Today I have a message. A message from my boss and your savior; Jesus Christ! I have been chosen to be your new Pope of this new religious movement. I am very pleased to be the "President" of Jesus Incorporation (NYSE: JSUS).
This is a new day in the world of organized religion. Due to recent global economic turmoil, many people have turned to prayer as a means to give them hope. We, the church of Jesus, have gone through our own economic turmoil. Cost cutting measures for us have been to recently switch from real wine to wine from outlet stores such as Spec's. Holy water has also been outsourced. Holy water has been provided now by a global water distribution company known as Dasani.
With this recent change, we have decided to diversify our portfolio. Our corporate goals for 2010 is to take advantage of worldwide prayers. We have developed new resources to generate more ancillary revenues. Some of our newest revenue streams are: www.pay4pray.com and 1-900-pay-4pray. At just .08 cents a minute to speak to our "prayer partners," this will prove to be a huge stream of cash to JSUS. Advertising will be on bulletin backs in churches all around the globe in over 20 languages! We will even offer package rates both online and via the phone. Customers who wish to pay the low rate of $5.99 will be able to chat online with a partner or have unlimited phone calls with their chosen partner.
Our website will also aim to capture the young minions who are still seeking direction from our holiest of holyness; the Lord Jesus Christ. Such marketing techniques will be to offer Podcasts that will be available for free download once the saved has downloaded our iPhone/iPod Touch app "Prayer Partners" for only .99 cents in the App store. Podcasts will also be available for download every Monday on www.pay4pray.com/podcasts. Note that only podcasts will be updated once a week after Sunday, the designated day to keep the Sabboth.
Other mainstream opportunites will not be missed. We will advertise via Twitter, Myspace, and facebook to give future minions the opportunity to be saved by our Lord, Jesus Christ. Visitors can follow updates and get reduced prayer partner rates if they use our coupon code JSUS4687. They will be eligible to receive a 20% discount off of our .08 cents a minute phone rate.
Safety of our senior leaders is also crucial to the success of this movement. In recent years, there have been several attacks on the lives of previous Popes. I will not stand for this! Below is my new car for the 2010 rebirth. Sitting on 26" Denali chrome rims, my custom Mercedes SUV has been retrofitted to house me as we drive through the many cities we visit. It has been equipped with two layer bulletproof glass and a steel plate on the underside capable of withstanding a medium size road side bomb.
We are also going to be parterning with our new airline sponsor Spirit Airlines. They have agreed to give minions traveling to church functions discounted airfare if the use their link off of www.pay4pray.com/flyspirit/index.asap.html. In return for their generous offer of reduced rates, we are personally going to bless each one of their flights to ensure that our customers, customers who have financially supported us, are going to be safe.
So I leave you with this my little minions, 2010 will be a glorious year! Our union (12 Apostles local 101) has agreed to the latest collective bargaining agreement and are committed to delivering peace and grace to all that seek it (and willing to pay for it too). So grab your rosaries and fasten your seat belts because 2010 is our year for the heavens to shine down!
Blessed are those who praise me,
Pope Lavartheus Lemillius I
Email: LL_Cool_L@Vatican.com
Phone: x02 (Using red phone at all Holy Locations)
Oustide: 1-900-Pay-4Pray
Fax: 566-664-5616
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