win their money back. She is crying, he is crying. I started to shake. This moment is what I used to live for. All I had to do was walk past them, "accidentally" drop a one hundred dollar bill on the ground, and wait to see the husband spot it. I used to love to watch their eyes dilate when they spotted the cash. I was even guessing that this guy was a drooler. I flinched just a little bit and reached for my wallet when all of a sudden I felt a tug on my sleeve. I looked down and there was a seven year old girl standing there, staring at me. I stared back, confused. After a moment she says, "I don't like it here either. My mommy said I would love it but I don't. Do you not like it here?"

I replied, "No. I don't like it here."

Then this little girl, seven years old, reaches out her hand and shows me an ice cream cone. "Want my ice cream cone? My daddy always gives me one when I am sad. You can have mine."

In all my life, eons and eons of life, I have cried twice before. Once after the "Fall" and I knew I was banished forever. And once when Nell Carter died. (loved her). Well in Las Vegas, I cried for a third time. I fell to my knees and gave that little girl the biggest hug I have ever given. And I bawled my eyes out. This little girl had rescued me from temptation.

Looking past the fact that I was arrested on the spot for attempted child kidnapping, that was one of the greatest moments of my evil life. I was only in jail for an hour before JC bailed me out. All charges dropped. He never said anything to me. He just smiled and put his arm around me as we walked out. We immediately went to the airport and flew away. Not a single word was spoken by either of us.

Over the next few weeks I spent a lot of time collecting myself. I helped with the big move to Jerusalem, but I stayed out of the limelight for the most part. It was only yesterday that I felt that I could come back on here and talk about all that had happened. So I am back. Stronger then ever and ready to bring people to the light of God. Maybe I will reach out to Tiger and lend a hand. He could use it. I mean, I kind of owe it to him.

Tiger Woods, you are one of my children

Dear Children -

Let's talk about one of my precious children, Tiger.  As God, one of the qualities I gave you was the freedom to make your own decisions, which in turn allows you to control your destiny.  I have never controlled your destiny - I have, by design,  given you the power to be responsible for yourselves.  Ya see, unfortunately, Satan and I used Tiger as a pawn.  Satan presented temptation focused around money, greed, entitlement and sex.  These are Satan's most powerful tools.  I thought about excluding the penis from the male body, but Satan and I felt it was right to make a compromise on that. If the penis did not exist we'd still be stuck with only Adam and Eve.  The human population would have died off long ago and Earth (one of my best creations) would be populated by a bunch of silly dinosaurs.  Less I digress.

I, however, provide a few tools readily available to all my children, including Tiger, to help themselves.  These tools include my guide for successful and principally centered living (the Bible).  I inspired Buddha because I knew people needed options that would resonate with different segments of the population.  I created people choosing to use their gifts to compassionately help others:  therapists, authors of self help books, support groups, and venues such as churches and synagogues, time for prayer to enhance and strengthen our relationship as Father-child.

My son, Tiger saw and chose the vices without seeing the tools to help him at the time of weakness; thus leading him to chose to hurt himself and others without seeing the ramifications of his actions..  His choices broke my heart.  I wept for him.

Had Tiger not strayed from me, the entire situation may have been averted before it ever started.

I commend Tiger for acknowledging and addressing his situation with class while wanting to protect the institution of marriage and family.  He made a few terrible choices.

As Father and creator of my children, I want what is best for each and everyone of you.  I want to protect you, offer my guidance and support.  I want you to lean against me in times of struggle, hurt and need.  I will be there to comfort you, care for you, support and guide you.  I am merciful and caring.  Most of all I will always love you and forgive you when you ask.  My forgiveness is always available to you and I will work in many ways to allow you to discover the tools I made available to you when I created you and your world.

So, to all of you, my children, including Tiger, please come to me.  I will embrace you with open arms and love.  We will cry and celebrate together.  Please know my love for you will never waiver.  A Father always wants the best for his children.  A Father will always love his children even when they make mistakes and get into trouble.  We will go through the hurt and pain together.  We will emerge victoriously.  I will always love you - in times of need and times of joy.

Your Father and partner in Life - Jesus.

