Jesus Phone

Oy vey!  Heaven's to Betsy.  Like everyone else, I need the latest toys and gizmos to automate my life.  You know - so I can keep up with the Jones's.

I tried to order one of those fancy new white iPhone 4's.  Let me tell you.  I think I tried 50 times starting at 3 in the morning and then in-between my meetings with perspective club members.  I tried over and over and over again yielding the same results....  A complete cluster plagued by gremlins.  Gizmo and his cronies are having a hey-day wreaking havoc on the believers in brother Jobs empty promises of making he thinks will change the world, again.  Then, come to find out, I can't even get a white one.  WTF? I am JESUS and I get what I want when I want it.

If I ran JESUS! Inc the same way AT&T does business, my little club would be non-existent.  Imagine me, saying I will forgive you of your sins and making you new again and then kick you and make your life worse.  Do I do that?  No.  When you accept me as your lord and savior, forgiveness is guaranteed.  My deal with you will never be broken.  I stake my life on it.

I called brother Job on the phone to get some insight as to what is going on.  You know what he says, "Yo G!  (Excuse me, that should be "Yo J") I don't care what the problem is.  I built enough hype around my invention and turned on the money faucet.  My bank account is overflowing.  If you took every single dollar I have and placed them next to each other in perfectly, they would cover the Earth in 3 layers.  That's not even including the money from the last day.  I am rich.  Filthy rich.  I wipe my ass with $100's.  I make the rules.  I don't care. Deal with it."  Then he abruptly hangs up on me.  He hangs up on ME?  Seriously.  His audacity overwhelms me.

Excuse me brother Job?  Now that Satan is on our side, I see you have taken his place.  It is war.  Game on.

And, there's one more thing.  Remember that liver I got for you?  Next time, you will not be so lucky.  I'm giving your room in my mansion to Woz.  Muwahahahaha.