Saving the face of Catholicism

Azazel here. Ever since I joined forces with JC, I have made it my sole purpose to fix the problems from within Christianity that might make it harder for us to market ourselves to the masses. I'm talking about the nitty gritty, down and dirty problems that may need a little of my "special abilities" to fix. And I do this because I know that for any good company to look good on the outside, it needs to be perfect on the inside.  Sometimes fixing those problems means doing some unconventional things. So when I went in front of the Jesus Inc. Board a few months ago and told them what I had in mind, well let's just say I made a few heads spin. They all thought I was off my rocker. They thought I was joking. They looked at Jesus to see if he was in on it. But he just sat there, stoic, waiting to see what the Board thought. That's why I like JC. He knows right away what his decision is, he just likes to sit on his opinion and see how the people around him react. That way he knows what angle to use when one or two of them need convincing. Smart man.

So, back to my story. When the Board realized I was not kidding, they sat there, dumbfounded, as I explained. I said to them, of all the problems giving Jesus and Christianity a bad name, what is it? It's not radicals blowing something up in the name of god. People just look at them as wackos. It's not some evangelist TV preacher stealing your money. After Jimmy and Tammy Faye, most people just look at them like caricatures. No problem there. So what is it? Two words. Catholic. Priests. These guys are supposed to be messengers from God himself. So what does that say about God if these supposed celibate priests keep diddling with the altar boy? Hey, I know, that's a harsh statement. But it's true. All the jokes, all the stories, those priests are butchering the image of God. Yeah, yeah, I know not all priests are doing these terrible things. Whatever. What is the saying, one bad apple?

It took me a long time to find a solution for this problem. It wasn't a matter of going Sopranos style and taking out the bad seeds. That may solve an immediate problem, but not the problem as a whole. So how do we solve this issue? How do we stop such a large amount of male priests who can't stop themselves from sexual abusing little boys over and over? For that, you have to look at what a priest gives up to become that priest. Priests have given themselves to God. They have made a vow of celibacy in most cases and, in a sense, married themselves to the church. That's an extreme choice. So a man turns 20, joins the church, and is expected to go his entire life without enjoying a little fornication? Gese, that's like telling a fat guy he can't have ice cream ever again. I don't care if the guy is diabetic, he is gonna sneak a nibble every now and then.

So here we have a priest, say ten years after joining the church, and he hasn't had sex at all in those 10 years. Let's repeat, he hasn't enjoyed the touch of another human in TEN YEARS. He is surrounded daily by young men, inside the church almost all day, what else is he going to do?. You see what I am getting at? Back in my "bad" devil days, I used to joke with JC that priesthood was like a prison sentence. You spend your life in one building, doing the same thing over and over, and you're only surrounded by men. And what happens in prisons? What is the joke? Don't drop the soap! You see the similarities??

So Azazel, what are you getting at? You spent this whole blog talking about Catholic priests, prisons, and some radical idea you pitched to the Jesus Inc. board. What is your plan?
Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Nullus Pecco. It is the Catholic version of the genius Amish event of Rumspringa.

Rumspringa, in case you don't know, is the time when young Amish men and women are allowed to let loose and enjoy the sins of the world that are not allowed in the Amish community. They party as wild as they want, for a certain period of time, then they make an informed decision to continue living this life of sin, or end Rumspringa and devote their lives to the Amish belief. How awesome is that? For all your life you are raised the Amish way. No technology, community is everything, blah blah blah. Then, BAM, you turn sixteen and you are allowed to drink, curse, smoke, have sex, play a video game, eat after midnight. Everything that makes youth so much damn fun. Then you get to make a choice on what to do with the rest of your life. Continue the path your parents taught you, or say to hell with them and go out into the world.
Why not give Catholic priests the same option? And thus begins Nullus Pecco, Latin for "no sin." Once a priest has given himself to the cloth for ten years, he enters a period of Nullus Pecco. He will then be allowed to do whatever his heart desires and the church will not frown upon it. Each year Nullus Pecco will begin with a huge convention/rave at an undisclosed location and spread out from there. After a period of seven days (for poetic reasons of course), all the priests partaking in Nullus Pecco will then make a choice. Continue this period of sinless living or go back to the church, healthy with their choice to devote their lives to God. With this event, we are allowing the "diabetic" to eat his "candy" without fear of losing an eye.

So there you have it. Nullus Pecco. The first event will happen sometime in the coming month of April at undisclosed locations all over the world. And since this is the first time, all priests that have served for at least ten years will be attending. Even the Pope himself will be allowed to attend. Yours truly will be there to monitor the events and to report back to the big guy. And if my calculations are right, by the month of May, Catholicism as a whole will be back on the right path and spreading the word of God without the judging eye of society looking upon them. 

I cannot wait