Jimmy and Tammy Faye Bakker - Way before their time

Good Day Children.  I was just thinking...  PTL ministries was on to something back in the day.  The religious themed park.  It was a great idea.  I wish I would have thought of it myself.  A nice relaxing family environment where people can be exposed to my vision, teachings and message without having to get weirded out going to a church.  Walk around and be subliminally exposed to my teachings while strolling down main street eating some popcorn.  Enjoying the day.  There were many nightly concerts featuring choirs from around the world.  Mormon Tabernacle, Kings Singers, Harlem Gospel Choir, African Childrens Choir and many more.  Around this time of year, they would also produce a Passion Play.  Recruiting members to our club was their primary mission.  Too bad they weren't aggressive with the message of good news.  I loved hearing their announcements using the tools and techniques based on Neuro Linguistic Programming.  Too bad it didn't succeed.  That little scandal took it and them out.

Now there is a park in Florida that is actually doing well and believe it or not, it is located near Walt Disney World, the grand-daddy of all theme parks.   It's called "The Holy Land Experience."  They got some real in-your-face ministry going on.  They don't even try to subliminally hypnotize people.  They got all these contemporary christian bands spreading the good news with a beat the kids really groove to.  There's clappping and dancing going on.  People smoking out, partaking in adult beverage consumption.  Satan and the owners really partnered well on the project.  They created Sinergy.



The gideons hook them up with tons of bibles - which are given away with park maps printed on the back cover.  People don't take just one, they take 3 or 4 of them.  Thank me the park isn't paying for them.  Where do the gideons get their money to have all these things printed up?

I wonder how many of those bibles end up in the garbage?

It bothers me that there is some weirdo playing the role of me.  I think he actually believes he is Jesus.  It really upsets me when weirdo is sick and the understudy stands in.  He's horrible and needs to stick with being a member of the company.  Less I digress.

I think Jesus, Inc (NYSE: JSUS) may have to execute a hostile merger and acquisition.  This will be the first time in history our company has purchased another.  I'm glad we went public.  It gives us plenty of cash to pay any price for the things we want.  Pope Lavartheus will broker a deal almost too good to be true.  Once we get hold of it, we will make the admission price a free will offering.

QOTD

What was the deal yesterday with all these people running around the city with black dirt in the shape of an X on their foreheads?  Is it like the indian people with the dots right between the eyes?  Are those targets or what? Notice any similarities?

 

I hope they can get that stuff off.  It gives me the willies.

Be Blessed - Jesus

And the drama begins.... with a new announcement

Today, I visited my favorite psychic.  A lot of people think she's a flake or con artist.  Miss Cleo's talents are underestimated by the masses.  Just because she's cheap doesn't mean she's not high quality.  See her advertisement below.




Things don't look too good.  As a matter of fact, I think hard times are in store for me, you and us.  The darkness is coming.  Don't despair.  I am with you in times of hurt and need.

Today is Ash Wednesday.  Lent has officially begun.  The next 40 days will become increasingly bleak for I know my destiny.  I won't let my unavoidable death stymie our relationship.  I still love you and always will.  We will go through this journey together.  We will suffer together.  At the end of this thing, when things are at their darkest, I will rise again - creating the fundamental premise of my movement.  The Resurrection, the gift of eternal life.  This is the next best thing to being born to Virgin Mary on Christmas night so very long ago.  Remember, we are in this thing together.

Giving up something for 40 days during lent?  Who's idea was that?  I don't think it was mine.  And, I sure as hell know it wasn't Satan.  Something the old timers invented as my original teachings and writings have been translated from Hebrew and Latin.  I know for a fact they twisted a lot of things around to fit their agenda.  I love you.  Have faith in me.  It will be difficult.  Even in this time of darkness, let me remind you about the love we share:

Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs, for the most part.  Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.  Love never fails...  And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.

As a side note, we have relocated the home offices from Jerusalem.  The selection process has been going on for months and the decision was difficult.  Pope Lavertheus, Satan and St. John carefully evaluated each city on their merits and weakness.  We want our corporate headquarters to be a symbol.  A symbol of our mission.  One that will reinforce who we are and what we believe.  Starting last Friday, the movers came and took evertything we wanted.  Unfortunately, we forfeited our security/cleaning deposit because there were blood stains on the carpet from last years injuries.  The stains just wouldn't come out.  Less I digress...

I am pleased to announce our flagship corporate office is now located in New Hope, Pennsylvania, USA.  Our new office is a beacon of hope.  We look forward to partnering with local officials, charity organizations and community leaders to build a better future!

Love to my children - J-Man.

A funny!

And I'll leave it at that!?!?!

Shalom to you - Jesus

Shrove Tuesday

Word to my peeps -

Today is Shrove Tuesday.  It's the precursor to Lent.  For obvious reasons, this is my least favorite time of year.  It's rather ominous given the way the events always play out.  Every year, the same thing happens.  And you know what?  It hurts...  a lot...  Anyway...

Shrove Tuesday.  A lot of people have these rituals they perform.  Speaking of rituals, I will have many more thoughts to share at a later date.  Less I digress...

The Lutherans are big into having pancakes on Shrove Tuesday.  Go out, get some Aunt Jamima syrup and some Bisquick and knock yourselves out.  Others, like to have crepes.  Personally crepes give me the creeps.  Yet others make some kind of dumpling to eat... Whatever floats your boat.

Me being King and all, one of my personal favorites is the tradition of the King Cake typically associated with Mardi Gras.  I love all the pretty colors and the circle shape.  It reminds me of a big, beautiful technicolor communion wafer with a big hole in it.  Kinda like a donut.  Anyway, the best part of the cake is the little baby Jesus replica hidden inside.  Dear Ricky Bobby, one of my biggest fans, appreciates Dear baby me.  He starts every prayer with "Dear Baby Jesus."  Man, I love him - and you, too.

I have fond memories of my childhood working with my mortal father, Joseph, in the wood shop.  Measure twice, cut once was our modus operandi.  Less I digress - the cakes even come with jewelry beads to wear - like a Jesus party - everyone all decked out with their colorful plastic beads, eating King Cake waiting to see who gets baby Jesus.  Usually the winner proclaims me as their Lord and Savior and is forgiven of their sins.  In a way, they die and are born clean again.  Like YO - I'm the steam cleaner of the soul.  Then, better than the baby replica, the winner gets to provide next years King Cake and recruit a new believer to our little club.

Shrove Tuesday is definitely cool...  If you can't participate in one of the above ritualistic traditions, here is another to consider.  One of my lost sheep's family had a little tradition of their own.  They would eat donuts on Shrove Tuesday.  The theory went like this:  If you eat a donut, you won't get worms.  The donuts were to be the simple glazed donuts.  Donuts are readily available and very inexpensive.  You can get the little Dolly Madison gems, the grocery store kind, some Krispy Kremes or the Cadillac of them all - the Dunkin Donuts.  Be sure to get the regular ones with the hole.  None of that munchkin stuff - the politically correct phraseology would be none of the ball shaped donut product.

The donut circle shape is a symbol.   It represents the life cycle and the reality that we are all connected in this big thing called life.  If anything is missing, the circle is not complete.  You know - doin' it Lion King style.  Simba, Mufasa, Rafiki and the like.  The story seems so biblical, with the extensive use of animals as characters representing me, my friends and our story.  Quite lovely, if I do say.

So, go out and have some pancakes or some crepes.  Donuts are fun.  If you eat a donut, you are guaranteed to not get worms for an entire year.  How cool is that?  However, I highly recommend gathering and partaking in the King Cake tradition.  It's soo much fun - almost to die for.

Grace to All which passes human understanding! - Jesus

Valentines Day

Just so you know...  Each and every day I celebrate my love for you.  I loved you since I first created you.  During the time you set aside for prayer time, you should be celebrating your love for me.  This reminds me of a song.

Love, Love, Love
That's what it's all about
'Cause God Loves us
We love each other
Mother, Father, Sister, Brother
Everybody sing and shout
'Cause that's what it's all about.

And, if you ever question the song above, please see the song below:

Jesus Loves Me
This I know
For the Bible Tells Me so
Little Ones Who Ones to Him Belong
They are Weak, But
He is strong.

Actually, I hope you know you have more strength than you think.  I liked the tune so I didn't have them change the words.  My strength is with you always.  If I am for you, who can stand against you?  No one.  My point exactly.   So, go out there and kick some butt!!!

Love, Jesus

PS - Pope Lavartheus did a great thing when he decided to make the Valentines boys Saints.  Way to go  Saints!  The following two videos have been made available to all franchise churches to show during today's services.  I have a feeling most churches will pick the latter.

Taking out the trash.

Hi there faithful servants -

I gotta tell you, some of these clergy folk are absolutely horrible.  They have no clue.  Think about some of the things these ordained (certified) teachers of the word do:

Molest children

Break my commandments - especially the ones about having no other God before me, lusting over someone else's wife, stealing, etc

Twist my words to fit their agenda and communicating them in a way completely contradicting the intent I had when they were written.

Abuse their position of power to use passive aggressive tactics to manipulate people.

Consider themselves preachers of my good news for their own glorification instead of mine.

Take advantage of my aging children only to extort money from them for "ministry"and to leave a legacy for the franchised church.

Seriously, if someone wanted to leave our franchise organizations some money, they would have planned to do so before they were about to take their last breath.  As some of these people are getting closer to being home with me, I bet their judgement is a little foggy and they want to be left alone so they just give away their money.  They don't need it in heaven, anyway.  It sickens me to think their last days on Earth will involve one (sometimes more) of my certified instructors harassing them until the end only to put on some dog and pony show at their funeral.

In a way, some of these clergy folk turn my stomach - stealing from the suffering for their own gain...  Come on now.  They conduct themselves like criminals.  As a matter of fact, these franchise owners are worse than the bank CEO's Chosen One Obama and Brother Bush chose to bail out with tax payer money.  We all know how upset a majority of Americans are about that one....

The entire situation breaks my heart.

I admit our franchisee leader selection process has been pretty weak.  I know we have some real losers.  We are especially taken back as we read the survey results from the parishioners - it's apalling.  It'd look like a scandal if we fired them all and then had an internationally televised 'tar and feathering' ceremony where their followers could see what I really think of them.  Satan would be in charge of that...  But, we can't.  These bad apples will eventually fall off my life giving, fruit bearing tree, die and as they rot slowly make their way down to hell.  Later, Satan will have a field day with them.

I, along with Pople Lavartheus, St. John and Satan are working to bring change to the selection process. We want talented men and women with integrity and holy principles leading my church.  We want people who live the same way in private as they profess to live in public.  If you think you've got what it takes, log on to www.pay4pray.com and submit an application with a resume and photo.  Don't call us.  We'll call you.

We met with the disciples and formed a task force to completely revamp our selection process.  One thing we do agree on - every single candidate will be on a probation period for ten (yes, 10) years before receiving the final stamp of approval.  Each candidate will be set up with a mentor (one of my disciples) to provide counsel and guidance.  The candidates will also be given their own franchise church to run.  If all goes well, they will earn their collars (it's kinda the same as angels earning their wings) after proving themselves worthy for 10 years.

If they screw up, I will yank that leash so fast, they will wish they never messed with me.

Love to all - Jesus

She get's it....

What happens in Vegas...

...  Stays in Vegas.  Man, I'm wiped.  It's Wednesday and I just now have the energy to report on our trip.

Moses and the tablets would have been laughed at had we unveiled the commandments in Las Vegas.  The city contradicts every one of my principles for living the good life.  The question that begs to be answered is how do we live the life without falling short.  It's impossible - I made it that way - it's the ultimate game show challenge where there will never, ever be a winner.  Even I was tempted in Vegas, and there may have been one or two minor transgressions.  I'm only human.  That's the beauty of being me - automatic forgiveness without having to ask.  Love it!  Anyway, Vegas is a city built by Satan and, sad to say, he controls it.  It's the one place in the world for Him to focus all his energies and hone his craft.

Faith in me and the strength I give will be tried in many places.  Remember, I died for every single one of your transgressions.  It's not a get out of jail free card for the mortals to run amuck.  My death is a reminder that I carry your burdens once you have asked for forgiveness.  I take those burdens from you and make you clean again.  It is really quite simple.  I give you strength and lead you not into temptation.  Satan leads you to that temptation.  Discipline and trust in me is the key.  

Remember the "Just Say No" campaign for drugs?  We started that back in the day when the bible was being crafted.  Alas, modern man has taken a universal truth to resist the temptation of evil and trivially compartmentalized it to drugs.  Seriously - life is about resisting the temptation against those evil things.  Yes, everyone falls short when compared to my glory.  It happens.  Forgive those who trespass against you just as I forgive your trespasses.   I love you.  Nothing will ever change that love.  I will love you for ever and ever.  Amen.

- Jesus

  

We've Arrived

Hello All - Satan and I arrived in Las Vegas very early this morning after taking a red-eye.   Of course, we took Spirit Airlines.  I don't know what it is with being me.  We bought the least expensive tickets...  When we checked in they upgraded us to first class.  I wish to hang out with the salt of the Earth - not the snobs with money.  My people had a bad experience with Pharaoh's type.

We preboard the airplane because we don't want to cause a stir.  I ask to see the Bible in the service kit so I could sign it.  The lovely flight attendant said Bibles were included in the service kit back in the day.  However, with all the airlines doing this cost cutting, the bible has gone the way of the olive.  It seems to me having a Bible on a tube of metal shooting through the sky at some 500 mile per hour would be important.  Especially because 99.9% of crashes result in the death of everyone on board.  Ah well - more people come home early that way.

So, we blessed the plane and all the people in it.  Had a group prayer.  Since I was on board, the cabin service included unleavened bread and wine.  Someone said they wanted water instead of wine.  The flight attendant obliged.  As soon as the passenger put the water to their lips, *SHAZAM* and I turned it to wine.  She chocked in it and was like, "what the hell?"  Satan and I always laugh at that one.  The flight attendant says to me, "If you need anything, my name is Susan."  Then I reply, "If I don't need anything, what do I call you?"  She just looked at me.

We also had a mile high communion service - That's one for the scrap book.

Finally we make it to Vegas.

Ministry Toys

Ladies and Gentlemen, Boys and Girls -

I am pleased to report the mission employed by Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I, Azazel and all of Jesus Inc. (NYSE: JSUS) is paying off in spades.  Earlier, we made our plans known to reach new recruits through the use of technology, media, athletic sponsorship, endorsements and the like.  Last week when we sent the direct mailers out to all the clergyfolk advertising our new server/template program, we received some good news from a church in Switzerland.  They have constructed a life size replica of me made out of Legos.  See below:

I'm surprised we weren't made aware of this earlier.  Since reaching out to our franchise churches and cultivating a collaborative relationship to share ministry tools, I am confident each of our franchisees will be contributing to the greater good and taking from the greater good.   It is rewarding to see innovation alive and well - especially when dealing with such ancient teachings.  This goes to show my teachings are just as relevant today as they were the day they were written.  It is good to be such a forward thinking and broad reaching, timeless entity.  Brother Disney would be proud.


Anyway, how awesome is this?  I am enshrined in a lego creation.  I only wish they used more of the colored blocks so it is more life-like instead of looking like some Lincoln Memorial statue....   As a token of my appreciation, we are waiving our one-time set up charge for their website and giving them a years worth of hosting for free and they will also be featured in our monthly newsletter. 


Less I degress...


We are negotiating now to have this kit available to all churches as well as built models being placed in Legoland and most major flagship toystore locations.  We are also working with Lego to have mini-kits produced for all the children to build and play with.  I see the day when these kits are standard equipment in every Mother's Day Out program and every Sunday School curriculum in the 7-11 year old age range.


As a side note, Azazel and I are getting jazzed about our trip to Sin City.  It's gonna be blast.  Especially since it is SuperBowl weekend and the Saints are playing!  WHO DAT?  GO SAINTS!!!

Whose Little Light?

Brothers and Sisters - Let's talk about that little light.  That little light is mine.  I give it to you through the good news and you proclaim and let it shine for all the world to see.  Your love for me is amazing.  My love for you is even greater than your love for me.  I am so proud to be your Father - I get teary eyed just thinking about it.

I'll admit it.  I enjoy a good football game every now and then.  I've always enjoyed the college games more than the professional games.  The spirit of competition to see who has prepared to take on their opponent and executes best.  I love to see teams and coaches correct when they are behind to fight the good fight and maybe earn victory.  I love the bands.  I love the spirit and camaraderie it creates among teams.  There's a special electricity in the air when it's going to be a good competitive game with impassioned fans.  The smell of the popcorn, enjoying a beer and a good wiener in the stands - maybe some nachos, too....   To a lesser degree, I enjoy hearing the trash talk, too.  Satan and I always get a good laugh when we watch football together.

One of our favorites is watching those famous touchdown end-zone celebrations.  Dude scores some points, drops to one knee, does the fist pound on the chest, makes the sign of the cross and points to heavens.  Kisses his finger and points to the heavens again.  Rock on brother... rock on.  Give me thanks and praise for your athletic agility and skill.  Give thanks that you are strong and able to play football.  I have blessed you with many gifts.  Give me praise, give me praise, give me praise. Yadayadayada...

As this occurs, Satan and I look at each other and bust out laughing.  We point at the idiot on the field doing all his shenanigans.  The dude is making a spectacle of himself thinking he's glorifying me.  Did he ever stop and think that this is why people mock me, him and our movement?  Does he not remember the stories in the bible referring to being humble.  If you ask me, it looks like these types are breaking one of my commandments - the one about 'bearing false witness.'  Last time I checked football was a team sport.  Give thanks to those who made the play along with you -  the coaches, the fellow brethren players, etc.  It's not about you.  It's about us.  Lift up everyone.  I didn't make that touchdown - your team made it possible.  Your preparations, the execution, the random selection that everyone would be in the right place at the right time.  Taking the opportunity that presents itself because your team has adequately prepared for competition by studying the opponent, practicing and executing better than the other guy.  Do a little celebration - give some high fives, etc.

When it is all said and done.  Each game is started with an invocation prayer in the locker room.  You ask to win, you ask for safety and guidance.  You give thanks.  Give a good "AMEN!" do some chest humps and get all psyched up to fight for victory.  Victory is already yours - you got it when you accepted me as your lord and savior and asked for forgiveness of your sins - it is yours for the asking....  At any rate, when was the last time anyone prayed to me after a loss.  When do they pray for the fact they are able to play when the lose or pray and give thanks for the other team inspiring them to practice harder to become better athletes?  Prayer works both ways.  Pray for the blessings and celebrations.  Pray for thanks.  Pray for guidance.  Pray for this.  Pray for that.  Pray.  Pray pray pray.  Pray all the time.  In the morning and the night.  We are all winners, we are all victorious.  Get that through your heads.  Then pray some more.  It is good for you.  It's like your daily God vitamin.

So the little video at the top of today's entry?  All the lost and confused souls doing their praise me after a touch down look like Brother Smith banging his tambourine. You be the judge....  Actually, that is my job.  The play stands as called.

Peace to you - Jesus!

Talk Show Circuit?

Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I has been working with the morning show producers and encouraging me to do the morning talk show circuit.  It's a great way for me to get my message out to all those participating in the rat race.  You know - the one's watching television while they are eating breakfast and getting ready to go to work.  Of course, this time should be spent in prayer and devotional study to focus your world on my world. 


Doing the morning show gig seems like a good idea - it'll get your mind set on things outside this earthly world and on to more important things - like our relationship with each other and your relationship to the world.  It puts me on TV on other days besides Sunday and allows me to use their media delivery system without having to take money from the church's coffers to do the same thing.  Sounds like a pretty solid business move.  Any kind of publicity is good publicity.  Free publicity is the best publicity.


Now begins the process of deciding which morning show to appear.  Programs like CNN, Headline News, MSNBC are not attractive to me because cable service is required to receive their programming.  Well, maybe that is not such a bad idea as it helps us reach our target demographic....  The 700 club is a bad move.  Brother Robertson has been running his mouth and spewing all this nonsense about Haiti, abortion and the like.  Besides, all the fundies already watch his sorry excuse for religious programming and they are to me what the yellow dogs are to the democrats.


Mainstream media is where we could have the best impact.  I don't like Matt Lauer OR Katie Couric so NBC's Today show is out.  I can't think of any reason for anyone to watch the CBS's Early Show.  So, I'm thinking ABC's Good Morning America is the one.  When I was a small boy, I have fond memories starting my early days on Earth watching Good Morning America.  GMA is home to the legends - David Hartman was the man, Joan Lunden (Satan says she's hot), Charlie Gibson and Diane Sawyer.  That new guy George Stephananopoulos could use some savin' - so we will probably go with that.  Plus, ABC also has the ABC Family channel and is owned by Disney and they make wholesome family entertainment in all media markets.


More as this progresses.

Planning the weekend

Hello children- I've been looking at places to stay in Las Vegas. There are so many choices. There is always room at the inn.  Anyway, the one hotel that interests me is the Stratosphere. It is close to heaven. Anything giving my people a glimpse of what is awaiting them is a good thing. I especially like the elevator ride on the top that shoots people even closer to the heavens. Plus, the view of the "strip" is phenomenal.

Satan has his idea on where we should stay. Hooters. Satan says it is one of the best. Tacky yet unrefined. I don't know what I think about that. Hooter's has a much better location. And according to Satan
they have lots of eye candy.

Word to you-Jesus.

Weekend GetAWay

Faithful Ones- you know, I think I need a vacation. Being me has been exhausting. Answering prayers, working with the clergy folk and reinventing our business model with Pope L.

I'm thinking satan and I might go to Vegas. He built that city and has been bugging me for years to check out his vision for the world. We are looking at places to stay. I'll let Satan figure out our entertainment.

Faithfully yours - Jesus
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